I'm disgusted with (my own) fat and obsessed with anorexics.

I swear it's not good.  My own fat repulses me, and I constanly think anorexics looks much better than I do, but I KNOW I'm wrong, I know that anorexics are sick and need help, but I can't help it. I've tried once, two years ago, to become anorexic (er, just following the methods they use to lose weight, not having it though), thank God my love of food stopped that, but I'm afraid I will try it again, I just can't stand the sight of myself.

I'm practically paranoid to the point where I have to convince myself that people don't think I'm obese and hate me and think I'm a disgusting slob.

it's really too bad that you feel that way because you're GORGEOUS. heck, i wish i had the confidence/looks to pull off red hair. not only are you not obese, you're very slim, and look Healthy! lose a couple pounds if you feel like you need to, but just so you know, you practically have my goal body. i am currently one of those people who is 'sick and need help,' and trust me, at this point even i can see that i looked MUCH better 20 lbs heavier. people do not see you and think you're obese. in fact, i'm sure if we lined up you along with people who are severely underweight, you would be considered sexier, healthier, and more vibrant/beautiful by far. so please don't beat yourself up or let this turn into something that could get out of control, because, right now, you are a stunning healthy girl. 

I don't know what to tell you.  My understanding is that anorexia nervosa is identified by a skewed body image AND an unhealthy "control" relationship with food. 

It doesn't sound as if you have an unhealthy food issue, just self-esteem issues.  I don't know that a person can deliberately choose to become anorexic, but I've never had an ED, so I don't know all the psychological ins and outs.  But the fact that you say things like "thank God" you didn't develop an ED, and that you are "afraid" of having one ... that under it all you know you do not have a weight problem. 

It seems to me that you may have some issues that you are projecting into your self-image ... and that is where you are channeling all your negative feelings about yourself.  In a way I understand, because if you HAD an ED, there would be help ... fix that problem and you fix it all ... but statements like "I can't stand the sight of myself" make me think this goes deeper than food and weight issues.

Of course, I don't have any degree letters behind my name, so ... is there anyone you can talk to ... someone qualified to help you?  A counselor or a clergyperson? Sometimes just to vent it out to someone who is not SO personally involved will help.

You can try a few different things
First whole is your role model. I dont really have one, but there are chicks who when i see a news story on them, i'll read about them, No doubt they are skinny little things. Find new ones! Like bootylicious beyonce!

Or you can try and look at the things that matter - you on the inside, not how you look. Seen ugly betty?

You are allowed to think of yourself as a disgusting slob BUT not physically. If you show down on packets of lays and chocolate cake and live in a pile of your cookie crumbs, thats slob. But if you a little round but you're happy and healthy there is no way I can call you slob, even with a muffin top! Becuase I have seen anorexic girls who are skinny but still slobs and a massiv turn off for guys

Original Post by stellajo:

 

It seems to me that you may have some issues that you are projecting into your self-image ... and that is where you are channeling all your negative feelings about yourself.  In a way I understand, because if you HAD an ED, there would be help ... fix that problem and you fix it all ... but statements like "I can't stand the sight of myself" make me think this goes deeper than food and weight issues.

 

 fix that problem and you fix it all? i would be interested to know what you mean by that.

Anorexia is something you can't fix...If I'm correct. People who get help can go back into it every now and then, but try to maintain a healthy weight.

Edit: I obsessivly studied anorexia and "techniques".

i really hope that your studies of anorexia only strengthened your resolve to never go down this path yourself. i'm interested in her 'quick fix' technique/opinion because, in my experience, this is not something that has been easy to resolve- at least for me. i know that i'm still struggling. so if she knows something i dont, i'd love to hear any advice. kumi, please try to see yourself for the beautiful girl you are. look at pictures that you love of yourself or where you're having a particularly good time and remind yourself that, though you may not be entirely comfortable with your body, anorexia only causes that mental insecurity to snowball.

 fix that problem and you fix it all? i would be interested to know what you mean by that.

I meant that may have been the OP's idea or mindset.  That if she can channel ALL her problems into one package, and "fix" it, then all will be okay.   My intention was to make the point that it may be her idea, but that it doesn't work that way.

Sorry I wasn't clear.  I was in no way stating that fixing a single issue can solve all a person's problems.  I simply meant maybe that was what she was thinking and why she was "seeking" an eating disorder.

I think you have the wrong idea of what anorexia actually is. You say you have previously researched + adopted anorexic "techniques" without actually being anorexic.

Anorexic "techniques" aren't exclusive to someone who is anorexic, they are weight loss tips, diet tips, whatevers, and are used by so many people trying to lose weight in an unhealthy way. In a LOT of cases anorexics pick up dieters techniques.

Being anorexic dosen't give you a magical ability to deny food, and lose weight fast...and most are constantly thinking about food, wanting it, planning their life around it.

Starving yourself and other "anorexic behaviour" is what anorexia IS, while you may not meet weight criteria the body dismorphia + self starvation is an eating disorder in itself. 

You need to stop beating yourself up about the way you look.  I knew so many beautiful models that would pick themselves apart.  You are beautiful!  Keep saying that to yourself, even if you don't believe it.  Every time you look in the mirror and start focusing on the "negatives"- stop and look at a part of you that you like.  Ask your friends and family to write a list of your best attributes.(Physical and personality)  Use these lists if you can't find anything about yourself that you love.  You are not fat, but you perceive yourself as fat.  Try to love your body more through this mental technique.

I don't know your weight, but judging by the photo of your face, with its hollowed-out cheeks and sharply-defined jawline, I can't imagine it's very much.  What you are seeing as "rolls of fat" is probably barely enough fat to insulate your body and looks like nothing to anybody with an objective eye.  Distorted perception of one's own body is a big hallmark of anorexia, so you probably already have that in common with them.  I hope you don't get any more of their attributes.

My cheeks look "hollowed out" because I have dimples....

Your neck is thin and your bone structure is well-defined.

 

Lemme guess - 5'6" and about 115 lbs, but you think you're "fat".

Am I close?

 

By the way, it wasn't meant as an insult - you're quite pretty - but from your face alone, you look pretty thin.   

5'4" and 130.

Original Post by red_herring:

But if you a little round but you're happy and healthy there is no way I can call you slob, even with a muffin top! Because I have seen anorexic girls who are skinny but still slobs and a massive turn off for guys

 Oh, brother, the muffin top.  I  know it's no use trying to fight fashion, but who the hell had the idea that all women should have to wear those stupid hip-hugger pants and show their midriff?  I hate that trend and can't wait until those stupid pants are on the trash heap of history where they belong.  In the 80s they had tight jeans, but they went up to the waist and flattered women's figures, even if they weren't stick-thin, but the hip-huggers make all but the skinniest girls look chubby.

Wasn't it Madonna that first starting showing off her belly and everyone started to do it afterwards?

Original Post by kumi:

5'4" and 130.

22.3 BMI - smack dab in the middle of "healthy".   Somehow I  doubt you look "disgusting" in any way.  But if it really bothers you you could hit the gym and maybe try to lose 10 lbs, but much more than that and you'd start flirting with "underweight" and if your really are flirting with anorexic thinking, that might be dangerous.  It's your body and you have to decide - after all, I've already had co-workers tell me I don't need to lose anymore weight, but I still want to lose 30 more lbs, to be right in the middle of healthy BMI myself.  So I may be full of it, judging based only on a photo, but please at least consider that your mind may be exaggerating the amount of your fat.  

Original Post by kumi:

Wasn't it Madonna that first starting showing off her belly and everyone started to do it afterwards?

 The first star I saw doing the hip-huggers was Britney Spears, about in 2000, but I'm not as well-plugged into pop culture as some people.

 

I kinda thought it was cool on Shakira and Brtney, dancing around on stage, but they are pop stars, for pete's sake.

 

And now the men are wearing low pants that practically show their pubes.  Ech.  Even if I had the body for it, I would die of embarrassment walking around like that! 

I don't really pay attention to the celebs., but I remember hearing something about it. 

But you look so skinny.  I wish I looked as thin as you and im 5"4 and 115 pounds.  Imagine if I was 130 pounds i would look overweight in extremes thats just my hideous body type.  You're lucky you have a nice body type.

Original Post by thebledx3:

But you look so skinny. I wish I looked as thin as you and im 5"4 and 115 pounds. Imagine if I was 130 pounds i would look overweight in extremes thats just my hideous body type. You're lucky you have a nice body type.

 thebledx3, I looked at your pics, and your are SUPER SKINNY!  Why do all skinny women think they are fat?  I REALLY REALLY don't understand it!  I'm a guy, was obese and 100 lbs overweight, and I thought I was just "stocky"!  It took seeing a scale, a very fat video of me waddling around from behind, and my younger brother's heart attack to get my butt in gear about watching what I eat.

 How much of a mind@#$% is the media doing on women these days that such thin girls think they're fat?

 thebledx3, if you are fat, then Kate Moss is obese and Uma Thurman is a cow.  Really.