I Think I'm Developing an ED. Help?

Hey. I'm 15, and I've been overweight for as far back as I can remember. For about 3 to 4 years I've been on the border of having and ED, mainly anorexia. I always felt so helpless that even though I ate right and exercised, I never lost any weight. 

I sometimes wouldn't eat for up to a week at a time, and sometimes after I ate too much I would try to make myself throw up. This never lasted, and I would always go back to eating normally again for a while, and this meant that I never lost enough weight for my family and friends to notice and realize something was wrong.

For about 9 weeks or so, I've been committed to losing weight the "right" way. You know, smaller portions, calorie limit, exercising more often, etc. I've lost 12 pounds form when I started, and still have about 30 to 40 pounds to lose to reach my goal.

Even though I'm losing at a healthy rate, I'm still tempted to go back to starving myself, and I've even done so, but for no longer than a day at a time. I just still feel so obese and disgusting, and like there's no other options and dieting is something to be ashamed of.

I wanted to get advice from people who have had ED's, and have recovered from them successfully. If there's anything I can do or tell myself to prevent myself from developing an ED, I would really be grateful if you could tell me because I don't to do this to myself anymore, or let it get worse than it already is. I just can't seem to stop, or even stop thinking about it.

Thank you for reading what's practically my autobiography, I'm sorry it's so long, but any help or advice would be appreciated!

I've been there, sweetie, and you already know that you don't want to go there. It's a miserable existence and once you start, it's sooo difficult to stop!

I started with anorexia when I was exactly your age (I'm 29 now), and from there it spiraled into bulimia, diet pills, exercising until I passed out, laxatives, you name it. I didn't fully recover until I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, so who knows if I would still have problems had it not been for that!

The thing is, it's a very quick solution that makes you feel like you're accomplishing something almost immediately. You even feel like you're in control of the disease. But then later down the line, when you've lost a lot of weight, you're too tired to starve yourself, or throw up, or take laxatives, etc. All you wanna do is eat something and digest it healthily, but your disease won't let you not obsess about what you just put into your body. I ended up being about 30 lbs underweight and on the verge of being hospitalized before I finally took control.

The best thing to do, and something I was never able to do, is admit to someone who will help you that you have, or are developing, a problem. Don't just tell your friends. While they will most likely be a wonderful support system, they don't really have the right resources to get you some real help. Tell your parents or a teacher you trust. Someone needs to be able to monitor you and make sure that you're staying healthy. You've taken a good step in admitting it on this forum, but if you don't tell someone who knows you very well, this will spiral out of your control before you even reailze it. We can all tell you about how starving yourself can actually make you gain weight till we're blue in the face, but unless you're serious about getting help and telling those in your life that you have a problem, it's not going to do much good. It may seem scary to tell someone, but trust me, it's even scarier when you have a huge problem and are dealing with it by yourself.

I want to reiterate what krisellio has said to you, it is VITAL that you share your concerns with your parents or some other individual who you trust who has the means to help. Friends are great but can't do much when it comes to doctors and monitoring your behaviors when you're not around them.

Your parents will support you and they might be shocked at first, but they would never forgive themselves if they felt that they had become the type of parents that their child could not confide in during a time of need. They will be an asset to you in ensuring that you go about losing weight the healthy way.

Perhaps you could develop an open plan with your parents so that you can all be healthier and not just lose weight, that way everyone is working together toward a common goal which is much healthier than feeling like food and weight loss is a secretive thing. Embrace a HEALTHY lifestyle and maybe start thinking about the functionality of your body instead of what the scale says.

Try to make mini goals for yourself that reinforce how beautiful and strong your body really is, regardless of the weight. Tell yourself, I am going to walk today for 30 minutes and when you do you can say "wow, i love my body it gets me from point A to point B." or eat a healthy dinner such as brown rice, grilled vegetables, and maybe a chicken breast. Taste the flavors and feel how great it is to be healthy...really just take it all in. Don't deprive yourself and don't treat food as good or bad. 

It is hard to recognize that you might have a problem but you've come so far by being able to do that so I applaud you. It is a huge struggle to change your focus to health and being more concerned about the development of your reproductive organs, and overall growth but it is so worth it in the end. Letting food control you can really ruin your relationships and strip you of your childhood, you are young and vital...you should enjoy this time. 

If you need support feel free to contact me, but just stay mindful of the way you're feelings and thinking to prevent these urges from sneaking up on you and leading you to do things that you know are probably unhealthy.

Chrissy :)

Well firstly I think you should be congratulated for realising the spiral you could potentially go down. I second what both of the others have said. Good luck!

Sounds like EDNOS(Eating disorder not otherwise specified). I would make an appointment for a nutritionist and a counselor. You don't want it to get any worse, or it could become anorexia.

really, you sound just like i was on and off for the last 4 years.  i am currently 17, and i was the worst when i was your age.  i finally feel like i have got things under control and am losing weight slowly and healthily at the moment.

i wasn't overweight when i started starving myself.  i was completely normal, but i do ballet, and seeing myself day after day in front of a mirror in leotard and tights makes me feel insanely obese.  every time i lost weight starving myself for a week or so, i'd gain it all back after plus more.  the thinnest i got was when i ate 600 calories most days when not bingeing on the weekends for three months.  and then my mom thought i looked good and i was 15 pounds underweight which is a lot because i am just under 5'.  i have 20 pounds to lose to get to the weight i want to be now.  it is still a low weight because i am a serious ballet student and want to be taken seriously which i am currently not because of my weight.  but this time i am doing it the healthy way with support from my parents and a psychologist.

so if you need someone to talk to who understands or someone to help you stay healthy, feel free to send me a message.  i'd love to help you stay healthy and lose the weight you want to lose because i have been there.  i'm still there.  everyday is a battle not to starve myself the rest of the day when i eat a cookie or live it up and binge when i have.  i would agree you have an EDNOS as do i.  so please, send me a message.  best of luck!

-Elly