I'm gonna get so much crap for this.

So for a week I've been on weight-gain track. I was 103 pounds a little over a week ago (the non-digital scale at the gym said 101 but when i got home to the digital it said 103, so I went with 103, who knows) 

 I've gained up to 106 or 107ish, not a big deal,  BUT I ate almost all junk to gain that.. besides 'normal' dinners, (whatever my family was having when i was home for the holiday--turkey, pork, mashed potatoes w/out butter) which themselves weren't particularly healthy.. 

Anyway, so Ive only gained 3 or 4 pounds but am noticing a huge difference in my appearance, I feel like I gained more like 10.. I'd like the advice of someone who's been through this. Is this mostly in my head? oor is it because its gross-weight from only junk and not healthy weight gain. 

I'm also embarrassed to say I've developed the beginnings of bulimia from starting to eat again. I'm trying so hard not to do it but the urge is so big with the weight gain and I feel so bad after I eat now.. I know its awful and I do NOT want to continue it, I just need some words from someone whose been there...

Thanks :\

i've sort of been where you are, and i can tell you.. it's probably all in your head. 3-4 lbs isn't going to make a difference to anyone except yourself, and it makes an even bigger difference when you have an ed. don't listen to the ed voices though, you're better than that, and you deserve to be happy at a healthy weight.

106-107 lbs is still very thin, how tall are you? i suggest you keep gaining, but maybe if you eat healthier foods instead, you'll feel better about it.

When I eat too much or not so good for a couple of days and want to turn it around, I sit down and drink several glasses of water.  I say I do it to cleanse my system, which it may or may not, but psychologically, I imagine it that way.

Then, I start anew with eating healthfully and following my plan of getting exercise 4 days a week.

I sort of allow myself to "reset," and stop cycling through all the crazy emotions and bad messages I'm sending myself.

I just allow myself to stop worrying.  I think the worrying is more damaging than anything else.

I hope something I've said here might help.  Hang in there!

ya its weird cause when i used to always be 109-110, i thought that was so great. then i dropped down, and now im not even back there but feel like i was more fit then at 110 then i am now at 106/7.  its frustrating.

Laury, i've been there totally.  In retrospect, it was the fast gain and the 'junk food' gain that made me feel so fat.  Also, when you are so tiny, any weight gain (or so it seems to you) stands out like a sore thumb.

I agree you should start the 'cleansing process'.  Right now you probably feel like your body is just all dirty on the inside, full of crap and gaining fat from your mistreatment of it.

Treat it right for a few days with water and all the healthy stuff, try so hard (and i know its SO much easier to say than do) not to weigh yourself or over-analyse this weight gain... Just go through the working out/eating well motions and within a few days or weeks it should stable-ize again.   Dont do anything rash like bullimia .. i was always tempted to do that because i wanted the guilt/gross feeling gone ASAP... but it really wont go away with that.   Water and healthy food cleanse is the only way i've ever felt better.

thank you so much for the advice. it makes it that much more frustrating because im supposed to be TRYING to gain a little weight, so its "okay" that i gained, its  just i want it to be healthy weight, i think that will make me more willing to stick with it.

:) thanks again

Hey,

I can totally relate. Though I feel the same way about my weight gain (not too much but suddenly I feel SOOO much bigger/uglier), if I look at it objectively I think I can say pretty confidently that it's in my head. I wish I could share ways to get over this distorted mental image, but I'm struggling with that as well. All I can say is I wish you the best of luck, and I'm glad you at least recognize that you are developing bullimic tendencies and are seeking help to avoid them :)

Best wishes.

erica: i am 5'6. thank you for your advice!

i was walking down the street today, and i thought to myself, just because my stomach isnt completely flat now (even when i try to stick it out) doesnt make me FAT. (im bloated and ache-y from eating too many raisins this morning so my stomach was on my mind). nobody is perfect and i have to learn to accept that i am not and DONT NEED TO BE. it's not that i thought i was by any means even at the worst part of my eating problems, but physically, i felt closer to it than i ever have before, especially since i was at the highest end of my healthy weight range all throughout high school- when you really seem to develop your sense of self. so it took a lot to change the way i see myself, and even now, i am under 110 pounds and often times still see myself as the 140-150 girl. now it seems that anything bigger than what i was at my lowest is somehow just unacceptable. nobody is perfect. i have to learn to beat this. bones protruding and eyes sunken in is not perfect anyway.. it's disgusting. i'd rather be a few pounds heavier, but a hell of a lot happier, right?? i know that i do. why can't i LIVE that way?? i hate that i say these words and i know that i believe them, but i still have so much trouble changing what i DO.

i just needed to vent a little. 

Hi this is really hard for me to say, but I went through the same thing. I am 5 foot 7. In high school I weighed about 140. I was fit, not chunky, but not super skinny. I gained weight in college...thats when the problems started. I over-exercised, underate and dropped weight...then I couldn't stop. I went to a nutritionist and then was eating a high calorie per day diet but still I couldn't gain weight. It was very scary. I was 93 pounds at my lowest...a walking skeleton :(. Then as I was able to gain weight, I began to perceive myself as horrendously fat and ugly. I am ashamed to say that I began purging...a lot. I would gorge and then purge and then do it again. I seemed to have stopped for a while now and my weight has stabilized at about 118-120, yet I still seem to find faults with myself. I understand now that it is natural to find faults with oneself. Sometime, I lapse back into that dreaded word "bulimia" but not that often. Usually I can control myself.

Good luck to you!