horrible break up... need help;(

I was with this guy for almost 4 months ... when we got pregnant. I knew from the second I found out I was going to do it with him or without him. He didn't want me to have him but I wouldn't give in. My parents did not want me to have the baby either. So i kept the baby. We decided to take things slow and not jump into anything just because i was pregnant. Things were rough sometimes i was working full time and going to aesthetic school. He got a full time job and stopped school.... hes older than me bc 6 years. He was in the military for four years then went to college but it wasnt what he wanted so he had no problem getting a job. Things progressed eventually the i love yous came out and then i pretty much lived with him. Then we had the baby ,,, he had a room mate that he had met in the military who decided the first night we brought the baby home that he didnt want to live with someone who had a kid. so he moved out and we decided i should move in. his mom stayed at my parents house with me while he " painted the nursery" and worked alot. Well when the baby was 3 weeks old we still hadnt moved in yet and we had stayed at his house one time. I asked if everything was ok and he said yes it was. Then we got in a fight and i went to stay at his parents house.... that next week i came back he came and talked to me at my parents house saying that i pushed him away , i was ungrateful for everything he gives me, i need reassurance all the time and that he didnt see himself being happy with me. So the baby is now almost 5 months... for the first almost 4 months  of the break up i blamed myself for the relationship falling apart. i was scared because i had a baby on my own no job bc we had planned on me staying home to take care of the baby and i was lviving with my parents.... eventually i found out he had a gf through facebook. One of my best friends called me to see if i was okay and i had no idea. I was devastated bc in my mind we were going to work things out. Well about a month later his gf texts me to tell me she hopes we can be friends and it would make the situation easier on everyone. meanwhile she proceeds to tell me that he cheated on me with her... when his mom was with me taking care of me and our 6 day old baby they met through a friend and were talking constantly... she told me details of our entire break up and that he never even loved me. I was horrified , humiliated , and devastated. Ive come to forgive him for everything bc i know hes a better person thaneverything hes put me through plus it just holds me back. Lately though i keep thinking of everything and i miss him so much. i cry all the time no matter whats going on. ive come a long way,,, im going to nursing school working 2 jobs and dancing for a semi pro team but how can i let go of something and someone who i am connected to for life? he is a good dad a very good dad, just a bad person for what he did to me. I am 20 years old with a baby and im bitter and so depressed bc i do love him. idk what else to do....

if i told you what i really thought about this situation...i might make you cry...

having said that good luck with everything...I hope all turns out well.

1. The boyfriend seems to have made some sort of effort for the 9 months the OP was pregnant. Sounds like he is a decent enough fellow that simply found himself unable to love the OP. No sin there - we can't help who we love.

2. While the situation isn't ideal - it doesn't have to be ugly. The girlfriend was right in that they can all try to be friends. The OP could look at her confession as simply that, a way to clear the air and start from truth.

3. These three people (OP, father & child) will be in each other's lives for the next 20 or thirty years - the only thing that makes sense is to be on good terms and not harbor vindictiveness or resentment.

4. OP: take heart. You aren't the first 20 year old to find yourself in this situation, you won't be the last. Be encouraged by the fact that your baby's father at least tried to do the right thing. The fact that he failed, doesn't make him any less human than anyone else here.

5. Lys is right - be certain that support is paid. It's not about you or him it's about the baby being cared for. You guys can choose to be adults and be friends or you can fall into the he said/she said trap. It's up to you to decide which you want for your baby.

Original Post by caverlady:

Original Post by alibsam:

Original Post by kelleigh:

In this world of instant gratification, abortion is so quickly chosen for idiotic and selfish reasons.

 

That's a bit narrow-minded. 

 I would say not necessarily narrow-minded, but definitely somewhat uninformed.  I have known a few women who have had abortions and took care of a roommate or two after they've had abortions.  It's a medical procedure that takes recovery and it can be quite painful post-procedure.  I don't know anyone who simply walked away from the clinic without some kind of recovery period.  It's not a procedure to be taken lightly and I've not known anyone who could just have an abortion and forget about it.

 People could redirect that whole statement,imo. " In this world of instant gratification, children are born/conceived for the wrong reasons. Quick/Rash decisions chosen for idiotic/selfish reasons."

It's the kind of statement can go both ways!!! :) Lets play nice/fair. Either way. It can still amount to that given circumstances. 

You should read your own post.  Sometimes it is easier to ignore the obvious because it is not what you emotionally want.

Don't try to explain that he's a really good guy.  Good guys don't ask you to get an abortion, cheat on relationships, and lie, lie, lie.  When you say that you are basically lying to yourself when you need to deal with the now.  He is not a champion among men.

You seem to have your heart in the right place; now you need to work on getting your head there, too.  You need a big boost for your self esteem. 

I had a child when I was 15 and placed him for adoption.  Admittedly, this was 37 years ago, but it was still the right decision.  I was not mature enough to care for a baby because I was still a child myself.  I have since met my son, and he has had a very good life.  There were many regrets on my part but it let my son and myself go on to normal lives.

You are in my prayers.  If you want to talk...

M

Original Post by kelleigh:

Caverlady, I know that it is a medical procedure. I also know that, in most cases, it is an elective procedure.

 You're right, it's usually an elective procedure, but it's usually not an easy decision to come to and the aftermath is often traumatic.  I found myself at 23 pregnant and not married.  I considered abortion and decided I couldn't do it and ended up having my oldest son who I love more than my own life.  I didn't have an abortion because it wasn't right for me, but I would never deny that same choice to someone else.

Agree. The assumption that abortion is, somehow, a get out of jail free card is fairly inaccurate. Doesn't really matter here, however, because the OP already made that decision.

Original Post by kathygator:

Doesn't really matter here, however, because the OP already made that decision.

 Just went off on a tangent.  Happens sometimes in this forum.

Yep. I am the 'going off on a tangent' queen. :)

LOL!  You're not alone in that!