Irrationally Stubborn Boyfriend?

Does anyone else have this problem with their significant other?  I wanted to make blueberry pancakes tonight for dinner-- I just bought fresh blueberries, and I thought that would be a yummy way to have them, and also, it would be quick and easy.

My boyfriend categorically refused to eat them.  He kept insisting that pancakes weren't filling because they were a breakfast food (?????!!!) and that no one eats breakfast foods for dinner because, by definition, they're less filling than dinner foods (again, ?????!!!!!  Hello, oatmeal??).  The "discussion" quickly degenerated into an argument (like these things usually do) and ended with him telling me to shut up (only in slightly more rude terms.)  (This is how he argues.  He insists he's right, then starts telling me to shut up.  I often wonder how he thinks his courtroom arguments are going to go-- is he going to start screaming at the opposing counsel to shut the eff up??)

So, I guess my point, other than to rant and rave about how angry I am (and to have something to do while I'm cooking salmon and rice that I neither wanted nor will eat [because I'm eating my damn pancakes]) (and yes, I know I shouldn't be cooking him a separate meal, because I should really be treating him like the spoiled brat he is, but that's a WHOLE other story-- maybe I think I'm taking the moral high ground if I cook him food?  Yeah, I'm messed up-- I was a psych major in college, haha.)... er, where was I going again?

Oh, right.  My point is-- do any of you have significant others that are like this, regarding either the breakfast food or the complete unwillingness to listen to reason?  And if so, how the hell do you deal with it?

Because let me tell you... right now, my inclination is to dump hot rice in his lap and stab him with a fork.

If I were in your situation, i'd stab him with the fork ;)

But a more rational thing to do would probably be to sit him down when your both calm and just talk to him about it. Tell him how much his behavior is bothering you and see what he does. If it turns into an argument, maybe you two need to take some time away from eachother? I'm not good with boy advice, but thats what I would do anyway. Hope it helped :)

Someone telling you to shut the eff up shows an extreme lack of respect IMO.

And as far as arguing about things, is it really that important?

If he doesn't want to make what YOU'RE cooking, tell him to make his own meal.

The telling you to 'shut the eff up' thing is really worrisome in my opinion. And this guy is a lawyer? Psh.

Yup, stabbing hin with a fork sounds tempting... I've been there. I am married 20 years, my husband is also pig headed about food.  I was a young wife who LOVED to cook. His picky eating slowly wore me down to the point where I did not enjoy it anymore. Pancakes for dinner!!?? Men don't eat breakfast for dinner, mine wouldnt even eat soup and sandwich on that rare occasion that I craved something yummy. So after 18 or so years of arguing over his self centered BS my frreezer is full of Hungry Man dinners. "Have at it sweetheart" and I sit down and eat my lovely meal. Men are inherantly selfish (my therapist said so!).  I also agree with crackthesky146, sit down and tell him how it makes you feel. And ask him to quit with the "shut the eff up thing"- thats just downright degrading! Peace.Lulu

crackthesky-- yeah, stabbing him with the fork seemed to be the most attractive option to me too.   Glad I've got a second opinion!  I can go stab now, right?  No, but seriously, you're right.  It's something that needs to be addressed when we're both calmer-- good call. 

nasuoni-- the problem with us seems to be that we both have VERY quick tempers.  Everything needs to be an argument with us (we're actually both law students-- seems to be a hazard of the profession.  We all love to argue).  The biggest problem is that he quickly cools off, while I continue on a low burn for hours.  I hold a grudge like no other, hahaha.  It's something I'm working on (and having the internets to talk to helps me get over it quicker!).  But I agree-- telling me to shut the eff up is both degrading AND pointless.  And also, you're right-- it's really probably not worth arguing over.

lulu-- correct- most men are inherently selfish.  It never occurs to them, for instance, that it might be nice to unload the dishwasher if someone else loaded it up.  Or that maybe if someone spent a whole hour cooking dinner, you might want to volunteer to clean up.  It's not that he WON'T do that stuff, it's just that he won't do it without being asked (and I don't like to ask, for whatever reason, I'm not sure.)  I agree-- being told to shut the eff up is completely degrading.  (Also, it makes him look like a five year old kid.)

Thanks for your advice, ladies.  I feel much more clear-headed, and the desire to stab him with a fork is (almost) gone!

I was under the impression that all men LOVED brinner?  And all women too, for that matter.

plasmagirl-- I love it!  Not all the time, of course, but it's a fun way to mix things up once in a while.  My dad doesn't mind it, so that's why I was SO shocked that my SO just REFUSED to even consider it. 

But that's his loss-- the pancakes came out so lovely, and they were SO good!

Oh definately let him get his own dinner.  After 20 years of marriage I can honestly say that is the only option.  I tell my dh - I plan for the food, shop for the food, put it away and currently earn the cash for the food.  I also make the food - if he is unhappy with dinner he can get his own. 

I worry that his stubborness is more about control - as in control freak.  That wont do over the long haul.  Women are just not cut out to take it day after day without breaking down and losing part of ourselves.

Does not bode well for his career aspirations either.

Pass on blueberry pancakes!? What is wrong with him!

I would've so made him find his own food. There are no rules when it comes to what food to eat at what time, he is confused with tradition. You can have pizza for breakfast, pancakes for lunch and a sub sandwich for dinner, it doesn't matter.

Plus... blueberry pancakes!

Tell him how you feel when he's calm and more mature, if he still doesn't get it then make it clear if you're doing the cooking, he either eats what you make or finds his own on his own, imo. You're no one's personal chef!

madamq-- not sure how much of it is control... I think it's more that he was spoiled as a kid (his mom NEVER said no to him).  He got some weird ideas about things too-- he doesn't think he can get full on soup unless there's meat in it.  *headdesk*

And no, you're right-- it does get tiring after a while taking crap day after day.  Things were really bad before he went away this summer-- we were fighting a LOT because somehow he had come to expect me to do all the cleaning and cooking.  My house, my beautiful little house was FILTHY.  It was DISGUSTING.  When he left for his internship, I spent two months cleaning the house.  I threw away a LOT of his crap (seriously-- he saved boxes of papers-- argh!) and got my house back to the state it was in BEFORE we started dating. 

When he came home, I let him know that the house was to stay clean, and that under NO circumstances was he to start leaving crap all over again.  (Oh my god, it was so disgusting-- he'd leave dishes with food in them all over the room with his computer.)  He's been pretty good so far, and since I spent all that time myself cleaning, I don't feel bad about reminding him to pick up after himself.

I think you're right, though-- I do need to start standing up for myself a little more.  Cooking him a separate dinner was ridiculous-- I'm not a freaking short order cook.  My mom used to tell me that if I didn't like what she cooked, I could either not eat or cook  something myself.  I think that needs to be the new rule.  I love cooking, and I don't want it to become something I hate.

Thanks for your advice.  :)

He was acting like a child and you treated him like one by cooking him a separate meal.

Next time he does it, tell him..."Hey, I'm making the dinner and it's here if you want some. If not and you're going to pout about it ,then I guess tough sh**. You know where the food is make what you want that is so supposedly better then I'm making."

That's ridiculous.  If you took the time, he could eat it.  That said, my brother has a weird thing about not eating breakfast food at lunch or dinner, for the same reason (it's not filling).  My dad, meanwhile, will not consider soup, pizza, or salad a meal, because there's not enough food to make up what a meal should be to him.  I have no significant other, but that pretty much sums up my picky men. 

Weird, my dad and my husband both love brinner!  I don't get a chance to cook very often, so when I do he's pretty happy with whatever I make.  I guess it gets old eating hot pockets every day.

No no no, don't stab him with the fork - disembowelment is the much better option.

Any boyfriend that told me to STFU would soon find me not speaking to him at all, or living with him anymore, or even acknowledging that I ever knew him. Totally unacceptable.

And if I am being kind enough to cook, and he doesn't like it, he can eat something else.

Kap, do yourself a favour and read the book "Wifework" by Susan Maushart, and prepare for a wake-up call.

I can understand how he might not want to have blueberry pancakes for dinner. Some people just stick with some things for just certain meals. I can't imagine having chicken for breakfast. I wouldnt mind blueberry pancakes for dinner though =]

that being said, its pretty irrational for him to get all worked up and verbaly abusive about it...

My kids and grandkids love it when I make pancakes for dinner.

I would have let him make his own dinner.  Have you ever watched the Prince of Tides?  There is one scene that I love.  The mother makes dinner for her and the kids and a separate dinner for her husband.  Hubby's dinner is hash made with a can of dog food.

Original Post by trustwomen:

Any boyfriend that told me to STFU would soon find me not speaking to him at all, or living with him anymore, or even acknowledging that I ever knew him. Totally unacceptable.

And if I am being kind enough to cook, and he doesn't like it, he can eat something else.

 seconded. ugh. i pick the fork.

my bf makes my breakfast when im at his place.  i make his when hes here. if we eat dinner in, we cook it together.

Original Post by kap286:

madamq-- not sure how much of it is control... I think it's more that he was spoiled as a kid (his mom NEVER said no to him). He got some weird ideas about things too-- he doesn't think he can get full on soup unless there's meat in it. *headdesk*

And no, you're right-- it does get tiring after a while taking crap day after day. Things were really bad before he went away this summer-- we were fighting a LOT because somehow he had come to expect me to do all the cleaning and cooking. My house, my beautiful little house was FILTHY. It was DISGUSTING. When he left for his internship, I spent two months cleaning the house. I threw away a LOT of his crap (seriously-- he saved boxes of papers-- argh!) and got my house back to the state it was in BEFORE we started dating.

When he came home, I let him know that the house was to stay clean, and that under NO circumstances was he to start leaving crap all over again. (Oh my god, it was so disgusting-- he'd leave dishes with food in them all over the room with his computer.) He's been pretty good so far, and since I spent all that time myself cleaning, I don't feel bad about reminding him to pick up after himself.

I think you're right, though-- I do need to start standing up for myself a little more. Cooking him a separate dinner was ridiculous-- I'm not a freaking short order cook. My mom used to tell me that if I didn't like what she cooked, I could either not eat or cook something myself. I think that needs to be the new rule. I love cooking, and I don't want it to become something I hate.

Thanks for your advice. :)

"spoiled" is just another word for control.  By misbehaving, children learn they can get their own way by wearing their parents down.  This is control.  But as spoiled children become adults they assert this power in ever more creative ways than just having melt downs.  Sometimes it comes in the form of belittling their SO, or screaming "shut the f up". 

I am not saying your guy is abusive.  But clearly allowing a big rift to develop over pancakes is over the top.  So today its pancakes.  Tomorrow it maybe where to vacation - where to live - if you work after the kids.  The point is, if has little respect now it will only lessen over time, not grow. 

How the hell are pancakes not filling. Has he ever EATEN pancakes in his life???

STFU is usually a reaction to some provocation.

You call this guy spoiled, selfish, childish.  Why are you with him?  Do you say the same things to him?  If you do, I wouldn't blame him for telling you to STFU.

Another option:  Instead of trying to force the guy to feign excitement about the dinner you wanted to make, if you're actually concerned about making him happy, why don't you ask him what he'd like?