huge

I don't know. I have been really struggling lately. taking diet pills abusing stimulants and started working out again alot but then now my knee is messed up its so annoying.

I had gained weight to 123 because i was pregnant and then this past week i lost 13 pounds so now im down to 110.

Im 5'6 and a half and i weigh 110 i had to stop seeing my psychiatrist who was my only support because of money issues and stuff and she said i was significantly underweight.

but i went to see this therapist who i thought took medicaid/kidcare i only went to one session and he said i am underweight but that it wasnt that bad. so is bad?

i dont think so idont know though anymore.

today I have eaten half a bannana with 2 tabelspoons of pb before going to work wich there i am very active. that was 250 calories and then i drank 2 mountain dews Regular....wich i never used to drink regualr pop.

each mountain dew was 180 calories each that 360 just in two drinks in total i have had a total of 610 calories today.

I feel huge like i have eaten alot.

today my weight went up 1.8 pounds idk if its water weight or just scale error i didnt have time to recheck it because i havent been home since i went to work so idk but my weight was 111.8 today.

i still want to lose more....

Intuitive,

I just want to say firstly that I've noticed that most of the people I've come across with eating disorders have been the most intuitive, creative, intelligent people I've ever met. Being with them makes me feel safer in my own skin, and not only because we share a lot of the same pains, but because we have creativity in common and see the world in the same way. This is a comfort to me.

I have trouble like you do as well. Today for instance has been paticularily hard for me. Not only is it the holidays and sweets are rampant, but my family has very poor eating habits. They can eat sweets mindlessly, something I wish was easy for me. I've been counting everything I put into my mouth, which is not unusual, but more overwhelming for me today. The calories are adding up faster, earlier in the day and because I currently live with my family, I am forced to eat 3 square meals a day. I am full of anxiety because of the food, because I don't know when to stop when I start and it's so hard to start in the first place. It's a wicked cruel roller coaster ride and I can't wait until I can say I'm ed free. He eats me alive, no pun intended.

Stay strong, eat well, and keep being you. You're beautiful. Remember we share this struggle, take comfort in knowing you're not alone.

love