Interesting question...

In my intro to psych course I am currently completing a project relating to the habits of mothers influencing their daughters. My question is, is it true? How did your mothers influence your current lifestyle choices? Did they provide a bad (or good) example? If your mother was (is) overweight and you are losing weight, how do you feel "leaving her lifestyle" for your own?

For me, it is totally true. Both of my parents are overweight and have been throughout my whole life. When I was around 14 or so my mom went on Atkins for the "life change" not knowing that it would all come back. From her, I got the idea that those crash diets were a good idea. It wasn't until this year (and this success!) that I've learned that being mindful of calories and just moving more is the best way to go.

You seem to be looking for fat people with fat mothers who are now trying to get thinner..... My mother has always been very small and slim.  She watches her weight (not obsessively) and takes regular exercise.   But her taste in foods is for the fairly bland and traditional  and she doesn't drink alcohol.  So when I 'left her lifestyle' and discovered there was a whole world of amazing foods & wines out there... the net effect was that of a kid in a sweet shop.  I got very fat and had a lot of fun doing so.

However, I would draw the distinction between having behaviour 'influenced' and 'blaming' parents for any subsequent lifestyle choices that I've made.  I tend to think blaming parents is something of a cop-out. 

I can say without hesitation that my mother has influenced my "lifestyle change".  My mother isn't extremely overweight, but she is very self-conscious about her weight and yet doesn't do much to fix it.  I don't want to be that person that knows I can change, but won't.  I feel like if I keep up my healthy eating and exercising, it might influence her to do the same.

In my case, I grew up watching my mother constantly diet and exercise. She wold run miles upon miles each morning and afternoon. And had a VERY strict diet (strict- but knowing what I know now- not by any means healthy).

So as I grew up I guess I sort of developed that "Im always on a diet" lifestyle. I grew up drinking Fat Free milk, diet sodas, egg whites, Fat free cream and yogurts (I dont remember any dairy being in our house that wasnt fat free- except cheese and we dont eat too much cheese), equal, sugar free jams, etc.

Now Im not saying that I didnt eat my pancakes with (lite) syrup, or fast food. Believe me, I ate ALOT as a child and got whatever I wanted. I was just accustomed to "diet" food already.

When I started to take notice in my body, I sort of already knew what to do, what to eat, what not to eat...just by watching my mom.

I doubt this is what you were talking about but I just wanted to add my 2 cents thats pretty much quite the opposite of what you're talking about.

My mom was always doing crazy diets, but never really exercised.  She would go on weight watchers, get to her goal, then gain again.  She would berate herself for "looking fat" or "horrible" and I would see her do this on a regular basis.  I actually have a very clear memory of her CUTTING (with scissors!) herself out of family pictures for our photo album, because she thought she looked fat in that particular photograph! 

I went through self-loathing phases as well.. But then through exercise (since I "discovered" the gym at 17.. later becoming an avid runner, aerobics instructor.. etc) I learned to love my body for what it can do for me.  Even when I put on a few lbs and my clothes are tight, I still can get naked and think I look pretty cute!!  :)

I still struggle though.. which is why I'm on this site.  If I have a daughter, I will keep my weight-related sentiments to a minimum around her, and focus more on leading a healthy lifestyle to FEEL good.  Looking good just happens to come with the territory :) :) :)

Cool thread,

-Dana

My mom was overweight... not obese but maybe 20-30 lbs more than she would like. She LOVED to eat and I definitely inherited that trait, especially eating more than you should eat for junk food like chips & sweets. She never made my brother or I eat vegetables. She didn't really experiment with different recipes, just 10 or so favourites. She always had a ton of food in the house (something I do too. My fridge & cupboards are  fully stocked at all times!) There was ALWAYS chips & chocolate in the house. We had a full cooler of Pepsi products all the time (my father used to work for Coke, then got laid off so we switched to Pepsi). School lunches were always things that we liked, not things that were the best for us and I think that's the main problem: she didn't like to deny her children the foods they loved. Hence why we HAD TO HAVE Pizza Hut every Friday or why I ate chips by the bowlful.

Once I moved away from home and actually learned how to cook, I learned what healthy cooking was about. I can't blame my mom for not knowing about all the aspects of healthy eating and she did do a good job of cooking for us every night & providing good meals so she wasn't a "bad mom", just a little ignorant when it came to a truly balanced diet and totally out-to-lunch when it came to portion control.

My mom and I are so similar when it comes to our eating and where we keep the weight. She was always confident about herself and always taught me the importance of loving yourself - which I couldnt thank her enough for. However, as I've gotten older, she has started to become more open about her struggles with weight, and they are identical to mine. We want so badly to be in shape - but then we binge on something and go off track - don't even get me started on how we justify ourselves either. Basically - yes, my mom influenced me big time when it comes to how I eat and how I struggle with my weight loss efforts.

Wow everyone...Thanks!!

Gi-Jane, that's really interesting. Its the opposite of what I assumed would happened. When I was researching, everything seemed to point to thin mom=thin daughter and overweight mom= overweight daughter. I guess there are lots of psych senarios!

Calisun21, I think you've said something very valuable. Its not always about the physical aspects, but the mental part of it as well. I'm hoping that the same will happen to my mom. When I say "Guess what Momma, I ran today!" she says, "I could never do that". And then half an hour later says "I should really pay attention to what I eat, but I just can't". It's not CAN'T its more of a won't.

Santana90, you bring up a valid point. As a child, if we are used to something from the start, it doesn't seem like we have anything to change. I think that's why parents influence their children so much.

dls337, I love your point about focusing a daughter to FEEL good. A lot of the research I've done is saying "Keep an eye on your daughter's weight and then lead an example to change it", not "lead an example to love herself as well." I think that's the problem with younger and younger kids these days. For instance, my sister sees all of the girls on the TV shows and asks me (my NINE year old sister asks me) if she is fat. I didn't even know how to answer her.

cellophane_star, I feel like I'm reading about myself! At home, it was always Mondays is this meal, Tuesdays is that meal, Wednesdays were ALWAYS spaghetti, and so on. She never experimented. Once I got older, I started suggesting different foods and we'd make them together, but then my little sister and brother wouldn't eat the meal because it was too new. Now that I'm away at school, I'm afraid they'll go back into the rut of not trying anything new. My sister has already said that she hates vegetables if they aren't potatoes or corn. I wish I could show her what she is missing!

ameame, that is so awesome about your mom! That is so awesome that she taught you how to love yourself. I think you've brought up another point that I can use--as mothers and daughters get older, they sort of enter the "journey" together. It goes from being an example to a sidekick. It shows how the relationship changes and grows.

Again, thanks so much for your responses!!!

Do you still need more?

I think food and lifestyle is the biggest source of conflict between my mom and me.  She eats like a bird.  She'll have a (small) bowl of cereal for breakfast, a diet yogurt and some peanut butter crackers for lunch, and usually a normal dinner, but sometimes she'll eat nothing but a bowl of veggies. 

I've never eaten like she does.  I like legitimate, decent sized meals.  But if I ever were to eat a lunch she didn't see as being "big" enough, she'd flip out and accuse me of trying to not eat.  If I said the same thing to her about her tiny meals, she'd get so mad.

I did end up bordering on anorexia my senior year though.  and i found it interesting to think about how my mom eats so little, and how my grandmother has been legitimately anorexic her whole life.  She weighs 90 pounds at the moment.  I never realized it, but I guess I did pick up on the importance my mom places on maintaining a low weight.  I see girls who weigh 20 pounds more than me, and I think they look fine and healthy.  It's just hypocritical that I'd be miserable if I got up to that weight, even though I'd look fine in many peoples' eyes.

I thought this was an interesting post, so thought I would respond. Don't know if you need more info, but here goes.

My mother was always attentive to my weight when I was younger. She was a little overweight herself (10- 20lbs), but didn't really work out, besides an occasional walk, or try to eat in a healthy way. So, when I was overweight as a child, she reacted strongly, trying to put me on a diet, and making a big deal out of the size clothes she was buying me. But she (or my father) never introduced the idea of exercise or eating healthy. Eventually, I developed an eating disorder in high school, anorexia, and upon recovery, had to teach myself how to eat well and take care of my body. My own belief is that she was never able to deal with herself emotionally, so helping her daughters to be balanced, both physically and emotionally didn't come naturally. I don't blame her, I'm just glad I was able to break the cycle, and work towards that balance. I still have issues with my weight, but I can see a lot of the positive as well, thanks in large part to a supportive and loving partner. Unfortunately, my sister is incredibly body concious, and underweight, always comparing herself to others.

Veronica my story is very similar so yours.

My mum was a little bit overweight, not fat but a little bit chubbier than she'd have liked. She didn't really go mad dieting or anything, just went through phases of different plans now and again (I specifically remember 'Rosemary Connelly's Hip & Thigh Diet').

However, I always remember from a very young age her telling me I should ALWAYS keep my stomach sucked in so as not to look fat. I can remember going swimming as a little girl and sucking my belly in with all my might worrying that others would see my belly and think I was fat (I wasn't). She was always reminding me 'Keep your belly sucked in' if she noticed i'd relaxed  it.

I did get slightly chubby at one point as a child, again not fat, just a bit chubbier than I should have been. I was desperate for a pony growing up and when I was nearly 13 my mum told me that I could finally have my pony. The condition was that I lost weight.

By 17 I was borderline anorexic eating roughly around 300 - 500 calories a day and obsessively weighing myself 4 or 5 times a day.

I have had severe self esteem issues all my life, although there were other events in my childhood which have also had a huge impact I think that this was probably not helped by my mum making me so weight conscious from such a very young age. I don't think this was her intention, I know that she loves me very much and wouldn't want to make me feel so inadequate but I think maybe she went the wrong way about things instead of just encouraging healthy eating and exercise. Just the fact that I got a pony was enough to make me lose weight naturally, I was riding my bike to and from the stables, riding, mucking out etc. Maybe if my mum had not constantly drilled it into my head about being 'fat' I might not have grown up with such a disordered attitude to food and body image. Who knows.

My story is more similar to gi-jane's. My mum was always slim when I was a child, and always miserable and dieting. Looking at photos of her as a teenager, she was extremely tiny, probably a UK size 6. As an adult as I knew her, she was a slim, healthy looking woman who felt miserable ALL THE TIME.

I love my mum to PIECES, but I never respected this side of her. Perhaps I should give her a lot of credit for not pushing these attitudes onto me. She never criticised me. I was a normal sized teen, not slim, not fat. I was a larger adult in my early 20s. I think for a long time I considered "losing weight" as a sort of feminist betrayal. In a warped sort of way, I think I really felt how I carried myself was in part, for my mum. You are NOT valued for your dress size, look at me mum, I am far bigger than you, and happy and confident. Maybe that sounds daft. I was also VERY into food, good food, amazing homecooked meals and lots of wine. I never liked junk, but when I learned to cook, I was mostly doing Italian food at first and I was not exercising and I put the weight on. She started asking me for recipes! We both enjoy cooking now (I blame my silly picky brother for how disinterested she was in cooking for enjoyment when I was little!)

My parents are both fitness freaks in the nicest possible way. I think I was quite put off exercise when young also.

For the first time in my teenage/adult life I am smaller than my mum (not much) and to be honest, I miss the old me as much as I like my new body (which I do).

It is an interesting question.  But moms do not just influence daughters, they influence sons as well.

My mom has always been super active and very outdoorsy.  My earliest memories from childhood are memories of hikes we took.  We called them forced marches  lol.

Anyway, even though my mother was never overweight or under-fit she had a terrible body image.  We constantly heard "my thighs are fat".  No amount of excercise was really good enough for my mom either.  She was constantly telling me I needed to excercise.  Yet I walked everywhere in our small town (it was 2 miles from our house), roller skated with my friends, went on hikes with her.  But her mind I was lazy!  I have more stories about my "laziness" but I will save those.

Any way her criticisims deffinately wore me down and I rebelled.  For a long time I thought I was the only one negatively imacted by my mother's body image.  But one day my brother started complaining about his "fat thighs"  lol

Forward to MY son and I know I influence what he does.  As I have gone through this process of changing what I do I have noticed my son making new choices too.  I find him working out with my excercise ball and making comments like "If I improve my posture I will look better".

Now, please understand that my son really is overweight.  But it is difficult for me because my husband tells my son "you arent fat, just a little chubby and you will grow out of it".  But he is more than a little chubby.  My husband and I discuss that we need to limit Theo's access to pop - he makes a few moves but then is taking him to buy pop every day after school.

I tell my son - Theo I love you just as you are.  But I see that show the biggest loser and they all looked like you as a kid.  I dont want you to have to go through what these people do.  So we need to make smarter choices.

I dont force him to do anything but I invite him to take walks with me and when he makes the wrong choice in food I dont say anything.  When he makes the right choice I say "thats a really good choice".  I lead by example as much as possible but I try not to criticise.  But I really dont know if I am going about it the right way or not.  I am sure our mothers did not know either.

double post

My mum, from what she tells me, was always one of those girls growing up who really struggled to keep weight on. She said she always felt like a boy - flat chest, quite tall etc and hated being so thin, and had to eat alot to keep from looking to scrawny.

I think she was very concious of this and never wanted me or my sister to go through those same struggles, so we were always very well fed as children. She always made sure we had a proper breakfast, lunch and home cooked evening meal. We always had Sunday roasts at the weekend and 90% of the food we ate was home cooked, she would bake cakes alot for us and we ate very healthy food (just in large portions!) Consequently, my sister and I were abit overweight in our teenage years as our metabolisms were not quite so rampant, and since moving out and doing our own thing we are both at weights we are happy with now. My mum eats alot of food, but is always really slim. She has huge bowls of oats and cereal and dried fruit at breakfast, soup/sandiwches/salad/cheese etc at lunch, and looadds of veggies in the evening with meat or evegtarian protein sources and things like potatoes or rice. She has quite an active job and goes swimming and walks alot too.

I am so proud of my mum for bringing me up the way she did and setting good examples, even though we are a really poor family! We grew alot of our own fruit and veg in the garden, she taught me how to bake and cook from scratch, apparently she didn't give me chocolate or allow anyone else to (which included arguments with grandparents over treats and easter eggs apprently...) until I was 5 years old. She really made sure I had a good healthy start in life. We never had scales in he house as she didn't want us to focus on our weights, and she made sure I took swimming lessons regularly and played outdoors/went on walks/rode a bike etc. I went through a phase of rebellion in my teenage years where I would go out and eat all the junk food i'd never had before, but now I find myself eating in the way that my mum taught me to and I feel really good. I think parents really do owe it to their kids to bring them up healthily, and I am eternally grateful to my mum's efforts with me

My mom grew up in China, and they're wasn't a lot of food due to the rebellion (or something like that). She never paid attention to her weight, was very slim (like everyone during that time), was the capitain of her gymnastic team.

When little, she would let me either skip breakfast (said it wasn't as important as everyone else is saying), or either eat cake as a breakfast. She gave me frozen meals for EVERY lunch, for many years until I was 11. Big portions for dinner. She never deprieved us, because she knew what hunger was. Cookies? Ok. Coke? Ok. Fried foods twice a day? Ok.

Now she doesn't work, doesn't do any exercise, is still a healthy BMI but very in poor shape.

I think there is a difference between recognizing the harmful attitudes and behaviors our parents instilled in us as children, and blaming them for choices we make as older teens/adults.

My mother struggled intermittently with 20-30 pound weight gain.  She taught me that looking good on the outside would make me feel good on the inside, and also that self-esteem was not possible or even realistic if I was fat.  She also addressed depression by either emotional eating or obsessively rigid dieting. 

She put me on my first diet, a stringent 1200 calorie affair that had me faint with hunger much of the day (I was a teen).  She went on Sego (anyone remember that early liquid diet?) and ended up in the hospital.  Losing weight was always a diet of denial and misery, and the pay-off was my father's approval.  In my household, fat was a moral issue, and being overweight was the same as being lazy, undisciplined, unhygienic.  It was also a crime against others, those who had to suffer by looking at the overweight person (fat=ugly).

To this day my mother either comforts herself with emo-eating or adhers to harsh diets.  She knows little about flexibility or moderation.  I am learning these skills.  Before that, however, I worked on how to love myself as an obese person.  Learning that I shared the all-or-nothing thinking that I so disliked in my mother has taught me a lot about how to heal myself and have compassion for her.

Once I started the inside work, the actual lifestyle change of eating healthy and exercising regularly seems easy by comparison!