Husband Refuses Sex
I've been married for nearly 4.5months and my husband just isn't interested in having sex with me; in this time we've had sex 3 times - 2 being from my plea's! I want it so bad and I feel there should be at least something there between us. Like flirting or little kisses whenever we meet or pats on the butt... no, I just feel rejected by him and very unattractive. I feel like I have a roommate that doesn't pay rent or like I am living with a brother. He basically moved in with me and nearly 2yr passed by. I went off the pill to get pregnant but I am feeling like this isn't working out so it's a bad idea now! We use to have sex (only just enough, never lots), yes I noticed it dwindle away but I always accepted the excuses of him always being tired or busy. Now we are married and there's NOTHING going on. I don't get it.
I am sure I am not the only girl in this situation but I really feel alone because I can't tell my family or friends for his sake. Should I give my head a shack and get out before it's too late? I don't think I am demanding, I even asked for a compromise of once every 2 weeks... he didn't take it. Not sure what else to do with this situation other then the big "D". Please let me know your thoughts on this topic.
Does he have depression?
He's over weight but my doctor said that shouldn't stop him. My husband says he has trouble staying hard but he has pills (Cealus) and it's worked before so I think he's just using it as an excuse.
He's a bit moody but I don't think its depression, but I don't have that in my family so maybe I just don't know the systems.
I've asked him if he's gay and he says NO.
I told him we'd better go see a counselor because I give up but he never filled the papers out or said another word about it. So yes he'll talk but it only seems he interested in doing that when I am crying and it's always just before we go to sleep...
This is a delicate subject to comment on, as there are many reasons why things could be this way. I say you need to lay it out for him about exactly how you feel (if you haven't already done so) and if he is still not willing to talk openly then you need to decide if you can spend the rest of your life feeling like this?
Don't wait for him to fill out the papers. You fill them out and make the appointment for a counselor. If he won't go with you then go alone. Tell him you can't live without sex and you want to support him and help him and save your marriage. If he refuses to participate in counselling and continues to refuse you sex, then you need to get out of the marriage.
If he isn't willing to work on the marriage, your marriage is doomed.
I experienced a VERY similiar situation with my ex-husband. We dated for two years before getting married and even then.. the sex was few and far between and not hot at all. We really shouldn't have gotten married.. put it this way, we didn't even have sex on our wedding night... uhmm not until 2 weeks later actually! I'm not saying life revolves around getting laid, but IMO it is crucial in a relationship! You just have to have that connection.....just like you I always ended up feeling bad about myself and insecure. So when we did actually do it, it wasn't even good... seemed to forced by me.
We only stayed married about a year, sex wasn't our only incompatibility.... now that I am with someone else where there is actual passion, I couldn't be happier.
Original Post by womenofvalue:
So yes he'll talk but it only seems he interested in doing that when I am crying and it's always just before we go to sleep...
Bring it up sometime when you aren't emotional and when he's not trying to go to sleep. Have a rational conversation when you can both focus on the conversation.
Time to get a new husband....
lol only kidding. But my thoughts would be he is cheating, but that is just if it were me. Or like you i would feel unattractive too. Does he work a lot? Like a lot a lot? I would be frustrated. Usually my bf is the one that wants it more, if he didnt i'd be like what's up?
you said you went off birth control, hope you got back on...
Are you sure he's on board (really, truly, in his heart) with the whole baby-making idea? Ambivalence about the notion of parenthood is behind a lot of male reluctance to have sex with their no-longer-contracepting partners...
2 people who like eachother but dont have sex?.... that sounds like the definition of really good friends? Why stay married? (and i wouldnt bring a child into things if everything isnt ok with the relationship!!)
[quote]I experienced a VERY similiar situation with my ex-husband. We dated for two years before getting married and even then.. the sex was few and far between and not hot at all. We really shouldn't have gotten married.. put it this way, we didn't even have sex on our wedding night... uhmm not until 2 weeks later actually![/quote]
wowww.....no wonder he is your ex heh
Well I figure I am not going to get pregnant anyways so why bother with BC!
Ugh, that situation sounds horrible!
Get a divorce...
wowww.....no wonder he is your ex heh
Yeah no kidding... it's funny the excuses you will make while you are actually in the situation. One thing I am thankful for from that awful time is by the time I got some of the good good lovin' again... I appreciated it more than ever! 
I know, I am feeling like this is the end to our wonderful years I thought were ahead of us.
I know everyone is going to say "Oh they didn't even last 6 months, they didn't even try" but I am a strong women, I can handle all that kinda talk. No one knows the really reason, the inside story of no sex. What should a couple do when they split after my father paid $2,000 for the meal, his Mom paid $900 for the flower (total rip off!), my brother paid for the DJ, hall rental, don't even want to mention the cost of pictures, everyone bought new dresses and suits, etc., the cost goes on and on and on but I know I can't let that hold me back. Do I pay those people back, like my Dad??? Do we return the gifts or money people gave us.... seriously we haven't spent hardly any of the money or opened many of the gift because I was wondering if we'd have to return them..... what would the right thing to do be? I've just been hoping things would pick up... but I don't think it is going to change, why would it.
a good friend of mine went through this. they'd been married less than a year when she told me that she felt like she'd married her best friend, that they hadn't had sex in months, and that he had no interest in doing anything to fix it. she left him, and now she's head-over-heels in love with a guy she was with in high school.
I so deeply appreciate all this helpful feedback from everyone and Michellerc it's like we have the same story so thanks for sharing your experiencewith me; I was sure I wasn't the only one. I know there are guys/gals with this problem or preference but it wasn't fare to not verbally tell me, you like he could have said, "Just so you are aware we are only going to have sex once every year, if I get my way"! I strongly believe I should not stay just to avoid hurting him, his Mom and sister and all of my family. I mean it seems like there's so much more wrong and that he should really be in counselling for a lot of work on himself but he doesn't want to go and I am not going without him becauselike someone else said it take both to make it work. I have told him I am not happy and I haven't seen any changes; just the odd kiss and once in a while a little surprise like he'll pick up my favorite ice cream or some nice gesture like that. Not like coming home and sitting on the couch in your underwear with his big belly is suppose to help anything... ooopps, I guess that popped out, its a little off topic!
Ask him if you can see other people because your sexual needs are not being fulfilled.
Does he want a kid? If he doesn't, that will affect his sex drive. Tell him that you want to put off having a kid for a few more years and see if that helps.
Get his Testosterone levels checked as well. Being overweight produces more estrogen in the body, a female hormone. Also get his LDL cholesterol levels checked, impotence or erectile dysfunction can be a symptom of hardening of the arteries.
Take him to a bar in another city and get him really drunk where he can't drive, then Tell him to PUT OUT OR GET OUT!
Nagging and becoming emotional, upset, depressed all the time will destroy the sex in the relationship.
In my opinion, lack of sex usually isn't the main problem, it's a symptom of other problems. In your case, it seems like you guys have trouble communicating. It also sounds like you got married in spite of these problems--you seriously kept presents because you thought you might have to return them? It's very dangerous to enter a marriage hoping things will change or pick up or get better. Anyway, I would second the suggestion to go to counseling, either with him or by yourself.
Original Post by fortius:
Get his Testosterone levels checked as well. Being overweight produces more estrogen in the body, a female hormone. Also get his LDL cholesterol levels checked, impotence or erectile dysfunction can be a symptom of hardening of the arteries.
Wow. This whole thread is really sad. Makes me feel very thankful for the relationship I have with my wife.
I can't find any credible source that claims that "being overweight produces more estrogen in the body." I'm interested in reading a source if you have one.
Also, if OP husband is overweight, maybe he's on medication for hypertension as well? If this is the case, these drugs also tend to significantly lower libido in men.
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