I'm Scared

Is anyone ever just scared?  I am scared of food.  I am scared of gaining.  I am scared that I will never be happy and healthy.  I see so many people on here giving positive advice to everyone, but some days it is hard for me to motivate myself.  When I go to sleep at night, I think about the next day and about how i have to start all over again and eat. 

To most people, I probably seem fine and well adjusted, but I struggle so much just to get through the days.  I look at my stomach and see all the weight of the food, and i can barely complete my daily tasks.  I look in the mirror and I definitely don't recognize the person that I see staring back at me anymore.  Today, I ate two large cookies at work, and I just know that I am going to gain weight because I ate them, and I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing, but it is still very scary.  I feel like no one can understand me and i know that isn't true because we all have our struggles.  I just want to be relaxed and confident like i was before the ED.  UGH!!!

I understand 100% It is so, so hard. People think it is a blessing to have to eat more but it is so hard for us to even think about eating. You are not alone, facing our fears of food every single day is our own personal hell but it will work out in the end.

We have to keep pushing, keep fighting, even if there is a 1% chance that we will recover it is worth facing our fears and forcing ourselves to eat.

Stay positive, this too will pass.

Yes, I understand and relate to you completely. I am scared too. It's frustrating because randomly I will wake up one day and feel confident and ready to gain, so I eat heaps and suddenly at night I have a freak out. Like a full on panic - my stomach sticks out, I'm *definitely* going to gain, what if other people see me and I'm not skinny anymore, what if someone says to me that I look 'healthier' (fat, in my mind), what if I lose control and start bingeing... on and on. So the next day I'm back to not eating because it's just too scary.

I wish I could be consistent - but there's always something holding me back, like some new excuse to not want to gain. Coming on here and seeing others' meal plans etc inspires me a lot, but sometimes it's not enough to fight out the other thoughts going on in my head turning me against gaining for myself.

*sigh* sorry this was a bit of a "me" post but I just wanted you to know that I think I understand how you're feeling, and that you're not alone. I wish we could just wave a magic wand and go back to the times before-ED and just forget the whole thing happened!

i've been there too, everyone has. tossing and turning in bed either planning your meals or just simply thinking about meals. you are not going to gain weight because you ate two cookies. many people eat more than two cookies in one sitting and they don't feel bad. the part of the weight gaining and ed recoverey experience is to realize that eating various foods is not going to make you gain weight, eating mre than everyone else is going to but thats why you are told to eat more. once you gain then you can enjoy with a fully healthy mind and bdy the comfort of your food and won't feel bad after eating anymore. even if you weren't told to gain weight eating two cookies is not going to make yu gain weight instantly, they might not even effect your weight gain in total.

you will become confident again, you will relax you just have to want to get healthy. once you put your mind to it and see how much better life is without control of food or an ed everything wil lfall into place. life will become fun again, i promise. 

I'm scared that I'll never be able to stop gaining and I worry that I'll go back to bulimia.

I have to learn that I am a mother now and even if one day I do find that I eat so much I feel I could get sick, I won't do that because I have daughters and a husband now, i'm not that person. Not anymore.

I'm afraid of people calling me fat again, even though my whole town is overweight and people are fine with all body sizes (this isn't grammar school).

I'm afraid of feeling like I did a long time ago.

But I'll get over it. I'll live.

I am so scared and every day I feel like I still don't want to do this but I do. Some days are worse with anxiety and fear then others. Just trying to take 1 day at a time. I have changed so much and my body and what it represents is very scary. I have always used my ed as a way out or not to feel and now without it the emotions are every where. Gym I used to be the girl of excuses and waiting till X time and to break that every day I had to focus on what I can do to recover. No waiting till tomorrow. No matter when one chooses to recover it is going ot be hard as hell. No easy way. I was reading this book which I forgot the name but in recovery basically you have to do everything you don't want to to get well. Also one must sit with the anxiety and fears and find ways to cope

i feel your fear, im scared to i think we all are . this is the process of getting better though unfortunately we have to go through these feeling to get better. challenge those thoughts, those fears and it does get easier, its the only way . although its so scary ,you feed your mind during recovery as well as your body and you will be able to rationlise with these feeling better. i have a friend who has recovered with anorexia well not 100 % but she is healthy and has a happy life , she says she actually feels skinnier at a bmi of 20 than when she was 15 i dont know if this makes sence . im very frightened but you know what im frightened of most this illness taking my life, or being wheelchair bound from the damage done , yes im scared most of living this anorexic life . try to stay strong and remind yourself it wont always be the more progress you make the more things will enter your life and take away those nasty thoughts . there is a book called feel the fear do it anyway i found this helpful    h xx

Food = fear for me I'm afriad.  It seems there are many of us of a similar mindset on this forum.

I have a morbid fear of eating in public, eating with my family and generally just gaining weight, even though I'm not healthy and everybody - family, friends, health professionals - has told me that I need to gain to repair my body.

My sensible side keeps trying to remind me that I need to eat and gain and food is a fuel not a poison, my ED voice is much louder though and seems to win out every time at the moment.

I'm seeing a therapist for these problems, in an attempt to alter my mindset and feel comfortable around food the way I used to many years ago.

At the moment it seems to be breaking my mum's heart because she is telling me about how I always loved my food as a child, would eat anything she gave me, and not leave a crumb on my plate.

My two sons keep expressing their concerns at how thin I am, my husband says it like cuddling a bag of spanners when he holds me.

What a large mountain we have to climb, girls.  Let's hold hands and get to the summit together!!!

its hard but we can get there!

i often say to myself those tangled webs we weave , but they can be untangled h x

Thank you all so much for responding to my thread.  Life is so difficult sometimes.  I wish that I could go back to being a child before I knew about calories and worried about gaining weight, but it seems that I have always had irrational fears about food.  I used to be so picky that eating seemed bothersome to me because i simply did not like anything.  I guess that i was always afraid of gaining weight.  Now, I know that food tastes good and I have so much more energy when I eat, but i find it difficult to rationalize with my irrational mind. 

I think that a big part of me does not want to face growing up.  I often wish that i could be a child again.  Life seems so pure and innocent with children, and I think that I have always had a major fear of growing up.  For instance, when I got my first period, instead of being happy about being a woman, I was horrified and completely upset.  I hated that i was no longer a child, and i guess that I am still carry this fear.  I don't want to be an adult, so I try to force my body to look like a little girl.  It is all really messed up, but I truly believe that this is part of my problem.

I used to experience all of your same feelings and fears. I would get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think to myself "Did I really eat that much yesterday? Am I really doing this again today?"

But I did it. Every day. Regardless of how I felt inside I just kept moving forwards. And now, I am doing it all over again to gain another 5lbs. Except now I have much more to do, and of course now need to eat even more calories just to gain half a pound. (One of my friends actually gave me a jar of PB as a "going back to school necessity" I've already consumed about 3/4 of it)

Its okay to be afraid, but do not ever let the fear take control of you, make you feel weak or incapable. Even the strongest of people feel fears and anxieties. You can learn to cope with any emotion, as long as you give yourself the opportunity to experience it. With time, and exposure, you can and will move past your fears. I did. I used to be afraid of so, so much. Not just food, but people, and especially eating around people. I do it every now, both at school, work and out with my friends. I even joke about it now (I told my sculpt teacher the other day she could remember me as the one girl who's constantly eating in class)

I understand not wanting to grow up, and being afraid of having that adult life. But do you really want to risk never living at all, and possibly dying - for the sake of something you were a bit intimidated by?

thanks for that rebelchick , i found it very helpful h x

Hi Hun,

I just want to share a bit with you about myself, I was very very severely ill for seven years and struggled to keep on even 92-95lbs. I was at 86-88lbs (5'1") for YEARS and after a while I got so used to being that weight I didn't even see how unhealthy I was.

I'd become so used to being thin and so frustrated with trying to gain that I gave up. However mostly it was due to every time I tried to gain I'd get sick again and end up dropping back to where I started.

I have to say that now that I have been at a healthy weight range (I'm now even more than my docs goal was for me!) It is amazing when I look back at photos of me at 86,88,95lbs--I don't even know how I got through a day back then, I was so worn out and exhausted constantly and so frustrated that I just didn't even care anymore.  I didn't even remember what it was like to buy clothes that actually FIT my body! 

I have to say that at first when I gained the weight back it WAS scary...I can't lie, but mostly it was because I was SO used to the unhealthy looking girl that it wasn't that I did not want to be healthy, it was that I was so unfamiliar with the healthy me that I'd forgotten what she looked like. 

Days that you get scared think of all the things you want to do in your life, think of how STRONG you are getting, think of how your body WILL thank you, and how much you want to do in your life. Don't focus on the mirror, focus on all that you can do each day even if you have set backs and HATE who is looking back at you in the mirror, remember that it is the HEALTHY you and the STRONG  you that is looking back at you.  

When I would get scared of the new me, I thought of how much I was now able to do, I could lift weights! I had MUSCLES! I could run! I could swim! I could go hiking! I could help out and volunteer and go to school! I didn't get sick as often! I was able to wear regular size clothes and shop at womens stores! I had a butt! I had Boobs!! I was a woman! and a strong one! when I went to the store I'd get glances NOT because I was the "omg that girl needs to eat" stares...i got the "wow that girl has a hot bod and hot ass!" looks. Which i was SO not used to!!! 

Don't be affraid, take ONE thing about yourself in that mirror that you LOVE, be it your eyes, hair, hands, nose WHATEVER, and love it. and know that you will start to love more about the new healthy you each day.

feel free to message me anytime...I know what it is like to have to start over..it's hard...probably the hardest thing you'll ever do, You'll get through it though, I know it. Don't give up stay strong, I'm here and everyone else is here to help.

Wow, kbain, thank you SO much for that. I am really struggling right now to accept weight gain (I am 21 yrs old, female, 5'6.5" and 105ish at the moment. My lowest was 93 and I was 108 until a few weeks ago when I started school again and started losing which is bad). My GW is between 120-125, which is my pre-ED weight. I look at pictures of myself even just a year or year and a half ago, and I look so healthy and happy and beautiful, and I realize that I am too thin. But I have this fear of never being able to stop gaining, and never being able to be normal about food again! I think about and analyze things SO MUCH and it's awful. I know I will get through this but sometimes it is SO hard.

Coco, you took the words right off my keyboard about being scared of never being able to stop gaining.

Kbain, you did the same when you speak about the unfamiliarity of the new you looking back from the mirror.

Great post - it has helped no end.  Thanks!

Never being able to stop gaining... this is what I am scared of too. I get nervous when it comes to eating because I can hardly remember what I used to eat in a normal day, so what if I end up eating way more than before and keep gaining uncontrollably? Ok when I write that down it seems kinda unlikely... but it still scares me.

UGH I hate how we have these totally irrational fears that we KNOW aren't true but somehow still scare us all the same! POWER OF THE MIND.. just gotta learn how to control it.

I guess we all have the same feelings of gaining to much but we must battle on and believe it will stop we can do this h xx

Keep in mind just how hard it is to even put on the weight. Coco, you've been stuck at 105 for MONTHS. How likely do you really, honestly think it is that you will "never stop gaining" - especially with how busy you are? Don't take this the wrong way, but its an irrational fear.

I know I used to be afraid of that too. But for some reason, I'm not anymore. I think its because I have maintained my weight for so long, that gaining these last few pounds doesn't seem daunting anymore. I know I can trust my body. I've seen what it can do, and will do for me if I give it what it needs. Trust your body. If you take care of it, it will not fail you. Push yourself and get those last pounds on. You can do it. I'm doing it right now. I've had a few set backs - unexpected losses despite a leap in calories to keep up with myself (Who loses another pound AFTER addding 400 calories? For realz? My metabolism must be whacked) But I'm not letting it stop me or bring me down. I don't care what people at work say, and I don't care when kids at school stare at me as I devour a 3-cup container of pasta (complete with cheese, tomato sauce, spinach and olive oil) during my noon to 3PM class. Do what you need to do for YOU. Screw everyone else. There is nothing to be afraid of anymore. 

thanks for that victoria I found that most helpful xxx

Tori, you are absolutely right. Thanks for the kick in the butt!!!

Like you all, I worry about my weight getting out of control. I actually have a thread on this in the support forum. And a member actually gave me a very useful piece of advice, and that is to focus on the present. Nevermind the future for now, as all it does is cause unecessary anxiety. When the time comes, then you can focus on maintaining a healthy weight. But the focus right now should be to get weight restored and work on beating the ED thoughts/behaviors. Good luck everyone!!