Husband refuses me any sex

Hi! I am semi new ( since June) and I am going crazy about something. I am dying inside because of it. My husband of almost 15 yrs doesn't want sex. I am too fat for him ( 4 11 1/2 and now 189.5lbs... -17lbs) and while I am losing weight for a myriad of reasons it does include him. I am not an ugly girl but I want to just sit and cry- there is NO intimacy. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand my need and makes me feel like  nympho if I just even touch him. I hurt over this. I love him! We are THE best of friends yet I feel quilty over wanting intimacy! Can you guess where my self esteem is??? The toilet.

He has not touched me in almost 3 yrs!!! Before that (on my BD) he gave me what I would call "mercy sex". Nothing for *me* mind you... just the wham bam and I should just be happy. Before that one incident it had been over 18 months. In our marriage we have barely ever had sex - esp the last 10 years or so. I have 2 kids with him 7 and 8 but God must have done miracles because it was only great timing that led to those.  

I worry that he will still keep this up even if I go through the pain of losing wieght. I keep hoping it will change! I want a love life - it is not even just about sex. I want to feel loved, adored and cared for. Am I asking too much? Anyone else out there feeling fat and ugly because of this? I look at even larger girls and wonder... is she getting loved? What is wrong with me???

*** Please see my post on p.5  -  Post #100 for an update!!!! Thanks ladies (and one gentleman) for all of your input! I love this place!!!!!!!

Well.. THAT'S incredibly.. shallow.

Sounds like you probably have other issues in your marriage besides just a lack of intimacy.

I don't know that I have any good advice, or suggestion on how to handle the situation as it's clearly all sorts of unhealthy.

But, perhaps, a book suggestion for you: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. I suggest you buy this book, read it, and think. :)

If I were you, I'd try to get into some marriage counseling.

Everyone, no matter what their size, deserves to be loved.

Here are a few things to keep in mind:
Do this for you, and your health.
You can be sexy and be big. It's about attitude.
Get yourself a toy. I'm not kidding. Use it.
Love yourself. You're worth it.

i can write many nasty things about your husband right now...but i don't think it would be productive.

moving on to the postive and productive...

first off, i admire your courage to even commit these words to the screen.  this is a horrible situation and i completely understand why your self esteem is suffering.

i recommend couples counselling.  since this sounds like it's been going on for quite awhile, my guess is that a trained professional will help in ways that your voice alone might not be able to.  if your husband refuses to go, i would recommend you go to counselling on your own.

take care.

this is not about your weight.  it's not about you at all.  it sounds like he's using this as a power/control tactic. 

i, too, hesitate to give advice, but a good marriage counsellor seems in order.  don't just go with the first name in the phone book - do some research, make some calls, and pick someone who feels right. 

if your husband refuses to do this, that supports my power theory.  if that's the case, tell him you're going see the counsellor without him (chances are, he'll change his mind.  he won't like the idea of you talking to a counsellor about him, as that will threaten his sense of control).

aasil, you beat me to it ;)

what can i say, it's friday and i'm on top of my game today!  ;) (right back atcha)

There actually are some men who have a low libido, naturally.  And some men who produce too little testosterone, causing low libido (fixable).  And some who are just cruel if a woman gains weight over the years.

I agree with the advice to get counseling, with him if possible, on your own if not.

**hugs**

good luck!

So, did he stop wanting to have sex when you gained weight?

Just a suggestion of possibility that your husband may be tired from work - I mean really tired of work. I know that for one when I'm drained after work, I just want to go to bed and not do anything else.

Before you say it's because you are fat or anything self-deprecating, think of some other enviornmental causes that your husband might be going through.

-Lemon Jello

TIRED from WORK for THREE YEARS? <----------if this is an acceptable reason, he needs a new job!

I think there are deeper issues than whether he feels peppy or not.  I guess counseling, but you must be ready and able to handle the revelations.   You know how sometimes you ask someone a question and then when you get the answer you regret asking the question? Well thats how counseling would be if you're not ready/strong enough to handle it.

hey aasil - you realize you spelled "counselling" like a canuck, right?

ah man, all you crazy canadians are starting to rub off on me.  it's a good thing you are some of my favourite people here, and you humour my american spelling habits.

If it is about your weight and all else in your lives is marvelous, perhaps you will find a way through this issue, but I suspect it will not be without professional help.

I would approach the subject calmly, not with anger or accusation and be ready to walk away if he won't come to counseling with you. I know that seems harsh, but 3 years without intimacy is much, much worse.

Best of luck sweetheart, rough times ahead, but the fact that you are seeking advice, in my opinion, shows you truly want a change.

Why am I the only one that thinks this dude might be cheating on her and thats why he isnt giving her any........I dunno just a thought i guess.

Not everybody can afford to get a new job =\ and I was merely suggesting a possibility.

It could also be the monotonous cycle of life that brings boredome to your bed.. But yeah, marriage counseling won't hurt.

-Lemon Jello

angiethe1 you are not alone...that was my first thought. I just didnt want to say it.

"Refusal of affection" (or something else "of affection") is grounds for divorce in New York State.

Yes!..See, you aren't describing a typical 'slump' that marriages have...what you are experiencing calls for a real intervention-type response...

angiethe1  i agree with you on this one....

amybeth34 - I am sorry for your situation, and not to make excuses for your husband, but was he always like that? I mean, when you were dating, was he like that? The problem seems to be his, whether it is low sex drive, or whatever. Don't make it about you! You are fabulous, and I admire you for working on yourself - but you have to do it for you! There are lots of plus size people who are sexy, stylish, and fabulous! And they are not single! It is all about attitude, so just keep telling yourself that you deserve to be loved in all the right ways!