Him or Her? I shouldn't have to choose.

My best friend and I visited some of my friends out of town last year.The friends I stayed with happened to be of the opposite sex. I kinda promised my hubby he was welcome to come next time. I am comfortable with him and my daughter coming along because these people are like my family.

 Here is my dilemma: My best friend (who happens to be my transportation) wants to uninvite him. I understand. If she takes time off she wants to have a blast, and her idea of fun does not include my man or finding babysitters. They get along just fine. Its just her and I haven't had us time together since last time we took the trip.

It would be a hurtful move to tell him he can't come.

It would not settle easy if I told her he was coming or I can't go.

What would you do?

I would talk to your husband, not us.

Tell your husband you'd really like a chance to have some real bonding time with the best friend, and, it sounds like, time away from the difficulties of mommydom. What does he think?

Instead of trying to make the decision for him, explain your situation and discuss it.

The problem is I alredy included him before I knew how she felt . I realy would like for him to meet my friends. I am torn.

My SO wouldn't want to come along for silly girl time.

But, my silly girl time wouldn't involve staying the night at another man's house.

You should talk to him about it.

Original Post by hgielrehtaeh:

But, my silly girl time wouldn't involve staying the night at another man's house.

 Exactly. I want him to come so he can see that these people are like my brothers.

Is there a possibility that you can drive with your husband and met your friend there? WOuld that make the situation different at all? Or your friend wants an exclusively you + her weekend?

I would ask him about it, tell him that you would really like a weekend with you and your best friend, because that seems like what you want.

But wouldnt a family trip be a lot of fun? Then you can take time off another time and do something with just you and your best friend.

Just some suggestions.

hmmm well you dont live with her... but she keeps you sane undoubtedly... i would have to pick family over friend, but thats me. that can be tough if the friend pre-dates the family. ugh. good luck with that one lil b. good to see you came back.

Original Post by charleneraymond:

Is there a possibility that you can drive with your husband and met your friend there?

But wouldnt a family trip be a lot of fun?

 We don't drive.

Sounds like fun to me. BFF dosent have kids.

I would talk to him about it and negotiate.

I am not sure if this would work, but what if you brought your husband and daughter and stayed at a hotel very close to your friend's home? Your husband and daughter can find something to do during the day while you have fun with your friends. But to make things less harsh on your husband, go and sleep with him at the hotel.

If that is not an option, find out what will work between you two. As for the 'uninviting,' say that you just want some private time with your best friend. Maybe you could spend the day with your friend, and have your husband and daughter join you for dinner. Try to meet somewhere in the middle.

Original Post by betsybz:

The problem is I alredy included him before I knew how she felt . I realy would like for him to meet my friends. I am torn.

I guess what I'm saying here is Ignore your Husband's Wishes at your peril.

I do think it's odd the BFF doesn't want to spend time with your family and is putting you in an odd position.

So instead of trying to decide for yourself and put all the responsibility on yourself, I'd talk to your life partner and see where he stands. Maybe it's not a big deal. Maybe it's a HUGE deal and not bringing him along is a BAD idea.

I think you just need to see where the husband stands.

I could leave my daughter with my mom. There is kids where we are going and I want everybody to meet her(my daughter) too.

Ok well its her thats supplying your transportation, so If she doesnt want your family to come (sounds kinda rude...) then they really cant invite themselves. Explain to your husband the situation and see what his feedback is.

Original Post by hkellick:

Original Post by betsybz:

The problem is I alredy included him before I knew how she felt . I realy would like for him to meet my friends. I am torn.

I do think it's odd the BFF doesn't want to spend time with your family and is putting you in an odd position.

 Yes! I blame her in a way.  3 years ago(pre-mommy) I woulda felt the same way as her. I just feel like she could be more understanding.

Think about it - these are your friends and your family - it's not like you're crashing her plans so I think she should be a bit more respectful of you and your desire to be with your family. Maybe explain to her that you come as a package sometimes, and that there will be other times you and her can spend together, but this time you'd like to include your husband and child. A good friend will be flexible and respect your wishes. If she doesn't want to go because of it, find a new ride.

( my tact-o-meter might be weak this early in the morning, but the general point is there! :)

I agree, talk to the hubby see where he stands.  If it's not that big of a deal for him, maybe consider leaving him at home so you and your friend get some quality time, if it IS a big deal to him, talk to your friend.  If she's really your best friend, she should understand.

I've been on the other side of this.  One of my best friends is going to marry a guy very soon.  I like him.  We get along fine.  HOWEVER, I haven't hung out with just her solo since they started dating.  She won't ever tell him he can't come because he pouts and gets annoyed (and generally acts like a bit of a baby about it - this is not exaggerating, I'll go to get her and he'll go off into the bedroom and pout until she goes to get him and asks him if he wants to come)  It's had some effect on our relationship honestly.  I'm not going to lie, I do occasionally resent the fact that she won't ever tell him no... that said, I understand that he is a major part of her life now, and really, it's my problem more than hers.  If I want to hang out with her, he comes as a part of the deal now.  Since I like his company most of the time, that's fine :)

If the hubby does come maybe you can try to make some time to do at least SOMETHING one on one with your friend?  She might appreciate the solo time even if he is there the rest of the visit :)

Original Post by lilsammi23:

I agree, talk to the hubby see where he stands.  If it's not that big of a deal for him, maybe consider leaving him at home so you and your friend get some quality time, if it IS a big deal to him, talk to your friend.  If she's really your best friend, she should understand.

I've been on the other side of this.  One of my best friends is going to marry a guy very soon.  I like him.  We get along fine.  HOWEVER, I haven't hung out with just her solo since they started dating.  She won't ever tell him he can't come because he pouts and gets annoyed (and generally acts like a bit of a baby about it - this is not exaggerating, I'll go to get her and he'll go off into the bedroom and pout until she goes to get him and asks him if he wants to come)  It's had some effect on our relationship honestly.  I'm not going to lie, I do occasionally resent the fact that she won't ever tell him no... that said, I understand that he is a major part of her life now, and really, it's my problem more than hers.  If I want to hang out with her, he comes as a part of the deal now.  Since I like his company most of the time, that's fine :)

If the hubby does come maybe you can try to make some time to do at least SOMETHING one on one with your friend?  She might appreciate the solo time even if he is there the rest of the visit :)

Wow! She has her hands full!

 This might sound crazy but, It would be different if it was a trip to Vegas. He is a very understanding guy. I guess I want him to be included so he can see how big of a deal it is not. Maybe it would ease his mind for future reference.

I know that you need your girl time, but your friend also need to wake up.  The new "YOU" comes w/ more than just you. "YOU" now consists of your husband and kids.  I think that she's being a little possessive.  Your husband should be able to go and meet your friends.  Finding a baby sitter isn't her burden so she shouldn't be affected by your decision to bring the kids along.  What does she plan on doing that will make her feel uncomfortable around your hubby?  I say go ahead take the husband maybe he won't want to tag along next year or maybe your friends will love him and actually want him to be involved next year.  Find another way to get in time with your b/f.  There's no need to cause turbelence in the relationship b/c she can't accept the new you.  Family first.  She can't be number one.  Take him if that's what you really (really) want to do.

Original Post by khandik011:

I know that you need your girl time, but your friend also need to wake up.  The new "YOU" comes w/ more than just you. "YOU" now consists of your husband and kids.  I think that she's being a little possessive.  Your husband should be able to go and meet your friends.  Finding a baby sitter isn't her burden so she shouldn't be affected by your decision to bring the kids along.  What does she plan on doing that will make her feel uncomfortable around your hubby?  I say go ahead take the husband maybe he won't want to tag along next year or maybe your friends will love him and actually want him to be involved next year.  Find another way to get in time with your b/f.  There's no need to cause turbelence in the relationship b/c she can't accept the new you.  Family first.  She can't be number one.  Take him if that's what you really (really) want to do.

 *raises hands*

Ok, that being the case, bring him.  Talk to your friend.  Tell her you really want him included.  If the issue isn't that you guys never get time together then she should have no problem accepting that he's an important part of your life and it's important to you that he get to know your friends... if she does have a problem with that, it's exactly that HER problem.  Not yours.

With regard to your daughter, you did say there were going to be other kids there, right?  Then how exactly would bringing her change the kind of plans you'll all be able to make?  I can't imagine that your other friends with children will be going out without finding a babysitter etc?  If there aren't any other kids coming, you may want to rethink bringing her.  Not because it might be slightly inconvenient to the adults in the group, but she probably wouldn't enjoy an all adult visit that much (depending on her age)

Original Post by khandik011:

I know that you need your girl time, but your friend also need to wake up.  The new "YOU" comes w/ more than just you. "YOU" now consists of your husband and kids.  I think that she's being a little possessive.  Your husband should be able to go and meet your friends.  Finding a baby sitter isn't her burden so she shouldn't be affected by your decision to bring the kids along.  What does she plan on doing that will make her feel uncomfortable around your hubby?  I say go ahead take the husband maybe he won't want to tag along next year or maybe your friends will love him and actually want him to be involved next year.  Find another way to get in time with your b/f.  There's no need to cause turbelence in the relationship b/c she can't accept the new you.  Family first.  She can't be number one.  Take him if that's what you really (really) want to do.

 I agree! This is basically the same thing I was going to say to you here. :) You may need to find your own transportation there.

btw: Every so often someone tries to make others choose! Sadly. They always end up as the one ' left out ' of family/friend functions in my experience.

In my understanding you agreed to go on a trip with your friend who happens to provide the transport. Only then did you invite your hubby and daughter on the same trip. Am  I correct?

I think it is not your friend who needs a wake up call but you. You have made some plan with your friend and now it seems you want to ignore them in favour of your man. While it is completely understandable that family comes first, it is also normal wanting to spend time with your friends.  I mean, if it was supposed to be girls' time together then your man can very well stay at home. You can arrange another visit with your family without your friend and take the train or coach. But it seems to me you want your friend to drive you back and forth like a taxi  but don't want her to be there with you. That's kind of rude.