is it me or him??
am i ok to ask?? if not then dont read on....
i met a guy on an internet site, by chance. we got chatting and seemed to get on well. im sporty, he's sporty. im easy goin he's easy goin etc etc. we decided to meet and go on a date. we seemed go get on well and have a laugh. we seemed to have the same views on things etc etc. he was keen and textd me first the next day etc. we had three dates in a weekend. fri sat n sun. we went to the cinema sat and jus chilled out in his place sunday.
its the first guy iv ben out with in a long time. quite a long time. and my self esteem sucks except i appear pretty confident and outgoing. i did feel he was a bit out of my league. he's well into cycling and he was getting me into it. helpn me buy new gear etc.
we texted he seemed really keen. but he's faded more and more. and soon his texts wer only in response to my questions. i saw him online a lot on the same site, but he didn mail me. i texted to ask if he was ok n he said he had a lot of **** going on. he didn wanna elaborate and he didn ask how i was or anything. a friend of mine was messin about on the same site. i asked if she would strike up conversation with him (he didn kno we were frenz). she did, she asked if he'd had any luck on the site. he said he'd talked to a few ppl but didn really get anywhere.
i feel really gutted and stupid, i dunno why. iv never fallen for a guy before. i like to keep ppl far away but i thought this was going somehwhere.
are guys generally like this??
or am i being an idiot?
Ah the joys of relationships.......no you're not an idiot, it's just the way things go sometimes, and sometimes the men on these sites are just out to pull, kind of a substitute for going out to the bar.
I wouldn't give up on men, although rare there are still some good ones left, and on day you will meet one. In the mean time just enjoy it for what it was and don't beat yourself up.
Best of luck to you..
I'm not really an expert by any means but it sounds like both of you made some mistakes.
3 dates in one weekend sounds excessive. You might have appeared "too easy" to him, which may have made him lose interest, if that makes sense. I wouldn't want to go on that many dates in one weekend with someone I just met because that sounds kind of unhealthy.
By your own admission, your self-esteem sucks. That's kind of a turn off if it's obvious.
For what it's worth, girls act just as bad as this guy did, if not worse. :-p
Don't mean to be a pessimist or anything but in my experience (I'm 44) this sounds like a typical guy. Guys can be pretty fickle. Read the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" for more helpful info. Of course there are variable....sometimes guys stick around until they get what they want (usually sex) and then just disappear. It's sad but true. Guys are biologically fashioned in such a way that they strive to breed as much as possible ! Having said that, you should know that I have sons and a nephew, aged 23, 22 and 20 and a 15 year old daughter. Much of this info is pretty first hand from them, friends, relatives, my own experience, and 4 years of college including courses on gender studies. This doesn't mean that guys are all bad....they are definitely not. They just don't think like women do, that's all (read the book!) On the bright side, you mentioned that he was going to buy you new gear.....it seems a bit early in the game for him to be doing that....according to Dear Abby, pushing for a quick involvement is one of the signs of a potential abuser. You may have gotten lucky that he disappeared. Hang in there, the right guy will come along, and in the meanwhile, learn how to LOVE YOURSELF!!
I'm attaching Abby's warning signs of potential abusers....it's good to be able to spot them! Good Luck to you!
Dear Abby: Heed warning signs of abuser By Jeanne Phillips UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE ● DEAR ABBY: My son, "Marshall," is in an abusive marriage. Have you a list of abusive characteristics in women you could print? Maybe if he sees it, he'll recognize it for what it is. — Worried Sick in California DEAR WORRIED SICK: It's been a while since I printed the warning signs. Although they were originally intended to describe a male abuser, many of them apply to both sexes: 1. Pushes for quick involvement: Pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately. 2. Jealous: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly. 3. Controlling: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you are late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything. 4. Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need. 5. Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who support you of "causing trouble." 6. Blames others for problems or mistakes. 7. Makes others responsible for his or her feelings: Says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry." 8. Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. 9. Cruelty to animals or children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. May expect children to do things far beyond their ability or teases them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children. 10. "Playful" use of force during sex. Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting. 11. Verbal abuse. Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. 12. Rigid gender roles: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home. 13. Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes. 14. Past battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past but says the person "made" him (or her) do it. 15. Threats of violence: Says things like "I'll break your neck" or "I'll kill you, " then dismisses them with "I didn't really mean it." ● Write to Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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yeah i think i did seem too easy.... except it was his bloody idea!
if ther are any men out ther with genuine rules about what they like in a girl PUT IT UP!
yeah he did push the meeting. and we were only meant to have a date on sat first. then he moved it to fri and sun. he signed me up into this race for cycling that i started training for.
i feel like such an idiot. i actually have an ache of hurt in my chest. looking back at how i behaved on the dates. i must have looked like such an idiot. he must have just been laughing at me
I sometimes have to remind my daughter that dating is like clothes shopping
1) Flirting is taking the dress of the rack. Maybe you will like it maybe it has a bow in front and you are not into bows. The interest isn't any greater than that and if he puts you back on the rack, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, you are just not what he is looking for.
2) Dating is taking the dress to the dressing room. Once again, there is no commitment here, just some interest. Maybe it fits, maybe it doesn't. If it doesn't fit you, that doesn't mean it won't fit the next person.
3) If after trying on the dress, you keep it or maybe even take it to cashier, then you are talking real interest. Don't build up a bunch of hopes until then. You will date dozens of guys, you only marry a few.
Remember that if a relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, just that the chemistry isn't right between you and him. He is not the right one for you.
Sorry it didn't work out. Don't let it affect your self esteem cuz it's not your fault or anything to do with you personally that things didn't work out. Just the way it goes, alot of the time.
Please don't type in a forum the way you do in a text message. It is hard to read.
and this is a really strange feeling but i feel so ashamed i that he didn want me. i was excited about it (iv had a hard rough road) and my mum n dad were happy that i found some one i liked and who seemed to like me. theyv seen me through a lot. and it seems if i went to talk to them about my hurt about this, it would hurt them too....like the guy didn like their child.
my mum gets really sad about the road iv travelled.... she says i dont deserve it and that she prays il get a break. she thought this was a break for me i guess.
sorry i know im being overly moany and silly....im 24. i suppose i feel 15...........its ben a hard 24 yrs.....! sorry about the text
Original Post by fidget84:
looking back at how i behaved on the dates. i must have looked like such an idiot. he must have just been laughing at me
every day is a learning experience. what you do with what you have learned is the important part. next time you are on a date, remember the things you said and did that were a turn off and don't do them. the things that worked, do those! play a little hard to get. if the guy is interested in a relationship, he will chase, if he is just interested in sex, he will choose an easier target (there are plenty out there believe me!) this way you will not have given him the chance to break your heart so easily.
the friend spy thing was genius. i hope you learned from that! use that one again. you can really spot a player with that one.
you are worthy of a good guy. always remember that!
good luck to you sweetie
kattttttttttt
yeah that play hard to get thing is something i find so so hard to do. I KNOW TIME AFTER TIME YOU HEAR TREAT EM MEAN TO KEEP EM KEEN!!
i suppose this experience has shown me how bad my self esteem is. i honestly come across as very competant and capable. people are rather shocked by how self critical i am, and how much i detest myself. i feel that if any guy is showing interest in me i have to grab it by both hands coz no other guy will want me. and if i dont given him what he wants.... he'l leave me.
i was in an abusive relationship for a long time.
sorry i know this forum is meant to be light.... im being rather bleak!
Even if you aren't quite what he was looking for, you are what someone will be looking for. Don't give up. My daughter never seemed to have much luck until she met the man she just married. But she finally found a really nice guy, so I think he was worth the wait.
General dating advice. Play 'hard to get'. That has to be the oldest piece of advice around, and a lot of people don't like playing games, but people put more value on what they had to work to get. Next time, be busy when he asks you out sometimes, don't respond to texts too fast and don't initiate all the conversations. Find other interests if you don't already have them and keep persuing them too. Above all, relax and have a good time on a date.
Geez, please don't even think such a thing. You said you had a good time. That's the important thing. So things didn't work out. I love the dress shopping analogy that clharr gave!
Original Post by clharr:
Even if you aren't quite what he was looking for, you are what someone will be looking for. Don't give up. My daughter never seemed to have much luck until she met the man she just married. But she finally found a really nice guy, so I think he was worth the wait.
General dating advice. Play 'hard to get'. That has to be the oldest piece of advice around, and a lot of people don't like playing games, but people put more value on what they had to work to get. Next time, be busy when he asks you out sometimes, don't respond to texts too fast and don't initiate all the conversations. Find other interests if you don't already have them and keep persuing them too. Above all, relax and have a good time on a date.
Totally agree....well put!
Original Post by fidget84:
yeah that play hard to get thing is something i find so so hard to do. I KNOW TIME AFTER TIME YOU HEAR TREAT EM MEAN TO KEEP EM KEEN!!
it's not being "mean" by ignoring a call or saying you are too busy for sat but maybe wed would work. that is not mean at all that is letting him know that you have a life of your own. in a way he will be relieved because chances are he has a life of his own and doesn't want to be suffocated by a relationship.
i wouldn't want a man who let me be mean to them. they have to have a backbone to stick up for themselves so you feel confident that they will stick up for you if you need them to.
Original Post by fidget84:
thanks for answering. yeah i know the self esteem thing is a turn off.... def i know. i dunno how to stop it or hide it or get rid of it.
yeah i think i did seem too easy.... except it was his bloody idea!
if ther are any men out ther with genuine rules about what they like in a girl PUT IT UP!
1) Nice
2) Smart
3) Funny
4) Not flaky
5) Caring
6) Wants to spend time together but gives me space as well
7) Attractive (to me)
Flaky = makes plans then cancels all the time, doesn't return calls, etc...
Attractive = hard to describe...It really depends on the person. I pretty much know when I see it.
Nah your not being an idiot. It sounds to me like he's either A.) really does have things going on that are distracting him, or B.) Is being a complete moron. And not to be pessimistic, and I really can't judge especially because I don't even know him, but it sounds to me like the latter.
I know how it feels to have no self esteem. The first step to building it back up again, for me anyways, was faking it. Hold your head up high, back straight shoulders square, and you'll look confindant. Eventually, you'll begin to believe that you really are confidant. And the rest will fall into place. It'll take time, but I'm 99% sure it'll work. And always keep in mind that the man you are meant to be with will love you for YOU, not what you look like or anything like that.
Although I've had pretty much no experience with boys/relationships I know for a fact that *most* boys like slight curves. Fit, athletic, with a nice pair of boobs and butt. (You can look at my thread 'guys dig curves garbage' and you'll see the ratio between guys attracted to curves and guys attracted to stickish.) It does depend on your age and location tho, unfortunately. Often teenage guys go with what the media says they should like.
Hope this helps. Sorry for the wall of text! :) I hope everything goes ok, and remember that if he doesn't like you for you, you don't wanna be with him anyway. His loss!
I wouldnt worry about it too much (there are so many different types that people look for...while you may not be his type, you are probably someone elses).
Pretty much all you can do is just move on and keep looking...
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