I'm a little shaken right now

I am having so much trouble loosing weight right now. I am dead sick of being so fat.

During this past summer (of 2008, that is) I was SO GOOD at sticking to my calorie allowence. "1300? Sure! I can do that", "no thank you, I'm not hungry", "I've already eaten, thank you". I feel asthough I have lost all ability to stick to any number. I restricted food for a couple months at the end of my summer break and then I started binging. That's where it all came crashing down.

I have lost some of the weight that I gained but I'm so heavy still. I don't want to have to starve myself in order to lose the weight I want but that seems like the only way to right now.

It's ridiculous: either I'm overeating or I'm not eating at all; eating a regular-sized meal is very rare for me. And all the time, every time I eat something and even if I feel content with the amount that I have eaten, I wish that I could just stop. I wish that I could go days without eating. The days where I got to starve myself were days where I felt the most feminine and happy.

This "all-or-nothing" mentality I have developed is so detrimental to my happiness. I DON'T WANT IT! I don't want to think about food all the time. I don't want to eat when I'm sad. I don't want to eat because I'm anxious, nervous, happy, uncomfortable; I DO NOT WANT TO TURN TO FOOD AS MY ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!

I hate the feeling of having layers of fat all over my body. I feel disgusted with myself and ashamed to be in public. I hate feeling uncomfortable around my friends. I wish, what I truly wish for, is for some situation were I cannot eat very much. Maybe if I was poor and couldn't afford to buy crappy high-calorie foods. Or maybe if I was stuck on an island and there was only a small amount of food, so I would have to ration it. These are the crazy fantasies I have during most days.

I want to be healthy and thin. Is that such a stretch? I don't think so. Plenty of people can do this. Why am I having such a ridiculously difficult time with it? I want to slap myself as scream: "JUST BE NORMAL, YOU MORON! IF YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY, DON'T EAT!! YOU DON'T NEED COOKIES OR CAKE OR AN EXTRA SERVING OR ANOTHER PIECE OF BREAD, SO DON'T **** EAT IT, YOU FAT IDIOT!!!"

I know I sound frantic, and to be honest, I feel frantic. I feel asthough I am stuck as someone who can just watch herself eat. I can only watch; I have no control over my arms, legs, or mouth. I feel paralyzed and I feel ashamed that I have so many victim-like feelings at my core. Like I really don't have control when in reality it's all me who decides to eat and eat and eat and eat and eat.

I feel nauseous but I cannot allow myself to throw up. I promised myself that I wouldn't allow anymore purging ever again.

I feel so trapped. I hate these feelings. I don't see what use they are to me. I want to stop I want to stop I want to stop. It's enough, isn't it? It's enough to think about nothing but food for almost six months, right? So I shouldn't have to anymore.

Just ridiculous.

I feel so bad for you right now!  How can we help?  You can talk to me, I will listen.

Joan

Ugh.  So sorry you are feeling this way.  I have been there.  I will get better, I promise.  Have you thought about therapy?  I had a fantastic experience with a therapist, but I know it is not an option for everyone.  I read a book this summer that really helped me with my negative self-talk and self-defeating behaviors.  It is called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.  It is considered a "metaphysical" book, which I wouldn't exactly say is my thing, but it was and is really helpful to me.  He just teaches you a simple technique to slow down that snowball effect of negative thoughts.  He also reminds you (or I suppose awakens you to the idea) that you mind and your body are not who you are, and that your mind can really f*%@ with you, preventing you from just "being".  I hope it doesn't sound too hokey.  It is written in Q and A form, so any of the WTF? questions you are asking as you read, he eventually answers.  It is nice to read and it really helps show you how to slow you down and take a breath.

Another thing that worked for me sometimes was just to take a walk and really focus on breathing.  That is important when you are panicking!

Hope you feel better soon :>

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time.  I think there are MANY people that feel the exact same way you do.  I know I go through those feelings of self-loathing on a regular basis.  It sounds like you're an emotional eater like myself.  

I don't think food is the issue here.   Coping with all of those feelings is the issue.   You're right in saying that food is not the answer.  I have to tell myself that too.  It's not easy, but I try to remember how bad it feels to gain weight as well.

It sounds like the periods of starvation you're going through are also setting you up for big crashes.   You starve, and then you binge because you're both emotionally and physically starved.   Try to even out your meals a bit more.  Try eating smaller meals all day.   I work, but I manage to carry around little baggies of snacks with me for when I'm hungry.   I don't know how you feel, but I know that when I'm hungry, my emotions tend to crash too.   Perhaps regulating your diet will help to improve your mood. (This always happens when I eat a late lunch... I get easily annoyed and moody. Sometimes I even get a bit depressed.  It seems to lift mid-way through my lunch).  

Try not to focus just on losing weight.   Think about how eating a little more consistently makes you feel.   Feeling healthier, stronger and more in control is a much greater benefit than the loss of a pound.   If you need to, take a break from the scale. 

Based on a past post, you are 18?

As a teen, 1300 is too low for you. You should be getting at least 1500-1800 calories, if not more.

What do you weigh now (because the last post was several months ago) and what is your goal weight?

If you don't feed your body, your body will crave even more food.

Yea I could have written this post too (besides the purging thing, tried it but i couldnt get anything to come up-thank God, moments of desparation I spose). Its hard to gain control of your habits. DUH. I think you just have to get fed up. Make a solid decision that no matter what, no matter how many times in a day you have to convince yourself, again and again, that you are going to work at this and eat right and exercise, push yourself...you do it! Its not a one time decision, and thats why its so hard. But nothing worth having comes easily. You CAN do this though. Quit thinking about all the times you've failed before. You dont have to fail now. Learn from your mistakes but dont keep looking back. Looking back, in my opinion, is not a good thing. Look forward to today. I tell myself, "I may not be all that I want to be today, but if I work hard, I can be a little closer to that person tomorrow", and it works, and its true. Stay positive. Dont let anything get you down. No more complaining either because you are right, YOU control you. You may not be able to have control over how quickly the weight comes off or million other circumstances in your life, but you control your attitude. Attitude is everything. :) Hope that helps.

If you are interested in a change of pace, I'd reccomend the Warrior Diet and the Anti-Estrogenic Diet by Ori Hofmekler.   They each have a website that describes all of the principles behind the diet.  Ori also has a weekly radio show where he goes over some of the issues.

Hope things work out well for you. :)

I hope this helps you in any way. I am a 39 year old overweight woman (244lbs). I have the worst will power to really succeed at any diet. I don't really overeat (I skip lots of meals), I just eat the wrong things. I love all the unhealthy things, cream sauces, chocolate, etc. When I was pregnant with my last baby I got gestational diabetes and was sent to a nutritionist for it.  She helped me to understand that by skipping meals, my body anticipates my not eating and holds onto the fat because it is unsure of when it will get it again and really throws your metabolism off.  It was totally time consuming and a lot of work (planning, preparing fresh fruit/vegies) but I ended up losing about 40 pounds.  I know it's hard, but if you eat on the schedule you prepare for yourself and eat the right foods, you will soon be satisfied with your daily intake. Remember, sometimes being thirsty(water, water, water) is mistaken for feeling hungry. 

btw: I found this site because I stopped following the nutritionists advice and gained my weight back(and some).  I wish you the best of luck.

Original Post by myvstarpops:

Snippets of the original post:

.....I am dead sick of being so fat.

....... I have lost some of the weight that I gained but I'm so heavy still.

....... I want to be healthy and thin

.....................

Unless you've added a considerable amount of weight, then according to a post you created in October, you ARE at a healthy weight.   5'8 and CW 148.

Who or what has you thinking that you need to be stick thin?  As if I couldn't guess!  Is it really worth all your mental anguish to fall into the skinny trap?

I'll support you in that you might want to lose 5-10 pounds, but don't beat yourself up!  Continue to eat healthy, exercise whenever you can, don't cave into your 'skinny' peers, and enjoy being a teenager!!!

If you can maintain a weight of 140 - 145 pounds, then I think you're doing great!  Judging from your profile pic, I bet there are plenty of guys wanting your attention just as you are!

Tackling the first problem I see head on: you're not eating enough for your age and stats. The bare minimum for a sedentary girl under 21 is 1500, and at 1300 you're denying yourself the fuel your body needs to grow - and yes, you're still growing up until 21. To work out what you need use this calculator, as CC's tools are inaccurate for an under 21 year old: http://www.bcm.edu/cnrc/bodycomp/bmiz2.html as you are still growing. Yes, even in the later years - there's more going on inside of you that you simply can't see. If you get all fuzzed by the numbers there, I would be happy to help you more specifically.

Remember that in a healthy diet it is also a healthy lifestyle. You can have that extra serving of bread, or slice of cake, or cookie from time to time. The key is moderation of it in your diet so you don't end up feeling deprived. Cutting things out and denying them, labelling "bad" or "no category" foods is one large thing that can contribute to what leads to overeating in the end - along with eating too little. Then there are emotional triggers, though those are a different ballgame entirely.

What might help is identifying WHY you feel the need to overeat beyond how little you're taking in for what you need right now. In my own recent stumblings - I'm an emotional eater myself, trouble with "all or nothing" mindsets as well - I went looking for some online help beyond CC and found this article, which really helped me and would generally help anyone struggling with binge and emotional eating: After the Binge - By Annette Colby, PhD, RD, LD

Whatever the cause, do try to find it, because it makes it all the easier to anticipate and prevent. It might also help you to start looking at your meals less as calories and more balanced portions and what makes a healthy diet. As helpful it can be people can't cal-count forever! These're some links on visual portion sizes: http://www.mypyramid.gov, which has a list of example photos (measured!) at certain portion sizes, and Nestle: Keeping an Eye on Portion Sizes, which provides a photo of objects you can compare that equal a portion. Though don't rely on this for now - you need to increase to an appropriate level first and get used to that.

But as well as upping your intake for what you need, I think for now you should maintain a while whilst you work on your self-esteem and image instead of weight loss. If you're not happy with yourself right now I doubt that you will be at any less of a number either.

Can you talk to your mum or any of your friends about how you feel in yourself? Or a school support, like a school counsellor? CC is great but it's no replacement for face-to-face comfort.

Ultimately though I have to echo this very wise statement: "... don't beat yourself up!  Continue to eat healthy, exercise whenever you can, don't cave into your 'skinny' peers, and enjoy being a teenager!!!"

remember that for every single diet (restrictive eating i mean), there is an equal and opposite binge. So try to break out of that cycle and just act like you didn't binge at all and continue with your meals. I will be hard at first, but you have to break this cycle. Think of the long term. 

good luck to you *hugs*

oh my gosh, sweetie this has to stop! i want to show you some of the things you wrote up there, because maybe it's different from this side of the page:

1.  I wish that I could go days without eating.
   
2.  I feel disgusted with myself and ashamed to be in public.
   
3.  I want to slap myself as scream: "JUST BE NORMAL, YOU MORON!
   
4. DON'T **** EAT IT, YOU FAT IDIOT!!!
   

Honey, your problem is not in the fridge. At the risk of pulling an Oprah, I'm going to say this right now: you need to apologize to yourself for being so mean! Would you ever say those things to someone else? If you said those things above to me, I would cry. And then I'd punch you. Because that is horrible and unexcusable.

I'm so, so glad you posted here for help, because it shows you want to get better! You made a mistake, you were FAR too hard on yourself. It's time to say I'm sorry to the girl you have been hurting so much, dust yourself off, pick yourself back up and eat MODERATELY, exercise MODERATELY. It sounds like you already know this. Way to go! You can do this!

And now most importantly: POST AGAIN! Please don't leave us hanging, because we really do care and we want to know that you are getting better!

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. I really, really hope you give yourself a break soon. :)

-Kate

Original Post by amethystgirl:

Based on a past post, you are 18?

As a teen, 1300 is too low for you. You should be getting at least 1500-1800 calories, if not more.

What do you weigh now (because the last post was several months ago) and what is your goal weight?

If you don't feed your body, your body will crave even more food.

 I am 18. My calorie burn is approx. 1800, so to lose a pound a week, iI should be eating 1300 right? I had been eating 1200, but I knew for sure that was too low. But 1300 should be right (1800 - 500 = 1300).

My goal weight is 135 and I currently weigh 157. I eat consistently and usually fiberous and nutritious foods. So I get frustrated when that isn't enough. hehe. ^w^;;

The calculators on this site are meant for adults. At 18, you should be using a teen calculator (people have links to them - I don't know them offhand).

So no, 1300 isn't enough, not for a teen. You might have reached your full height, but your body is not done developing.

Also, I started about 10 pounds heavier than you (I'm 5'6") and I lost weight eating 1450-1650 a day. But I'm an adult (27 years) so I don't burn as many calories as you do.

But honestly, your original post sounds like you need more help than just eating a few extra calories. Is there someone you can talk to about how you feel about food and your body?

Original Post by hilary77:

Ugh.  So sorry you are feeling this way.  I have been there.  I will get better, I promise.  Have you thought about therapy?  I had a fantastic experience with a therapist, but I know it is not an option for everyone.  I read a book this summer that really helped me with my negative self-talk and self-defeating behaviors.  It is called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.  It is considered a "metaphysical" book, which I wouldn't exactly say is my thing, but it was and is really helpful to me.  He just teaches you a simple technique to slow down that snowball effect of negative thoughts.  He also reminds you (or I suppose awakens you to the idea) that you mind and your body are not who you are, and that your mind can really f*%@ with you, preventing you from just "being".  I hope it doesn't sound too hokey.  It is written in Q and A form, so any of the WTF? questions you are asking as you read, he eventually answers.  It is nice to read and it really helps show you how to slow you down and take a breath.

Another thing that worked for me sometimes was just to take a walk and really focus on breathing.  That is important when you are panicking!

Hope you feel better soon :>

 I'm in therapy. My therapist is really great and tons of help. I will definitely take a look at that book, thank you so much.

Hahaha! That's so funny that you would suggest breathing and walking! My therapist and I just thought that I should try that every day this week. Thank you1 I need the extra encouragement.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and words, they mean a lot to me. =)

Original Post by meggo85:

Yea I could have written this post too (besides the purging thing, tried it but i couldnt get anything to come up-thank God, moments of desparation I spose). Its hard to gain control of your habits. DUH. I think you just have to get fed up. Make a solid decision that no matter what, no matter how many times in a day you have to convince yourself, again and again, that you are going to work at this and eat right and exercise, push yourself...you do it! Its not a one time decision, and thats why its so hard. But nothing worth having comes easily. You CAN do this though. Quit thinking about all the times you've failed before. You dont have to fail now. Learn from your mistakes but dont keep looking back. Looking back, in my opinion, is not a good thing. Look forward to today. I tell myself, "I may not be all that I want to be today, but if I work hard, I can be a little closer to that person tomorrow", and it works, and its true. Stay positive. Dont let anything get you down. No more complaining either because you are right, YOU control you. You may not be able to have control over how quickly the weight comes off or million other circumstances in your life, but you control your attitude. Attitude is everything. :) Hope that helps.

 Thank you for your words. These sorts of things are exactly what I need to remember and exactly what I have such a difficult time remembering. Thank you so so much, it definitely helps.

Original Post by collectm:

 Words in your head are just that. WORDS! They dont mean anything.

 Yes. That is so hard to think of and to believe in, isn't it? But they are just that: words. There is so much support and goodness in this world for me and sometimes (more than I am proud of) I cannot seem to grasp the idea that everything is okay. I'm not starving, I'm not living on the streets, I live in an incredible world with these bright and kind and amazingly thoughtful beings everyday. Thank you for your words. I think words hold the power that you give them, and I will give a lot of power to your kind words and will carry them with me as much as I can. Thank you.

Original Post by amethystgirl:

The calculators on this site are meant for adults. At 18, you should be using a teen calculator (people have links to them - I don't know them offhand).

So no, 1300 isn't enough, not for a teen. You might have reached your full height, but your body is not done developing.

 BINGO!  Amethyst said it all.  One of the links for the teen calculator (which you should be using) is  http://www.bcm.edu/cnrc/bodycomp/bmiz2.html . Lalabanana posted it above in #9.  Please read what she and amethyst have said.  it's good, solid advice.