Would you... (Hypothetical Relationship Question)

 Suppose you were to find the almost perfect man (guys - pretend I am speaking of the perfect female)  - he's kind, he's considerate, he's smart, he's attractive, he's engaging, he cleans up after himself, he's almost every other good thing you could hope for - he's almost perfect!  Your relationship with this man is almost ideal.   You have been with him for two years, lived with him for one year (by the way - you're both in your late 20s).  Almost everything is fabulous..

The problem: he is asexual.  He is not interested in sex in anyway shape or form.   He never has been.  You attributed his initial lack of interest to the fact that your relationship was long distance.  After you moved in together he said he needed time to 'get used to having sex regularly again.'  You on the other hand, love sex; but you have also fallen in love with him. 

For the hypothetical sake of this question assume you have tried every trick in the book to address the lack of sexual interest in the relationship and nothing has worked.  At this point even the mere mention of sex, makes him cringe because he knows he's about to hear about how you're not satisfied again.  Would you continue this relationship if you knew without a doubt that his asexuality would never change?

Now suppose you decide with stick it, and your partner gave you his blessing to pursue sexual satisfaction elsewhere.  Would you?

 

Editted to add:  Also note that you have absolutely no concerns about his committment or love for you.

For me, if the person I LOVED didn't want to have sex, I would be okay with it, but I wouldn't go outside the relationship.

This is assuming the rest of the relationship was 100% perfect, and was totally fulfilling in ever other way.

Thinking back on one of my best relationships, though, I got extreme satisfaction from our physical relationship as well as the emotional and intellectual relationship. Sex was a piece of the relationship, but if he or I were unable to ever have sex again, I would have still remained with him.

I just think going outside of the relationship, with or without permission (or blessing) is opening a door to problems that will eventually shake the foundation of this relationship.

Odd situation.  I'd probably book it but still remain close friends. 

It’s not about not having sex.  If my husband was injured and "it" didn't work anymore I wouldn't leave him.  From the way OP is making it sound he's not into that kind of thing at all.  I could be misreading but the situation seems to me that he doesn't want any kind of sexual activity.

I'm sorry, but that's a large part of any normal relationship.  Not being able to let out your Sex Goddess with the person you love would be very frustrating and I would think put a lot of strain on a relationship. And going outside the relationship to fulfill your sexual needs is going to put even more strain on an already strained relationship.

Original Post by kelleigh:

I just think going outside of the relationship, with or without permission (or blessing) is opening a door to problems that will eventually shake the foundation of this relationship.

I think it's already shaken...

If you absolutely don't want to leave the relationship, then I guess I would explore sexual gratification elsewhere...but I'd probably also keep an eye out for other potential boyfriends :/ (which maybe is one of the problems kelleigh is thinking about). Sex is the problem in a lot of relationships, and I'm not sure if this is going to 'fix' it.

I'm with Jewel. For me personally, I'd have to reconsider the relationship and would probably have to channel this one into friendship mode. Sex is just too integral to the intimacy I need, and at just a visceral physical level, it is not forfeitable.

The straying with permission idea is just asking for trouble. Yes, there are very rare instances where couples work this out in the short term, but consider how challenging it might be to keep your emotions unntangled with your side partners. Check out anthropologist Helen Fisher's Why We Love: The Nature and Chemisty of Romantic Love. She has done interesting research on the biochemistry of attraction, obsession, love and rejection. When you have sex, you are not just risking psychological attachment, but there are neurochemical considerations as well.

Good luck to you!

If you're going to stick with him, I highly suggest getting one of these.

Not work or kid appropriate

http://tinyurl.com/52t5zd

Have you gone to a doctor about this? It sounds really unusual for a guy to be uninterested in sex EVER. As in, unhealthy. I don't know. I would be seriously concerned. Maybe you know more about the causes than you have posted.

I have to say that it would be an extremely hard decision.. however, it seems like what you have is a really great friend. I don't know if I could have a lifelong relationship with someone who never wants to be intimate. Does he WANT to marry you? What exactly does he want out of the relationship? Do either of you want kids? (There are other ways besides sex...but still.)

I don't think I would be willing to "stick with it" unless he were willing to explore the reasons (whether medical or mental) why he doesn't want sex.

edit; yeah, real funny jewels...

 

Hey feanor, that particular item rocks.  If she does plan on sticking with it, she'll need something to...err uh...stick it to her, so to speak.  That was an honest and sincere product recommendation.

But I do agree it’s definitely not normal for a young man not to want sex.

Thank you all for your replies.

I know there is no physical problem as I feel the evidence each morning and we've had sex twice in the past five months. I also wondering about the psychological aspect - according to him he has never been that into sex and had an abusive childhood. He has told me that he has a hard time focusing on sex during sex because he's often thinking about other things - so I also wonder about anxiety. I've considered going to a therapist with him (haven't asked him yet, but am pretty sure he'd go), but I don't know how to find one and I'm kind of embarassed.

By the way, jewels - I got one of those about 8 months ago. I'm already bored with it =/

Maybe hes just into a different kind of sex.... maybe he is really really kinky but too shy to tell you! So he just says he doesnt like sex to avoid the real sittuation.

oooo mystery mystery

Did you get that particular make and model?  If you did and you're already bored with it, sorry.  That's about as good as they get.

Look up therapists online in your area.  If you can't find one, hit up the phone book.  No use in being embarassed talking to a therapist.  They've seen and heard it all.  Your situation is probably mundane compared to what they're used too.

Well you can go into a couple sex therapy or encourage him to go to a more private/personal type of therapy. I kind of have the feeling that it's more about him having issues than the actual sex. As to how to find a therapist..well, thank god for the internet. I just typed in "how to find a therapist" in google and it gave me a bunch of guides. ;)

had an abusive childhood.

Sounds like a huge thing to me. But like lorik said... he could just get off to things that he thinks are too "weird" for you. I've met a few guys who were into some really bizarre things... so bizarre I don't talk to them anymore. haha

One of my favorite subjects is sexuality. I read and watch science shows that talk about any aspect of human sexuality. I find the subject fascinating.

Many of you may be surprised there is a fairly good-sized group of people who consider themselves asexual. Some may have lower than normal amounts of testerone & estrogen, but many do not. Some may have childhood influences, but many do not. If you google asexuality, you can probably find a lot of information about the phenomenom. It isn't wide spread, but it isn't considered rare either.

I could not live in an asexual relationship exclusively with anyone. I have a very high sex drive and I love sex too much. If this person really was perfect in all other areas and I did fall in love with him, I might be one of the few people who would be able to have side flings to satisify my sexual needs without it wrecking the relationship. I don't know of many people I think could due to cultural and family taboos and influences.

I think it can be done, but you're going to have to be extremely honest with yourself about your needs and desires. You'd have to really do some soul searching in order to decide if this would work in the long run for you.

I often hear of people entering a relationship where they know there is a certain behavior, habit, or problem. They put on their rose-colored glasses and tell themselves it really isn't that bad. Or they convince themselves they can change their partner or that their partner will change over time because of the love they share. This never works.

wow seraphicone, tought one. sounds to me like this guy needs therapy, or at least it would be worth a try. the abusive childhood could be the root of this, and maybe therapy could help him.

he sounds like a wonderful guy, but personally, i couldn't remain in a relationship with someone who wouldn't have sex with me. it would definitely bother me that the person who was supposed to be with was ok with me pursuing satisfaction elsewhere on my own. doesn't he worry that you might fall for one of these other people?! i know sex can be just sex, but still there's always that chance.  

For me, it's important to have a sexual bond with the person I settle down with - it just feels right, especially when children are involved (though if he never has sex with you, having children at all could be tricky too).

I guess the bigger question would be - is he willing to work at changing this? Through therapy etc (it sounds like his past might have led to some serious sexual dysfunction). This might not turn out to be the case - some people just seem to be naturally asexual - but even those who are asexual are often willing to have sex for their partner's sake and for emotional bonding (they can even sometimes have  sexual pleasure, it doesn't change their utter lack of libido though). If sex makes him cringe, that makes me worry that it hurts him emotionally to do it at all.  If he is not willing to work on it, i.e. if he really thinks that he is just asexual by nature, he should probably find someone else like himself to settle down with (they are definitely out there - if I recall, most asexuals are women).

Here is a website run by and for asexuals which might help - I'm sure they have lots of experience with these issues.

EDIT: sure enough, they have a relationship FAQ.

 "...he's kind, he's considerate, he's smart, he's attractive, he's engaging, he cleans up after himself, he's almost every other good thing you could hope for - he's almost perfect! "

He's Gay!! 

Oh, tom, you might just be on to something.

It is more common to be gay and closeted than to be truly asexual. (Of course, it is also more common to be traumatized and therefore pseudoasexual than to be truly asexual.)

On the other hand, benefit of the doubt here. Presumably she's already talked to him about the possibility.

seraphicone, get thee (both of thee) to a sex therapist and don't be embarrassed. As far as sexual problems go, this is bush-league, simple stuff. The therapist will not be taken aback at all.

I was thinking the same thing Tom, it might be something worth looking into...

Thanks again for all of your replies!

First, the gay thing, I've had the same thought. I've ask him and he instantly says no. Perhaps maybe he's just so far in the closet he doesn't realize it? I'm not sure. He doesn't have the stereotypical gay guy look.

Also, before we started dating he was single for six years. During those six years he did not have sex once (or so I'm told). He had three long term girlfriends prior to their six year stretch. This six year dry spell is what convinces me he really is asexual - what "normally sexual" person would not have sex for six years IF they were not concerned about waiting for the right person (which he said he wasn't - he said he just didn't have the desire to get any)?

I think I could potentially have a sexual relationship elsewhere because I too was single for about 4 years before him and I had a few 'good' friends. It was never romantic with them, it was just fun. They are still around and willing. I just don't know if I could not feel completely guilty about it.

jewels - no, not that particular make and model (its a rabbit). but I'm mostly just bored with the lack of physical intimate contact.

Finally.. he does want to get married to me, he does want children. I've said things like 'you know if we ever want to have kids we'll actually have to have sex more often' and he'd say 'well if it's actually for a purpose i'd probably want to do it more'. I, of course, got annoyed that he doesn't see the purpose of sex now.

I can't imagine leaving him now.. I really don't want to. I think I will try the sex therapist route first. If that fails, I may as well try the friends with benefits routes. Worst case scenario, I can't handle it or he can't handle it and we break up. If I maintain status quo that is where we're headed anyway.

Thanks again for all of your insight!