Would you intervene if you thought someone was close to cheating?

So an ex-girlfriend of my brother's is REALLY making alot of comments and wishful "do you remember when's?" and "it was the best time of my life" type comments on Facebook to my brother.

He is not ignoring it and I know that his wife (who I love and we are good friends) (of course I love my brother too!) has asked him who that is and he has not been truthful that it was an ex. (My sister in law is never on FB and doesn't even have a full profile but did see her pic at one time).

My sister in law also shared that bro is receiving phone calls and texts that he is being some what coy about. They have an almost 4 year old and deal with the typical stress of that and working and no time, etc. Maybe a bit rocky at times but nothing major.

Should I say something to my brother? Should I let my sister in law about the comment that I recently saw from the ex GF that was in my eyes an open invite to get reinvolved? Waht would you do?

if it was my brother, yes. I would talk to him.

If you meddle, you might get astrocized by both parties. I think the best thing to do would be to discreetly talk to your brother that he could be putting his marriage at risk if he continues to be in contact with his ex gf. Even if he's not cheating he's having a somewhat emotional affair with her and that can ruin a marriage as well.

Would you intervene if you thought someone was close to cheating?

Nope. Maybe if someone had cheated / continueing to cheat and the other person was oblivious, otherwise, totally hands off.

There is no win/win here, honey.

I would just leave it alone.

yup.  you don`t have to make a big deal of it; just let him know that you think he`s walking a fine line.  hopefully that will be enough to make concrete whatever vague, mushy thoughts are going through his head.

What exactly do you expect to accomplish?

I think if you're hoping to be the superhero who saves the marriage, you'll be disappointed.

Either one of two things is going on here:  (1) Your brother is unhappy in his marriage for other reasons (I firmly believe men do not go looking elsewhere unless they have reason to be unhappy at home, although some jerks may be exceptions - is your brother a jerk?) or (2) Your brother is enjoying a harmless flirtation that flatters him and makes him feel young, but isn't otherwise threatening to your SIL.

Either way, you confronting anyone about how bad cheating is will not help.

If it was my brother, I would definitely have a private convo with him.  Be honest and upfront about your thoughts and concerns, especially if he is being "coy" as you put it.   Because he is your bro, you can likely tell when he is being vague.  Don't let him be sneaky with you. 

Edit:  I would add that you cannot control the actions of others.  So, whatever he chooses to do would not be your fault.  It is his marriage and all that, but you can potentially give him another perspective to make him think his choices through.

I definitely would, but be prepared for possible fall out. 

I know he is at work now so maybe if I pop him a text and say "Hey I see some of the stuff that ----- is saying to you on FB-be careful."

I won't see him for a while and I don't want to get into a debate-maybe?  

One night, on a girls night out, I saw the wife of a very dear friend necking with a random bar dude.

Of course in my eager idealistic youth, I told him about it the next day. They had a fight, they stayed together, and the chick was forever my enemy. It served only to hurt my friend and strain our relationship.

Original Post by lysistrata:

What exactly do you expect to accomplish?

I think if you're hoping to be the superhero who saves the marriage, you'll be disappointed.

Either one of two things is going on here:  (1) Your brother is unhappy in his marriage for other reasons (I firmly believe men do not go looking elsewhere unless they have reason to be unhappy at home, although some jerks may be exceptions - is your brother a jerk?) or (2) Your brother is enjoying a harmless flirtation that flatters him and makes him feel young, but isn't otherwise threatening to your SIL.

Either way, you confronting anyone about how bad cheating is will not help.

 I'm not trying to be a super hero-I think I am trying to avoid feeling guilty for seeing something and possibly saying something that could snap him out of it. Things like this eat at me-I have a stomach ache.

I understand he may be viewing it as harmless and I myself have had little things on occasion similar but I always felt guilty and stopped it-and it was when things are rocky as you say. No I don't think he is a jerk. I think like many he is disillusioned about how difficult relationships can be.

Would someone confronting you about an online flirtation have made you stop or get defensive? Chances are you and he are a lot alike, so perhaps you can put yourself in his place and decide what to do.

Original Post by turtles_all_the_way_down:

Would you intervene if you thought someone was close to cheating?

Nope. Maybe if someone had cheated / continueing to cheat and the other person was oblivious, otherwise, totally hands off.

okay, i`m going to tell a story.

years ago (almost 20) my then-best friend got married.  she was only 23; it was a very short engagement.  totally impulsive.  anyway, the three of us were spending a lot of time together, doing stuff, and sometimes when she didn`t want to do stuff, her husband and i would hang out.  no big deal.  one day my mom told me to be careful, that i might be crossing a line.  i thought she was crazy.  i had no feelings for the guy; i was just trying to be a friend to both of them.  i wanted to welcome him to our circle, because he was my best friend`s husband.  as far as i was concerned, he didn`t even know me, because i was trying to be extra-nice and entertaining.

anyway, we spent the summer and fall that way, and then i moved out of town.  didn`t see them for a few months, and they split up (no big surprise; they only knew each other for a six months before they got married.  it turned out he was a useless, lazy bum and married her because her parents had money; didn`t realize they also had a work ethic).

the next time i was home, i was out with my friend and our other buddies, drinking and playing pool at the bar, and in the bathroom she asked me if anything had happened between me and him.  nope.  well, he told her he was in love with me, and that`s why they split up.

the part that really pissed me off was that he kept the wedding present i gave them: a beautiful, mounted and framed photograph of our home mountain at sunrise.  our friendship had started on the ski hill, and it was obviously meant for her.  when she told me he`d taken it, i called and confronted him; he denied it.  he was obviously pissed that i wasn`t calling to tell him i wanted to see him.

anyway...what`s my point.  i guess if i`d had any thoughts of being with him, my mother`s warning might have been the reality check i needed.

Original Post by future214:

I know he is at work now so maybe if I pop him a text and say "Hey I see some of the stuff that ----- is saying to you on FB-be careful."

I won't see him for a while and I don't want to get into a debate-maybe?  

i think that`s a good idea.  if he has intent to cheat, you`re not going to stop him (and he might get defensive), but if he hasn`t allowed himself to think it through, the fact that you`ve noticed might just gel it for him.

Original Post by lysistrata:

What exactly do you expect to accomplish?

I think if you're hoping to be the superhero who saves the marriage, you'll be disappointed.

Either one of two things is going on here:  (1) Your brother is unhappy in his marriage for other reasons (I firmly believe men do not go looking elsewhere unless they have reason to be unhappy at home, although some jerks may be exceptions - is your brother a jerk?) or (2) Your brother is enjoying a harmless flirtation that flatters him and makes him feel young, but isn't otherwise threatening to your SIL.

Either way, you confronting anyone about how bad cheating is will not help.

lys, as i`m sure you know, you`re pretty black-and-white.  that`s a great trait in a lawyer.

It all depends on your relationship with your brother. My sister and I are very close, so close that we tell each other everything.

Sorry, but I would need to agree with (1) and (2) in the forum from Iysistrata and no not all men are jerks. You can never tell what happens in a marriage behind close doors sounds like he and his wife are maybe holding back problems they may have??

Original Post by kathygator:

Would someone confronting you about an online flirtation have made you stop or get defensive? Chances are you and he are a lot alike, so perhaps you can put yourself in his place and decide what to do.

 We are alot alike and I imagine he may get a little defensive but that he probably does feel awfully guilty. If he doesn't I would be surprised. And pissed. I am his big sister!

Original Post by pgeorgian:

Original Post by future214:

I know he is at work now so maybe if I pop him a text and say "Hey I see some of the stuff that ----- is saying to you on FB-be careful."

I won't see him for a while and I don't want to get into a debate-maybe?  

i think that`s a good idea.  if he has intent to cheat, you`re not going to stop him (and he might get defensive), but if he hasn`t allowed himself to think it through, the fact that you`ve noticed might just gel it for him.

 I think that is what I will do. At least I can feel like I am being a bit proactive and I think it may snap him out of it-if it doesn't I have a clean conscience.

You're his sister, you're allowed to tell him to pull his head out of his ass ;) Just don't invest a lot more in the situation than that, you know?

temptation's,always around us the best thing to do is talk to your brother and ask how are thing going with his wife?if he's got a good thing going with her why mess things up and if thing are that bad the best thing is to come to an understanding before someone gets hurt?somehow when i get tempted i always hear bobby bushea's mother say she's the devil bobby!!