hurtful - mama doesn't take me seriously!

Alright, so I know I'm probably being a mental, but this makes me feel so very hurt and overlooked that I'll just have to vent. My mother sent me a huge parcel full of food last week, as she does sometimes. These are great little things from home in Germany, and they make me happy and I love the fact that she thinks of me when she does it.

Or does she! This one contained a pack of sausage and a pack of ham. Not too bad I thought at first, I can give it to the carnivore boyfriend. But then it goes on...some cuppasoup. I wanted to make one on Sunday night and it was ready and lovely in a mug in front of me when I double checked the label just to find it's got a load of chicken in it. And the other soup she sent? Well that was chicken flavour anyway.

This afternoon I had some cream cheese she sent me. I thought it was great that she was taking my diet into account at least a little bit and sending me fat reduced food. Then it dawned on me........Gelatine! I had to throw the damn thing away!

How respected and cared for am I really supposed to feel when she sends me a parcel of food and then I can't eat half of it? All my joy about it has been completely destroyed now, that's for sure. I feel pretty hurt to be honest. My mother clearly just walked through the shop and picked up things that she thought would fit her lifestyle without taking into account the fact that I'm a vegetarian (probably because she finds it silly).

Please understand that I love my mum very much. She's a great person and the best mother in the world to me. This isn't rage against her or anything, but I really wish that she could understand that these choices I make are serious, and not some teenage mood. It's been a few years and yes, I have become stricter about things like rennet and gelatine because I've learnt more. This has lead to me being regarded as a crazy woman at home. i don't understand! Tomorrow I'll probably find that all the other food she sent was meant for my boyfriend as well. Might as well not care about the fat daughter. Bah. I feel grumpy now.

Yeah, I know how that feels. I had to call my Mother out on how everytime I get sick, or get the sniffles or feel tired it is because I have decided to become vegan. She's vegetarian and says "I understand why you are Vegan" but how come she is always the first one to say "I know why you want to be Vegan but..." or my favorite "I am not trying to tell you to not be Vegan but.... " when well she really is. It's tough when figures we've always lived in respect of can't turn around and respect our decisions. It's also hard when its our parents, especially our Mothers. They've nurtured us, loved us, made us laugh. Just realize this has probably nothing to do with you, its not a comment on her lack of caring, she loves you, you know that. But it could just be a subconscious fear, or heaven forbid the passive agressive, way of expressing the fact she's realized that you've become an adult, taking control of your life, your health and she basically has no more affect on you, in that way. (Sorry, its the Freud Paper coming out of me, dont take this as anything more than an assumption lol)

I'm sorry your grumpy, but the animals love you for it :)

Moms like to nurture, and sometimes, they have a hard way of learning a new way of doing so. The sausage and ham.... yeah, she knows you can't have them, but couldn't imagine not sending them. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts, though, that it didn't even occur to her to check the labels for chicken stock, and she probably doesn't even know about rennet and gelatin.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts. Moms don't always know the ways they hurt their children.

"Moms like to nurture, and sometimes, they have a hard way of learning a new way of doing so. The sausage and ham.... yeah, she knows you can't have them, but couldn't imagine not sending them. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts, though, that it didn't even occur to her to check the labels for chicken stock, and she probably doesn't even know about rennet and gelatin.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts. Moms don't always know the ways they hurt their children"

agreed! it is a shame though, I hope she comes around and sees what she's doing.

Take care

 I dont know your mother, but taking a mothers point of view..... when I send my son care packages.... I tend to pick up things he used to eat, when he lived it home...  and after 7 years of not living at home and only coming home once or twice a year.. ...his tastes have totally changed... but I normally get half the things right! He used to love sour candy.... now he hates it... I still end up sending him at least one package of some kind of sour candy... cause I see it in the store.. and remember him eating tons of it...   Its a habit for mothers... to remember things that used to make our children happy , part of our job... it takes time for us to start remembering things that dont effect our everyday lifes... call it old age.. stuck in a rut, or what ever you want to call it...  I honesty would have never known that there was gelatin in cream cheese.  That would have never crossed my mind. I think of it as a dairy product.  She will accept your changes, over time...  all mothers do.. out of love for our children.  Be thankful you  have a mother that does care enough to send the package, you know she still thinks about you and loves you!

Aw thanks guys, especially dshep. You are probably right. In my rational mind I know that this is one of the sweetest gestures ever and it makes me unbelievably happy to receive the parcels. But it just dampens it when you feel like a child at Christmas only to find out that half your presents aren't for you! I don't want to ring her and say "look, I can throw away half of what you sent me" because that's not a way of dealing with this, but I do wish I could say something to her that doesn't sound like I'm unhappy with her wishing to nurture me.

You can tell how much food is put on an equal level with love in our family (my gran doesn't like eating what my mum cooks, my mum sends me care parcels, when I was a teenager I'd eat because I felt unloved, all these things) and there is no way I'd refuse what she sends me. But still, she knows about gelatine, she knows about rennet. And she certainly can tell that a cup soup that is chicken flavoured won't be any good for a vegetarian daughter.

I think this comes in with this mindset: When I was in Germany with my boyfriend over Christmas, he happily tucked into all the meat and sausages in the world. He loved it! My family took his appetite as a signal that my vegetarian diet means he isn't getting nurtured properly. Suppose I should be happy that they accept him as a family member and now try to care for him too, but it would still be nice if my mum could show me a sign that avoiding gelatine is NOT a sign of madness to her. She seems to accept vegetarianism, grudgingly and all. Fair enough considering my dad works in the meat industry!

whoops...double post...

Your mom will come around in time...  and your very welcome.  

When you ring her, say " (your boyfriend name) and I really appreciated the care package, that was so sweet of you to think of both of us.  Next time would it be possible for you to send more of ------------ I loved it"... (pick something vegatarian that you could eat). Hopefully she will make a mental note of what you loved.  

Just so you know... I have issuses with my mother, big time... and I am sure my kids have issuses with me...  its a part of life...

Good Luck..

She probably just didn't think of it. If you're not living at home, your new habits aren't part of her day-to-day life, so she probably just forgot not to send meat products. I'm sure it doesn't meant that she's not supportive of your lifestyle, just that it's really easy for ALL of us to forget the details of other people's lives when they're not part of our own on an intimate, daily basis.

Or maybe what she sent was partly for your boyfriend, too--maybe she packed some meat things in there for him?

I can almost guarantee you that (unless your mother is a horrible witch) it was just inattention, not malice. Whenever we send a gift, we do the best we can to please the recipient, but unfortunately none of us can get it right all the time. My dad sent me sausage when I was living in a dorm. He knows I don't eat meat. He's also forgetful and loves sausage. He figued that, since dorm food was awful, he'd send me something tasty, and to him tasty = meat, so he sent it. He doesn't disapprove of my vegetarianism, he doesn't think it's silly, he doesn't refuse to support me, he just forgot that I haven't eaten meat for the past year, because I've been away and it hasn't necessitated any changes in his day-to-day habits. That's all. Don't worry.