I think I'm slipping and can't force myself to change...

So about 2 years ago I guess I became anorexic.  I was never officially diagnosed or taken to any doctor but I lost about 16lbs in 3 months and was only eating 600-800 calories a day.  When I was taken to a cardiologist (Feb. 2007) for my extremely low pulse (55 bpm) and poor circulation (I wasn't exercising so it wasn't that I had a strong heart), the doctor just did a few tests and said I was fine and not to come back again.

Within a few months I began eating more and didn't even bother counting.  My weight went back up to 110 lbs (I was 113 before all this) but it was pretty much all fat (again no exercise).  After going on Yaz I went up to 120 but went back down to 110 after coming off.  I continued eating normally until just 2 months ago.  I really wanted to get in shape for summer and now that school ended I have time to exercise (about 1 hour a day at a moderate pace on my elliptical and 20 minutes of heavy strength training alternating legs and arms every other day).  I'm eating around 800 calories and when I eat more, I force myself to burn it off on my elliptical.  I don't want to go through what I did 2 years ago but nothing is changing.  All I want to do is get in shape and I am so scared of gaining weight.

I look the same as I do in my profile pictures so you can tell that I'm not "anorexically skinny," as some may call it.  And I haven't had my period since May 2007 with the exception of birth control pills.  I was off the Yaz for over a month and got nothing so now I'm on Tri-Sprintec.  Somebody please help me.  My mom thinks I'm fine but I feel like I'm probably killing myself inside.  But I'm afraid of gaining anymore weight

This time do it properly and go talk to a doctor....  Explain everything exactly as you have above.  You don't have to be seriously underweight to be suffering from an eating disorder.... as anyone will tell you it's classed as a mental illness.  If you haven't menstruated for 2 years that's a sign that your body is in poor shape. 

Your mother may be telling you 'you're fine' hoping it's just a phase that will pass.  However, I'm sure that if you explain exactly what's happening she'll feel differently and help you.

In the meantime, do understand that recovery... although it can be assisted by professionals... is entirely dependent on you.  If school has finished, how about finding some kind of employment or occupation to keep you busy and away from the elliptical?  Boredom seems to be a big factor from what you say.  Maybe your family could help you find work?  You could also consciously eat more than you are doing.... something else you could ask your family to help you achieve.  Join you at meals, work out a meal-plan with you... team effort?

Alright thanks.  I currently have a job at CVS but only work 2-3 days a week since they're cutting back on hours.  My boyfriend tries to help by telling me that I need to eat more and he seems really upset when I don't.  That's why tomorrow he's taking me to japanese buffet where I can eat as much sushi as I want =].  Another problem with my eating so little is that I only wake up around 11-12:00 and go to bed around midnight (I've always slept this much and my hypothyroidism isn't helping =P).  On days when I work (I work evening shifts, around 3-10), I feel bad eating at night since I find it uncomfortable to lay down shortly after regardless of what it is that I ate.  For example, last night after work I came home and just had some toast with peanut butter and read until I felt comfortable enough to lay down.  On some days I really do try and eat at least 1200 net calories (after exercise), but on days following I often feel guilty and go back to 800.  I usually go out to eat at least once a week and enjoy myself, eating my whole meal and dessert.

I don't know how I should just go about telling my mom.  My dad seems like he could careless since he's overweight.  Last night after work I said to him "I felt like I haven't eaten much today but I'm not hungry.  Should I eat anything?" And he just said no. But I did anyway knowing that I needed to.  I'll speak to my doctor about it.  In the meanwhile, can you give me some advice as to how I can get in shape? I'm willing to eat more as long as I don't gain weight.  I feel like I'm exercising sufficiently and obviously not overeating.  If anyone can help me please do.

The average adult woman over the age of 21 needs around 2000 cals to maintain her weight.... that's someone who is just reasonably active rather than someone that 'works out' especially...  Someone under 21 generally needs another 200 or so on top of that.  So at 1200 (or less) you're actually undereating by quite a large margin.   If do that on a chronic basis and exercise at the same time it's bad news.  So a big part of you getting into shape is to get those 2000 cals a day as a starting point.   You will possibly gain a little weight because you've been crash-dieting.... that's a small price to pay to get your health back

110lbs gives you a BMI of 19.5.... Loss of periods most commonly happens when someone has a poor diet (lacking in fats and calories), a low body-fat %, a very low body-weight (sub BMI 19), they're ill or they over-exercise.  You're checking the boxes pretty much all of those..... The abnormal sleep pattern etc., are all things you should cover with your doctor.  And, in the meantime, do everything you can to correct the ones you can influence..... i.e. eat a lot more, eat more fats, gain a little weight and cut back on the exercise.

Here's the problem as I understand it.  You can't gain muscle mass without increasing your weight.  You can't gain only muscle mass, with the muscles comes some fat, not to mention the water that muscle tissue retains as it's worked.

You can't lose fat without losing some muscle mass.

You can try to optimize your results in both directions, but you will gain some weight (including fat) as you gain muscles.  So work on eating enough and gaining some of those muscles (muscles are sexy, the small amount of fat you'll gain will not detract from this I promise) which you cannot do when you have a calorie deficit.  Once you're comfortable from the "in shape" point of view, then you can evaluate and see if you're truly ready to work on losing the fat.

Ok thanks to both of you.  For gi-jane: I've never actually been overweight.  Before I ever even started to change my eating habits my highest weight was 113 and my periods were completely regular.  But I was also eating probably 3000+ calories a day (used to eat a whole box of Kraft mac n cheese for lunch on weekends AND everyday after school was some sort of ice cream sundae =P) but played volleyball for my high school until my sophomore year.  So I don't think the problem is necessarily my weight, but all the changes its been through.  I'm definitely going to start eating WAAAAAY more.  I already go through a jar of peanut butter a week so I'm pretty sure I'm getting enough fat in my diet. 

Tomorrow's breakfast: bagel with regular cream cheese and chocolate milk.  I think I'll also start focusing mainly on weight lifting instead of cardio in hopes that anything I do gain turns into muscle.  Now that I think about it, gaining 5 lbs won't be too terrible considering I've been up to 120 and felt the same as I do now.  My clothes did feel tighter but I still had the same negative feeling about my body.  And if I think that I'm gaining muscle, weight gain shouldn't make me feel too bad.

Back in the winter, I FINALLY thought that I had cured myself of this problem.  I was eating bagels for breakfast, grilled cheese or peanut butter sandwiches for lunch with a giant glass of chocolate milk, and whatever my parents made for dinner (ribs, chicken marsala, burgers, spaghetti with garlic bread and sausage) and never felt guilty once.  Sure I weighed myself, but I attributed most of it to the Yaz.  But once I went back down, I became afraid of going back up, especially with the summer coming.  I really want to thank you guys for changing my mindset about my eating habits.  I really don't want to live a life filled with medical problems when I'm older (Trust me, I know what problems some people have, I work in a pharmacy).  Hypothyroidism already puts me at risk for osteoporosis, and my mug of coffee, multivitamin with iron, and lack of calcium aren't helping either.  I promise both of you that I will definitely change, but I'm still not comfortable talking to my parents or my doctor.  My pediatrician is an old Indian man (no offense to anyone) and I feel like he wouldn't understand me.  My mom doesn't know much about food (She asks me, "Why do you buy low fat cheese? You need fat!"  I tell her it's because of the saturated fat content.  I get enough fat in my peanut butter and the oil I use cooking my egg whites [which will now become eggs]).  That's why I have found this site so beneficial.  I use a different one to log my calories (don't tell the mods!) but just LOVE reading the forums.  I've learned so much but still can't make it work out for myself.  I know about the whole "starvation mode" thing and yet I still put my body through hell.  But not anymore.  I'm kicking my ED out the door and out of my life for good! Or at least I hope so.

I suffer from anorexia, so I know how you feel.  Could you tell your mom whats going on in a letter?  I find it easier to write about my feelings than to talk about them.  No one can know about the mental anguish unless you tell them.  Eating disorders often turn their victims into sneaky liars (hiding food, lying about food/exercise/binge/purge/etc).  So, yes, it will be hard, but you have to tell someone.  Osteoporosis is a real risk.  I'm only 15 and I have it.  Your body obviously isn't in its best condition--you really do need and deserve help.

Ok, so I've been doing well with eating with the exception of yesterday (I woke up at 12pm and had work from 6-10:30pm) where I ate 1300, and have only gained about 2 lbs.  I'm wondering if I should slightly lower my intake.  I suffered a pretty servere back injury last Monday along with a concussion (I slipped down 8 stairs on the boat that sails between Niagara Falls) and can't do any form of strength training (no free weights, pushups, or situps) and the only exercise I can do is walking and maybe biking (however it's been raining almost everyday).  I still plan on eating AT LEAST 1500 but probably more.  Should I lower my intake from 2000-2200? And if so to what?