Insecure about facebook among other things

My husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years and together for 5. We have two beautiful children and a great life.

I will start off by saying that I have NEVER done anything that would be a cause for concern. Here's my dilemma. My husband absolutely hates that I have a Facebook page. Initially it started out that I had guy friends on my page. I tried to explain that they were just old friends from highschool and nothing more. He continued to express concern, so I deleted them. I really didn't have a problem with that because I understand that it made him feel insecure. But now he still hates that I have a Facebook page and constantly gives me a hard time about it. If I even mention that I talked with someone, he will immediatley ask what men I have talked to. I have given him my login as well as my password. I asked that he check it at random to help ease him. He refuses.

I work in a corporate setting with both females and MALES! If I ever mention that I have to train, talk, or have a meeting with a male, he flips. So, I tend to not even tell him. I hate that I am hiding things, but I don't want to go through the hoopla of defending myself.

I love him so much and I trust him completely. I wish that he did too! How can I get it through to him that I am not constantly out "sausaging" (as he likes to put it)?

He accuses you of "sausaging?"  I've never even heard that verb before, but that's neither here nor there.

This all sounds pretty off to me... and not like it's a problem you're contributing to. 

Given the information you've provided, assuming there's no past history of infidelity, I think he needs counseling to get over his trust and control issues.

His insecurities are way over the top. The fact that you have to be secretive and hide work-related tasks is a danger sign. Him constantly accusing you of "sausaging" is bordering on abuse. It is definitely as sign that he wants to control you.

You need to have a long hard talk with him. I think he needs counseling now before this gets worse.

That sounds incredibly frustrating.  I'm sorry.  He may have serious jealousy issues, which because he is your husband, are both of yours to deal with. It sounds like you did the right thing (as far as trying to explain that it was platonic and inviting him to be part of your facebooking), but I worry that he has some control issues as well. If he is adamant enough to get you to delete your friends on FB and then lie to him about work interactions, trouble is a-brewing.

I think you should nip this in the bud and tell you husband you really feel it needs to be addressed. Express your feelings of what is "normal" and listen to his.  These issues have to come from somewhere, even if they are totally unrelated to you. If he can't communicate his feelings, compromise, or hear you out, I would suggest counseling as well. It should be easy to find free or low-cost counseling in your area. Lots of graduate programs offer free counseling services, too. Perhaps even your suggestion that you seek help will make it clearer that you are firm in your beliefs and are no longer willing to live by his rules.

Good luck.

there are some major insecurities at work here.  and he's being over the top controlling.

i have no advice to offer, but wow, i wish you luck with this one.

Okay, I don't know you...but...if you were my friend, a co-worker or relative I would be truly alarmed by a story such as yours.  No one has the right to control another person especially like that. And while it is easier to say this than to do it, my reaction is: counselling NOW or good-bye. Your husband should be your partner not your boss. Without help, it won't get better. Plus if you decide to have a family with this person, your sons will learn that it is okay to treat women this way and your daughters will learn it is okay to be treated like that.

My BF (whom I live with) had his first marriage end after his ex-wife started an affair with his best friend, moved in with him and has now married him. Now if ever there was a guy who should have trust issues, it is him. But, he doesn't, he trusts me, and I have male friends on Facebook, male friends at work and socially. He has female friends. If either of us are curious about the other's friends, we ask how they know them etc. But I would never ask him to delete a friend for me nor would I do it.

Best of luck to you...I'm sure it isn't easy but only you can make you happy.

I have explained that I felt he was being over the top controlling. He makes me feel like I can't be ME! Does that make sense?

 I have asked that we go to counseling. It is something that we are considering.

The hardest part is trying to explain that I am NOT doing anything wrong and this is an issue that he has to work on. He feels like I am being secretive by having a facebook page. His ex-wife cheated on him and I feel like he is bringing a lot of that insecurity into this marriage. I have told him time and again that I am not her.

I love him and I hate to think that I am letting someone control me. I am strong woman and always told myself that I wouldn't let anyone abuse or control me.

I know that he loves me too and isn't trying to hurt me but I just don't know how much more I can take. UGH! I am so frustrated.

I dont have much advice to offer, all I can say is I was in a similar situation...

I gave all my passwords up to the boyfriend, gave him all my old pictures of boyfriends, let him go through my bank account statement, go through my phone, my email, my cell phone bill...everything.

I didnt realize at the time how controlling and awful the situation had become. It was pure abuse.

I really wish you the best of luck with this. I hope things can get worked out between you and your husband. :( I am so sorry.

by giving him your login and password, you are letting him have control though.  he should trust you.  if you've never given him any reason not to, and he still can't...then that's an issue he needs to look into.

Yeah, you totes need to go to counseling.  I mean, look at all these responses of people who are in agreement that this is ridiculous.

Do yourself (and your family) a favor and makes some calls about counseling tonight. If he won't go, go yourself.

I dated a guy who was over-the-top controlling. He didn't start out that way but some really major things happened while we together, that had a drastic impact on his life, and his personality changed for the worse. It started with "minor" things like what you are describing. Or "stalking" me when I was having nights out with girl friends, things like that. After a couple of years it escalated into abuse, verbal and physical. I left him eventually. It was *horrible.* (And I see priceless7 had a similar experience too with jealousy becoming abuse....)

Not saying your DH will necessarily get like that, but to me these are warning signs of much deeper issues. If he has no reason to suspect you, then he needs help to get over this problem of his. If he does have reason to suspect you (maybe you're very flirty with men, maybe you have cheated, etc.) then you need to prove your trust over time. But sounds like this is something you have not brought upon yourself. I'd say this man needs help. These go way beyond jealousy. If my partner didn't have 100% full trust in me, I would not be okay in that relationship.

Damnit. See what you women do when you cheat on men? You hurt our innocent boyfriends and husbands. Ugh. :(

Personally, I'm dealing with a guy who's been cheated on twice (girlfriends, not wives, though). He gets insecure pretty easily. He says, from time to time, "I'm worried you'll get bored of me and leave me." My god.

How do you react to your husband when he gets insecure about guys on facebook/at work/in general? Are you calm? Do you act offended if he says things like "sausaging"? Do you accuse him of things in return?

The way you react is very important. If you react in a way that is panicky, in his head, it may register that you are trying to hide something. If you accuse him of things, it may seem like you are trying to take the blame and attention from you and throw it on him.

I know it is difficult. My boyfriend has only gotten mean a few times when he was insecure, but I he has not done it in a long time. Instead of deleting male friends and coworkers from your life, why not ask your husband if he would like to meet some of these guys? When he sees that you are not afraid to let him meet these people, and he sees that you interact with them only like a friend, he should feel better.

But yes, you should definitely push for therapy. I would suggest that he goes to one-on-one therapy first. That way he may be able to be more open with a therapist alone. Personally, I think it would be more productive than couples therapy.

Edit to add: You can also go to secondary therapy with the same therapist. This means that you can talk with his therapist (separately) about different ways to react to situations, how to make him more comfortable, etc. I still strongly think that he should see a therapist by himself. His ex-wife cheating on him is probably a very sensitive subject for him, and he may be less willing to open up about it in front of you.

I agree with almost everyone here.  april_bride has a point.  If you look up any information regarding physical and emotionally abusive men, it almost always starts as simple issues like this.

Also--I dated a guy like this once too.  I blamed all of his insecurities on former girlfriends.  I babied him and tolerated much more than usual because life had been so tough for the poor guy.  After he broke my arm I found out that former girlfriend was former wife.  He had pulled a gun on her before.  She didn't cheat on him.  He cheated on her and accused her of it all the time.  He sniffed her underwear.  Creep much?  Then I found out he had been cheating on me as well.  My story was her story.  He's moved on and abused other women since then, and now our story is their story. 

I hope counseling helps, but if I were you I would consider checking into the women's abuse information just so you can see it as it's coming.

Original Post by hannahriedel:

I have explained that I felt he was being over the top controlling. He makes me feel like I can't be ME! Does that make sense?

 it does make sense, and it's NOT ok. i don't care what happened to him in his past, he has no right to make you feel like you are doing something wrong by living your life, working, and interacting with HALF the population. i agree with the folks that say that the way he is treating you is bordering on abuse. "sausaging" just has a really nasty undertone to me.  

Thank you all for your responses. I hate to admit that you are all right. I have known all long. I am not willing to break up the family over this just yet. I really think that counselling is our next option. And if that doesnt work, well then, maybe it is time to move on.

Original Post by muttlover:

Damnit. See what you women do when you cheat on men? You hurt our innocent boyfriends and husbands. Ugh. :(

Personally, I'm dealing with a guy who's been cheated on twice (girlfriends, not wives, though). He gets insecure pretty easily. He says, from time to time, "I'm worried you'll get bored of me and leave me." My god.

How do you react to your husband when he gets insecure about guys on facebook/at work/in general? Are you calm? Do you act offended if he says things like "sausaging"? Do you accuse him of things in return?

The way you react is very important. If you react in a way that is panicky, in his head, it may register that you are trying to hide something. If you accuse him of things, it may seem like you are trying to take the blame and attention from you and throw it on him.

I know it is difficult. My boyfriend has only gotten mean a few times when he was insecure, but I he has not done it in a long time. Instead of deleting male friends and coworkers from your life, why not ask your husband if he would like to meet some of these guys? When he sees that you are not afraid to let him meet these people, and he sees that you interact with them only like a friend, he should feel better.

But yes, you should definitely push for therapy. I would suggest that he goes to one-on-one therapy first. That way he may be able to be more open with a therapist alone. Personally, I think it would be more productive than couples therapy.

Edit to add: You can also go to secondary therapy with the same therapist. This means that you can talk with his therapist (separately) about different ways to react to situations, how to make him more comfortable, etc. I still strongly think that he should see a therapist by himself. His ex-wife cheating on him is probably a very sensitive subject for him, and he may be less willing to open up about it in front of you.

 

Muttlover- my reaction is usually frustration. I usually ask him to "just stop already" it gets so old hearing the same thing over and over and over again.

Original Post by jules817:

Original Post by hannahriedel:

I have explained that I felt he was being over the top controlling. He makes me feel like I can't be ME! Does that make sense?

 it does make sense, and it's NOT ok. i don't care what happened to him in his past, he has no right to make you feel like you are doing something wrong by living your life, working, and interacting with HALF the population. i agree with the folks that say that the way he is treating you is bordering on abuse. "sausaging" just has a really nasty undertone to me.  

 the funny thing is- it is does have such a nasty undertone. I have told him that he makes me feel cheap. Like, what kind of woman does he think I am. He usually laughs when saying it, but still.

Original Post by hannahriedel:

Thank you all for your responses. I hate to admit that you are all right. I have known all long. I am not willing to break up the family over this just yet. I really think that counselling is our next option. And if that doesnt work, well then, maybe it is time to move on.

 i do think that's a good route to take.  but if it doesn't get better...and better means allowing you to feel like you can be 100% you...then you need to get away from him. 

and yeah, sausaging does make you sound cheap.  and that's awful.

Original Post by hannahriedel:

Original Post by jules817:

Original Post by hannahriedel:

I have explained that I felt he was being over the top controlling. He makes me feel like I can't be ME! Does that make sense?

 it does make sense, and it's NOT ok. i don't care what happened to him in his past, he has no right to make you feel like you are doing something wrong by living your life, working, and interacting with HALF the population. i agree with the folks that say that the way he is treating you is bordering on abuse. "sausaging" just has a really nasty undertone to me.  

 the funny thing is- it is does have such a nasty undertone. I have told him that he makes me feel cheap. Like, what kind of woman does he think I am. He usually laughs when saying it, but still.

 laughing when saying it doesn't make it any better. it's hurtful, and it is meant to make you feel cheap. i really think, with the kids involved, that you should try counseling. but you should not be treated that way, and if counseling doesn't work, leave.

oh, and if someone was implying what he's implying over and over, my reaction would be frustration too. and anger.

Something tells me that you already knew a lot of what people have said on here.

I also take it that he doesn't know that you're on CC.

Original Post by jules817:

Original Post by hannahriedel:

Original Post by jules817:

Original Post by hannahriedel:

I have explained that I felt he was being over the top controlling. He makes me feel like I can't be ME! Does that make sense?

 it does make sense, and it's NOT ok. i don't care what happened to him in his past, he has no right to make you feel like you are doing something wrong by living your life, working, and interacting with HALF the population. i agree with the folks that say that the way he is treating you is bordering on abuse. "sausaging" just has a really nasty undertone to me.  

 the funny thing is- it is does have such a nasty undertone. I have told him that he makes me feel cheap. Like, what kind of woman does he think I am. He usually laughs when saying it, but still.

 laughing when saying it doesn't make it any better. it's hurtful, and it is meant to make you feel cheap. i really think, with the kids involved, that you should try counseling. but you should not be treated that way, and if counseling doesn't work, leave.

oh, and if someone was implying what he's implying over and over, my reaction would be frustration too. and anger.

Believe me, it goes much further than anger. He makes me want to strangle him. There have been many times that I have been *this* close to walking out the door. So close that the kids have been packed and ready to go.