Hubby will have nothing to do with Healthy....

My hubby was in the Marine Corps for 5 years- and he was gorgeous.  He has the potential for a GREAT physique!!  However now that he's been out for 3 years, he is 6'-0" and weighing 260 at 27 years old.  He has gained 45 pounds in the three years we've been together.  I know he has the ability to lose weight- I've known him for many years and he's always been in good shape until recently.  I'm concerned because his grandfather and father are diabetic.  This means he is prone to becoming diabetic, and the doc says he already has high blood pressure. 

I encourage him to go for walks with me, but he says that he hates walking and that he is on his feet walking all day at work.  I then ask him to go to the gym with me or jog or run with me, but he says he hates doing all of those things also. 

As far as trying to get him to eat more healthy- it's like pulling teeth.  When we go to the store and we're shopping for his food for lunches, he'll grab boxes of frozen taquitos and corn dogs.  I try and point out the more healthy options but he just won't have it.  Then he goes down the baking aisle and says we should buy brownie mix and have brownies.  I am really trying to work on eating well and not eating late, and I keep asking for his help in keeping stuff like that away from me, or making it when I'm out.  If I don't get him to try and find food at the store to eat on his lunches, he just goes to burger king and other fast food places for lunch.  Then when we are at home, he's constantly snacking on the couch sitting right next to me, offering me food even though I've told him I CAN'T eat crappy food, I DON'T WANT him offering me food, it does no good for me when I'm trying to lose weight.  Immediately after I turned down one of his snacks last night, he suggests we go to the store and buy cake mix and bake a cake together.  WHAT THE HECK DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND!???!

Anyone else have this issue?  What's a concerned wife to do?  I love him the way he is, but not if he doesn't care about himself, doesn't care about being healthy to stick around a while and grow old with me....  :(

If your husband is always snacking and always wanting sweets he is probably already diabetic. He can't satisfy his hunger. My husband was diabetic when we got married and even when I tried monitoring his food he always managed to eat larger helpings than he should have and craved lots of things. He died when he was only 68 years old. His diabetes first led to a heart attack and then finally a stroke so he was paralyzed on his right side for the last two years of his life.

I'm really sorry to hear about that.  I will see if I can get him to go to the doctor since he hasn't been there in almost a year.  The same thing happened to his grandfather though- fine gentleman, he had diabetes and then had a stroke and was paralyzed on one side also- died too young.  Maybe I should try to have a heart-to-heart with my hubby.  Thank you for your take on it.  I will try and find out if he's craving or just bored next time he heads for the fridge.  ;)

My only suggestion for his said "stubbornness" is to start to trick him.  When you make baked goods, start using substitutes for the fattening and sugary ingredients, like applesauce and splenda...

There are all kinds of subtle substitutions you can make when prepping the meals that he may not notice.  I haven't tried replacing the potatoes in "mashed potatoes" with cauliflower, but I hear they basically taste the same, minus the calories..

Good luck though.

Hi I can understand your concerns but I think open communication is key. He is an adult and till one is ready to change they won't. I think sitting down with him and stating your fears and seriousness of his health. That you don't expect him to not enjoy food but to try to lean towards healthy choices as well. Maybe take the focus off weight and put it into the health conditions he has or could. The note of pushing food on you keep telling him but also tell him how he is not listening and how this hurts you. That you have to eat healthy for you health. He may not be at the point to help you and you may have to use other supports through this and be self accountable when he pushed food on you but also keep things in your home to fit your needs. These are just my thoughts and you have to see what will work for you guys

Some young men have an unfortunate tendency to think they're immortal.   Wives are least best placed to convince them otherwise, unfortunately, and it just comes across as nagging.   Most need a 'Road to Damascus Moment' to get them to change their habits and doctors are reasonably good at providing those.  Although if he's got high blood pressure and all the rest, the message isn't getting through.  Maybe his dad or grandfather could have a heart-to-heart with him?  'Don't end up like me son'...   Peer-pressure is another possible motivator.  If he had a good friend that embarked on a health-kick he might be more tempted to join in.  But if his buddies are all beer-swilling couch potatoes he's more likely to follow suit

Another thing that I've found is that men (and women) automatically assume that a healthy lifestyle is going to mean serious misery.  If 'diet' to your husband is synonymous with 'lettuce, water and no chocolate' or if he thinks its 'a bit girly' that will put him off even getting started.  But if you set a good example, show that there is room in a healthy diet for the occasional brownie or corn dog and put together some healthy, yet filling/interesting/tasty/man-sized meals at home he might think again.

Finally... maybe he misses the army life and feels a bit at a loose end?  He sounds like he's very bored, to be honest.  Relations of mine who were in the army had their lives so minutely mapped out for them that they found civvy life really difficult to get used to.... 'nothing to do'.  I don't know the answer.... some kind of project to work on?  Something more structured? 

It sounds as if your husband is not making much effort to help you, be understanding or compromise - I would hit him up about that.  Aside from that, what about doing the grocery shopping on your own? Whenever my boyfriend comes grocery shopping with me he always throws in a whole lot of junk. When I go shopping alone, I mostly buy healthy stuff - and my boyfriend does eat it if he's actually hungry! Just a thought.

Osainto- He is open to substitutions and trying new things (Egg Beaters, Splenda, etc) but he usually doesn't seem to like them, or if he does he still eats it with half a pound of bacon.  Thanks for the encouragement.  :)

Abbi333- I tried yesterday to lightly bring up his cravings for sweets and if maybe it was a sign of early diabetes, and he didn't take me seriously and just said "It's only every once in a while, don't even worry about it."  I have a lot of healthy snacks in the house since I let myself buy anything I see that is super-healthy, different than what I've been eating lately, and will give me some variety.  Example- organic soups, granola bars, whole wheat crackers (oh yeah, he likes these but puts Cheese in a Can on them), pitas, whole wheat tortillas, grapes, lunchmeat, etc, etc....

gi-jane- I think that is what it's going to take for him to see the light.  Unfortunately his grandpa died and his father he doesn't talk to that often, and they're not really that close.  Plus is father is a goofball and I don't think he'd ever talk to him about things like that.  We have a roommate that is a buddy from the Marine Corps, and he hasn't gained much weight since getting out and he eats smaller portions than my husband, snacks less, etc.  He also drinks beer a lot though, and thanksfully my hubby doesn't drink much at all so that's a plus.  He might miss the military.  When he first got out he was the spontanaity in the relationship.  We would just go drive places, go see things, just always out and about.  Now whenever I ask to go anywhere or do anything, he is always making up excuses not to go and doesn't want to do much of anything.  He knows I am ALWAYS up to do ANYTHING and yet a walk around a lake, hit up a zoo, go watch a movie, or a walk up a small mountain is nothing compared to tv and video games.  :/

merylwhite1- I wish I could grocery shop myself.  With our roommate here, he pays for 1/3 of the groceries when we go out.  Which means we all shop together so everyone has a say in dinners and picking up things they need.  I can't shop for just my hubby and I because I would feel bad making dinners for two and leaving him to eat processed meals himself while we eat the roast in the crock pot, the ham in the oven, etc.  And I have to remind/hint/tell repeatedly him to pay for a third of something if we go out without him to buy, so I always make sure he's there, wallet in hand.  If there's a better way, I'd love to know it.... I can't just shop and then give him the bill because he is a person where if you don't say anything for a while about it, I don't knwo if he just forgets or purposely lets it go, but I'm afraid he wouldn't pay us back unless I do the constant reminding like I do.  He's not my kid, he should want to pay us back right away.... :S  He's a good guy though.  Just hard to get him to part with his cash.  But anyway- they find things like corn dogs and fried wontons and such together at the grocery store.... I feel like I can't tell the roommate what to eat, he's not my husband.  But I care what kind of foods my hubby eats.  I don't want to be that "nagging wife" we all get the pleasure of being called....

Thanks so much guys for your takes on this.  I really appreciate the suggestions and the support.  :)

honestly, being too pushy can cause him to resent you. so instead of talking about what he's doing wrong just lead by example and boast about the benefits of being healthy. he will come around and if he doesn't then it's his choice to be made. don't put yourself in opposition to him or else you risk straining your marriage and making him feel like you're making a judgment about your attraction to him. i would suggest a doctor's visit and if his weight is a huge health concern the doctor will enlighten him, removing some of the burden from you. he is an adult and has to come to this decision on his own and i know it can be frustrating but allow him to come around on his own terms. good luck :)

thanks chrissy.  :)  I can definitely lead by example, it's just sad sometimes because I want the very best for him.  Its what he deserves. 

The shared groceries is a tough situation.  What i would do would be to talk to the roommate and stay that YOU (leave your hubby out of it) are trying to eat healthier and you dont think its fair for him to have to front up for 1/3 of your 'healthy' foods that he doesn't eat.  (Just put a bit of spin on the situation).  Perhaps suggest that you should buy separate foods for breakfasts/lunches and you are still willing to cook healthy dinners for the 3 of you to share (if he wants that), and he can pay 1/3 of the cost of dinner ingredients.  That's pretty much the only thing I can think of in this situation...

Either that or get rid of the roomie and tell your hubby that no junk is gonna be available in the house because you need to lose weight and can't do it with junk food being so readily available.  He should be understanding of this, and if its not there you just dont eat it.  If he's really craving something I'm sure he'll get off his butt and go to the supermarket to buy it, but just tell him you dont want him to eat it in front of you. 

If he's not being supportive of your weight loss efforts he's an ass.

i understand your plight, as my husband also eats rather badly and doesn't exercise.  when we went hiking awhile ago, he really lagged behind me and ended up very very sore for the next few days, while i was still strong to do more.

i'd like for him to get healthier but i know he has to want to do it for himself. i offer him suggestions and try to encourage him when he brings it up, but i know he has to ultimately make those decisions for himself.  i would resent it if he tried to change my diet and exercise habits so i know i can't make him want to change by constantly bringing it up.

probably an outside professional opinion would be more effective.

thanks singing_girl and cerealaddict.  As far as grocery shopping goes, I am pretty sure it will work out even better if we all buy our own breakfast/lunch items, and I am more than willing to make the healthy dinners so I think just having dinner made for the roommate is persuasion enough to try and find some more healthy dishes we can all eat.    I wish we could afford to ask him to find his own place, but that's another battle.

And I should be more respectful of his eating/exercise habits... I would also be resentful if he came in and tried to change mine. 

Thanks again folks, there is a lot of help and support on these forums! 

I really think that your husband is probably going through that thing that most husbands go through at one time or another, which I like to call "Being Totally Oblivious To The Plight Of Their Wife".

I love my husband with all my heart, but he does this, too. If I'm worried about him, or upset about something, and he ignores me, and I get angry and sad because I think he doesn't care about me, and then he asks what's wrong, and was, in fact, totally oblivious the entire time that I was even bothered.

When I have something to discuss with my husband, I always wait until before bedtime to sit down and talk with him. (we share accomadation as well, so it helps that everybody else is in bed asleep). I'll say, sometime during the day, "Hey, hon, can we have a talk later on tonight?" Just to let him know, before we go to bed, we're going to talk about something important, so that he's prepared and not feeling like I sprung it on him at the last minute.

Then, when that time rolls around, and you are both getting dressed for bed, brushing hair and teeth, making the bed, whatever all that stuff you do right before you hop in and go to sleep, start talking to him. Say, "Honey, there's something I'm really worried about, and it's seriously making me very upset, and I'd like to talk to you about it, if you would just listen for a while."

When I say this, my husband will let me talk until I say, "So, what do you think about that?" Try and let your husband know that you want to talk until you are done with your little speech. This way you can get everything out, he can hear everything, and then you can hear what he has to say about it.

Your husband loves you and doesn't want to make you miserable, but probably he thinks you're overreacting, or the signals that you're giving that you think are VERY OBVIOUS go right over his head (I don't know why, it's a man thing.) So you need to be direct, not subtle, obvious. Tell him EXACTLY what you think.

An example of what you might say:

"Honey, I'm really worried because of your eating habits. You know I'm trying to lose weight, and it's fine if you don't want to as well, but you're really holding me back. I wish you were more supportive. Also, I'm worried about your family history of diabetes. You don't think you eat many sweets, but I pay attention and I think you do. I'm not trying to be critical, I'm just really worried. I don't want to lose you, I love you and I want to grow old with you. I want us to both be fit and healthy so we can be together for many more years. I wish that you would respect me and my decision to get healthy by helping me and encouraging me during my weight loss by not eating junk food right in front of me and maybe being more supportive of the healthy meals I prepare. I would also really love it if you and I could talk about maybe some healthier choices for snacks and dinners to have in the house. We can still have brownies and cakes and stuff, just not everyday. I want to get you food that you like, but I don't want to be overweight anymore. What do you think of that?"

Sometimes boys just don't get our girl way of saying things, and you need to be more direct. But you also have to accept what he says as well, and hopefully come to a compromise.

I hope that helps. Good luck!

xoxo ari

Thank you!  That was a very eloquent way to put it that you wrote.  I also like how you state your side, and then let him have his say.  I usually start it right off as a conversation and bring the points up as I go more than laying it all out, letting him digest it, and then letting him tell me what he thinks about it.  I would usually say about half of what you have written at first, and then the other half end up coming out as arguments for my reasons for concern.

Great advice.

My hubby and I are FINALLY counting calories and "dieting" together after many years of him telling me that "we" are fat and need to lose weight. And, guess what finally made him want to do it? He went to the doctor for another problem, the doctor weighed him and told him flat out that he was getting FAT! That's all it took and the next day he started counting calories! Too bad more doctors aren't telling us the plain truth!

My husband is a bit more stubborn.  I love him a lot, and I want him to be healthy, but I don't ask him to work out or exercise.  He has been supportive of my weight loss, and when I get treats I try to get things that he likes but are not so tempting to me. 

As I have dieted and lost some weight and started exercising and am seeing results he has gotten interested himself.  He's shorter than me (about 3 inches) and has always weighed less than me.  Even when we got married!  So when I mentioned my weight one day and it was less than his, it kind of freaked him out. 

Since then he has gotten much more interested in watching what he eats.  He has also gotten on the treadmill a few times.  He has lost a few pounds and feels better, so I think my example has helped to motivate him.

Sorry all of that was kind of rambling... 

It's great that you're leading by example karozel!  I can see how being subtle might be the better path in some cases instead of "nagging" him on it.  I just think for my hubby it might be more of a health issue since he's been deteriorating a bit too rapidly in my eyes.  I will cool off for a few days and try to sort of watch what his food choices are and I will make my own choices, and make sure that I'm not over-reacting to him... after all, we all eat what we're craving every now and then to give ourselves a treat and keep us sane.  If I really feel my worries are justified, I will have a good talk with my hubby about how I am seeing things. 

As for my hubby always trying to feed me snacks when I tell him time and again not to- I'll just have to keep declining, and he'll get it eventually.  Besides, maybe it's subliminally making me stronger and more able to say no.  Maybe he's doing me a favor!  :P