hi. i really need support. today i can see what i'm doing to myself. and i dont want to die.

my name is Leilani. this is my first post. Well i'm 5'3 and 120 lbs and I want to get down to 100 lbs. The problem is that I am battling myself to do this. I have an eating disorder. something i've aqquired over the past couple years. It feels like I have two people inside me. One that is logical and wants to lose weight in the healthy way and not starve and restrict but then I have a side that obsessively plans out meals, restricts, sometimes binges, sometimes purges, sometimes takes laxitives. It's really horrid and i'm going to therapy but its not really doing anything. It really all depends on the day. yesterday was a 600 calorie day but i woke up today in my logical state and wanted to eat 1200 calories and enough water. I really have a lot of self hate and control issues because I was brought up living with only my mom who was bullimic/anorexic and constantly teased me about my weight (108 last december). She even bought me ipecac(a syrup that makes you throwup but can kill you) and a few different weightloss pills that i would come home after work to find on my bed as way of torment. I was often physically abused by her as well and beaten and threatened. Last september I was date raped by a friend and I got to my lowest weight of 95 lbs. This year in march i ran away after my mom tried killing me and I was put in fostercare and lost my job because i didnt have time to be working and going to school and dealing with the fostercare situation. Thats when I got to my highest weight of 135. After things settled down(a month ago) I really started to hate my body and began going on pro ana sites and starving myself. I often ended up binging though because there is food at my fosterhome unlike my previous home with my mia/ana mom and she wasnt there to torment me. So basically, I still have my horrible Anorexic mind but no willpower and i just watch myself fail every day lowering my self esteem even more if thats possible. I recently kicked into gear and have lost 10 lbs in a few weeks of restricting and doing things the ana way.

I dont know what to do. i dont want to restrict and purge. i want to be healthy. I dont want to look emaciated but i dont want to have this flab. more importantly i want to be OKAY with who i am and kick this ana/mia/self hate mindset out of my brain. ask me tomorrow and i may not want to but since today is a day of logic and clear thinking, please understand that this is the purest part of my mind crying out for help and support. i just want to love myself. i want to be okay with my body.

my boyfriend is too supportive with my eating disorder and i think thats why i've been losing weight. he knows i have anorexia and he said he will give me 3 months to lose the weight and then he will start getting on my ass about it. but yesterday we were working at farmers markets and i ate a few vegan chips with artichoke dip(which was not on my meal plan) and he took it away from me and told me i would feel guilty later. it made me feel worse like he wants me to be anorexic because im too fat. its like he agrees with the anorexic girl in my head and wants me to be thinner. i dont know. i think im just ranting now. but in conclusion, i just really want support from people that have had body issues and learned to love themselves. dont tell me to go to ED group therapy though. i really am afraid of being jealous of the girls there or feel like they are checking out my body because us ED girls tend to do that lol.

I'm sorry that you have had such a rough life, and I think most people would struggle with body image and eating disorders if they were put in your place.  First off, your current weight is very healthy, so you should know that you aren't overweight.  Additionally, the goal of 100 lbs. is very low for someone your height, and I don't think people on this website can support you if your goal weight is that low. You do not want to lose weight the "ana/mia" way, and people here will not support you in doing so.  

However, there are several people here who are recovering or have recovered from an eating disorder, and I'm sure they would be willing to help you. If you click on the "groups" tab at the top of the page and type in eating disorders, you can find a support group.  

The fact that your boyfriend supports ED behavior and even encourages it suggests that he may not have your best interests in mind.

100 lbs is a healthy bmi for me. and It's a lot better than my goal weight of 90 lbs which im trying to change in my mind. i do want to do it the healthy way. i just need help with learning to accept myself and my body and not to give up when i binge or relapse.

In the end, I'm not the person who you have to convince, it's the moderators who will delete your posts if they think you are striving for an unhealthy goal.  But I do highly recommend finding an ED support group in the groups section, you can connect with people who have dealt with EDs and they can tell you how they've worked through it.  I'd also recommend sending a message to one of the moderators, chrissy1988, because she has dealt with an ED before and can give you tips on how she overcame it.

As a side note, I'm also 5'3" and 120 is my final goal weight.  I realize every body is different, but maybe this will help you feel more comfortable with your current weight.

Oh my God. First word of advice:

Your boyfriend= Complete noob, he should go swallow a cactus.

I am so sorry you've had such a rough life. But punishing yourself by obsessively controlling what you eat isn't going to make you any happier.

Okay, I dragged myself out of an ED several years ago and am actually now trying to LOSE weight. But I'm guessing you've figured this out by now- but learning to love yourself is key to getting better.

Well, for me, the trigger was the fact that I hate being proved wrong. And my mum said to me that the only reason I was becoming an anorexic/ bulimic/ exorexic NIGHTMARE to be around was that I wanted to show off to other people. And I said no. But she said it was and that if I wasn't trying to seek approval and 'fit in' then I wouldn't be doing it.

And so I worked my ASS off to prove her wrong.

Every time I felt like purging, I'd go watch Grey's Anatomy or read or ANYTHING to distract me and it'd eventually fade. At school, when I was on a 'Logical' day, I told my friends to MAKE SURE I went down to eat with them no matter WHAT I said. And they helped a lot!

Most of all, I learned to want to prove to others that I am my own person and others don't define me. And eventually I learned to love myself.

I am who and what I am. I'm stuck with that so I may as well embrace it.

Finally, if and when you dump that twit of a boyf of yours, I'd highly recommend some distracting eye-candy to take your mind off of it.

Personally I go for DBSK (Youtube the Music Video to Mirotic) or BIG BANG... T.O.P from BIG BANG is HOOOOTTTT. And so WAS G-Dragon... before he grew his hair long and ginger T_T... the point is, eye candy is totally FTW ^_^

Anyways, now I'm babbling. Good luck!!

And remember- you are YOU! Love yourself (Y)

Daize ox

Your boyfriend is an ass. lose him!

I can related with having 2 personalities... a logical one, and a restrictive one.  I also think I have a bingeing one, telling me it's okay to binge.  I hate it.

my boyfriend is really the best thing that has happened to me besides yesterday and the conversation we had about my eating disorder. the logical side of me thinks that he doesnt know what to do and he doesnt want to see me beat myself up even more and he knows its about control and he wants me to be proud of myself so he reminds me what i'm doing in a way. but hes latino and he personally likes his women curvy and such and thinks skinny girls are gross but he says he'll love me either way but once i reach my goal, thats it. he wont tolerate my dieting anymore. but for now he helps me by telling people i already ate or he will eat my food when they arent looking. hes just trying to be supportive. i talked to him today when i woke up being a logical person today and i told him i need to be healthy and eat and excersize and i dont want to lose weight in an unhealthy way and he was really happy. i wouldnt know how to deal with me either honestly. hes had to deal with so much of my baggage and hes not used to that. im just sort of a wreck.

i told him and my friends that today i need to take the day off. and i actually ate today a normal 2 meals. and i plan on eating another 3 meals. im really pushing my calorie intake up. it might not be healthy yet but i need to to gradually do this. the past month i've been eating about 800 calories and burning off 400 at the gym+ my normal walking places and such. which is why i lost 15 pounds. and so today im going to eat 900 calories and NOT go to the gym. just walk to safeway and do some crunches . and then tomorrow im gonna eat 1200 calories and burn off 2-300 at the gym. and today i keep talking to myself and just complimenting myself when i look in the mirror. im hoping i can fake it till i make it or brain wash me into liking/loving myself. i really want to do it. and its hard for me to eat so much. but im going to do it. and im taking vitamins. i just want to be healthy and happy. and 100 pounds is where i felt most comfortable. and its a healthy bmi. and i want to just get there and maintain it in a healthy way. my boyfriend is getting sick of me sleeping as soon as i get to his house and sometimes getting really grumpy and taking everything personally.

but thank you so much. how did you learn to love yourself? thats what i want to do. i want to be able to lose the weight but love myself in between weights. and love who i am and what i look like at both sizes.

oh! and im gonna weigh myself every saturday instead of everyday. and im gonna stop purging and taking laxitives. so as much you think im stilll unhealthy im going to do this. step by step. dont expect me to recover in one day. im working on it. and i will do this. i will be healthy. i will be happy. i will love myself some day. and i will be 100 pounds or a little above like 105. if you are going to critisize me, save it. i judge myself 109453890 times more than any of you will ever be able to.

Lmao, wanna know the FIRST thing I do when I have a 'I-feel-hideous' day?

Look in the mirror and push up the tip of your nose so it looks piggish and then grin. The grin'll become real when you realise how ABSOLUTELY crazy you look... but... When you let go of your nose, not only will you look ten thousand times better, you'll also be smiling at yourself :)

Learning to love yourself is a slow process and you have to get there yourself. It helps to have people you love and who love you watching out for you every step of the way though. If your boyfriend truly cares, he'll stop you if and when you go too far.

Take it one day at a time and every day tell yourself three things you love about yourself. If you can't think of them, ask your friends or your boyf. Write them down. Whenever you feel bad, just go and read them and you'll get an instant ego boost.

I think 105-ish lbs is JUST healthy for 5ft 3. So if you think you can get to there abouts and maintain, and you think by reaching that you'll be happy- go for it. Apart from your mum- who you need to TELL that she's hurting you by doing stuff like this. She needs to support you in being healthy and happy- forcing you to take stuff that could kill you is NOT what she should be doing. Have you had dual therapy sessions where you could tell her about it with a mediator?- you seem to have understanding friends and a boyf who (now I know the facts) is supporting you and so they'll look out for you and stop you if they think you're going too far.

Okay, I don't know you very well, but I'll help you with your three 'Love Lessons' for today:

1. You seem really loyal
2. You're determined
3. You know when to ask for help... and I hope at least SOME of the help I've given helps :)

Daize ox

It sounds like you already have a good idea of how to learn to love yourself-- focus on all of your strengths, and what makes you a good person.  You've survived what has so far been a challenging life, and are working to overcome behaviors that some people never recognize as dangerous, even if it means killing themselves. Also, this is kind of weird, but I've come to realize that the "flaws" I see in my body make me unique in a way.  Nobody's perfect, and nobody's the same.  So think about something that you perceive as a flaw, and think about how it actually makes you unique. Being good to your body will make you love yourself so much more.  It sounds like you already exercise, but after your next workout think about what your body just did for you and how awesome it really is. Love yourself for all the amazing things you and your body can do.  I've been trying to improve my eating habits, and this has made me feel really good about myself.  I like the advice grrirox gave about writing down three things you love about yourself everyday.

thank you so much. i just need to hear positive things i think. today has been a really good day by myself just resting and eating and thinking about what i need to do to love myself. i really think i can do this. and i really appreciate your reply.

ahhhhhh this made me smile. i like those tips :]

well as far as my mom goes, i havent seen her in months. i live in a fosterhome so i dont think therapy would be a good idea. im really just trying to get past all the abuse i've had to deal with, with her. and i think i need a couple years to get over it before i can talk to her again. when im around her for just a few seconds i just hate myself even more. so i need to be away from her.

When I first joined this website, I absolutely loathed myself. My situation isn't very similar to yours, as I am overweight (258lb :s) and trying to lose weight to get to a healthy weight (120, I'm 5'4"). The thing we have in common is/was that we both don't love ourselves like we want(ed) to. I love myself now, it's not 100%, as I have days that I think I suck, but I love myself now. I'm hugely overweight (I hate the word obese :P), and I love myself. I've lost 30 pounds so far, been maintaining/plateauing, but it's finally started moving again.

Everyday, I still do this by the way, I told myself that I loved me in the mirror. There are features on us, that no matter how much we hate ourselves, we like. Compliment those features and soon the features you once disliked don't seem as bad, and you'll soon like those too. For me, on my face, was my nose. I hated my nose... now I think it's kinda cute.

Y'know, you were born the way you look, first step is to accept it, and then love it. You only get one body, afterall. :)

I'm also very very sorry about the cards life has dealt you, you seem extremely intelligent and determined and I have the utmost faith in you, that you WILL recover and WILL love yourself someday soon. You have to remember to tell yourself that you're beautiful (because you are), especially when the negative thoughts come. You gotta tell those thoughts to shut it, because you're beautiful and you're worth it.

Oh, and your boyfriend, I know he MEANS well, but he is doing more harm than good. It would be best if he learned a bit about the disease instead of accidently provoking it when he's actually trying to help.

Honestly? Your goal weight is going to get lower and lower. My original goal weight, 3 years ago was 110. I reached that, made it 100. Reached that, made it 95, reached that and was forced into recovering. Currently I am relapsing, I want to be 85-90 lbs. Get out of this while you can.

Hey Leilani...I cannot say that I completely understand what you have gone through because that would be a lie, but i can say that i know you are struggling and it's hard. Your goal of 100 pounds would put you at a BMI of 17.7, which is underweight. Even upon attaining that weight, which I completely do not support, I think you will want to lose more because your past is filled with a lot of pain and maybe you're using your weight to deal with those feelings...maybe?? 

You deserve better than a boy who treats you the way your boyfriend does. So, did I but I didn't see it at first. If he isn't supporting you and trying to help you get better then he does not love you at all. You deserve to be LOVED, and this is not love...don't fall for it or settle for less than you deserve just because you feel like it's all that you have.

You are at a healthy weight, and you should focus on being happy!! Live your life and let go of this weight issue. Learn to love yourself by realizing that at the end of the day your life is better and will continue to improve when you focus on the things that are truly improtant instead of your weight. i hate to say it but look at your mom as an example, was she happy? i really don't think so. was she thin? probably so. You are thin, healthy, and can be happy. Take it and run and don't let it get out of control.

Now for the more technical and rule based side...it is important that you seek help because mentally you are simply not thinking clearly.

Have you consulted a physician to assess and discuss your current weight? 

How many calories did you consume to reach your current weight?  

Remember, it is not all about what the number on the scale says... You can in fact be "thinner" at a higher weight by lowering your BF% and gaining muscle while remaining at a healthy weight.  Also remember that the more active you are, the more calories your body requires.

So please take the time to consult your physician, research the effects an unhealthy weight has on your body, and the proper amount of calories required for your body to function.  I will find some later tonight and post them as well. :)

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to PM me.

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As I stated earlier, CC and its members cannot encourage or assist in maintenance of an unhealthy weight.  I ask that all members respect CC's mission to promote healthy and sustainable weight management.

Please consider this an official warning that any posts that violate CC's mission and PGs are subject to modification or deletion.

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- and any other members who are experiencing conflicting interests with unhealthy weights, we as a community are here to support you in a healthy manner and hope that you heed the advice given to you to maintain a healthy weight and consult with a professional to achieve this.  We are always here if you want to talk. 

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to bring them up to me in PM.

I was abused when I was seven so I understand some of your pain.  I am currently going to a therapist because I bingeeat.  I have struggled with my self-esteem for 13 years now.  Here are some things he told me to do:

Everyday where the color that you think of when you think of being strong.

Say "I am incredible now."  You must say now so that it reprograms your brain.  (I have been working on brainwashing myself with this and it works!:)

Now please don't freak out about this part.  I am not trying to preach to you, but this is what works for me.  I get down and say a prayer, crying my eyes out and begging for help.  I tell Him how I feel and why I feel that way.  No matter your religious beliefs, I hope that you will at least try it.  You are a beautiful daughter of God and NO ONE can ever dispute that.  He loves you and there is nothing else that matters.   

Find out what you need and want and get it for yourself, telling yourself that you love you. My therapist does phone sessions, would you like his number? I have been to many and he is the only one that has helped me begin to get better.