Infertility and nosey people

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year.  We are going to the doctor next week to start the infertility work up.  My question is this- What do you tell people who just don't seem "to get it?"  I have coworkers who quiz me as to why I don't have children.  If I actually tell them how I am having difficulty, they proceed to tell me how they can sneeze and end up pregnant.  I have friends who know I have been trying and constantly ask if I am pregnant yet.  When I tell them no, they give me unsolicited tips. Then there are the family friends who ask why we are waiting so long, don't we know that we aren't getting younger?  Has anyone else gone through this?  How did you deal with it?  

I know how you feel. My husband & I have been trying for #2 for 2 years & in that time I've had 1 miscarriage & an ectopic pregnancy. People who don't "get it" can say some really hurtful things, but I think generally their intentions are good.

I told friends & family about our situation & almost everyone stopped asking after my first miscarraige. I was open with them about how painful it is going through this & how hard it is waiting.

Does your family know you're hurting? They can't be more sensitive if they don't know they're hurting you.

I have a nosy aunt who sometimes asks out of poor impulse control. I say "not yet" & move on with conversation. It feels like a slap in the face but I know she has good intentions.

To strangers I say "it will happen when god blesses us" & move on. I'm not Christian, but for whatever reason this seems to shut people up.

Sending you lots of baby vibes,

~c

Thanks for your reply.  My family is pretty good about it.  My mother had a lot of difficulty getting pregnant with me.  Like I said, I have more problems with coworkers and friends.  Like you, I am not Christian and have used the "when god blesses us" comment.  I get mixed results.  What is amazing is that I am a nurse and fellow nurses still don't get it when I say that.  I actually had a doctor (at work) tell me "You have to have sex to get pregnant, how hard can that be."  I finally snapped back, "Pretty hard for people who are infertile."  He shut up really quickly. 

I have one friend who is currently pregnant and she asked if we had just given up or something.  We had been trying for awhile and she and her husband planned for their first kid to be born this May.  Luckily for them, their plans worked.  She calls me every month, asking if I am pregnant yet.  She just keeps saying that wishes we could be pregnant together.  I know she means well, but I wish she would get a clue.

 Wishing you luck!  

E 

 

 

That's awful... & I can't believe the doctor said that to you! Just proves that 10 years of college doesn't make you a better person. 

I had a friend who miscarried when I was pregnant with our first. I would NEVER even think of asking her if she had given up, I knew how devastated she was. She finally got pregnant when my daughter turned 1 & now has a beautiful baby boy. She's my inspiration.

Some people just don't understand. We shall overcome, right?

 

Oh that's awful!  I was dying to have a baby for years, and people kept asking us the same question...when are y'all going to have a baby?  Ugh!!!!  For us, it was a financial issue.  We simply could not afford it.  It tore my heart out everytime someone asked.  I'm sorry people are so insensitive...or just plain clueless!

Hi, yes i understand this all too well. My husband and i tried ( had sex no protection) for 8 years and had to go to the fertility clinic to finally get pregnant. Now i have  a beautiful two year old, we are trying again adn are having no luck...we have been trying for 2 years and nothing. I see my friends getting pregnant by mistake and my sister just had her 5th baby. People can be insensitive but i don't think they mean to be. My Husbands Aunt put her hand on my stomach and asked if we had any news....what was that about?!?

I too can't believe that doctor was so unprofessional and rude to you...what an ass.

Anyway, good luck....i pass you some baby dust.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

I worry about this too...so me and my husband lie, in a nice way. I see these other couples struggling with infertility and know the added pressure of constant questioning must make it so much worse.

So, from day one, my husband and I said that we wanted to wait just a few more years, we're trying to get our traveling out of the way. We acknowledge that we really do want kids but we're just going to get some things done first. What people don't know is that we are trying now...it's been two months. Then if it happens, it will be a happy surprise to everyone. If it doesn't happen for a few years...well, isn't that what we prepared everyone for.

It's a very private issue that you may have to protect yourself against.

Honestly, I lied for the longest time.  Now I feel that I shouldn't have to.  I guess it is because we have been married almost 9 years and have been a couple 12.  We already traveled the world together, to include living in Europe for 4 years.  I guess all those excuses are past us.  We freely admit to those we love what our problems are.  It is the coworkers and friends who don't understand our pain that bug me more.  It is really difficult for me, because I have 3 showers to go to in the next month.  It seems that everyone wants to give their advice when they hear you have been trying.  I swear, I am going to slap the next person who tells me to prop my butt up on a pillow or use an ovulation prediction kit.  I have my appointment in a week. 

*hug*

I'm still amazed that people are so rude as to ask such questions!  I have not had the baby question yet b/c we're still working with the "when are you going to get married?" issue.  My BF and I have discussed the baby question at length b/c I want to make sure that we are on the same page for that day (which will most likely be our wedding day).  Since I find it so rude that people ask in the first place, I have decided to show them how rude they are and tell them that I am not able to have babies.  One of my friends did this and people were shocked.  It does make people realize how rude they are being.  I don't know when everyone's uterus became public concern, but I think we all need to make it clear that having children is a private matter.  I feel so bad for you and I hope that everyone backs off.  I'm sending you all of my baby dust since I don't need any right now!  Good luck!

Good luck to you.  I know what it's like to want children and not have them.  I was 35 when we married and got pregnant and miscarried right away.  I thought that I was to be the aunt/stepmom/godmother all my life.  Two years ago, one week shy of our 9th anniversary, I gave birth to a beautiful boy.  He was a complete and total surprise, I thought that I had started menopause.  Hang in there and I hope that it will happen for you.  Tell people to mind their own business.  I know they mean well but I also know it hurts.  You can say things like "It's not for lack of trying" and walk off - that might do the trick.  If it doesn't just tell them you don't want to talk about it.  It's your life and it's your right.  If you don't feel up to the showers get a gift card and send it by someone else.  The person having the child will understand.  There was I woman I was working with when I found out I was pregnant who was going through fertility treatment at the time and it hurt me so bad to tell her that I was pregnant.  She was happy for me but so sad for her and I understood.

Even though you say you are not Christian you can use all the help you can get and you and your husband will be in my prayers (if this is alright with you).  I wish you all the best with your treatment.  Keep us updated if you feel like it.  We will be thinking of you!

ask them something equally rude, like i heard you have hemorrhoids... how are those treating you? or i heard you needed surgery to get your head out of your ass, hows that going?

or most people have brains by your age, when are you going to get one?

 

if you check out the online blogging community about infertility (alittlepregnant.com, julia.typepad.com, lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com , cyclesista.com, etc) you will see this is a common rant for infertiles and there is a lot of advice for dealing with the question. good luck!

 

(edit: spelling mistakes) 

Original Post by kell115:

I don't know when everyone's uterus became public concern, but I think we all need to make it clear that having children is a private matter. 

LOL!  Maybe that's a good line to use.... "I don't know when my uterus became public concern...." 

I guess I never thought of just saying that, but it is a good way to say none of your business!!

I've spent years wondering about the motivation behind those questions. I think most people do not mean to be rude - they just don't think about what they are asking before they speak.

That said, it's impolite to ask such personal questions of anyone. And, if you are going to ask such questions, you need to be prepared for whatever answer you get in return.

I can't have children due to ovarian tumors. When we first got married, I'd get really angry when people would ask me those questions. Now, depending on who is asking me, I either tell them straight out that I cannot have children (adopting is not financially possible for us right now) or I ask sweetly, "Why do you ask?" Either answer throws most people off - the direct response usually shocks them and the return question is not expected - generally works for me :)

At any rate, I wish you much luck next week and on this journey!

Why did I never think of the "Why do you ask?" response?  I guess that would really throw people off and perhaps make them realize they are asking questions that are none of their business.  I am going to the doctor next week.  I will see what he says.  I am sure my irregularity is the root of the problem, but I need to find out what is causing that.  Wish me luck. 

there really are some bold people at your work!  Offering advice as to positions.  How's rude... I like the comments about your uterus not being of public concern... as well as simple none of your business.

I read this post, as although we have one daughter... I can't have another.  Had a hysterectomy after uterine cancer in 2005.  Wanted a 2nd... wasn't in the plan.  It was hard to deal with at the time, but we are tickled to have the daughter we have.  When people first meet us and see we have a 4 year old...eventually they ask...so when are you guys going to have another?  I ususally say... were fine with one.  If they ask more than 2x...then I tell them I had cancer at 30.  Usually they are one's looking foolish.  Maybe they will stop asking such personal questions...

I cross my fingers that the world evens out a bit...that the sweet nurturing intelligent people are allowed babies to love and that the mean idiotic crack heads go infertile!  Can't hurt to hope. ;)

Original Post by ciosa1020:

I cross my fingers that the world evens out a bit...that the sweet nurturing intelligent people are allowed babies to love and that the mean idiotic crack heads go infertile!  Can't hurt to hope. ;)

 I fully agree with you I sent ekp a note about our experience in her mail box, my husband and I are unable to have children so we became foster parents. Just in the last 5 years we've been the parents to 13 babies.

It's frustrating to see how bio parents are able to starve,beat,and neglect their babies yet the Canadian court system wants the case workers to exhaust and basically prove that they are unfit to parent which in some cases because they belong to a native band they may not be adoptable. We've had our little one for a year now and we still have the risk of losing him.

I consider myself  a parent to 13 children even though others may not see it that way even if they don't live here anymore they are still my babies. 

Hi, although I 'm new to the game (recently married in 11/2007) I'm getting tons of questions of....are you pregnant, so do you want kids, when are the kids coming? etc!  It sort of frustrates me and makes me feel pressured.  I find myself going down the "lie" routine, saying - "oh, we're going to enjoy each other and our marriage first" -- etc.  However, we are secretly trying and I'm afraid to tell anyone because I also feel as if we'll have difficulty conceiving.  We've been using natural family planning method to avoid pregnancy for the past several months, and this past February was the first time we've used it to try to conceive.  (Have you heard of it?)  So far no luck (but my period is 1 week late! I've taken two pregnancy tests and both turned out negative. I'm not sure what the deal is yet, so I may call the doctor by the end of the week if I still dont have my period.)  Anyways, I'm afraid that I'm in the same boat, and I can completely understand the anxiety you must feel when faced with tons of insensitive questions from others who can conceive by just "looking" at their spouse.    I'll also cross my fingers for you (as well as myself). 

Ciosa1020, people must feel so foolish when they ask that question of you and find out the truth.

I have to say, I am so glad I made this post.  I was beginning to feel that I was being too sensitive, that I was the only one who had my problem.  Now I realize that the casual acquaintances in my life are the ones who are overstepping their boundaries.  I back away from the conversation rather than admit that we are having fertility problems, but everyone here has helped me realize that I don't need to make that explanation to those people.  

On another note.  I went to the dr yesterday and he said that from my history, he thinks I am not ovulating.  Regardless, history is not everything and we have to start testing at square one.  He is still going  to evaluate my husband, but he also started the blood tests on me.  Now I just need to see if the insurance will cover the testing.  Ugh! 

  

Here's a "BIG HUG " and good luck on your tests

 

Take care