Husband and kids first

I read so many messages from women who say that their partner doesn't like this or that, or their kids won't eat such and such. All the foods that the caring woman wants to give they ignore. All the foods that are healthy and will keep her at a decent weight so that she feels good about herself. 

Consciously or not this is one way for men to keep their women under their thumb and makes you grateful that they're still with you even though you are fat and horrible. It's a form of mental abuse. Young kids don't know any better, but they must have got away with it, or are learning from their father. And our  boy children we hope go to marry some lovely woman and they'll do  the same to them that your partner is doing to you.

Well, why can't you women stand up and say 'If you don't like what I cook, do it yourself.' Or 'When you do the cooking, you can choose the meals.' Or just cook two different meals. Yeah its twice as much work but cooking the rubbish the others eat doesn't take that long, does it? Anyway, cooking a separate meal for yourself shows that you value yourself; that you care about you.  If they complain or act injured, ah poor lambs, smile sweetly and continue with it.

Women are their own worst enemies. Check out the messages and see for yourself.

And I know there are men out there who are fat because their wves make them eat the stuff they shouldn't. So, learn to cook for yourself.

I agree, lemon_orchid, that it would be much easier and more sustainable if the entire family embarked on a healthier lifestyle, instead of just the chubby wife, on her own - but that's a common circumstance.

I also believe that husbands, wives, lovers, friends must make their own decisions about what kinds of foods they are willing to eat.  I don't expect my spouse to eat my menu just because I have decided to change my life.  He is an adult who has the capability and the right to make his own decisions.  I have certainly been bullied or cajoled into weight loss plans before, and doing it because someone else wants me to NEVER WORKS. 

Children are a more complex and puzzling matter for me - I have trouble understanding how food can be too unhealthy for me to eat but perfectly okay for my growing children to eat.  Just because they are slender now?  Is it only about weight loss, or is it learning how to enjoy healthy choices?  Isn't that what we want to teach our children?

However, my child is grown and when she was young I was eating far more crap than I allowed her to eat, and modeled perfectly ugly lifestyle habits.  So I'm no one to tell other people how to run their households. 

I also admire people who are on a healthy weight loss program yet still have many trigger foods around them, some of which they are actually preparing and serving to others.  That's a like a bartender getting sober and demonstrates a level of commitment and discipline above and beyond what I have needed to develop!

We all have to find our own way, and what I love about CC is that it encourages and supports all of us as we discover what that path is.  My challenges and strengths are my own  Others have learned or will learn how to overcome their particular challenges with their particular strengths. 

My message:  Listen and learn from others, and make your own decisions for yourself.  Don't let anyone shame or blame you into giving up!  Do what you can, make changes where you can.  You're right, lemon_orchid, we are all, men and women alike, our own worst enemy when it comes to food and weight.  We must also be our own best friend if we are to get out of the cycle of self-abuse.

You are very wise.  I love your messages. 

Very true lemon_orchid & mad4moon.

Once you are old enough that your parents can't make you "clean your plate" you make your own choices. Nobody should have the power to make you eat anything. You can choose to acquiesce or choose to eat the way you know is best for you. Unfortunately it seems that many people give away the power to choose because when they do so they also give away the responsibility and accountability that goes along with it.

In our house, there are things at dinner I don't eat yet, are there because I'm not usually the only one at the table. I could eat it all. And sometimes I do. But nobody makes me.

The person that picks up the fork is me.

Sometimes I eat something that my husband will make fun of. I eat "burger" and "chicken" patties when others eat the "real" stuff - at first because they are low cal but later because I somehow or another developed a taste for the fake little buggers. So usually I just beat him to the punch line and refer to food such as this with exaggerated verbal and physical quotation marks and then laugh about it.

He's losing weight too, but I'm losing much faster and my blood work is awesome.

While he has not yet and may never eat a "burger" he is starting to make some better choices. I'll wear him down yet with my impish smile, superior weight loss, and fab blood work ups.

lemon_orchid,

My wife and I married in our early 20's in the mid-1970's (yeaaay Disco) and were together for about 23 years total. She and I both loved food. We'd both been raised in the South and just naturally ate what was given us because we were both taught to not waste food.

When I was growing up, and being on a very tight budget, my mother, who was single most of the time and raising two boys didn't give us options. The meals were balanced (or what they considered balanced at the time).  If we were hungry, we ate what was on our plates.. period. 

I lived with my dad for a short period of time. He was a Sergent in the Air Force and had married a woman who had 2 daughters and then a son.  When my brother and I went to stay with my Dad, food was limited. When there were 7 mouths to feed, if you didn't like what was put in front of you, you went hungry.

There were no lectures about good diet planning or portion control (although in a house with very tight budgets the portion control part wasn't usually a problem). There were vague industry warnings about the dangers of high fat,  high cholesterol, but nothing tangible enough to really scare anyone or to make a difference.  Besides, the food industry was just waiting to sell us Cheeto's, KFC, Coca-Cola, and hundreds of other high fat, high sugar, high everything (except nutrition) foods that people would become used (addicted?) to. 

Women and men weren't taught,  either at home, or at school about diet and nutrition. At school you were taught about sports and team work but not about exercise.  Besides, when you're in your teens, 20's and early 30's who cared?   It was, what it was.  

My wife and I were both in healthcare. She was an RN and I was an EMT and LPN.  When it came to food neither one of us had a clue about nutrition, nor cared.   Because of our schedules we ate out frequently or ate out of the frozen food section of the grocery store.  When our daughter was born in 1978 we didn't think, okay, we're going to feed her only nutritious foods... nope, we fed her what we ate. We survived our 20's, then in our mid-30's we noticed we were putting on a bit of weight... and neither of us had the know-how, skills, or mindset to try to do anything about it.  Back then dieting meant starving yourself and exercise meant pushing yourself to the limit until you were too exhausted to move (neither of which was very effective). So, because we were pretty much oblivious to what we should have been doing, we continued to support each others bad habits. 

I learned a word much later but "enabling" is what we were really doing to each other. It can help to keep the peace but isn't always the best thing for either person.  I made one major attempt to lose weight when I was 38 and I lost about 75 lbs and felt really good.  I happened to be watching a PBS show and they had a speaker by the name of Covert Bailey who was the author of a book called "Fit or Fat". It was the first time in my life I heard stuff about diet and exercise and how the body burns calories that made sense, that I could apply, and that worked. (The one thing that stuck with me for all of these years from that show was, when asked what the best exercise was for losing weight, Covert's response was, "Whatever exercise you're willing to do")

But, life goes on, and no matter how excited I got about the weight I lost, my wife couldn't/wouldn't lose weight and became more and more frustrated and depressed.  At age 41, about a year later, my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer and after a 5 year battle with it she died at age 46. 

You're right, people have to take responsibility for their own actions. But I realize and believe that sometimes, what people don't know, and don't understand, can hurt them. I think that's been true of the last couple of generations when it comes to diet and exercise and people taking care of themselves. 

I also agree with you in part. I don't think it's just women who are their own worst enemies, I think people in general can be their own worst enemies. People (men and women) want what feels good, tastes good, and looks good at the moment.  It's a fact of life and one we all fight internally everyday.  But, in many cases people, especially those in their 40's, 50's, and 60's, are still learning that they have to change very old and very ingrained habits and beliefs about food and their bodies in order to lose weight and get healthy.

It can only be done a bite at a time.. a step at a time.. and it's an uphill battle.. but it's possible.

Congratulations on being one of those who recognizes it's a battle and is taking up the fight.

Thanks for taking the time to share your story, billo255.  It touched my heart, and gave me a lot to think about.

And I LOVE:  "Whatever exercise you're willing to do" !!!  I so agree with that. 

I think when we start to do the right thing with food and exercise, we remind others of their own guilt.  If we succee, then their only excuse is themselves and that's not acceptable.  So they try to keep us "in our place".  I also think most of this sabotage on their part is unconcscious.  

My daugher who is "trying" to loose, too, came home the other morning from work with a dozen donuts and then set about frying up bacon and eggs.  Fortunately I was in the middle of my Wii Fit routine and didn't stop.  By the time I got done, she and the donuts were out the door to visit someone.  It's a good thing... I don't know if I could have resisted both donuts and bacon!!!

LOved you pen name   because I'm mad!!!!!!!!I worked a long day...my husband stayed home .. he's currently unemployed, as are millions of other people.

  He was LOADED and playing his guitar really loud. It was 7 pm and not a thing was even attempted for dinner ! I was so mad I couldn't  hardly see straight.

  Usually  I would eat myself into a food coma and sooth myself with my drug of choice...food. Instead I went to Subway, bought a salad that would make me feel healthier, and decided to rant & rave on this website.

  Tonight I'm proud of myself because I didn't punish me by making an easier choice. I chose health.

Hooray for you, Sheri.  I've been in your shoes and know what it took for you to step out of the moment AND choose something healthy.  It's terrific that you recognized that making the easier choice would be punishing yourself.  Great job!!

Thanks so much....Today I felt empowered!!!It's amazing how one good choice can lead to another.

  Thanks for being there and giving me a place to rant & rave & get it out of my system.

I hope you let him go hungry.

You did exactly the right thing and I'm sure it wasn't easy. He's going through a whole lot right now so it's good that you didn't go off on him but what always helps around my house is to get the food shopping done and plan out some meals for the week. My husband is happy to cook if the food's there and he doesn't have to think of something. I tell him what I had in mind and he goes from there. And he's a good cook so it's usually tastier than if I made it. Higher in cals most of the time, but tastier.