I'm afraid to lose weight

Hi, I'm 18 and have been over weight my whole life. Throughout high school I weighed between 180-190. Before my senior year I lost weight and was at 150 but throughout that year I went back to about 155-157. Then once college started, I was only in class for a week before Gustav hit my area. Being trapped in a hotel room with fast food and snack caked made me go up to 162.

The first semester of college is over and stepping on the scales now I'm 147. Yep, I did the reverse of the freshmen 15. I just didn't really have the time to eat. I'm not an emotional eater and I'm not addicted to food. Most foods actually make me sick- but I've always eaten when I was bored and never liked my peers which made me alone a lot- causing lots of boredom, and conclusively over eating. I never wanted to go out to excercise because I always got honked at by cars and people look at me. My mind set is like- "Hey buddy, I'm not bugging you, stop acting like I did something to you."

My goal was always to be 135, and seeing that I lost weight without any effort makes it seem really achievable. But I think I use my weight as a comfort blanket. Now that I'm at an average weight, people still look at me.... and I still get honked at.

I've been sexually assaulted several times, and my goal in losing weight was to be more attractive to find someone to be happy with. Like my weight was really that much off putting? But I really don't want to be thin in todays world where it seems to attract so much unwanted attention towards me.

I've been making myself pretty sick this past week just trying to over eat so I won't lose weight, but I still lost 3 pounds- which is the most I've ever lsot in such a conjested amount of time.

Even though I think I'm in better shape now at 147 then I ever was at 190, I feel more at risk for being harmed. I don't know if before I thought I would sit on people making sexual advances towards me? But just weighing this much makes me nervous, so the idea of losing more seems pretty shady. And I'm also freezing all the time now. It's obviously winter, duh, but I'm having crazy bad issues keeping warm. I'm was counting calories to try to lose weight, but now that it's happening, I'm just trying to over eat to at least maintain my weight.

I don't know what to do. It seems like I would need counseling, but I don't think anyone could convince me that I can go ahead and lose weight and be safe when bad things have happened when I was overweight. Maybe being overweight made people think they could take advantage of me? And it's not just the fact that I'm a woman. I don't know. Tell me that it's safe to continue to the goal weight of 130 and I'll believe you.

You should seek some counselling.   I think what you're describing sounds like a form of depression or anxiety - certainly you sound distressed.  If you've been sexually assaulted in the past that's bound to have left you feeling frightened.  Although you seem to be blaming your size for the attacks and think that if you're thinner you're more at risk?  As women (being smaller than men) we always have to be conscious of personal safety and not deliberately put ourselves in dangerous situations but  ....  no-one has the right to assault you whatever your appearance, size, gender or for any other reason.  If they do, it's because they are a criminal.  It is not your fault.

When you're in familiar surroundings I expect you've managed to contain your fears but now that you're in a completely new environment you're struggling to settle and feel comfortable and the fears are coming to the fore.  A lot of new college students feel unnerved by the change in scene and having to fend for themselves but I think with your history you need a little extra help - especially if you're worried about being attacked and especially if it's affecting your appetite, making you sick and leaving you isolated. 

Colleges usually have excellent counselling services to help students.  Do take advantage of it.

I agree with Gi-Jane on this.. Totally 100% you need to seek some counselling. No one has the right to assault you in any way.. What so ever.. Keep up your head, and get some counselling, talk to your pastor, parents, or a dear close friend.. Just find someone who is willing to listen to you. This isn't a good way to live. Living in fear takes the joy away from you, and living in that fear takes all the power within you.  The power to get over rough times, and the power to stand tall.. Get some help. Finding a good womens support group in your town would help alot.

On your problem with staying warm. I would have my iron checked. Your iron levels could be low. Check into that with your family doctor.

Take care, Okay!

~Lynn

I'm going to reinforce what Gi-Jane and Lynnhaslost have said about seeing someone like a counsellor to help you, and i'm also coming from this on a similar level as you because I too have been sexually assaulted, i'm not going to go into detials, because i don't feel it's appropriate, but the best thing to do is to go and see someone who specalises in victims of sexual assault. you need to realise that sexual assault is about power, more then it is about lust, and that it's ok to be attractive no matter what size you are, just because people are attractive it doesnt give them the right to be sexually assaulted. You deserve to see yourself as a beautiful women, and achieve your goal weight and not let what happened to you stop this. After my experience I decided that I was not going to be a victim, and that I would prove to everyone that I could come out of the situation better then ever, it's a hard thing to do though....if you want to send a message to me about your issues then please feel free too...I still somtimes struggle with male attention directed at me, so i do understand.

Yes, you absolutely need to talk to someone about (1) the traumas that you have experienced in your life, (2) your fears regarding your weight and your image, and (2) about learning what your ideal weight and get help setting goals that are healthy and realistic. 

No one on this website will be able to "tell you that it's safe to continue to the goal weight of 130" because we don't know enough about you and we are not your doctor or counselor.