I'm eating 1 calorie a day!!

And I can't lose weight!

Please tell me what to do so I can say you're wrong!

*cuddles the zombie diet pills*

I'm bored.

Cut that in half, drink a cup of water in between bites of air, and exercise 4 hours a day.

You really should know better than to eat a WHOLE calorie. sheesh.

Original Post by crazydiamondchrysalis:

Cut that in half, drink a cup of water in between bites of air, and exercise 4 hours a day.

You really should know better than to eat a WHOLE calorie. sheesh.

 OMG I NEVER KNEW! *sets off to divide all 9000 one calorie packs in half so she's prepared for the new diet plan*

If you've hit a plateau, you should try cycling your calories to jump start your metabolism.  Have one calorie on Monday, half a calorie on Tuesday, one and a half calories on Wednesday...

You need to get a coffee enema.  There's 40 lbs. of undigested red meat spackled to the walls of your colon you know.

Original Post by pavlovcat:

You need to get a coffee enema.  There's 40 lbs. of undigested red meat spackled to the walls of your colon you know.

 OMG! I forgot I have to CLEANSE!!!!!!! NO WONDER I can't lose any damn weight!!!!

Where can I buy this coffee enema?

Try the Air diet. You will feel cleansed and refreshed. Plus I hear you lose a ton of weight when you die.

Original Post by michachu:

Original Post by pavlovcat:

You need to get a coffee enema.  There's 40 lbs. of undigested red meat spackled to the walls of your colon you know.

 OMG! I forgot I have to CLEANSE!!!!!!! NO WONDER I can't lose any damn weight!!!!

Where can I buy this coffee enema?

 First you stop at Home Depot for some flexible rubber tubing.  And then you go to Starbucks and order 10 espressos.  Be sure to get a punch card because after you order the 10 espressos you'll be able to get another one free!

And then you're going to need the help of someone you trust very, very much.

Original Post by pavlovcat:

Original Post by michachu:

Original Post by pavlovcat:

You need to get a coffee enema.  There's 40 lbs. of undigested red meat spackled to the walls of your colon you know.

 OMG! I forgot I have to CLEANSE!!!!!!! NO WONDER I can't lose any damn weight!!!!

Where can I buy this coffee enema?

 First you stop at Home Depot for some flexible rubber tubing.  And then you go to Starbucks and order 10 espressos.  Be sure to get a punch card because after you order the 10 espressos you'll be able to get another one free!

And then you're going to need the help of someone you trust very, very much.

 Hmmmmmmm.... AMETHYYYYYYYYYYSSSSSSTTTTTTTT!!!

Where is she anyway?

Hehe.

Original Post by pavlovcat:

Original Post by michachu:

Original Post by pavlovcat:

You need to get a coffee enema.  There's 40 lbs. of undigested red meat spackled to the walls of your colon you know.

 OMG! I forgot I have to CLEANSE!!!!!!! NO WONDER I can't lose any damn weight!!!!

Where can I buy this coffee enema?

 First you stop at Home Depot for some flexible rubber tubing.  And then you go to Starbucks and order 10 espressos.  Be sure to get a punch card because after you order the 10 espressos you'll be able to get another one free!

And then you're going to need the help of someone you trust very, very much.

 Don't forget lots and lots of plastic sheeting.

And a will.

Original Post by puh8suwrux:

Original Post by pavlovcat:

Original Post by michachu:

Original Post by pavlovcat:

You need to get a coffee enema.  There's 40 lbs. of undigested red meat spackled to the walls of your colon you know.

 OMG! I forgot I have to CLEANSE!!!!!!! NO WONDER I can't lose any damn weight!!!!

Where can I buy this coffee enema?

 First you stop at Home Depot for some flexible rubber tubing.  And then you go to Starbucks and order 10 espressos.  Be sure to get a punch card because after you order the 10 espressos you'll be able to get another one free!

And then you're going to need the help of someone you trust very, very much.

 Don't forget lots and lots of plastic sheeting.

And a will.

 I'm leaving all my earthly belongings to the zombies who ate my brain.

Original Post by happyfish22:

Try the Air diet. You will feel cleansed and refreshed. Plus I hear you lose a ton of weight when you die.

 Psh.  Psh I say.  The Air Diet is a total scam.  It takes months before you see results.  And in the meantime, you actually gain weight from all the flies and worms that infest you. 

Oh, sorry, my bad. I read the only side effect was death, but flies and worms are pretty gross so maybe I won't try it after all.

Original Post by michachu:

Original Post by puh8suwrux:

Original Post by pavlovcat:

Original Post by michachu:

Original Post by pavlovcat:

You need to get a coffee enema.  There's 40 lbs. of undigested red meat spackled to the walls of your colon you know.

 OMG! I forgot I have to CLEANSE!!!!!!! NO WONDER I can't lose any damn weight!!!!

Where can I buy this coffee enema?

 First you stop at Home Depot for some flexible rubber tubing.  And then you go to Starbucks and order 10 espressos.  Be sure to get a punch card because after you order the 10 espressos you'll be able to get another one free!

And then you're going to need the help of someone you trust very, very much.

 Don't forget lots and lots of plastic sheeting.

And a will.

 I'm leaving all my earthly belongings to the zombies who ate my brain.

 That's sweet of you!

OP, I don't know what to say.  You said in your original post that you would say we were wrong, yet you have latched onto every piece of advice with desperation.

Original Post by puh8suwrux:

OP, I don't know what to say.  You said in your original post that you would say we were wrong, yet you have latched onto every piece of advice with desperation.

 Wellllll I was assuming you were gonna tell me to eat MORE... so I'll go ahead and follow your advice.  I mean c'mon! When I eat 2 calories a day I GAIN weight!

If you're looking to try something unconventional, why not try the Kirstie Alley diet?  You follow her around 24/7, and you may eat any food that she drops.  It worked beautifully for Valerie Bertinelli.

quote has been moderated and therefore cannot be seen.

 *CRYYYYYYYYYYYY* I'm trying to cut down!! I'm trying!!

*curls up under desk and snarfs down a calorie*

OH CRAP I ATE AN EXTRA CALORIE NOW WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!

Original Post by michachu:

quoted post has been moderated and therefore can no longer be seen.

 *CRYYYYYYYYYYYY* I'm trying to cut down!! I'm trying!!

*curls up under desk and snarfs down a calorie*

OH CRAP I ATE AN EXTRA CALORIE NOW WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!

 The only thing you can do is eat that much less tomorrow.

Stop drinking water.  YOu know it leads to water weight gain.

Are you sure you are on a one calorie a day diet? Maybe you are getting extra calories somewhere. It's probably the water, you should cut down on your water intake, contaminated water is a major source of extra calorie. It could be leaching out of your glass ware or something and I hear leaches are bad!