I'm Sorry to get all mushy but I'm just having one of those mornings where I feel worthless

I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.  I'm not 'what men want' physically.  I'm an adult but I don't look like one.  I look 13.  Everyone calls me a lolita.  I look like a kid.  And men my age don't even approach me because they think I'm a little kid.  And when they find out I'm their age they still think it weird to get involved with me in any way other than friendship.  And my figure doesn't help.  I have a petite frame with too much weight on it.  That means rolls and stretch marks.  But my shape sucks.  I have no curves.  There's nothing on me that a man goes 'wow' at.  No hips or butt.  I don't even have breasts.  I wear padded B cups but I know I'm an A cup.  And I still have weight to lose.  People say to be happy about the way I look.  I'm 20 pounds away from my goal but that doesn't make me feel any better about myself.  I still won't be curvy.  Losing weight will bring out what little curves I have.  Right now I'm just a short, fat ruler.  When I lose weight, though, I'll have the body of a 13 year old to go with this face.  What man around my age (who isn't a disgusting adolescent-fixated perve rt) would want a girl who looks like she's barely out of middle school?  I keep hearing "Ohhh you're going to Loooove your young looks when you hit 30 and up."  So it's going to take me 10 more years before I meet a guy who will appreciate me and take me seriously?  What if it takes longer?  I want to have children someday and I don't want to put my life at a higher risk by having a child after 35 or later.  And I don't want to be 50 by the time my little ones enter college.  People keep telling me to appreciate my looks but how can I when it puts my love life at a stand still for another 10 years?  Guys my age don't want little girls.  They want women.  I am the last person anyone would consider a woman.  I can't even make a 100 dollar purchase ANYWHERE without being carded.  And dressing like an adult doesn't help.  Wearing make up doesn't help.  Because I just look like a little girl in mommy's clothing.  "High Heels?  How cute?" And to top it off, I LIKE OLDER MEN!  But what thirty something year old would be interested in someone who looks like she should still be in grade school?  The only ones I know of are perverts.  I just look at myself and I offer nothing that a 'woman' can offer a man.  It's like I stopped developing at the 8th grade.  I don't have the breasts.  I don't have the curves.  I don't have the height.  I don't have the face.  I don't have ANY assets.  Sure, I have a personality but personality will only get you friendship.  I mean I can't have a boyfriend who's not sexually attracted to me, too.  And what man WOULD be sexually attracted to a little girl?  This is driving me crazy.  It's sinking in now.  That no one at this point wants me and when I AM desirable, it'll be "too late".  I've never had a boyfriend because of this issue and now I'm starting to realize that I may not have one for another decade.  It makes me just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  I can't do anything.  All I can do is lose weight and pray to God that I'm a bomb shell underneath this fat.

Dye your hair grey?

Honestly, honestly, honestly, I don't think you have to worry that much.  I know it SUCKS to hear this when you're younger, but it will get better.  If someone had told me when I was 18 that I would to wait 7 years before getting into a serious relationship, I would have thought that sounded hellish, but I actually had SOOOOOO much fun during those single years.

PLEASE don't say you don't have any assets - that is so not true.  Chances are, you are EXACTLY what someone out there is looking for, you just haven't met them yet. 

Where are you meeting men?  Work? Bars? Maybe try something different - rock climbing classes, Star Trek conventions (j/k).

I strongly beleive that you can't find love or a man unless you love yourself first.

So focus on you and work on getting your confidence up. New hair cut? Don't just dress more maturely - act it. And there are lots of 'tricks' with clothing to make you look like you have more curves.

Attitude is way more important than what curves you do or don't have.

And you are wrong when you say personality only gets you friendship. Personaility and confidence make people see you in totally different ways from first impressions.

I don't know that anything anyone has to say will help you feel differently. I think that when people tell you to love the body you have, they are right. When you learn to love yourself, it will reflect onto others which in turn will make you a more attractive person. Confidence is key. Beauty is not all about the way a person looks. Physical beauty is nice but it's no good if there's no inner beauty. What you feel inside has a huge impact on what people see on the outside! I think that when you learn to love yourself, you will be surprised at how much you attract(not just people, everything).

I guess I was posting the same time as jef9up...We both agree...lol

But confidence isn't everything.  At some point how you look plays a part in who you end up with.  If there was a skinny guy under 5'7" with a winning personality, I'd be no more than his friend because I am not attracted to skinny short men.  Matter of fact, I'm not attracted to any man under 5'7" no matter what he weighs or how much muscle he has.  Even if his personality rocks and he's the most fun guy to be around and his confidence is overpowering.  It just wouldn't happen.  Because I'm not physically attracted to short, thin men.  Now how many men do you hear say "Oh I'd love a girl who looked pre-pubescent, with tiny boobs, and short with no figure.  That's my dream girl."  Never heard that.  Ever.  So confidence will only help me make a whole bunch of friends.  But people who aren't physically attracted to me won't be swayed by my personality and confidence just like I wouldn't be swayed by a short man's personality and confidence.

 

p.s: I did get a hair cut to try and look older.  I look like a little kid with a new hair cut.

Confidence isn't everything, but physical attraction only gets a person so far. So you meet the guy of your dreams and he totally like sthe way you look too. How long will THAT last? Ha. Take a poll of everyone who is happily married or in a long successful relationship and 99% will tell you it is NOT looks.

To be honest, and I don't mean to be mean, but you come across as a little immature when you write (I really don't mean to be mean, it just seems like you don't have a lot of life experience).  That may make a difference to how you present yourself.  As you grow up, I think you'll learn that confidence really is sexy and attractive - it's not just a personality thing that will make you new friends.  Be young, vibrant, energetic and fun and people will flock to you.  You will be attractive to be around.

Also, there are three BILLION men in the world.  You haven't come across even a fraction of them.

Uh.... want my boyfriend?  You're totally his type (and he's not a pervert)!  When the time is right, and when YOU are feeling how you look, and feel confident, that is when you'll be in a frame of mind to start attracting the opposite sex.  The man of your dreams may not be your "type" either.  My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years, I'm not a "lolita" (his type) - I'm 5'3, curvy and have T&A (ha ha) - and he loves me.

I agree with vegetarianeek. I'd be lying if I said looks don't have any importance because they do...to the beholder. What I find attractive varies. It's not someone's height, size, shape, hair color, etc. So for me, I couldn't tell you what physically attracts me to men. Sure I could be attracted to the most gorgeous man I ever laid eyes on but the you may think he's ugly. I don't care because I know that what you see is not as important as what I see. My whole point is that someone is going to love you for what they see(not always physically) but you have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you. I don't have much for breasts either and as much as I'd like a little more,  I wouldn't change it because this is me. If somebody else doesn't like them they're not worth my time or energy.

Original Post by practicallypeach:

But confidence isn't everything.  At some point how you look plays a part in who you end up with.  If there was a skinny guy under 5'7" with a winning personality, I'd be no more than his friend because I am not attracted to skinny short men.  Matter of fact, I'm not attracted to any man under 5'7" no matter what he weighs or how much muscle he has.  Even if his personality rocks and he's the most fun guy to be around and his confidence is overpowering.  It just wouldn't happen.  Because I'm not physically attracted to short, thin men.  Now how many men do you hear say "Oh I'd love a girl who looked pre-pubescent, with tiny boobs, and short with no figure.  That's my dream girl."  Never heard that.  Ever.  So confidence will only help me make a whole bunch of friends.  But people who aren't physically attracted to me won't be swayed by my personality and confidence just like I wouldn't be swayed by a short man's personality and confidence.

 

Just because you think this way does not mean that everyone else DOES. Please accept that there are a LOT of people for whom physical appearance is relatively unimportant, that a LOT of people fall in love with people they consider friends. Arranged marriages, for example, are based on the assumption that two people who treat one another kindly, are basically "well matched" in terms of interests, values, etc., will learn to appreciate one another physically.

Secondly, please stop assuming some imaginary timeline is necessary for your future. You will miss life if you keep "planning ahead." Work on changing your thinking, learning to love yourself, and having fun NOW. The rest will take care of itself!

I'll go out with you!

Maybe guys are intimidated by you? I know I am  an extremely shy person when it comes to expressing interest in girls. So, for instance, if I liked you, I would be very intimidated and would probably have to take a ton of time to buid the nerve to actually ask you out.

 

Great.  Now I'm immature.  I know you didn't mean to be mean but that's a big fat slap in the face.  I'm trying my hardest to BE mature, dress mature, and act mature.  And someone who hasn't even seen me thinks I'm immature.  You didn't call me inexperienced.  I'd understand that because I haven't experienced a lot of things.  You called me immature.  As in undeveloped.  As in not where I should be in life.  And in behind everyone else who is my age.  Well now this proves it.  **** has feelings because I definitely feel like ****.   You know what kind of people flock around me when I am young, vibrant, energetic, and fun?  Children.  

I'm not saying that this look will last forever.  But what man would even give me a chance?  Perhaps someone may find me attractive in the figure but I'll be past my prime and I can just kiss having children and a family at a young, healthy age goodbye.

So what If guys don't approach you?  Go and approach them.  I Know many people who are more attracted to short, cute, small, petite girls, than Giraffe girls.  It's different and It's awesome, Singular.  I think it's really cute.  And Im truthful as anything by the way.

I said, I'll take you!

I suppose.  (sigh) maybe I'll feel better about things later.  If I just had some positive reinforcement about how I look at least once in my life, I might be okay.  But not once (and I mean this) has someone called me pretty, beautiful, sexy, or fine.  Not once.  My parents say I look nice at time when I dress up for things like church or special dinners.  But that's it.  A peer has never once said that I looked attractive.  And that only leads me to believe that perhaps I'm not attractive.  I feel nearly 20 years is long enough to wait for a compliment.  But no one has so much as thrown me a cat call on the streets.  The men all look at my friends who are curvy with big breasts.  And I'm the 'little sister' who wanted to tag along.  No phone numbers.  No dates.  I've been alone.  And because of how I look.  I guess I'll get over it eventually.  After all what's so great about the opposite sex?  I hear women talk about so many problems in relationships and how men behave and all the wrong things that can go wrong.  Maybe I AM better off on my own.  I'll learn to masturbate and, when I'm ready, I'll just go to a clinic and pick out some sperm when I'm ready to have children.  I don't need a man.  These days, no one really does.  There are so many substitutes.  And now love won't stand in my way anymore.  I'll be able to focus on my career and provide the best that I can for my children.  I was silly to feel I needed a man.  I can do without.  Thanks all.  I don't need any comments.

I am really sorry you feel so bad about yourself right now.  I hope it's only temporary and that you don't dwell on it for too long.

Immature - I didn't mean "not where you should be in life" - I have no idea where you SHOULD be, and I don't know exactly how old you are (you seemed to suggest about 19/20).  I do think that generalizing all men, dramatically assuming that you can kiss having children goodbye, and not having very much patience indicates a certain lack of maturity/adultness.

What you're doing right now is called "all-or-nothing thinking". Just because you haven't had a boyfriend yet doesn't mean you won't ever have a boyfriend. You're also overgeneralizing. You think that just because the only (and this isn't true in my experience, I'm also extremely young looking and haven't had this issue to the nth degree like you say) men that find you attractive are perverts means that the only men who will ever be attracted to you are perverts?

That's like saying that because the only people I ever see eating cake at restaurant are overweight means that only overweight people eat cake at restaurants. Or that because the only women I've ever seen who got manicures were extremely vain means that all women who get manicures are extremely vain. It's just not true.

And to say that you would never date a skinny guy who's under 5'7" is foolish. I know from my own experience. When I was first starting to date, I said to myself that I was not and would never be attracted to black guys. I wanted a  super-white, tall (over 6'), brown-haired, blue-eyed guy who was a joker but could still be serious. I'd like you to meet my husband, Britney (yes, Britney. Most people call him Brit for obvious reasons). He's a just under 6', yummy dark caramel-colored, black-haired, super-dark brown-eyed  guy who's serious most of the time but indulges my joker side at least once a day to make me crack up and fall over laughing. He was the first black man I've ever been attracted to and he's the person I've been most attracted to EVER. I wasn't looking for him, but he found me and we've been together 2 1/2 years, married 8 months. Been friends for close to 5 years. 

To sum it up, don't write off a whole category of men especially on a physical technicality. If you do, then you're just like the men that write you off because you look young.

you do sound young, and that isn't a bad think b/c you ARE young... give it time, enjoy it while you can... a lot can and will change b/w now and the danger age of not being able to have children.... Looking back 8 years, I am a different person- I've grown a lot and am going in a completely different direction than I would have thought when I was 20 or even 25 for that matter...

Maybe you should think about giving the short guys a chance (how do you expect anyone to give you a chance if you won't give others a chance?) I had a certain type that I honestly had never been/never thought I would be/never wanted to be attracted to- guess who I gave a chance? Yep that never ever would I date guy and I think he is HOT and we have a great time together and I am excited to spend the rest of my life with him.

Just give it time, love yourself, and have patience....

I didn't have a girlfriend, or any kind of love interest, 'til I was 20. You'll find someone soon enough.

I think you're 100% entitled to your feelings. Been there. Said all of it (for different reasons but)...felt all of it. Yelled it from rooftops. If I am so funny and so lovable and so smart and so awesome and boys still don't like me it HAS to be my physical self, right? It's beyond our comprehension and it hurts. Of course, you have no idea who sees you in a whole different light than you do if they don't verbalize it.

Sometimes though, maybe you just aren't HEARING it. I know, eye roll...but it's true.

It took me until I was 21 or so to start attracting guys. And then I attracted a lot of them. Too many. And I soaked up the attention like a sponge---and once they left after a brief stay, I was still a sponge...heavy, mushy, and wrung out.

Give yourself today to feel like crap. But speaking as someone who has always been rather well endowed in the personality department, somewhat easy on the eyes (minus always being the curvy bigger than the others one), and still only had ONE relationship at 33---please believe me when I'm not belittling you by saying you have to snap out of it eventually. You're right, confidence isn't everything. It helps though, it really and truly helps. Fake it if you have to for a while...sooner or later it will come naturally.

You're young, hon---Mr. Right NOW is what you really need. Forever can come later. Or maybe it won't. But you have to allow yourself to have the fun you have you only can when you're a young woman. Keep working on yourself and know that while you're learning to love yourself (the. hardest. lesson. you. will. ever. learn.), the rest of it will fall into place. There WILL be men who find you attractive. You might even find them attractive as well. And on that note, I beg of you. I PLEAD OF YOU...when you find that guy to date, for the love of dog do NOT end your search there because you figure no one else will ever want you. I've seen it happen and end badly too many times.

One more thing:
"Maybe guys are intimidated by you?"

MortalMonkey, I'm not trying to diss you, kiddo....but that line has been uttered to women who couldn't find a man for years. My mother has said it to me eleventy seven thousand times, and it feels like an insult to me. And to all my girlfriends who have heard it as well. I'm positive you didn't mean it at all negatively, but we interpret it one of two ways:

a) Maybe you're so hot they're nervous to talk to you (we call bull **** on that one. I've seen men around hot girls. Like flies on ****, baby)

b) You're too strong in the personality department and that scares them. (wait, wait, wait. So am I supposed to be the "woe is poor little old me" girl? But I thought my personality was the thing that gave me a shot? Now I have to change that too???)

In short, Peach...this too shall pass. I promise. It sure doesn't help that right now it's your world, I know. I KNOW.

Nothing in the world is sexier than a woman who is having fun. Whether you're out at a bar or dirty and hiking in the middle of the woods, take solace in the things you LOVE and let that be your relationship for now. There's time for it all, and I would hate for you to spend this half of your life wishing for the other half.