I'm not sure how I should feel

I have been married to my husband for 2 years. I gave birth to my third child, his first, 7 months ago. Since giving birth I have struggled with getting the weight off and have actually managed to gain weight. The other night I asked my husband to be honest and tell me if he didn’t know me and saw me at my current size would he be attracted to me. His answer was no. This was a devastating blow to my already damaged self-esteem. I am so embarrassed about my weight I don’t even go out in public anymore and this just seemed to push me over the edge. He answered the question truthfully as I requested but I am afraid it has damaged my marriage. Now I don’t want to be touched by him at all. Sex and intimacy is out of the question. I am so self-conscious now I’m not sure what to do. The hurt and anger I have behind his response has given me the determination to get the weight off but I do not think I will ever look at him the same.

Original Post by moniqueperfectatan8:

I have been married to my husband for 2 years. I gave birth to my third child, his first, 7 months ago. Since giving birth I have struggled with getting the weight off and have actually managed to gain weight. The other night I asked my husband to be honest and tell me if he didn’t know me and saw me at my current size would he be attracted to me. His answer was no. This was a devastating blow to my already damaged self-esteem. I am so embarrassed about my weight I don’t even go out in public anymore and this just seemed to push me over the edge. He answered the question truthfully as I requested but I am afraid it has damaged my marriage. Now I don’t want to be touched by him at all. Sex and intimacy is out of the question. I am so self-conscious now I’m not sure what to do. The hurt and anger I have behind his response has given me the determination to get the weight off but I do not think I will ever look at him the same.

 I don't know you or your husband, but do you think that there may have been a method to his madness?  Maybe he felt you needed a push in that direction in order to make yourself healthy.  I don't know.  Maybe I am just a glass is half full kind of guy.  I wish you the best in your quest towards better health and your marriage

JTH

jigglethehandle, I can definitely relate with you on that!  My husband doesn't even need me to ask him howI look, he'll flat out tell me that I'm fat and make oinking noises at me when I eat.  I do get upset and hurt by it but it definitely motivates me to stay  on track with my diet and excercise.  I know my husband loves me and is just being honest, and I have to respect that because if he tried to lie to me and tell me I looked great I would know it was a lie and it would make me feel even worse.  But also look at it this way, when you start to lose some weight and your husband tells you you look great, at least you'll know that he's being honest and not just saying it to spare your feelings.  I know that's small consolation because it is very hurtful and discouraging to know that you are not attractive to your partner, but maybe that's the motivation you need to start doing something about it.  I know that's what I needed! And it's going to give me great satisfaction to rub it in his face when I do lose the weight! 

Welcome aboard.  Something I learned last summer was that you have to do it for you.  Last June, I was 295lbs and dropped to 286lbs and then fell off the wagon.  I grew to 304lbs in January and knowing that I could do it has kept me motivated.  I weighed in this morning at 277lbs and I feel so much better.  If my wife has noticed, she hasn't made it public, which is a little bit hurtful.  She is also overweight and not interested in the lifestyle change that I am trying to embrace.  Quite honestly, she has made it difficult for me.  I have been much more successful during the week at work than on weekends at home. 

Good luck to you

jigglethehandle,

Thank you for your reply. Hearing another man’s point of view makes it a lot easier to understand. I get where he is coming from because when he met me I was a physically fit soldier even after having two kid, and I owe it to him and myself to get back to a healthy weight.

Original Post by jigglethehandle:

I have been much more successful during the week at work than on weekends at home. 

Good luck to you

 I totally agree, when I am at work it is so much easier to stick to a diet because I am not surrounded by temptation.  I bring my lunch to work and I eat at my desk so I don't even have to go in the break room and see what other people are eating.  But on the weekends it is so much harder to stick to a healthy diet because my husband is not on a diet (and doesn't need to be!Darn it!) and he always either wants to eat out or eats junk food at  home.  It is so hard to eat healthy when I really want to eat a greasy cheeseburger or some french fries and I see him eating it!   

cyndgriffith,

I agree that it will definitely motivate me to do better but it was still so hurtful because that is not usually him. He will usually tell me whatever he thinks I want to hear to spare my feelings and this time he didn’t. He told the truth and I have to deal with it and get the weight off!

Jiggle The Handle

jigglethehandle,

Amen to that!! Running 6 miles a day in the Army or doing a 12 hour shift on my feet in the hospital definitely helped to keep the weight off. I would get so busy that I would actually forget to eat altogether so weight was never an issue. Transitioning to a stay at home mom has helped in packing on the pounds. I have to focus on creating a daily schedule and sticking to it. I need to get up, get moving, and not eat out of boredom.

Monique:

Men are often blunt and to-the-point and when communicating with other men and in business or industry or in military, that is a well-respected attribute.  Your husband probably didn't mean to insult you. 

In my opinion, the worst thing you can do for him, for you, for the family and the marriage is to cut him off from the marital act.  That is a declaration of war and it is dangerous in the sex-saturated culture we live in.  Your self-esteem should come from your understanding that you are made in the image and likeness of God.  Husbands blow it, wives, blow it, we get hurt - that's life.  But God loves you very dearly and is extremely proud of you.

Take baby steps on the weight loss and celebrate small victories.  Be there for your husband and he will be there for you.  Cutting him off in bed is a recipe for bitterness, loneliness, resentment and frustration for your entire family.

abnjumpmaster56m

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. You are right about everything. He is a very mild-mannered person and often avoids conversation likes these for fear that he will say the wrong thing. I have put everything I have into getting the weight off and in the mean time I am working on a way to let my guard down with him. God loving me is what matters but every women wants to be beautiful to their husband. A work in progress.

Monique:

As much as it sounds like a cliche, your inner beauty is the real radiance that captures your husband's attention and stirs his affections (1 Peter 3:3-6).  You sound like you have a strong faith - that's awesome, and we sure need the grace of God in all we do, especially matrimony.

Men communicate soooooo differently from women, its almost like learning a foreign language.  Women might want to hear affirming words or have a husband listen intently to their troubles, while a man might want to rub your shoulders or snuggle a bit to say he cares. 

Believe me, Monique, I do NOT have this all figured out!  21 years of being married and its still really hard.  People who come from broken homes also have a steeper hill to climb than those who came from strong, intact families.

Men are going to say abrubt, blunt things WITHOUT the intent to hurt their wives.  Its a learning process for us.   Everyday is a new day - start fresh with an empty slate and a willingness to accept as you want to be accepted.  May God give you strength to accomplish your weight loss/fitness goals and patience with yourself as you journey along the way.

Blessings,

Johnny

Johnny,

I was skeptical about joining and participating in group discussions, because I didn’t think it would help but I was wrong. You are right men communicate differently than women and while I need his support much more than he knows he is not sure how to give it. That is where these group discussions have come into play. Your words of encouragement are exactly the motivation I have needed to face myself, love myself, and fix what is wrong. Thank you! Tomorrow is a new day and all I ask is that God make tomorrow a little easier than today.