The horror of the scale....

Hello everyone, I'd like some input on this topic. I will preface this by saying that I am in recovery for anorexia and have been for the better part of this year. I am proud of myself, but am finding that my weight is creeping up past the point that I am comfortable with. My goal is to stay above a BMI of 18.5 (which is the lower limit for normal weight) but as close to 19 as possible as anything above 19.5 or 20ish tends to frighten me right now.

I thought that I was around 130 pounds, and would like to be around 115. So I began an exercise program and adjusted my calories (upward) accordingly. I bought a scale and monitored my weight, and quickly (in two months or so) lost ten pounds, bringining me to around 120, give or take depending on the day.

But here's my dilemma. While I've clearly lost at least some weight, several OTHER scales have said that I am, in fact, STILL 130 pounds. This frightens me. Was I 140 before? How can I tell what my weight really is? The number on the scale, unfortunately, frightens me. Now I feel like I need to lose even more weight and I'm trying desperately to stop thinking that way. The truth is even thinking I was at 120, I wanted to lose weight, but seeing this makes me nervous. I wish I could be free of these unhealthy thought patterns and not hide my body anymore behind sweatshirts and baggy tees. I feel really bad about myself and need some advice for escaping the numbers game....

:(

Escape the numbers game by not weighing yourself.   Scales vary and your weight varies.  So every time you step on a different scale on a different day, you'll get a different reading.   If that causes you to go back to old, destructive behaviour patterns then you are much better off staying well away from any kind of scale.  You should also try to get away from calorie counting as that's yet another numbers game that is very dangerous for people with a history of EDs.

If you feel bad about yourself, go back to whoever helped you with your recovery (doctor, counsellor etc.) and ask for help.  Recovery is a continuous process with new challenges at every step of the way.  Your next challenge is to accept that a BMI of 20 - 25 is healthy and desirable and that people who weigh 120-130lbs do not have to be hidden away from society as if they are shameful or ugly....  (I weigh more than that and I'm beautiful )  Get out of those baggy tee-shirts into some decent clothing WITHOUT losing weight, hold your head high and you'll feel much more confident about your appearance. 

That's some really good advice that I kind of can't believe I hadn't considered before. Maybe scales and calorie counting isn't working for me at all. Thanks for your help with seeing this issue in a new light.

I don't know as much about eating disorders as other people here-- but congratulations on the work you've done so far! Perhaps you'd do better to judge your body by how strong and healthy you feel. Maybe even go to the point of only weighing yourself once a year when you visit your doctor!