I'm sooo jealous, but shouldn't be

I just found out that one of my best friends is having the lap band procedure.  I'm not sure exactly why, but I just suddenly feel so overwhelmed with jealousy and I'm a bit hurt.

I'm hurt because I didn't even know she was pursuing it and we talk about weight stuff together all the time because it's something we both struggle with and we love the fact that we're so open with each other...at least until 10 minutes ago I thought we were.  Her surgery day is next week which means she's been pursuing it for some time.

Since Feb 08, I have slowly and frustratingly lost 48 pounds and now she's going to lose that in a matter of months!  So unfair!  I feel that if I had to work my ass off (literally) everyone else should too.  Our starting weight is about the same.

I shouldn't be jealous or competative, but I am so mad because I know she'll be far more successful than me.  I count calories, exercise regularly, see a dietician twice a month and sometimes I lose only 1-2 pounds a month!  She's doing to whittle down and I will still be overweight and jealous.

Pardon my jealousy - I'm just being honest and I only found out a few minutes ago.  Part of me (not in a serious way, just in an impulsive immatire way) wants to regain 40 pounds immediately so I'll be heavy enough for the band as well and then I can quickly lose it all plus more quicker than I will doing what I'm doing now.

Grrr...I WANT INSTANT GRATIFICATION NOW!!!!

Well look at it this way she wasn't "strong" enough to do it the proper way and went for a quick shortcut that involved a medical procedure. So in that sense she still lost. :)

UD

I'm sorry.. I understand how you feel betrayed.

>>shouldn't be jealous or competative, but I am so mad because I know she'll be far more successful than me<<

You don't know that!!! What you WILL know is that you did it on your own! It doesn't matter how fast either of you get there.. what matters is how long you'll stay.

Statistically, she should be jealous of YOU. Look at some of the lap band threads here. Without intense after-therapy and nutrition stuff (that you are already doing!) the surgery won't be long-term successful anyway.

Its not a magic surgery by any means. She still has a lot of work she will have to do.

I think the most unfortunate thing is how you're feeling because she didn't tell you until just now.

Don't be jealous -- lapband does not equal instant weight loss.  I have a friend who had it done a couple of years ago and she still struggles daily.  It gave her a boost, a step up, but certainly not a cure-all.

Your friend probably didn't want to tell you because she may have been embarrassed that she wasn't able to lose the weight "naturally" -- she may be thinking that it's so easy for you, you've lost 48lbs and she can't seem to do that without going to the doctor.

Regardless -- this shouldn't be about her weight loss journey, only yours.  If you focus on what others are doing that you cannot/will not, you may lose focus on what you can/will do for yourself.

You seem to be working hard and having success (honestly, the slower it comes off, the more likely it is to stay off), so revel in that, and be happy for your friend -- she's going to get the help she obviously feels she needs.

We have a coworker who lost over 100 pounds with the band in a matter of months.  I guess I feel that if she gets the same results, she'll be a "smokin hot and healthy babe" and I'll be the "blob."

As a kid I had some ED issues and truthfully, I am concerned that this rediculus immature jealousy could re-trigger some of those issues.  The competative and jealous part of me want to prove that I'm more successful and turn to drastic measures to prove it by "beating her" weight loss.

I'm not saying I should, or will - I know I am stronger than that - I'm just trying to describe how I feel.  The 48 I have lost have not all been healthy.  The first 20 came off very quickly because of some unhealthy behaviors on my part before I got medical help to continue appropriately.  That "episode" started with jealousy over another friend's weight loss, and I just feel that my sudden onset of more jealousy could set me in motion again.

I have already called my dieticion to see if she can counsel me by phone to give me a pep talk before I go nuts!

...and yes, I think the bigger issue is feeling betrayed that she hid it from me.

I totally understand wanting instant gratification! I know it won't make you feel better right away, but the way you are going about the weight loss will have less negative side effects.  Anyways- she is probably jealous that you have been able to do it on your own....

You should be giving yourself major props for losing 48 lbs- that is awesome!!!

Original Post by ericsmom:

...and yes, I think the bigger issue is feeling betrayed that she hid it from me.

Like coach k said, I think she hid it before because she was embarrassed, or even ashamed, that she's taking this route, and not being as strong as you are to continue working on this on your own.

She's still got a long road ahead of her (and she's going to have to figure everything out, while you already know what you need to do).

I would feel the same way! When my mom got the lap band done, I felt so hurt! Even though I knew about it, I felt like she was flaunting it, even though I was struggiling so much!

But, there's still willpower in play. I'm not saying that you should wish her to fail, but the lap band is just a piece of the puzzle. At the moment, I actually weigh less than my mom, so it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Don't worry. <3 It's alright to be frusturated. But think about it, when you say, "I lost 100 pounds," and they ask how, you can say it was all hard work!

Maybe you feel the loss of your weight-loss buddy, too. You won't really be able to talk about your struggles in the same way anymore. Though you will both still have struggles, they will be different. Maybe you could find some other friends to talk to about losing weight naturally. Maybe you could get yourself into a support system like weight watchers, or make some friends at a Curves. I think having friends with similar goals really helps us succeed. It sure makes working out more fun to have a buddy there with you.

I had a friend who got gastric bypass surgery, and we pretty much stopped hanging out after that. Her life changed drastically, and we had a lot less in common. After she lost 100+ lbs, she lived it up a little, partying and being social with new friends (I think this happens a lot with rapid weight-loss) but has settled back down now and is starting a family.

Her weight-loss was rapid, but it wasn't easy. She had to be very careful about what foods she ate or she would vomit, or not get enough nutrition. Her hair fell out a lot, and she was miserable for a lot of it. It's not an easy fix, and even with lap band, there can be serious complications.

Try not to be jealous. There are always skinnier people around us. There are always people who have it easier than we do. There are also people who are bigger and have it harder. It's really not about them, it's about you. What can you do to be the most successful achieving your goals? How can you stay healthy and lose the weight? What would help you stay on track?

If you need a buddy on here to talk with, let me know. I have been struggling to loseabout 60 lbs since September 06. I have lost 23 lbs and stalled (I think in part due to hormone BC which I am off of now). I still have a long way to go, and I want to be fit and strong! I hope you are feeling better about the whole situation now. Just remember, everyone else's success or failure has nothing to do with your own.

I just got back from lunch.  I was feeling so bad about this whole stupid thing that I gorged on a gigantic gourmet grilled cheese sandwich and a humongous helping of french fries.

Sometimes I just really hate me.

With everything there comes a cost. You must realize that although she wil be having the lap band surgery she will still have to change her lifestyle. Those surgeries are not a permanent fix. Our stomachs are like baloons and if we do not control our eating habits it will stretch. If your friend does not main a healthy lifestyle her stomach could stretch and she could be in the same boat she was before except thousands of dollars in debt. You are strong enough to do this the natural way. Look at you, you have already lost 48 pounds.....that is awesome. That is something to be proud of. there are many women out there who probably envy you for being courageous enough to do it the old fashion way. Stay strong, be there for your friend, and keep up the hard work.

EricsMom

I understand completely how you are feeling.  Now you have to forgive yourself the decadent lunch and get right back on that horse.  Hard work and perseverence will pay off in the long run.  Jealousy is something I struggle with also.   I just have to forgive myself for feeling that way and look towards something positive.  You have a lot to offer and perhaps you can talk with your friend about something other than weight issues.  

Good luck to you.

Original Post by ericsmom:

I just got back from lunch.  I was feeling so bad about this whole stupid thing that I gorged on a gigantic gourmet grilled cheese sandwich and a humongous helping of french fries.

Sometimes I just really hate me.

 Now now, STOP IT! I didn't mean to yell, but you're spiralling into feeling sorry for yourself and guilty of your jealousy towards your friend. I just wanted to snap you out of it. You have to stop this and refocus on yourself.  You're doing amazing! You've lost 48 lbs! Let me shout that, YOU'VE LOST 48 POUNDS! That's just a huge accomplishment, don't take that away from yourself. And I know from experience it was not easy, but you did it! Even better, you did it the right way, by changing your lifestyle and habits. This is going to last because you're relying on yourself, your will power and self control. People are different and take different routes, that doesn't make one struggle bigger than the other. As far as I see it, there are no shorcuts on this struggle, you want to lose it and maintain, you have to go through a lifestyle and behavioral change and that takes time, even if you lose 40lbs overnight with a lapband. You and your friend are taking different approaches but you both may need each other to go through this for good. But even if you decide to go separate ways, keep your focus on your goal. Congrats again, ericsmom!

PS: Isn't instant gratification that put most of us into obesity? All that lose 10lbs in two weeks, just to regain 20 in the next months and so forth until we reach 100lbs over what you should weigh. That's what happened to me along the years, this time I'm doing it slowly and I feel more and more that eating is becoming just a necessity of living and not the whole essence of being.

She may be jealous of you because you're losing on your own terms and she's   having her insides surgically altered to lose.

I consider Gastric Bypass and Lap Band cheating, you did this to yourself and you should undo it, lap band doesn't fix the emotional issue you have with food.

I think you should seek professional help.  I don't think anything you are going to read here is going to help you in any way...your issues go way beyond the expertise at CC...

I just want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who replied yesterday and supported me through my crappy day yesterday.  After a healthy dinner and a solid night of sleep, common sense has kicked in and I'm feeling better.  I am definately realizing that:

1. I'm not angry about the lap band, just that one of my best friends kept the secret from me (totally her right, and I think I understand why, but it still kinda hurts)

2. I rock!  I lost 48 pounds through hard work and the slow loss is more likely to stick.

3. Even if lap band was an option for me - I wouldn't want it for a number of reasons, so I shouldn't be jealous anyway.

After I posted yesterday, I really expected to get a ton of replies telling me that I am a bad, evil, jealous person and not deserving of a friend like her anyway.  I expected attacks, not support.  But...on the whole everyone was super supportive (even the person telling me to "snap out of it" did it in a supportive way).  Thanks for understanding that I just needed to vent.

Today is a much better day and I am back to being myself.

THANKS A BUNCH FRIENDS!

I didn't see this yesterday, so please excuse what is probably a repetition of what others have said, but I just wanted to share something - I saw a tv program the other day, about people who'd done similar procedures and lost fat quickly through it. Not only is it still a daily struggle, but the skin! When you lose weight, in a healthy and hard working way, it's difficult enough for the skin to catch up and unstretch after it's expanded and been that way for quite some time - but for someone who loses a lot of weight in a short amount of time? Their skin won't have a chance of catching up, and depending on how big she is going into it, that could mean a lot of loose skin.

I think, as others have said, that she didn't tell you because she was ashamed to admit to it - that she wasn't as strong as you to lose the weight without resorting to surgery. I understand how it can feel though, to hear it like that after you've struggled for so long (and damn, go you for 48 pounds, that's awesome!) and you will continue to struggle until you've reached your goal weight.

But during this time, you will learn how to eat better, work out properly and generally change your mindset about food - it won't be as easy for your friend.

I'm glad you're back to yourself and not feeling jealous - she'll probably need your support during this.

Good luck on your continued weight loss!

EricsMom,

I am glad you are feeling better.  Have a wonderful weekend.

Sam

I agree with what rufus k said...

I think what's really going on here is that she got jealous of you and probably has been for some time because she was not able to lose it on her own like you have and this is her way of trying to get control of her weight because she can't do it without the lap band. I do pray she does well with it. You should instead of feeling jealous feel compassion and sorry for her because she was not able to lose the weight like you have and I have read so many stories of people who have the band on for a few years and it actually grows into their skin and becomes irritating and then the Doctors have trouble getting it out of them without causing many scar tissues and problems.

So she is not in a good of place as you are really. I think she was embarrassed to tell you that she cannot do it on her own and that she is was thinking of going this route.

It would be great if you could put your jealousy aside and offer to be with her on her day of surgery and help her through this. I do understand where you are coming from as i'm morbidly obese and struggle with losing weight and have considered having the gastric bypass surgery but because of health issues they won't allow me to have it now so i'm on my own and have to do it on my own, I have no choice. Well I do but that choice is either lose weight NOW or die SOON.

I'm very jealous of my thinner younger sister who is so much more pretty then I could ever hope to be but I do know that inside i'm a much better person then her. She is not a pretty person inside. So think about who you are inside hon and not so much about the outside in this case. You are doing great losing weight and you know you have it in you to continue. Okay a cheese sandwich and fries was not a good choice but it's over and done and it's in the past. You know how to move forward from here and get back on your feet and eat better tomorrow.

What is jealousy anyways? False pride?

She needs you now probably more then ever and probably feels very low that she cannot do this on her own.

Hugs.