My husband...

Okkk so I have been cleaning this morning and finding little things that are pissing me off slowly but surely that he has done 'in the kindness of his heart' and I'm sure I'll find more, sigh. 

So.. this started on Thursday night.  My husband brought home a cold and got our three kids sick (ages 6, 4, 6mo).  He is in the army and has to wake up at 5am during the week so I stayed up all night with screaming crying coughing fevery baby, which was fine.  Well, when he got home from work Friday evening 'he was too tired' to help me with the sick kids after I had only slept for maybe 3 hours total ( about 1 during the night and my daughter took a 2 hour nap that morning ).  So he takes his uniform off right there in the living room and dumps his stinky socks, boots, and sweaty clothes right by the couch for me to pick up.  (I honestly have only asked him to set them on the stairs so it's out of the baby's reach and crawl space, which is about 10 feet from where he took them off).  Ok, so THEN, Friday night rolls around, I am tired as hell x2.  He tells me he will wake up with Hayley, make food for the kids and let me sleep in (other than to wake me to feed the baby).  So 7am rolls around... He won't budge.  I get up, take care of the kids... make HIM food, make THEM food, He sleeps in until about 8-8:30.  Well baby takes a nap around 10am, so I sleep too.  At about 1 he wakes me up to tell me she is awake and he is taking care of her - clearly I needed to know.  About 10 minutes later, I am taking care of her.  He starts lunch  (yes at about 1:30pm).  I don't mind, I think it's sweet he is.  He made me an egg wrapup with peppers and the kids plain white rice.  He isn't the best cook, lets just leave it at that.  Supper comes around and he gets the kids some food.  My exercise time rolls around and he holds Hayley and gets her to sleep.  I walk our dog for about an hour, come home sweaty and needing a shower, but I've only eaten about 700cal and it's 10:30pm.  So I eat my supper, in the middle of it she starts crying.  He doesn't move.  I go get her, my cereal gets soggy, and he doesn't seem to care.  Ok so, not TOO horrible I suppose.   Here's the kicker!

This morning, baby and I wake up at 7am, I bring her downstairs.  She poops everywhere, pukes everywhere, and he didn't change her diaper before bed so her diaper isn't holding ANYTHING.  So there is pee, poo, and spitup.  Fun, well it's baby stuff so oh well.  I change her and realize he used all my wipes and didn't refill them (just left 1 in there for me).  So I already have her unwrapped and I RUN to grab the wipes in the kitchen, too late, she rolled over and is crawling her poopy butt around the living room.  Ok, no harm done - I get her cleaned up and start elsewhere, cleaning up the house since yesterday I didn't get around to it.  I go to take out the trash, the bag is stuffed so far down I have to reach in the bin and grab it to pull it up, he piled all kinds of stuff up on it, so things are falling off onto the floor.  There is a bloody chunk of roast that went bad in there, well... the bag is leaking blood all over and now the trash bin needs cleaned.  So I run with the bag out to the outside trash can, which has maggots in it from who knows what, YUCK.  So, holding back my puke now - I come back in.  I go to clean out the trash bin and dump the bloody stuff down the drain.  The sink is crammed full of dishes from yesterday.  I did the dishes yesterday morning when I got up so what the hell?  Ok, no problem, I will just pop this stuff in the D/W and clean this bin out.  Easier said than done, I start rinsing off dishes, to see, there is a pot with caked on rice all over it, there are also about 6 pans on the stove stacked, one of them is my pancake/egg only pan which is the only one without scratches.  I look at it, IT IS CAKED IN EGGS.  Ok, I go to clean it out, It is covered in scratches cuz he used a fork to scramble my eggs.  I'm pretty ticked at this point.  I get down to the drain, my nice beater whisks are stuck down in the garbage disposal.  I have to wonder, what next...  and does he do this on purpose or are men really this challenged?

*hands you a bottle of Calgon*

There is no way someone could do all that on purpose, I think you have yourself a domestically challenged man.

My friend has one of these..  she uses reminder notes and lists!

Talking to him about it would also be a good approach.  Perhaps he does not realise the error of his ways.

Good Luck!

I think some men are really that challenged.  They can be highly competent in their chosen field, maybe even a highly technical and challenging one, and be utterly unable to figure out where the dishtowels go.  Or even the difference between a dishtowel and a napkin.

It's hard work being a good parent and a good partner.  Sounds like you've had an exhausting last few days, hang in there.

I am a firm believe in 'pick your battles' but your husband sounds extraordinarily inconsiderate.  It sounds very much like he has been spoiled by your tolerance/ patience.   At the same time, as brought up by another poster, the consequence of his actions may not even occur to him.  You should talk to him. 

Hang in there!

(hands you chocolate, glass of wine and points you to the bubble bath)

I think some men treat their significant other in whatever manner is tolerated.  If you put up with him being inconsiderate, he will be inconsiderate.  If he gets a pat on the back for minimum effort, that's all he's going to give.  He said he would get up and didn't--yet you still made him food.  His inconsiderate behavior was rewarded.  SO...with all that being said...if you don't tell him or talk to him about it, how is he supposed to know it isn't okay with you? 

Actually, my first statement could be reversed.  Women do it too.

Good Luck!

Original Post by augustnkate:

I think some men treat their significant other in whatever manner is tolerated.  If you put up with him being inconsiderate, he will be inconsiderate.  If he gets a pat on the back for minimum effort, that's all he's going to give.  He said he would get up and didn't--yet you still made him food.  His inconsiderate behavior was rewarded.  SO...with all that being said...if you don't tell him or talk to him about it, how is he supposed to know it isn't okay with you? 

Actually, my first statement could be reversed.  Women do it too.

Good Luck!

 this ^^

Original Post by meganr:

I think some men are really that challenged.  They can be highly competent in their chosen field, maybe even a highly technical and challenging one, and be utterly unable to figure out where the dishtowels go.  Or even the difference between a dishtowel and a napkin....

I completely disagree.  Men are just as capable of housework as women are.  Some PEOPLE have less experience with it, are more lazy, or just don't care enough. It's not a gender thing. 

In this case, I would assume he is just inexperienced with it, tired from working so hard, and/or possibly still trying to get over his cold.  Poor guy is probably putting in really hard days at work, suffering through his cold, and then trying hard to help you out without realizing its doing more harm than good.

OP, It sounds like you are just stressed out and want to take it out on him...

"My husband brought home a cold and got our three kids sick (ages 6, 4, 6mo)"

It honestly sounds like you are even blaming him for the kids being sick.  Come on, you know that isn't true.

And one thing I feel like needs to be said in particular, is that he probably woke you from your 3 hour nap because you had been asleep so long and he wanted to check in on you and let you know how late it was...not simply to tell you what he was doing.  3 hours is a long nap.

The obvious thing to do is talk to him.  But, if you haven't already had this sort of discussion in the past, and you typically do all the housework, you shouldn't be surprised that he doesn't know how to. In which case, it may be time to change how he does things...simple things like taking his uniform off in the laundry room, not the living room and showing him how to cook eggs and clean up after rice.  It may take him some time to adjust, habits are hard to break but he'll get it eventually.

If you have had this talk in the past and he has shown that he in fact, does know how to do housework correctly, he needs to explain what's wrong.  He seriously may still be suffering from the cold, which can be really unpleasant and even getting up and going to work sucks.

Try to get some time to relax(maybe ask for some babysitting from family or friends for an hour or two?) and you will probably feel much better.

Thanks to both your husband and you for the service he is doing our country.

*hands you a bottle of Bourbon*

I bet his dad was like that and his mother waited on them hand and foot. 

Sorry.  No advice here.  I got myself divorced and I'm sure it was partly my nagging.  Then, learned life was much harder alone. 

 well, that's no help to you I know.

Original Post by hotfuss:

 Men are just as capable of housework as women are.  Some PEOPLE have less experience with it, are more lazy, or just don't care enough. It's not a gender thing.

Yep. Although it really does seem to be mostly the male people who have less experience, are more lazy, or just don't care.   At least in my experience it is!  Adults who expect their partners or roomates to bear the brunt of housework, meal prep, and childcare are a dime a dozen.  It can be especially difficult to settle on and maintain a fair division of labor, especially when one partner is a homemaker.  I'm home, so it makes sense for me to do most of the housework but I expect everyone, even the 3 yr. old to put dirty clothes in the hamper, scrape and rinse dishes before putting them in the sink, and to pick up after themselves.  That's just common courtesy and not being a slob.  Beyond that, to get someone (usually a male partner) to do his fair share, it helps to keep a work log.  I did this years ago when I felt my dh wasn't helping enough -- I took extremely detailed notes of what work we both did, and at what times.  When the evidence was before him, in the form of several weeks' 'activity logs' he could see that he pretty much had a long work day and most of the rest of the time free, while I worked a bit less during his work hours, but that I kept up working day and night and weekends too.  To be honest, the work sharing still isn't anything like equal, but since I've established some basic rules that make that work easier (like not leaving food on plates, dirty laundry on the floor, books and toys any old where, etc) I'm okay with logging an extra hour or so of work than he does over the week.  Keys -- you've had a rough few days of it -- I hope you can get some help so you can recuperate and then 'catch up' with everything.  Take care!

o_o It sounds like you've both probably had an equally tough week. It could be a lot worse. . .Just hang in there! In the words of my wise mother:" This too shall pass. Believe it or not ...you're gonna miss these days."

I had to double check I wasn't reading something I wrote. That's my life. At least your husband cooked you something. I can't remember the last time my husband cooked me anything.

Take a deep breath.  Everyone has been there.

It sounds like he may need some "training", but he was probably also tired, and unused to the many things that need to be done to keep the household moving.  I mean, my hubby is wonderful, but yeah, it took a little bit of, "Could you rinse the rice out of the pan when you are done because it sticks really bad once it dries - or at least fill the pan with water?" 

Of course, I've been guilty of some of the same type behaviors.  I hate dealing with the trash.  I let it pile up, then when I do change the bag, I usually just set it by the stairs to take down later - which I have a hard time remembering to do.  Sometimes two bags will pile up there (awful, I know).

And when you are tired, you are easily frustrated and it is SO easy to find things to get upset about.  My husband and I have been known to fight over who has had the most amount of sleep before.  Little kids make everything harder.

Eventually though, you will find a  time of peace, and all this will be a distant memory.  Just hold your tongue until you can speak calmly about things, and take it one thing at a time.

what if you copied and pasted what you wrote, got rid of the 1st paragraph and the last sentance, and made what's left into a letter to him, just explaining your past week.

maybe it would show him how much stuff you've been going through lately.

Thank you all for your responses.  I did talk to my husband and we worked things out (sort of).  He apologized and said that he thought I told him to not use plastic on nonstick instead of vise versa, he also put the baby to sleep for me for each of her 3 naps today - so I'm pretty happy about that!!  In fact he is holding her right now so I can relax a little.  I know that tomorrow is a new day, and now that everyone is getting over their colds - hopefully a better one!  Thanks again for the replies :-)

You're more than welcome. 

I'm glad that you two talked about it. :)

I hope everyone is well again very soon.

I just watched an episode of Mad Men. I think I just lost all faith in relationships and marriage.

At least your husband loves you _

you have to realise guys dont think the same way women do when it comes to the cleaning and such...(so on that part you may be overreacting a bit) the fact he put the baby to bed without changing her diaper first is about as lazy and selfish as it gets.....anyone wanna sleep all night in poo?!?!?! you have a reason to be furious about that.....

You guys are very young with three young children very close in age. When one of you gets sick, you all will. This pattern will repeat for the next 18 years or so, best figure out now how to organize things so you can cope.

I would highly recommend you look around for some self-help tips in organization & house keeping. With the family you have started, if you don't get a handle on the house, it will be miserable for all of you.

Since you don't work, and he does, try to think of the house as your job - unpleasant, certainly but neccessary. I don't mean you need to wait on him hand and foot, but sometimes you just gotta do what needs doing for the health and comfort of the family.

It is so easy for young couples to get wrapped up in the day to day stuff that they forget to appreciate one another. It sounds like he was doing his best, while dealing with his own cold. Let that inspire you to express appreciation rather than resentment.

Good luck, child. Remember that women have been doing this for a few thousand millenia, you can too. And if you can do it with dignity and good grace, all the better.