Husband doesn't want me to lose weight

Though my husband won't admit it, he really doesn't want me to lose weight. I am only 5'3 and topped out the scales at over 150 before I began losing; I lost 5 pounds over the last month. Unfortunately., I am not only too heavy but also strangely porportioned; I put on a lot of belly fat during my second pregnancy and never stopped looking just a bit pregnant.

My husband is very negative about my weight loss. It's not because he finds me attractive at this weight--he's made it clear that he does not. But HE is a little overweight, and doesn't want me losing weight because he doesn't want to. Also, I think he is a bit jealous, and would prefer to have an overweight wife than a wife who is attractive to other men.

Finally, and worse, I think that enjoys looking down on me a little bit and prefers me a bit dumpy so he can scoff at me for it.

So he's started buying a lot of candy and chips and leaving them lying around, making light of the weight loss I have already had ("5 pounds isn't really very much"), saying that women who count calories are "boring", and then, worst of all, he will make a big deal out of cooking a dinner for me, and will cook something crazy high in calories, like sausage in cream sauce over white pasta (that's what he made me for a Mother's Day dinner)/

I know, I know, clearly there are problems in my marriage, I am well aware. I was just wondering if anyone else had sabotaging husband, and how you have coped with it. I am mostly just ignored him, and told him that if he buys fatty snack foods he needs to keep them in his den where I can't see them. The hardest thing to deal with is the meals he cooks.

Anybody have similar experiences or advice?

I can't say that I have the same problem, but my husband does like to tease me for counting calories.  He doesn't get the point.  He has been gaining while I have been losing.

What would you husband do if you started to throw away the high calorie snacks that he leaves out to tempt you?  I think it would be empowering for you and maybe get the point across to him.

My BF doesn't intentionally sabotage me (I don't think he does anyway) but his eating habits and what he cooks are clearly not on the menu for me.  What makes it really hard is that having him cook a meal for me is very sweet.  He's a great cook.  What I try to do is eat only a portion of what he cooks (usually 1/3) and then save the rest for other meals.  I make a big deal about how delicious it will be for lunch tomorrow.  For instance, my favorite meal is chicken parmasean and he makes these huge portions.  I usually get three meals out of it. 

I think the most important thing for anyone in a relationship who has weight issues and is not getting the support from the s/o is that eating habits need to  be formed individually. You need to make sure your fridge is stocked with healthy snacks for you. 

You probably don't eat three meals together anyway, right? It seems that dinner is the issue.  Maybe you could alternate nights cooking--make his portions a bit bigger if need be so he doesn't feel like just because you are on a diet he has to be as well.   

I know that no relationship is perfect, but I have been in manipulating relationships before and what I've learned is that if you love them and their are issues you can work on, you guys can overcome this with respecting yourselves. When he brings in that junk, go throw it in his car and say "if you're okay with thses foods I support you, but not in our house, because I hope you support me too".

My father wanted my mom to stay fat so he could get away with treating her like **** and her not being able to "do better".  He is an insecure bastard and if you to have any kids together, take it from me...we notice these games and it's not healthy for us or you.  Please don't get mad at me, but beffore things get worse, I would nip it in the butt and go talk to someone, like a mediator or couples therapist and figure out why he is so insecure?  Maybe he doesn't get enough attention from you? Maybe he thinks you're going to leave him and "do better"?  I don't know...but you guys should talk. There's always something else there, likke you mentioned. When you guys figure out how to communicate what's important to you, maybe he'll stop sabataging your diet.

I think this is a great advice. You can't leave things how they are. There are for sure some deeper issues for him. I hope you get through this.

Most importantly.. If you want to loose weight I think it is great! Not just to look good, but to be healthy! I wish you the best!

I know totally how u feel my post.........

http://caloriecount.about.com/calls-dumpy-n-c hunky-ft136410-6#120

this post got way way more response than i thought and although not married etc i can totally n utterly 100% relate to what ur sayin, there are many many other issues with my relationship but in response to ur topic.....im called names when im big n im called names when i diet.  This was the final decider for me, i thought if ur gonna sit there n make me unhappy either way then im gonna cut u out the equation n do the one that pleases me.

So i got serious about my weight loss! Im gonna have him tryin to put me down n scoff either way why not just let him get on with it!

He can call me boring and selfish....that REALLY infuriates me, picky n wingy n awkward etc etc im no longer listening.

Now hes tryin on n off with food, if ur husband is similar to my other half its insecurities.  i explained that i am serious and will do it with or without his nastiness/support. basically either way i was gonna lose the weight n he cud decide to put me down n try n sabotage me or to support and help.

he still tries with the takeaways n the beer n offerin to take me here n there but when i refused a few times n gt myself an alternative...eg he went to Mcdonalds n i went accross the road and got a salad bowl, he ordered a pizza i had nothin....we'd already eaten, sometimes he can be greedy lol.  He's stopped really now n has just kinda got used to our meals bein a bit seperate now. We used to eat identical and i presume u do to when u cook the tea, now not so much.

Honestly if ur serious stick with it, hammer it out, learn to shut out the comments n remind urself how fantastic YOU are gonna feel about YOU when uve done it.  Stand up for yourself.  Explain to him that u dont want the meals to be too fatty etc n if he still contnues to cook them that way then its gonna have to be the 'cruel to be kind' method. simple dont eat it n make ur own tea anyway, im sure he wont want u wastin the food eveyrtime, or just halve or quarter the portion and add a loada veg or salad to it, fridge the rest n say thanks very much with a big smile once ur done!

I hope you get throuhg it, if u wanna do it enuf for yourself then keep strong, battle him, ignore the comments and just thunder on ahead, if he's like most he'l get the hint n bck off.

Of course along the way u may need to reassure him that ur not gonna stray, that its him u love blah blah...not sayin u will just talkin from my experience my bf is VERY insecure n seems to think wen im thin im gonna run off with any man that i come into contact with, lol. theyre so silly.  hes startin to see that im doin it for me, to make myself happy not to be a 'slut' n not so that 'all the men will want me' simply becuase im happier a few pounds lighter. GRRR MEN  eh

so so sorry if this post is not at all relative n if ive banged on about nothin that relates to u but hopefully it does??? eek

xx

with all due respect, sounds like your hubby is insecure. Remember that you are doing this for YOU. You are going on this path because YOU want to change how You are. He's not going to be able to help you in any way, other than encourage...and if he's not doing that, you are still not on your own (you have all of us here). 

Take control of the dinners....YOU cook, it will benefit both of you (and your children if you have any), don't allow him to cook.  As far as the candy and chips, lay them on his pillow or his side of the bed. Let him know that if he wants to play those games, it will be him that will be losing. I'm sure he will eat them all and start feeling bad about himself and eventually jump on ship. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that you are doing the right thing. You don't need his support, you have a great board here with more than enough people that can support you. Make him be the one that bends to you.....and in the end it will benefit both of you greater than you can imagine.

I honestly prefer men who are bastards to your face than these snivelling insecure ones.

Bah, I wish I had some good advice to you. I rule our kitchen at home, so everything that gets cooked is healthy, and if my boyfriend wants to cook me an unhealthy treat once in a while that's fine. He is also a little overweight (though I am not anymore) so he views all my hard work in learning to cook superhealthy as a bonus for him. If your husband is unhappy with his looks, could you approach it from that angle?

The portion thing is a good idea, I always make sure I have loads of veg/salad in at all times, and carefully take a BIT of anything calorific and fill up my plate with salady bits. The boy can then have twice as much as me, or bread&butter, or whatever. This does take some willpower, but once you have it on your plate it fills you up by volume anyway.

I also ask him not to bring junk home, he does eat worse than me, he tends to eat the bad stuff in his office though. Again even if he does bring stuff home having good food around makes it ok to eat that instead. Particularly if it's really TASTY good food! No one could be expected to turn down junk for nothing, but I swear a lot of people could for a lovely healthy homecooked curry or something.

Anyway, good luck.

Your husband is a selfish butthole. You need to sit down and have a talk with him and set him straight.

My husband is overweight and I'd kick him in the sack for that! I wish mine was more supportive, but the worst I get is complete ambivelance regarding my fitness goals.

I am sorry for your marital problems and it does sound like you are well aware of the issues at hand. 

That said, do this for you and screw everyone else.

I agree with Spirochete about setting him straight but I would do it just once.  After that, I would make my goals private and use his negativity as fuel.   Personally, were I in your situation, I would go to my grave before eating his snacks or letting him derail me.

My approach probably won't do your relationship any favors but one can only tolerate shenanigans for so long.  Don't let his disrespect kill your self-respect.

Next time he says 5 pounds arent much.....tell him the 5 pounds he's gained in his midsection sure SEEMS like a lot. hahaha ok I'm done with that.

I was lucky enough that when I got serious about my weightloss goals that my guy just TOLD me what about it he didn't like.

And all it came down to was him worrying that I would get all 'hot' and he would be still...not. I've lost a lot now and I am very careful to make sure that I find him attractive, with no plans to leave, and that I am still the same person I always have been. In fact, he joined the gym w me....so he's all hot, now, too (was anyway, but you get the point ha).

Men can be very funny w their insecurities. So maybe you just need to find a way to get him involved in it....even if it is just saying "I've lost 5 lbs, feel great, let's go to teh bedroom" so he gets some positive reinforcement for it.

With that said.....insecurities are understandable....but it can manifest in mental abuse as well if not dealt with. You need to stand your ground and make sure that you are at least being RESPECTED, even if not supported. If he can't be respectful...well, that's another can o worms and only you know if that is the case.

Either way, good luck on your journey!!! I feel 1000000000000000000 times better after shedding weight!

I think you need to stand up to your husband.

He obviously doesn't respect you, and I think that is something you need to start demanding.  If he is making crazy high calories meals he is not making them for you don't confuse that act with something sweet. He is doing it for himself knowing full well that it goes against your new lifestyle.  You need to say NO you should have stood up for yourself on mother's day and let him eat alone while you made a nutritious meal for you and your children.

Even if you are "dumpy" and overweight he has absolutely NO right to scoff at you.  Even if you are 10000lbs  and haven't showered in a month negative unsupportive insulting manipulative comments should not be tolerated.  I am not sure how this trend started but you need to put an end to it.

1. For the junk food tell him he is welcome to eat junk food but it is to be stored in a certain cupboard and not left around the house to encourage bad eating habits in you and your children, any junk food left around the house will be thrown out.

2. Tell him you will not tolerate being disrespected.  That you are faithful to him because you love and trust him and NOT because no other man will have you, but that his negative unsupportive attitude is really destroying that trust and creating a lot of feelings of resentment. Does he want you to grow to hate him?

3. Tell him how you are doing this not just for your health but for your entire family, how women especially who store abdominal fat are at risk for all types of health problems. Does he want you to get sick and die?

If I were a woman I would never stay in that relationship...but you have and your taking a lot of abuse, which means you must love him, no matter what. 

And as a man, I admire that "for better or worse" dedication.  Thank you!  I believe in marriage and that seems to be something to many relationships can not handle..that "worse".  After two marriages I am trying a third one in 2010 and your dedication is most encouraging.  Because sometimes we men can be pretty bad...and not know it!

Keep the love going he will change.

...To that end I think you need a new approach here for him and that means give him facts about weight loss. 

Show at your height you are obese and have to show him the unhealthy aspects of that.

Then get a blood pressure monitor and take your blood pressure a lot, record this in a diary(post it on the fridge), eat something he buys you..take your BP before and after.  You will see yourself, how quickly the heart responds.

Go ahead and lose your weight then again show him your BP improvement.  You are then not losing the weight to be sexy or attractive to other men...your doing it to stay healthy so you can be with him for many years to come.

Some of us men respond to this visual evidence of proof you actually know what your doing.

Give us the facts..and you can then argue, "I am not getting heart disease because I have this weight, so I am going to lose it because the BP shows it!" 

...once he sees this he can accept it. 

Later...start checking his BP once he sees your improvement.  He may get the hint too! 

I do not think you will not get any more hassle on your desired weight loss objective.

Hang in there, give this a shot..because you love him and I am sure he loves you.

Just keep eating healthy and counting calories despite what he thinks. Just think, in another month it will be 10lbs which is definately significant. Plus, the more you resist the foods he leaves laying around, the easier it will get :)

Original Post by mperic81:

I know that no relationship is perfect, but I have been in manipulating relationships before and what I've learned is that if you love them and their are issues you can work on, you guys can overcome this with respecting yourselves. When he brings in that junk, go throw it in his car and say "if you're okay with thses foods I support you, but not in our house, because I hope you support me too".

My father wanted my mom to stay fat so he could get away with treating her like **** and her not being able to "do better".  He is an insecure bastard and if you to have any kids together, take it from me...we notice these games and it's not healthy for us or you.  Please don't get mad at me, but beffore things get worse, I would nip it in the butt and go talk to someone, like a mediator or couples therapist and figure out why he is so insecure?  Maybe he doesn't get enough attention from you? Maybe he thinks you're going to leave him and "do better"?  I don't know...but you guys should talk. There's always something else there, likke you mentioned. When you guys figure out how to communicate what's important to you, maybe he'll stop sabataging your diet.

I completely agree and ditto ditto ditto! sounds like he's insecure and manipulating because of his short comings, couples therepy or a mediator may be needed, congrats on posting this, first sign is recognition! good luck girl and I was 5'3 156 now 139, and I felt grosse all the time, still have 15 to go to be in my 'healthy' ideal weight range for my size.. plus you need to tell him that with our height, that weight puts people like us at risk for heart disease, diabeties, etc., NOT healthy, keep doing what your doing and focus on you, and your healthy lifestyle changes. The weight will come off, with both inner and outer life changes....xo

I recently turned 39 and it was a wake-up call for me. I'm only a year away from 40 and my metabolism is only getting slower. My dh already has high blood pressure, how long until I do? I've only been overweight 10 years. When does it take it's toll? So, I started a diet.

My dh was sabotaging me left and right, especially offering me bites of his calorie-ridden food, sweetly.He's passive-aggressive. He even outright told me he was worried I'd find someone new. At least he's honest.

I told him the facts: We have a son with special needs. What will happen to him if I die too soon? I feel it's my responsibilty to keep up my health for him. I don't expect to outlive my son(he has autism), but I'd want to be sure my other kids had a chance at a normal life before he became their responsibility.

He stopped sabotaging me and has since started dieting wih me. Yayyyy!

BTW, we've been married 18 years in June. He's always been insecure, doesn't make him bad, just, well, insecure. Maybe your hubby would be satisfied with the straight-dope answer for why you're losing weight so he doesn't have to play it up in his mind.

Good luck!

I am sorry you are going through what you are and I can totally relate, my husband is the same.  He has even resorted to the mind game of crying and saying I don't spend time with him.

I finally decided that life is what you make it, good, bad or indifferent and I want GREAT!  I cut down my work-outs to three times a week instead of 6 and I will always count calories and when I talk about it he rolls his eyes or makes some snarky comment but bottom line is I have tried to include him, I have made more time for him and I refuse to give up on myself.

I deserve the weight I have lost and I deserve the new clothes I can wear now and he can either smile and enjoy or get to the back of the line because I feel great and I hope the very best for you!!!

You deserve great health and getting slim and no one should minimize that for you and WHOO HOO on the 5lbs!!!!!!!!!!

Good for you and your weight Loss, You should print out all these responses and show your husband.

My wife and I are trying to loose weight, I loose it faster than she does and she get's mad.

I also think that she is insecure and does not want me to thin out before she does.

You know like the sitcom's .. Hot Wife, fat husband..Why is it acceptable for the Husband to be overweight but not the wife???

Loose the weight for yourself and it will stay off.

Hey if it does not work out you just lost another 200 lbs!

But try to involve him in your loss, work out together maybe he wont be so insecure?

thanks!

Exchange about breakfast with my bf:

"Lets get bagels with cream cheese and smoothies for breakfast"

"But I want some fruit or some egg whites or protein..."

"Egg and cheese bagel sandwiches! They are really good with  extra cheese!"

ARGH! I don't want a bagel! I don't want cheese! I don't want cream! I had a bagel that morning and still feel kinda guilty about it. My bf is overweight and won't admit it. He doesn't consciously try to sabotage me, but sometimes conversations like the one above really get to me. I've come to conclusion ever since I had that bagel, that no one, and I mean NO ONE, can tell me what I should eat and how I should eat it. If I don't want a f*****g bagel I won't have one. He can have his bagel and then carry it around his waist from now till forever.

Stand up for yourself. It feels good. It makes you feel more justified about what you're doing.