infuriating complications with relationship

i got out of an long abusive relationship with a guy named richard this april.

i did some soul searching and growing up, got kicked out of my house and started college in a short amount of time. i feel i have grown up and changed a lot. i wont put myself in an abusive relationship again

i met a new guy who is just perfect, dominik. we have a lot of common interests, and have grown in the last few months to be extremely close. we love nature, both refuse to eat meat, go on long bike rides together, and share spiritual beliefs.

hes not controlling at all, and fair in his treatment to me, and i with him.

thing is, he is friends with richard's little brother kevin (who is my age) ever since kevin found out we were seeing eachother, he has been so rude about me. and dominik is too passive sometimes, over what kevin says and does period. kevin is more arrogant and aggressive, like his brother. dominik is calm and passive. it normally wouldnt bother me so much, but kevin will not give it a rest, and he (and his brother possibly) make(s) up stories about me to try to convince dominik to leave me. he says im a liar and a lot of other inappropriate phrases. he insults me every time my name crosses his mind. he (or, im convinced, richard) actually wrote a fake email supposedly from me to richard begging him to come back to me, which is ridiculous. he also is rude and insulting to dominik, but he always lets it slide. he understands the issue, and he gets worked up sometimes, but never does ANYTHING. i have tried a lot to get kevin to at least respect me, i went to a lot of trouble to get him something of questionable legality just to show that im down and there to be his friend, but he just laughed (used it anyway though) ive tried talking to him when i pass him at the college, telling him to stop lying about me and to just let dominik be. its to the point that dominik hides my very existence from him out of fear that he will go off on me again. i even emailed richard to tell him to get out of my life, but he just reacted the way any arrogant jerk who refuses to deflate his ego would, and it turned out to be no help, same with everything ive tried with kevin.

he finally broke the final straw with me when i was at dominik's house wearing shorts and he told me to put pants on to cover up the scars on my legs. i wanted to just punch him in the face.

his family is currently living in a house appraised for more than 1 million dollars, and i struggle to have food to eat each week. i feel like i have tried everything to resolve the situation, i am out of ideas. he also doesnt know what to do. does anyone have any advice in this situation

i try not to let it bother me, but after 2 years of being controlled by his arrogant self serving cheating older brother, i refuse to take it anymore. he thinks that we are just going to take it like everyone else does and so he will never "chill out" its been 6 months, im done, i just dont know what to do.

One of two things need to happen.  Your boyfriend needs to drop his so called "friendship" with kevin, or you need to drop your boyfriend.   Your boyfriend should have a real problem with all of this as well, and should either confront kevin or never see him again.  One way or another, you should have no contact with this guy.  Period. 

i completely agree, but dominik WONT do that. i think he feels attached to kevin somehow. and he is just too passive i guess.

is it really fair to him or me to end our relationship because he wont stop seeing his best friend?

ugh

surely there are plenty of blokes where you live who have no connection with your ex who you can date?? Dating someone who has a close connection to your ex is just asking for trouble in my opinion....especially when you relationship wasn't the best

is it really fair to him or me to end our relationship because he wont stop seeing his best friend?

I don't believe it is fair to ask that of him. However, I think it is fair that you tell your boyfriend that you do not want to come into contact with Kevin. Your boyfriend is a grown up and should be able to manage his time so that he can maintain a relationship with both of you by spending individual time with you and Kevin.

If your boyfriend does not want to do this, then he has to choose which relationship he wants to keep. But it really isn't difficult to maintain both...

Why would Dominik want to have anything to do with someone who lies about his girlfriend? Why would you want a boyfriend that won't stand up for you? Personally, it sounds like you are in another abusive relationship--just a different kind. If someone doesn't respect me, or treats me poorly, I DO NOT have anything to do with them... including family!

If Kevin said something rude to me, I would tell him like it is... "go f>>> yourself! If you are so hung up about me dating Dominik, tough s... I don't have anything against you, Kevin, except that you keep trashing me because of some un-due allegiance to Richard. GROW UP! If you can't be nice, get lost." Then keep your side of the bargain. If Kevin isn't somewhat well-mannered after that, avoid him. If Dominik doesn't like it... move on to the next guy who likes to hike, bike, and share good times with...... Good luck.

Original Post by carolann5111:

Why would Dominik want to have anything to do with someone who lies about his girlfriend? Why would you want a boyfriend that won't stand up for you?

 My exact thoughts. 

Dominik may seem 'perfect' but he's far from it.  I dislike aggressive guys, preferring passive ones but he's beyond passive.  Not even speaking up for you is cowardly and he is an enabler for Kevin. 

Im not suggesting he get agressive or threaten Kevin, both outside his nature plus unnecessary.  Not speaking up though is sending a clear message - while he might not approve, its still acceptable. 

As a bully, Kevin knows there are certain people this behavior doesnt fly with. You and Donimik need to mutually confirm your NOT an acceptable target. I could see how, as friends, Domink lets comments slide towards himself but trashing you without that friendship history is not comparable.

As far as your effort to show you were 'down' with Kevin, going out of your way for someone who disrespects you sent the wrong message that despite his disrespect, YOU are trying to win HIM over. There is nothing preventing you from establishing that was then and now is now.

Despite tolerating your ex for two years, you are still being passive with Dominick. Its great youve broke from an abusive boyfriend but youre only standing up for yourself halfway if allow your current one to stand by while your being repeatedly disrespected by one of his friends.  Since Dominiks already passive and speaking up doesnt come naturally to him (not an excuse but a nice guy deserves the opportunity to change this), I think you should be clear how moving forward you will respond to Kevin's bullying and how you expect him to speak up supportively so there can be no doubt with Kevin where you both stand on this and what will be tolerated.  Your not trying to change Dominik from being a passive guy but clarifying there are lines that when crossed by his friends cant be ignored.

wise advice.

im definitely finished with letting that bastard walk all over me. his brother used up all my patience

ill tell dominik to tell him to cut it for real

You probably won't like my advise, but here it is. Cut them all out of your life, pronto!

Older brother: self explaintory

younger brother: douch bag like his older brother

boyfriend: because he is choosing his friends over you. He's already done it. Everytime he doesn't tell them to knock it off he is condoning what they are doing to you.  You did say that he gets worked up about it, but he still sits back and lets them rag on you. I think his reactions this is a tell tale about his feelings towards the relationship. I would give him an ultimatium. Either you tell your buddies to back off or I'm outta here!   

Listen to the lyrics "When a Man Loves a Woman."