My husband just WON'T loose weight!!

Grr... it is soo frustrating!  We have been together for 5 years and when I met him he was really buff/cut worked out everyday, played basket ball just really sexy.  Hense the reason I married him.  But now after all these year we have both let ourselves go and gained weight.  I had gained about 30lbs have since lost 12 since joining CC a few months ago.  He has gained 40lbs or so. Now he has a huge stomach.  He eats what I make him for meals and is watching what he eats and drinks (ie: beer) he started running on our treadmill for 30 mins everyday and I have seen little improvement in his weight. I signed him up for my gym however he refuses to go or always has an excuse not to go. I try to tell him that he needs to do more than 30 mins (walk/run) on the threadmill to see any results.  But he just won't listen.  I am very much in love with him and bottom line want him to be healthy, however looks do matter to me that also plays into how attracted I  am to him.  Lately I just don't want to have sex with him because 1. I am mad that he looks the way he looks now and 2. makes me sad that he doesn't see it in himself either.

 How can i get him motivated without making it a fight and making him feel bad.  I feel like I have done what I can do, positive and negative renforcement, healthy meals, gym membership.... what can I do now????

I am just so emotionally drained. I am doing everything I can do to be sexier, smaller and healthier for myself and for him why can't he do the same? anyone else have this problem??

My husband and I also gain and lose weight together, when one's eating well and exercising, usually the other does so as well.  But I don't really find my husband less appealling or attractive when he gains a few pounds, and I hope he doesn't with me (he tells me he doesn't....).  I have noticed when I am feeling icky and have gained some weight that our sex life suffers, but usually more because I feel unattractive (or he feels unattractive, not so much that we find each other less attractive).

That being said, I don't really judge you because you are concerned with your husband's physical appearance, but it is possible that he is taking your 'motivation' as a slam on him and so he is doing nothing to spite you.  He may glaze over any health concerns that you have for him and only see that you are not attracted to him, you don't want to sleep with him, you are better than him because you are losing weight (etc), whether or not any or all of these things are actually true.

I would try to underplay any physical reasons behind you wanting him to lose weight and really focus on his health, keep making healthy foods, invite him to do activities with you that are physical so that you can spend quality time together when you don't feel you need to nag him about his health.  And make sure that he knows that you want to look good FOR HIM, he may also be feeling a bit insecure if you've lost weight and he hasn't.

Try and be positive, good luck!

I have the exact same problem.  I feel so terrible about feeling this way because I know that he loves me whatever weight and shape I am and for what I was before I lost weight.  He carries it all in his belly too and it really just hit last night.  He wast bent over doing something and it just hung over his pants and it is just hard because I want him to be healthy and to care just a little bit. 

I don't know what to tell you about motivating him except that it has to be his decision.  Until he decides that he wants to get healthy for himself it is just not going to happen.  All we can do is love them for the way they are.  I didn't get motivated to lose weight until it was truly for myself and because I wanted to feel better.  You know it is kind of strange seeing that men are more physical (appearance is more of an issue for them when it comes to attraction) but their own appearance doesn't seem to bother them.... at least not once they are settled and comfortable.  You just have to look beyond the physical aspect and remember what a great guy he is and how much better your life is with him in it.

I say "Lay off".

Look, you have both gained weight and you are probably not as attractive as you once were either.  

He IS making changes.   But everyone has to go at their own pace and their own reasons.

The fact that you are pushing him all the time probably makes him feel resentful and as though you are trying to take control for him.  I probably would not try so hard either.  Especially if I thought my SO was so shallow that looks are the only thing that mattered.

Back off.  He is an adult.  If you truly do want to love him as he is, show it.  Be an example but don't be a dictator. 

Original Post by safireeyz:

Grr... it is soo frustrating!  We have been together for 5 years and when I met him he was really buff/cut worked out everyday, played basket ball just really sexy.  Hense the reason I married him.  But now after all these year we have both let ourselves go and gained weight.  I had gained about 30lbs have since lost 12 since joining CC a few months ago.  He has gained 40lbs or so. Now he has a huge stomach.  He eats what I make him for meals and is watching what he eats and drinks (ie: beer) he started running on our treadmill for 30 mins everyday and I have seen little improvement in his weight. I signed him up for my gym however he refuses to go or always has an excuse not to go. I try to tell him that he needs to do more than 30 mins (walk/run) on the threadmill to see any results.  But he just won't listen.  I am very much in love with him and bottom line want him to be healthy, however looks do matter to me that also plays into how attracted I  am to him.  Lately I just don't want to have sex with him because 1. I am mad that he looks the way he looks now and 2. makes me sad that he doesn't see it in himself either.

 How can i get him motivated without making it a fight and making him feel bad.  I feel like I have done what I can do, positive and negative renforcement, healthy meals, gym membership.... what can I do now????

I am just so emotionally drained. I am doing everything I can do to be sexier, smaller and healthier for myself and for him why can't he do the same? anyone else have this problem??

 you shouldnt feel frustrated , as everyone is different, and you cant expect him to lose it just like that, by the way 30 mins is fine and much more than enough to lose weight. maybe because you are making rapid progress you feel that he should be making that progress himself. give him time, its not a race and in a way (no offence) i think you are being slightly selfish.

i agree with madamq and yaza.

i totally understand wanting your family to be healthy.  i have the same problem with my parents and their eating habits.  i worry for them.

however, im not mad at them for being fat and i definately dont do things that make them feel like crap to show them that they shouldnt be fat anymore,  ESPECIALLY considering I have a weight problem that Im trying to overcome...

I find having sex with your boyfriend ALL THE TIME is the best way to keep him trim.

+11111111111111111111

Ummm... you married this dude and promised to stay with him no matter what, right? He's making an honest effort - eating well, exercising -  and that's all you can ask. I hope you are trying to get healthy for you, not for him - does he care whether you've put on a little weight? I'm sure he loves you and supports you no matter what you look like.

You both started eating healthier and exercising only a few months ago. I think  you are being unreasonable by dictating the terms by which he must work out- at the gym, more then 30 minutes, etc. He's trying, so lay off.  "You'll get more flies with honey then vinegar" as the saying goes - being patient and supportive will get you farther then constant harping.

Look, we all change over time. My fiance and I have also been together five years, and neither one of us looks the same as when we first started going out. I cook healthier meals for us now, I work out, he bikes to work... but we'll never get our college metabolisms back. But I love him just as much as I did five years ago, and I'd rather have my honey with some cutie pudge on him then go though life without my partner and best friend.

So relax, babe. You have the love of your life - don't let something like this get between you.

Original Post by bairn:

I find having sex with your boyfriend ALL THE TIME is the best way to keep him trim.

 Just make sure he's doing the work.  Or at least half of it.  Those of you with a lazy partner like myself can relate...lol.

Frustration is understandable, but I have to agree with others that he is taking an effort by running every day on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Many women will be jealous that your husband is working out, even if it was only a few times a week. He is also following your advice with regards to food and drinking. That is above average of a regular man...

I think it is fair and good of you to tell him what you think. As long as you do it in a consistent way, and not only when it is in your own advantage. When he looks good, even with a beer belly, tell him that too.

I quote you: "Lately I just don't want to have sex with him because 1. I am mad that he looks the way he looks now and 2. makes me sad that he doesn't see it in himself either."

If this quote is really true, then you haven't dealt with bigger issues in your marriage. Yes, looks are important, but more important in a relationship is support and a person that cares about you.

Looking at you and your husband's picture under your profile from January 29th, you two are both very good looking and it would be really sad if your marriage would suffer because of a beer belly. But hey, I am guy and might be biased :-)

Mostly my problem is why can't he see that is not at a healthy weight/shape and why doesn't he care and do more about it??  If not for me than for himself.  I just don't know how to tell him that what he is doing now is great but not enough to make results, without making him sad/mad?

Original Post by safireeyz:

Mostly my problem is why can't he see that is not at a healthy weight/shape and why doesn't he care and do more about it??  If not for me than for himself.  I just don't know how to tell him that what he is doing now is great but not enough to make results, without making him sad/mad?

You can't force him to work out or lose weight. And the tactic you're taking sounds like it's turning him off and making him not want to lose weight. You said he's eating healthier and working out--so is the problem that he's not losing weight fast enough? Maybe you should introduce him to this website or see if he's interested in doing a weight-loss challenge with you (like who can lose 10 pounds first or something). Overall, you should be supportive. Instead of telling him that 30 minutes on the treadmill isn't enough, praise him for working out. Positive reinforcement will work much better than nagging.

Safireeyz, he is working out every day. That combined with a healthy diet IS enough to help him lose weight.  You both didn't gain weight overnight, and it won't disappear overnight. Please be patient. Or maybe you can get him to do cc with you, if he wants?

A thought - You mentioned in your first post that he used to play basketball - can you encourage him to get together with his buddies to play? He might enjoy a pick-up game, with exercise being the side benefit of hanging out.

Maybe you two could see a councilor, or your clergyman, or whoever, someone to help you talk this out. It sounds likes this is a very distressing issue for you, and I don't think you're going to get the answer you're seeking from a message board.

Wooo. How would you feel if you were watching what you ate, made some exercise attempts everday and had someone tell you it wasn't good enough?

I'm sorry, I know that you love your husband, but geeezzzz, he sounds like he is trying but it's just not fast enough for you.  Is he pigging out all day (not what it sounds like from your post)? Is he sitting on his ass all day (not if he's on the treadmill everyday)?

You seriously need to support him in the attempts he's already made, not knock him down for not doing what you're doing. 

If you're loving, nurturing and caring, his confidence will go up and his weight will eventually come off.  It takes much longer to drop the weight than gain it.

And don't forget, your not at your honeymoon weight either yet. Try to put yourself into his shoes. He may be a man, but it doesn't mean his feelings don't get hurt.

If none of these responses are making sense to you, maybe you married your husband for the wrong reasons? Was it his body that lead you to say "i do"?

I feel really bad for this man.

He makes an effort, and he's made to feel unattractive by you. You say you're worried about his "health" but it sounds like you'd prefer he shed weight SUPER rapidly (which is NOT healthy for a barely over-weight guy).

If I had a partner who harbored thoughts like this about me, I would be gone in a heartbeat.

I would try and adjust YOUR attitude towards him intead of trying to change HIM, or you might lose him.

EDIT: I had a look at your pictures, and even in the honeymoon photo, your arms are twice the size of his arms. I'm assuming he never made you feel bad about that. You're lucky he's apparently not shallow, because as beautiful as you are, you are being awfully hypocritical.

And, yes, my comments on your appearance may seem hurtful (see? Not nice), I swear I don't mean to be inflammatory. You are both attractive people. I'm just making an observation that nobody is perfect, and I hope you come to terms with that.

haha i know how you fell !my husband never workout before,but he was never fat(just me)and we kinda lost the spark,then one  night we Saw an add for p90x,and we got it,it has been the best thing that has ever happened to us,we started doing it the same  day we got it,we  just started the first recovery week, or the last week of fase one,and his arms and abs are looking pretty good,me on the other hand no so much,but I'm working on it!!!we gonna look hot by the end of summer 2009.good luck to you,be patient with your hubby,buy him a p90x program he will love it!and you will too believe me.

If this post was by a man complaining about his wife he would be flamed and attacked as a shallow, heartless man who doesn't deserve to be with the woman he married ... IMO it's the same for a woman who attacks her husband this way.

You're actions/feelings are not helping him and are damaging to a person's self esteem.

I think you are being superficial.  Not everyone loses weight at the same rate and your man is actually putting in the effort to trim down.  Just b/c his body is not reacting to your standards and timetable does not justify making him feel like some undesirable failure.  Aside from pure misery, infidelity and/or mental/physical abuse, marriage is supposed to be "for better or for worse."  If the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel?

Back off, definitely. You're harping and nagging, and probably making him feel self-conscious, resentful..maybe even hurt. Men don't like their egos slammed, nor do they enjoy feeling unattractive to their wives/girlfriends.

Just keep cooking healthy things, and exercising, and asking him if he'd like to go with you for a walk or a jog, or swimming or hiking..make it special time you spend together, and try to keep it fun for him.

If there is a sport or activity you would both enjoy..sign up! do it together!

If he's miserable, he isn't going to stick with a thing, so keep it positive and take his likes, dislikes and feelings into account as you do this together.

Everyone gets up in arms about this sort of thing; on one hand, yes, it's superficial, especially on a site where people want to feel good about their bodies.

However, it would be fair to say that physical attraction does have an impact on relationships - maybe it shouldn't, but it does.  The fact is that, yes, when a spouse or significant other puts on weight, it can impact the physical side of things.  Safireeyz may sound harsh - but that's because she's being forthright here, I suspect (hope) that she's being kinder/more subtle with her husband.

That said, there are several ways to do it and be nice about it.  A trip down memory lane may help; for me, my drive comes from seeing old pictures of myself and realizing the change - and I think this is something that has driven others here as well.  If you have an old photo album around, maybe just look them over with him some time; don't even mention weight, though. 

There's the possibility that he's quite happy with his current weight; perhaps the issue is solely from your perspective.  Talking about it is important, just like with any other aspect of a relationship - it's just that this is one of those touchy subjects.

Also, keep in mind that (if he's not alright with his weight) then he might be having some emotional issues with this whole thing; if he feels you aren't physically attracted to him anymore, it's going to be hard on his self-esteem, and talking about it will be even more difficult for him. 

The fact is that he's doing 30 minutes a day, and chances are, he's doing it for you.  Maybe working out together would be good.  Have you ever considered looking into a group sport like a martial art, or even boxing?  It would be a good way for both of you to work out your frustrations with eachother, lose weight, increase your self-confidence, and overall positively impact your relationship.  It sounds odd, but a couple I know were in the same karate class as I was, and because they got to hit eachother (with padded gloves and helmets - and rules, don't forget the rules) several times a week, they were happy as clams.