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hopeless and alone

Im not sure what the purpose of this post is going to be, probablly just a rant. Please dont take offence to anything i write, i just need to "say" this stuff, maybe i will feel a bit better if i do.

Ive been struggling with an ed for about 16months now and am at the point that i realise that there is more to life than calories, weight and spending every minute or every day worrying about it. I know that thereare alot of contributing issues to my ed that i need to work through. The problem is that where i live there are very limited services for helping people with eating disorders. We have one community based serivce that i was assessed for about 2 months ago. Ive yet to hear back from them if i am elidigble for entry into the service. Its pretty much my last hope of getting some help.

I dont want my weight to get so low that trying to get well is going to be impossible. I dont want my thoughts and behaviours to get any worse because its just going to be too hard to change it.

Im at the point where i sabotage any food that im scared of, i will spry it with cleaning products just to stop myself from eating it. Im down to 20cals a day and abusing laxatives. Things are bad enough now, i dont need them to get worse. But the only way to get into a treatmnt programme is to weigh less.

Im at a loss at what to do. Because of the contributing issues to my ed i dont feel emotionally strong enough to try to do this by myself. I honestly believe that if i tried to i would get much worse.

Im so so angry at the health system in this country and the view that you dont need help unless you weigh 40kg and are going to die. I need hep, i want help, ive done everything i can to try to get help for myself but no one is prepared to help me.

I feel very alone and hopeless right now, and i was wrong. writing all this down hasnt helped, its just made me feel even more sorry for myself.

Sorry

Hi Kylie,

I'm no expert nutritionist or psychologist, just an ordinary guy but I felt moved to speak up by your post.

Food is beautiful. Eating is beautiful. If you could but see it you are beautiful too. This isn't ****. These are facts you can't argue with.

Eating is a graceful and fine thing to do.

You deserve the best care because you are a human being. So care for yourself.

Best wishes,

Matt

You need to check in to see a doctor quite urgently.  There may not be specific services for people with eating disorders but I'm sure there would be access to psychologists and similar.  Your doctor may want to run a few blood-tests... you're clearly going to be suffering from malnutrition, anaemia, scurvy and the like.  You already sound as though you are experiencing depression..  a side-effect of starvation.... and for that there will be treatment available.

And as regards support systems.... what about family?  Friends?  Where are they in this picture?  Professional help is one thing but the love and support of friends and relations can be just as valuable.

But do go to see your doctor straight away.  You're really not well and you need help.

Thankyou for your replies.

In regards to my doctor. I have regular check ups with her where she runs blood tests, takes my b/p and BSL. Ive also had an ECG. She knows about the issues and has pretty much done everything possible to help. She has referred me to the eating disorder service but as it is funded by the district health board, they decide if im sick enough to get help. Im still waiting to find out if i am. As for psychologists etc they are provided through the district health board as well. They only see a limited number of people and you ave to be severely mentally unwell or at risk of harming yourself or someone else. I was in this service when i was younger but dont meet the criteria for the service anymore.

We dont really have private medical/mental health serivces here. Its all provided free by the government but the issue with it is lack of funding and resources, hence the problem with getting help.

I do have other support systems, ie my family and friends. However my dad is dying and my family just cant cope with anything else. THey do know about my problem but there is nothing they can do other than try to be there for me. They cant help me get better.

I love my family and friends and i know tey love me. I dont want to hurt them anymore, i dont want to cause any added stress to their lives. Im trying to do all i can to get help but its just not available.

*hug*

for simple conversation and support, you can always come here, and specifically i am more than willing to be at the other end for something even as small as communication.

*hug*

Hi kylie87, I can see that you haven't posted recently so welcome back.

I am glad you have asked us for help as it gives me the opportunity to tell you that, from the sound of it, you need to seek some outside professional counseling as soon as you can.

Suggestions on who to tell when you need help:

• Your parents.  I know that you family has a number of issues, but the eating behaviors that you're describing are extreme and should be addresses as soon as possible.  There will never be a good time to bring it up, so the sooner the better.
  
• A school counselor.  This is part of what their job is all about, trying to help students.  They have an enormous amount of information and resources to help you get more help.  From what you posted earlier you're in school, so even though it's the summer you might be able to get some help there.
  
• A clergymember.  Letting them help you is part of the reason why they signed up.  At the least you get another ear to help talk to you.
• An adult friend. Someone whom you can trust and who will be likely to help you do some research on where to go and even make sure you don't chicken out.

May I ask how old are you? Can you talk to your parents, a doctor, your guidance counselor or school medic/nurse?  What happened with the hospital treatment facility that you mentioned in March?

Have you seen the Health & Support forum's ED Support and Information thread? There are a ton of resources on there which may be useful to you? Also we have an expert on EDs on Calorie Count called Matthew Tiemeyer, check out his pages on Calorie Count as well as his blog on about.com. Also we have a Nutritionist Expert Mary Hartley whose pages might be able to help give you some ideas for foods which you could eat.

I hope the links above help and that you find the positive, healthy support you need, but we must advise you that Calorie-Count is all about healthy and sustainable weight management and therefore cannot support unhealthy eating disordered behaviour from those who are unwilling to get help -- so please get help so you can start to get healthy!

Sara

Volunteer Moderator