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Is infidelity ever the kindest choice?

I created this new login because I wanted to ask this confidentially

I'm a man and have been married for more than a decade to a woman, but have always been bisexual, and was open about this fact with my wife before we got married.

I was crazy about her then and we had a good sex life. After the initial shock, she seemed to accept it at the time, but after we were married she sometimes made disparaging comments about it and eventually decided that she wanted us to not talk about it and simply act as though I was totally straight, which I guess was okay, since nobody really asks about those things - I have never been in a position of having to lie about it, and my folks and friends from before have known since I was 20, and I certainly never took it back.

We eventually had kids and then after that, our intimacy dwindled (and my weight rose). She said she would be crazy about me again if I lost weight, and I did, and have kept it off for a few years, but the sex has been about 2-3 times a year since then. Usually I get a "no". She has recently said that since we've had the kids she'd just as soon not do it anymore and that I can take care of those things myself.

I had been faithful to her all of these years, but being told this I kind of felt like I no longer should feel obligated to. We still have a good platonic relationship for the most part, and I'm pretty sure that if we divorced she would not be able to handle the kids or make any money, and I really feel like the kids are better off with both of us.

I thought of asking her for an "open relationship" since she no longer wants a sexual one, but knowing her, I doubt she would go for that. She'd resent me "going out and having fun", even occasionally.

Right now it's not as though I have any prospects, (there is a man at work who I am very infatuated with but he works in one of our offices hundreds of miles away 95% of the time, and I don't know his orientation or if he's even remotely interested) but having just a best friend at home is not satisfying. I really miss having that passion.

Since I've gotten in shape, I feel like I am getting a lot more positive attention when I go out. If the opportunity arose for an affair, I think I'd take it, especially with a guy - mainly since relationships with women are always so much more complicated - I think it would be easier than seeing a woman on the side, for sure.

Would I be a horrible person if I had a (safe) fling on the side until such time as the kids are grown, and then we can reevaluate whether there is any point in continuing the marriage in some form or other then?

There are a few other things that make life difficult for us - she is religious and I am not - at ALL.

Should I remain a monk in this marriage?

Put pressure on her or get therapy to try to get our sex life back, even though the way she's treated me over the years has pretty much left me feeling horrible and no longer in love with her? (although I still do care a lot about her)

Fool around very discreetly so that nobody gets hurt?

Get a divorce? I think she'd be the most hurt by that. She actually seems quite content with the way things are right now...

 

I'm leaning towards trying to find a discreet 'friend with benefits' on the side, and thinking that it would be the best of several less than ideal choices.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm going to get ripped a new one for this post. Maybe I deserve it, but please, I'm an agnostic so I really don't need any comments or advice based on "biblical principles" or whatever.

No, sneaking around on her is not the kind thing to do.

I think you should get into therapy.

And I'm restraining myself from giving you hell about the stretch marks comment.  I'll just sit here telling myself that if you were still "in love" with her, such things wouldn't matter much at all.

Original Post by juliemae2:

No, sneaking around on her is not the kind thing to do.

I think you should get into therapy.

And I'm restraining myself from giving you hell about the stretch marks comment. I'll just sit here telling myself that if you were still "in love" with her, such things wouldn't matter much at all.

It's obviously no fault of her own, I know. But if I had had testicular cancer and she made an honest comment that it turned her off would you condemn her? People cannot help what is a turnon or a turnoff, and I'm sorry, but men are much more visual creatures than women.

I wonder if she would even go. She has already said that she thinks sex is just for making kids and that she doesn't want any more kids (frankly, neither do I.)

 

I think people are afraid to touch this post.

I have a hundred things I could say but I keep deleting them.

I don't know. I have to think.

i lost my connection for a minute or two, but this is what i tried to say:

this is a rationalization and a half.

my opinion: either fix the relationship or leave.  don't try to have it both ways and then pretend you're doing it for her sake.

Original Post by soglialoro:

I think people are afraid to touch this post.

I have a hundred things I could say but I keep deleting them.

I don't know. I have to think.

I was scared to post it. In retrospect it's easy to say I shouldn't have married this person. Maybe I could have made it work with a more open-minded type person, but at the time my judgment was clouded by infatuation and love.  I still love her, but am just not in love with her anymore.  I feel like I'm screwed whatever I do, but the way things have been the last couple of years has been hell.  We are friendly on this certain level, but without the intimacy anymore I feel so LONELY.  Even though I am surrounded by my family all the time.

I am surprised that she married you if she was so religious and she knew you were bi-sexual..

Original Post by pgeorgian:

i lost my connection for a minute or two, but this is what i tried to say:

this is a rationalization and a half.

my opinion: either fix the relationship or leave. don't try to have it both ways and then pretend you're doing it for her sake.

I've certainly considered that. We are of pretty limited means. She has no prospects for making anything more than a minimum wage income, so even if we do split up, basically all we will have done is doubled our housing costs and seeing my kids will be more inconvenient for one of us.  I'll still be totally responsible for the financial burden, but it will be for 2 households.

Knowing her, I seriously doubt she would remarry.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

this is a rationalization and a half.

my opinion: either fix the relationship or leave.  don't try to have it both ways and then pretend you're doing it for her sake.

 Yep.

have you ever sat down and discussed everything? The way you are explaining her it seems that it's the way it is and she is not going to try to work it out? Am I wrong? Would she try work on your relationship?

Please do not stray... Cheating is never the right thing to do, in my op.

Original Post by elpinko:

Original Post by juliemae2:

No, sneaking around on her is not the kind thing to do.

I think you should get into therapy.

And I'm restraining myself from giving you hell about the stretch marks comment. I'll just sit here telling myself that if you were still "in love" with her, such things wouldn't matter much at all.

It's obviously no fault of her own, I know. But if I had had testicular cancer and she made an honest comment that it turned her off would you condemn her? People cannot help what is a turnon or a turnoff, and I'm sorry, but men are much more visual creatures than women.

I wonder if she would even go. She has already said that she thinks sex is just for making kids and that she doesn't want any more kids (frankly, neither do I.)

 

I'm not condemning you.  LOL.  I'm just feeling sorry for myself over here and wondering if my husband thinks the same thing about my battle scars.  I've decided to believe that he doesn't.

But back to the original topic, if she wants to keep the marriage she will go to counseling with you.  If not, she won't.  It's not all about your sex life and I don't think it should be presented to her that way.  You are dissatisfied with the relationship and you are feeling like you might seek comfort outside of it.  Rather than doing that right off the bat, why not at least try to make things better first.  If it doesn't work out, at least you can say you tried. 

I think that's the honorable way to go about changing things. 

Do try not to convince yourself that cheating on her would be honorable.

Original Post by juliemae2:

Original Post by elpinko:

Original Post by juliemae2:

No, sneaking around on her is not the kind thing to do.

I think you should get into therapy.

And I'm restraining myself from giving you hell about the stretch marks comment. I'll just sit here telling myself that if you were still "in love" with her, such things wouldn't matter much at all.

It's obviously no fault of her own, I know. But if I had had testicular cancer and she made an honest comment that it turned her off would you condemn her? People cannot help what is a turnon or a turnoff, and I'm sorry, but men are much more visual creatures than women.

I wonder if she would even go. She has already said that she thinks sex is just for making kids and that she doesn't want any more kids (frankly, neither do I.)

 

I'm not condemning you.  LOL.  I'm just feeling sorry for myself over here and wondering if my husband thinks the same thing about my battle scars.  I've decided to believe that he doesn't.

But back to the original topic, if she wants to keep the marriage she will go to counseling with you.  If not, she won't.  It's not all about your sex life and I don't think it should be presented to her that way.  You are dissatisfied with the relationship and you are feeling like you might seek comfort outside of it.  Rather than doing that right off the bat, why not at least try to make things better first.  If it doesn't work out, at least you can say you tried. 

I think that's the honorable way to go about changing things. 

Do try not to convince yourself that cheating on her would be honorable.

 I agree 110%... lol.. I concur.

It's sort of an impasse isn't it? A partner should not have to have sex if they don't want to, but no one should be forced to live like a monk either. If she's not open to the idea of a marriage counselor or possible an honestly open relationship (different from sneaking around), it may be for the best that you two seperate.

Also, you write that she has disparaged your bisexuality and that you "don't love her anymore" after the way she's treated you. If that's the case is it fair for either of you if you stay in this relationship? And should you be "not allowed" to talk about something that's part of your identity?

You said you're worried divorce would "hurt her", but if you sneak around and she finds out somehow, that could hurt her too.

Original Post by soglialoro:

I am surprised that she married you if she was so religious and she knew you were bi-sexual..

Her religion is unusual in that it is not dogmatic and doesn't have proscriptions about sex.  The conflict is only from the fact that she is consumed with the religion all the time and it detracts from other activities.  Her problem with bisexuality is strictly her own feelings about it, not the religion.

To her credit, she has made some progress in those years and has come to understand LGBT people as more than just the caricatures she grew up believing in.

Even if we somehow worked this out, I think I would want to tell my kids about it when they're old enough because if I didn't, they would probably find out from a friend or family member eventually.

Original Post by elpinko:

Fool around very discreetly so that nobody gets hurt? 

 

 I'm honestly not sure that this is possible.  I've been cheated on by guys who thought they were being discreet (obviously I found out)  One of them actually got away with it.  We've been broken up for something like 3 years now, I only found out recently that he had been cheating most of the time we were together.  It still kinda hurt to find that out, even though I don't have any of those feelings for him anymore.

Even if you do get away with it and she never gets wise to it, it's a little presumptuous to assume that NOBODY's going to get hurt.  What about the person you cheat with?

I'd try the therapy angle.  Or at the very least talk the whole issue out with her.  She does have a right to decide if she wants to be in a relationship with a person who is having sex with other people.  Maybe she'll be ok with it and maybe not, but at least you'll KNOW where she stands.  If you just go out and have "flings" with other people without telling her, you're basically forcing her into that open relationship that you say you don't think she'd approve of (even if she doesn't know it).  Well, to me, that's VERY disrespectful to a person you still care for.

You both deserve to be in a relationship that you're satisfied with.  You say she seems content, but have you asked her?

I agree soglia... could write a book on this one.

elpinko... sounds like you have already decided what you are going to do, and you know it's "wrong", but are looking for one person to agree with you to make it "right", at least in your head. I don't think you are going to find it here, unless there are some unfeeling members of our gendre reading this. It sure as hell won't be a woman.

One question: What would you want your wife to do if YOU were the sexually uninterested one?

well to me bisexual means non-preference, you can go both ways, a person's PARTS are not what matters but the person themselves. so it doesn't matter with WHAT you sleep around with, its the WHO part that matters.

not to get down on you or anything but this is an example of why many people (including many gays) are very hesitant of bi sexual people. a committed relationship is a committed relationship, there are no excuses.

EDIT: and im saying this as a person that thinks sex can be a very important part of a relationship. so i can understand your frustration but you must not let it drive you to do something that you will later regret because of the pain you caused. i think you need to be up front with her & yourself. it sounds like you both may be just a tad bit selfish, she doesn't seem to want to address your very real needs & you seem to just want the freedom to fool around because she's not meeting your needs.

EDIT: well no real excuses, im sure you can come up with quite a few but you are not being honest with yourself.

Original Post by coffincritter:

It's sort of an impasse isn't it? A partner should not have to have sex if they don't want to, but no one should be forced to live like a monk either. If she's not open to the idea of a marriage counselor or possible an honestly open relationship (different from sneaking around), it may be for the best that you two seperate.

Also, you write that she has disparaged your bisexuality and that you "don't love her anymore" after the way she's treated you. If that's the case is it fair for either of you if you stay in this relationship? And should you be "not allowed" to talk about something that's part of your identity?

You said you're worried divorce would "hurt her", but if you sneak around and she finds out somehow, that could hurt her too.

I said I wasn't in love with her, but I do love her.  I do think there is a slight possibility she might go for an open relationship, but she always complains that I had a fun time in my 20s while she did nothing but work and study and that she resents that she wend straight from that to being a mom, and never really got the chance to let loose. I think she'd see an open relationship as yet another case of me having a ball while she would be left at home with the kids. Not that I would be averse to babysitting, but she is introverted and probably would never go out!

bisexuality is beside the point. 

Original Post by sandy_lang:

I agree soglia... could write a book on this one.

elpinko... sounds like you have already decided what you are going to do, and you know it's "wrong", but are looking for one person to agree with you to make it "right", at least in your head. I don't think you are going to find it here, unless there are some unfeeling members of our gendre reading this. It sure as hell won't be a woman.

One question: What would you want your wife to do if YOU were the sexually uninterested one?

I don't think I have decided at all, although I was leaning one way at the beginning of this.  The overwhelming number of responses are telling me I was wrong, so I do think it deserves some serious consideration.

As for your second question, not sure how to answer it. Like if I was impotent?  Because I have always been "interested". 

I suppose I would be jealous if she fooled around though, and would prefer she approach it honestly and let me go first.

Are you positive that she just doesn't want to be intimate anymore or is she suffering from low libido? Or maybe depression?

Going from studying to kids to mom could maybe have made her stressed or depressed in turn changing her sex drives?