horrible break up... need help;(

I was with this guy for almost 4 months ... when we got pregnant. I knew from the second I found out I was going to do it with him or without him. He didn't want me to have him but I wouldn't give in. My parents did not want me to have the baby either. So i kept the baby. We decided to take things slow and not jump into anything just because i was pregnant. Things were rough sometimes i was working full time and going to aesthetic school. He got a full time job and stopped school.... hes older than me bc 6 years. He was in the military for four years then went to college but it wasnt what he wanted so he had no problem getting a job. Things progressed eventually the i love yous came out and then i pretty much lived with him. Then we had the baby ,,, he had a room mate that he had met in the military who decided the first night we brought the baby home that he didnt want to live with someone who had a kid. so he moved out and we decided i should move in. his mom stayed at my parents house with me while he " painted the nursery" and worked alot. Well when the baby was 3 weeks old we still hadnt moved in yet and we had stayed at his house one time. I asked if everything was ok and he said yes it was. Then we got in a fight and i went to stay at his parents house.... that next week i came back he came and talked to me at my parents house saying that i pushed him away , i was ungrateful for everything he gives me, i need reassurance all the time and that he didnt see himself being happy with me. So the baby is now almost 5 months... for the first almost 4 months  of the break up i blamed myself for the relationship falling apart. i was scared because i had a baby on my own no job bc we had planned on me staying home to take care of the baby and i was lviving with my parents.... eventually i found out he had a gf through facebook. One of my best friends called me to see if i was okay and i had no idea. I was devastated bc in my mind we were going to work things out. Well about a month later his gf texts me to tell me she hopes we can be friends and it would make the situation easier on everyone. meanwhile she proceeds to tell me that he cheated on me with her... when his mom was with me taking care of me and our 6 day old baby they met through a friend and were talking constantly... she told me details of our entire break up and that he never even loved me. I was horrified , humiliated , and devastated. Ive come to forgive him for everything bc i know hes a better person thaneverything hes put me through plus it just holds me back. Lately though i keep thinking of everything and i miss him so much. i cry all the time no matter whats going on. ive come a long way,,, im going to nursing school working 2 jobs and dancing for a semi pro team but how can i let go of something and someone who i am connected to for life? he is a good dad a very good dad, just a bad person for what he did to me. I am 20 years old with a baby and im bitter and so depressed bc i do love him. idk what else to do....

OK that chick is a total b!tch for telling you all of that stuff! It doesn't really sound like she wants to be friends, more like she wants to shove it in your face.  Obviously he is NOT a better person, he's treated you like crap, because he's a jerk. Move on. Don't even think about him. Sure, you should stay on friendly terms since you have a kid together, but that's about it. He was horrible to you, and doesn't even really deserve your friendship. Just focus on yourself and your baby.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your ex, but congratulations on your baby! I can only imagine the hurt you feel right now, but you need to stride on. Don't let this cloud the most amazing thing that's happening to you right now. Just concentrate on your baby and be happy with the little blessing.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

He's a loser. You deserve better. It sounds like he had major communication problems and was manipulative. Instead of saying "I met someone else" or "this isnt working out" he lied and tried to pin it on you for "pushing him away" because he felt guilty about cheating and didnt want to take responsibility for it. Guys that cant be open and honest are really hard to live with, plus Im sure youve heard the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" - it sounds like you kind of dodged a bullet by not continuing your relationship with him.

The best revenge against people who drag you down is getting your life together and taking steps toward your future - and leaving those people in the dust. Focus on nursing school and your baby. You have a lot going for you. Dont get distracted by him or his GF. He is always going to be in your life because you share a child, but you get to set boundaries on your interractions with him and his GF - for example you do NOT have to be her friend.

I think that it was pretty naieve of you to choose to have a child with a man you had only been dating for four months. You didn't really give him a choice when it came to being a father. Did you really expect it to end up happily ever after?

Like you said, you wanted to do it with him, or without him. Looks like you have to do it without him.

You had the child.

You wanted the child.

He did not.

You cannot expect him to turn around and become Prince Charming.

Let him go...for you, and for your baby. You both deserve someone who will be there FULL TIME to love and help take care of you both. You deserve a life partner.

In the mean time, focus on you, on the baby, and continue doing what you're doing. That's amazing that you have your parents to help you, many women do not.

I think the best thing for you to do is let him go...he wasn't ready to be a father, and he's certainly not ready or worthy of being your boyfriend/husband/anything other than the biological Father of your child.

Take care of yourself, mentally, physically and emotionally. You deserve it, and your baby most certainly does.

This guy is a creep.  He didn't even want you to have the child, right?   He wanted you to have an abortion, and he left 3 weeks after you had the baby?  You say that you believe him to be a better person then everyone thinks he is...I don't think so.  Actions speak louder then words.  This guy is with another woman who he cheated with...and he blames you??  This is insane. 

Honey, you deserve someone that will stand by you and love you and your child.  You need to focus on you and your baby.  Not him and all of his crap. 

I'm not having go at you but you need to re-read what you wrote and realise that the guy is a shmuck and the girlfriend ain't much better who is she to tell you all those things she was being smug with you "nah nah he loves me not you" kind of thing.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you but I must be a total vengeful so and so because if someone treated me like that they would never see or here from me again, I would never take a penny maintenance from them, their name wouldn't be on the birth certificate and they would never know the child.

There are plenty of lovely men out there who will love you and your child as there own, he is quite frankly surplus to requirements.

Original Post by andie-1:

 

I am so sorry that this has happened to you but I must be a total vengeful so and so because if someone treated me like that they would never see or here from me again, I would never take a penny maintenance from them, their name wouldn't be on the birth certificate and they would never know the child.

It's that kind of tactic that just hurt a innocent child. There's no reason you have to be friends with his girlfriend. Or: Him. However, you've had a child together by choice.That means that you share a common concern now. That being whatever is in the best interest of your child. You share a child. Period.

Some people can't help but run wild with imagination. The potential you hoped for wasn't there between you. That's understandable. It's time to own your emotions about the circumstances. It's okay to be mad/sad about the reality. The reality is that the relationship was a failure. It was doomed because of a lack of mutual feelings, wants, and needs. That doesn't mean that you can't remain friendly for your child. Remain mature. Be strong. Be proud.

This may not be the future that you planned on. It may not be the one you imagined, but be realistic. There are people too proud to accept reality in the best interest of their child. Sometimes: We have to get past our own hurt in order to secure a healthy relationship/future for our children. The potential of a relationship between you as a couple may be nill. That's something you have to come to terms with yourself. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't do everything within reason/power to ensure a healthy one for your child with the father.

 Love yourself. Love your child.

Original Post by enchantingimage:

Original Post by andie-1:

 

I am so sorry that this has happened to you but I must be a total vengeful so and so because if someone treated me like that they would never see or here from me again, I would never take a penny maintenance from them, their name wouldn't be on the birth certificate and they would never know the child.

It's that kind of tactic that just hurt a innocent child. There's no reason you have to be friends with his girlfriend. Or: Him. However, you've had a child together by choice.That means that you share a common concern now. That being whatever is in the best interest of your child. You share a child. Period.

Umm he wanted her to have an abortion and the child doesn't miss what it never had.

we'll agree to differ :)

Original Post by andie-1:

Original Post by enchantingimage:

Original Post by andie-1:

 

I am so sorry that this has happened to you but I must be a total vengeful so and so because if someone treated me like that they would never see or here from me again, I would never take a penny maintenance from them, their name wouldn't be on the birth certificate and they would never know the child.

It's that kind of tactic that just hurt a innocent child. There's no reason you have to be friends with his girlfriend. Or: Him. However, you've had a child together by choice.That means that you share a common concern now. That being whatever is in the best interest of your child. You share a child. Period.

Umm he wanted her to have an abortion and the child doesn't miss what it never had.

we'll agree to differ :)

A child can miss what it never had in all reality. That's a simple fact of life but common misconception.

Circumstances change.

The start / The middle/ The Now/ The Future.  The only thing constant in life is that things are always changing.

Her parents wanted her to have an abortion too. However, they're currently helping her raise this child. :) The OP said " he is a good dad a very good dad, just a bad person for what he did to me. " That's something she has to come to terms with personally. Otherwise: It's just a personal vendetta against the man harming the child.  Some people punish their children in attempt to seek vengeance for being wronged.

It's a wonderful thing for a kid to have two good parents. To be able to say " He is a good dad a very good dad, it just didn't work out between my parents. She is a good mom a very good mom too. I have two good parents. "That's more than a lot of kids can say in all actuality. So what. Maybe they aren't together but they share a common goal! Be good parents together just seperately. Good parents are still on the same team,imho. This is a good time to start counting your blessings.

 There is a common goal/concern you two share: To act in the best interest of your child. It's important to put your emotions aside while you parent. The OP can own her emotions without letting them interfere with the child's relationship with the father. :)

The circumstances aren't unclear the OP has expressed he's a good father. It would be a shame to say " A child can't miss what it never knew it already had."  or " He is a good dad a very good dad, but I'll never allow it to continue."

Be realistic/mature to act in the best interest of your child.

Original Post by andie-1:

There are plenty of lovely men out there who will love you and your child as there own, he is quite frankly surplus to requirements.

you're comparing her parents with a guy who lied, and cheated on her when she was pregnant with his child, who offered to make a home for them but never gave her the key.....seriously!

of course i can see why it's in the best interest of the child to have a mother who is so unhappy because of that childs so called wonderful dad.

i stand by what i said the dad can be replaced by one that will give the child's mother the love that she deserves.

this is the 21st century not the dark ages where you fore go all your rights to happiness for the sake of the children. there are plenty of single parents and their children want for nothing......makes me wonder how so many immature single parents are able to make such a good job of it. hats off to them.

Original Post by andie-1:

Original Post by andie-1:

There are plenty of lovely men out there who will love you and your child as there own, he is quite frankly surplus to requirements.

"you're comparing her parents with a guy who lied, and cheated on her when she was pregnant with his child, who offered to make a home for them but never gave her the key.....seriously!"

Response: Seriously. Circumstances in every relationship change. The child wasn't wanted by preference at the beginning in either case. That's the truth in more cases than people would like to believe in all reality. Or: Admit. By preference: Most people wouldn't have been born. Period.

"of course i can see why it's in the best interest of the child to have a mother who is so unhappy because of that childs so called wonderful dad. "

Response: The title of mate/husband/life partner may not have worked out. They may not have had mutual needs, wants, and feelings. That's apparent. However: It's been stated he's a good father having taken that role now. That is something that should make the mother happy. Happy to know that he can be a good father to their child. He may not make a wonderful lover/partner, but he's a good father now. There is a difference between being a good mate/partner vs. father. They are two completely different roles to fill. Sometimes the same person can/can't fill both. That doesn't mean they should be punished if they're a good parent. It doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed to be the  "a good parent." The OP has already established him to be one at that at point in time.

"i stand by what i said the dad can be replaced by one that will give the child's mother the love that she deserves."

 Response: That's something she needs to do for herself. She needs to personally replace his role towards her. Or: Love herself. The role he has towards his child is one he can still hold. The OP has expressed he's a very good father. There is no reason they can not be good parents seperately. They're two mature adults that are also good parents. They do not have to be a couple to be good parents individually. The child they share shouldn't be caught in the middle. That has nothing to do with the childs relationship with each parent individually. They're already good parents. They can be good parents together seperately.

"this is the 21st century not the dark ages where you fore go all your rights to happiness for the sake of the children. there are plenty of single parents and their children want for nothing......makes me wonder how so many immature single parents are able to make such a good job of it. hats off to them."

  Response: The jaded mindset stating you can't be happy while co-parenting separately is ludicrous. Two good parents are better that one in any case. The bond the child has with his father has nothing to do with their past relationship. Two good biological parents can maintain a friendly/stable atmosphere for their children. It's not something they have to be together in a relatioinship to do. They can also venture off on their own personal life path to find love/fulfillment. There is no reason each biological parent can't love again. Two step-parents/partners can also be introduced to children. All four if that is the case can work together in order to act in the best interest of the child. That's completely modern yet in the best interest of children. aka: Good parenting without a personal vendetta against an ex.

Two words:

Child Support.

Make sure he's paying his share.

Original Post by cpontifex:

I think that it was pretty naieve of you to choose to have a child with a man you had only been dating for four months. You didn't really give him a choice when it came to being a father. Did you really expect it to end up happily ever after?

Like you said, you wanted to do it with him, or without him. Looks like you have to do it without him.

I think that it is admirable that she chose to have the child, even knowing that the father and her parents were not on board.

In this world of instant gratification, abortion is so quickly chosen for idiotic and selfish reasons.

He had every choice in the world when it came to creating this child: he chose to have sex with her.

This woman is going to nursing school and working to support herself and her child. Naive is not the word that comes to mind. Perhaps idealistic, but who isn't?

God works in mysterious ways and this baby (and all others) was planned and has a purpose!

Kudos to the OP: keep your head up and stay strong.

CHILD SUPPORT

These two people (if they get married) may be in your likfe forever b/c you will be connected through your child.  But keep it limited contact and when your child gets older; try not to be too negative so they don't hate their dad. 

It's you and your baby against the world.  In time; you'll  work through this; but don't live in the past.  Right now you have to focus on your child and making sure they are happy and feel loved and safe. 

Aww sweetie.  I wish I could just give you a huge hug right now.  To the people being negative, just let it all pass you by. I'm 30 with a 10 year old so I know exactly what that 20 with a baby feels like.  My situation was different but believe me everyone had an opinion that didn't have a good outcome.  It does get easier.... I'm a pm away if you need anything at all...even just to vent.

Your decision was a difficult one but made with a lot of consideration.  Seeing that he cheated he's the problem, not you.  He wasn't pushed if he was cheating... he was doing what he wanted and being selfish.  This new girlfriend sounds like a real peach.  She's trying to stir trouble, don't talk to her or engage this.

I would get things settled legally ASAP.  Make sure it's all spelled out  (visitation, and terms for it i.e. feeding schedule, doctor plans, whether they're overnight (if you're nursing) etc that way there's no room for confusion) and that he is paying support.  I've had a lot of people go through similar with relationships ending and children to care for who all logged every receipt and expense and took that with them to show exactly what the real costs are.

He didn't want the baby but the only surefire way to NOT have one is to not have sex to begin with.  The girlfriend saying it would make it easier is either seriously passive aggressive and trying to get you to not file for support....or....things aren't all paradise and she's worried he'll end up realizing how important that little one really is and change his tune.  And also for later, always be positive about Dad... I know it might not be easy but if you never have a negative word about him it'll be easier when that teenage behavior starts.  Also, if you have any pictures, keepsakes, etc... box them for the baby to have later.  I know this really helped my cousin come to terms with things just having something like that to remind her that her parents did love each other and it wasn't her fault things went south.

Hang in there!

Original Post by andie-1:

I am so sorry that this has happened to you but I must be a total vengeful so and so because if someone treated me like that they would never see or here from me again, I would never take a penny maintenance from them, their name wouldn't be on the birth certificate and they would never know the child.

 I would absolutely not do this.  For one thing, there is not reason for a child to have to do without because his father is a jerk.  I would definitely want him to pay child support and would allow as much visitation as he wants within reason unless there is some kind of abuse involved.  This child is innocent and doesn't deserve to grow up not knowing his father.  The father might be a creep to you but he still deserves to know and care for his child.  You won't be doing the kid any good by depriving him of the love of a father even if you can't be together.  I'd also be as sweet as I could to the new girlfriend in the hope that the guilt would drive her crazy.  She's clearly trying to stir up trouble.  Don't give her the satisfaction.  You don't have to like it or them but you do have to act in the best interest of your child and do whatever you can to make it work.  In addition, live your life and be open to meeting new people.  There's clearly no future with this guy, and you might think you love him, but you can get through this.  A great guy who would be a great stepfather is out there.  You just need to find him.  Just don't cut your child's father out of his life.  This is unfair to your child and I think it will backfire on you later in your child's life.  Good luck to you!

Original Post by kelleigh:

In this world of instant gratification, abortion is so quickly chosen for idiotic and selfish reasons.

 

That's a bit narrow-minded. 

Original Post by alibsam:

Original Post by kelleigh:

In this world of instant gratification, abortion is so quickly chosen for idiotic and selfish reasons.

 

That's a bit narrow-minded. 

 I would say not necessarily narrow-minded, but definitely somewhat uninformed.  I have known a few women who have had abortions and took care of a roommate or two after they've had abortions.  It's a medical procedure that takes recovery and it can be quite painful post-procedure.  I don't know anyone who simply walked away from the clinic without some kind of recovery period.  It's not a procedure to be taken lightly and I've not known anyone who could just have an abortion and forget about it.

Well, lets see...just because the father of the child isn't ready to have a child, or because of the fact that they were only together 4 months...those both seem like idiotic and selfish reasons to have an abortion. As do, 'I don't want a kid right now' and 'now just isn't a good time'.

Caverlady, I know that it is a medical procedure. I also know that, in most cases, it is an elective procedure.