Ignorance is Bliss!! I want to be ignorant!

Okay so I am really down right now and I don't need to be ITS CHRISTMAS EVE!!!! However this is my first Christmas with anorexia, this disease literally sucks the fun out of evvverryytthinggg.  On Christmas morning my mom always gets those "Cinnbaons" from the mall--(and those of you who don't know what they are....huge cinnamon rolls that taste like heaven in your mouth).....Well I just got to thinking--last year I had no idea what a calorie even was?  I mean I knew it wasn't a healthy choice, but I didn't hesitate to eat every bite and maybe someone elses leftovers.  But NOOOOO not this Christmas--I can't have one because I know the calorie content of them and I don't think its worth all the calories and fat and stuff.....

It just sucks because I always remember every year of my life being in the "Christmas spririt" all excited, making smores with family and friends,,,now wouldn't dare touch a marshmallow,or chocolate now.,,, drinking hot cocoa,singing carols, INTERACTING with people I love, and just really being in the moment and enjoying life...

Thats the thing that really pisses me off, there is NO ENJOYING ANYTHING in anorexia.....I just wish I never developed this disorder and was able to truly enjoy Christmas with my loved ones,because you never know when its your last Christmas!

I want to go back where I had no idea what a calorie was and trusted and loved every part of my body....

Anyone else have similar feelings?

At the moment and past few weeks, I have just wanted to be in my room enjoying time alone???  Also this cold weather makes me very grouchy....I just want to be a NORMAL 19 YEAR OLD!!!!! and believe me so does my family--MORE THAN ANYTHING.

Well, I have never had a real ED, but I did spend Christmas clinically depressed for like, 3 years.  I understand how horrible it is when you just want to be alone, you and your family so desperately want you to get better, but you can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.  You will get there!  In my experience, no amount of therapy or inpatient treatment helps until YOU are really ready to make a change.  It is not easy, but it does get a little bit easier every day.  One day I was just tired of destroying myself and my life, and I just said, "never again".  I know it's really hard right now, but if you can try and find a little bit of hope somewhere inside you, tell yourself that next year will be better then this past one was.  Fight to prove yourself right.  Merry Christmas.  My heart goes out to you and your family!

Ah, I know exactly what you mean. I'm also dealing with anorexia, and wish I never found out what a calorie was. A few years back during Christmas, I'd be eating any chrismas food I wanted, candy, cookies, pies, hot chocolate, whatever, and it wouldn't even occur to me that I just ate- (whatever amount of calories). Now it's like, I know everything I'm eating, and it makes it so unenjoyale, alomst unbearable for every bite, of anything I stick in my mouth.

But anyway, I deffinatly agree with wishing I was ignorant to calories, the stupid idea of a 'perfect body', and just any plans for extreme weight loss. But, this year instead of focusing on the food, I'm trying to focus more on the people. Although family can be stressful, they can be good distractors as well as friends, and hey.. boyfriends? haha, I've just been trying to find other things besides food to focus all my energy on But I hope you have a good Christmas, please try and enjoy!

If you are not ignorant, then why do you keep telling yourself that you don't deserve to live and be happy like your family and friends?

You are so beautiful and strong, you deserve so much more than what you allow yourself. I too have anorexia, but in the past 3 months of recovery, I have learned a lot. I don't think you can ever truly be rid of anorexia, but whether or not you will let it control your life determines if you come out a winner or a loser. I love how you mentioned that, we really don't know, this could be our last Christmas!

Use the other knowledge that you have learned through dieting. One free day will not affect your weight. A couple Cinnabons won't make you fat. To let myself enjoy myself, I either have to exercise that day, or pretty much turn off my brain. :) Wishing you the merriest Christmas, hun!

Hey! I'm 19 too by the way...

You're not alone in feeling this way! I feel like I could have wrote your post...it sounds EXACTLY like what I am going through right now. Eating disorders suck all the fun out of everything and make you have a miserable time at every event that involves food. I'm trying my best to enjoy Christmas and just be thankful that I'm alive. I wish I never developed an eating disorder either but we don't have to let it control our lives any longer and steal our joy and passion for holidays. I agree with muttlover, enjoy the cinnabons! You deserve something special this Christmas! Message me if you ever need someone to talk to. Merry Christmas!

Part of living is knowing when to just enjoy the moment or the food.  Your body can handle the special occasions just fine.  Knowing what is in those cinnabuns should make them that much sweeter as a treat instead of a weekly thing.

I am in recovery too and have been for 5 months...I have enjoyed this time with my family and everything that comes along with it. Just think how amazing the cinnabon would be if you allowed yourself a piece or even the whole thing....or maybe half! I have had things I never could imagine allowing myself to eat like chocolate covered pretzels and almonds, and gingerbread cake, and banana bread, and panera bread holiday bagels...drink your cocoa, be merry ....and take baby steps...but the first step is believing that you are worth recovery and that knowing you can be strong enough to get through it...you are not alone!

I completely know how you feel! All my life I have loved Christmas and have always had a childish joy of the festive season. Ever cine the age of 15 though I have been plagued with Anorexia. One year I remember barely eating Christmas day and I was thoroughly miserable. I have been feigning excitement all holiday this year. The thought of all that food tomorrow fills me with absolute terror. I want to be able to gorge myself silly on chocolate again like I used to and not worry about calories. But I know it won't happen. I am going to try but I know I will be adding up every calorie from the Chrismas dinner in my head and panicking. I know your feelings exactly, and I lived in America when I was 8-9 and I LOVED Cinnabons! I knew at the time they were fattening but I didn't know what calories were really and just ate them. I wish I could do that now. And I know I am going to get loads of chocolate and **** and I don't want to end up binging :( I wish I could just enjoy myself.

Same experience.  Going through the same exact thing.  MY grandma has brought over sooo many treats.  If you can't eat your CInnabon, it's ocmpletely understandable.  But STill try to enjoy the company of everyone around you.  And at least sip some hot cocoa?

I don't know how it is to have anorexia, but I know what it is like to worry about fat and calories. I worried about them both for years and years.. Easter of last year I started Weight Watchers and I have found it so much easier than counting the fat and calories in everything. I just count points. This year was the first in I can't even count how many years I was able to sit down with my family and enjoy myself. I even did the baking this year.... I will keep yawl in my prayers.

I don't know how it is to have anorexia, but I know what it is like to worry about fat and calories. I worried about them both for years and years.. Easter of last year I started Weight Watchers and I have found it so much easier than counting the fat and calories in everything. I just count points. This year was the first in I can't even count how many years I was able to sit down with my family and enjoy myself. I even did the baking this year.... I will keep yawl in my prayers.