I've had enough: starting a new-MY-life

I can't take it anymore.  The weight gain plans, the life of trying to gain. The focus on eating and counting.  I don't care if it IS with the proper goal to eat big and gain weight, this whole thing has been a life consumed with the process of gaining weight.  Sure my health has improved and my weight's been up and down, and is now up overall, but I'm not getting what I really want.

A full life.

My athletics back full force.

Habits and mentality of eating what I need for my goals vs. what counts as this or that.

Enough of my life has been on hold, stolen, or limited, even as I dedicate myself full force to "gaining."  Time to live, time to make it happen--I know what I have to do, now I just have to DO IT and hate + ditch the old habits.

I'm terrified, but determined.  I hope--no I AM-really going to do this.  Ditch the old way of life, even if it went with eating 4000 calories, and embrace something "new" --not just how much I eat but how I eat and live with it.

I couldn't agree more. Me and my mom are making Christmas cookies today. I'm considering eating one - which is a big step for me, even just the thought. Mt cousins are coming over too. I want to laugh and joke and have fun with them like I used to. I want to actually be excited when I get something other than a cookbook for Christmas when we open presents later. I want to be able to just eat whatever we order when we get carry-out from an Italian restaurant later tonight. I want to be who I was before... well, maybe not the "junk food junkie" who ate deep-fried things, Chinese take-out, doughnuts, chocolate milk, and Spagehttio's, but you get the idea...

I think the hardest part of recovery is the mental aspect. Although, with progress, I think I've improved a lot thus far.

Zebulan-

That's great that you're eating a cookie, but the whole purpose of my new mission is to overhaul the life of "allowing a cookie" and chalking up the ways I have "challenged" myself.  Having a cookie shouldn't even be an issue, heck have ten. Enough with getting so focused on all the bits and pieces I lose track of the big picture.  I don't want to fixate on that kind of thing anymore--I know what I need and calories do me good.  From now on my choices aren't going to be what's "different or more than before" but rather--how can i best meet my goals?

To each his own of course, I'm just trying to clarify my post--not about charting my little victories today, but about starting a new life for me, if that makes any sense.

this meant w kindness and all but...

ive seen you post relatively the same thing a few times now, when are you actually going to DO it and stop just writing about it?

its ACTION that speaks louder than words... JUST DO IT!

Original Post by agruskin:

this meant w kindness and all but...

ive seen you post relatively the same thing a few times now, when are you actually going to DO it and stop just writing about it?

its ACTION that speaks louder than words... JUST DO IT!

 Exactly.  I've been "craving" it for a while, but been scared to ditch my plans and all that--doubting that I can really do it.  Because it means changing a system I've known for a long time--but one that has held me back, even if it is a "weight gain system."

So far so good...now just need to hold strong!

This is my goal exactly! I just want to stop thinking about it all together. Stop caring about food and what or how much I eat and how much other people are eating, and how often I need to eat.

I want to feel normal! However be careful with this because every time I decide to stop thinking about it and eat normally, including eating cookies, and italian take out and everything everyone else is eating, and going out with friends, drinking, the whole bit, I still lose weight :\ It seems my body's needs are still abnormally high so I still have to put some effort into planning out specific weight gain meals and making sure I eat way more often than "normal" people. This sucks but I"m still managing to do this and still turn most of my attention on other things.

Good luck!

Original Post by gibbit:

This is my goal exactly! I just want to stop thinking about it all together. Stop caring about food and what or how much I eat and how much other people are eating, and how often I need to eat.

I want to feel normal! However be careful with this because every time I decide to stop thinking about it and eat normally, including eating cookies, and italian take out and everything everyone else is eating, and going out with friends, drinking, the whole bit, I still lose weight :\ It seems my body's needs are still abnormally high so I still have to put some effort into planning out specific weight gain meals and making sure I eat way more often than "normal" people. This sucks but I"m still managing to do this and still turn most of my attention on other things.

Good luck!

 Oh yes! The only way this works is if you TRULY act on your needs.  When I've stopped calorie counting before the ED monster uses it as an excuse to say "well I only want that much, I'm not hungry now, why have that when I can have this more filling thing for less calories, etc." 

The KEY to really starting a mindset that works for you is to make the decision not just to stop counting or planning, but also to take over your choices--always what serves you best!  The top, the bigger, or right now ANYTHING that goes against the old life, every choice and every chance.

YAY!

i did the same, i've completely ditched logging food into CC. i now just try to aim for what the food pyramid suggests, and it's been working the past month.

i'm still obsessive enough about food that i keep track of how many servings of everything i eat, but not enough to worry about calories.

the way i go is;
6 servings carbs (usually 80 cal per serving for me)
5 oz protein
3 cups dairy
3 cups veggie
2 cups fruit
300 calories of anything (i dont use the anything all for desserts though, but if i want an extra fruit or something, i'll go for it)
and as many healthy fats servings as i want.

it's been working, so far.
i dont even know how many calories ive been averaging, but i dont care cause i have crew(rowing) conditioning 5 days a week.

i def. would suggest this system for someone trying to get out of the obsessive calorie-counting way of life.

I was thinking today, and that's what I want too.  :)  This whole "gaining" thing, becoming obsessed with overcoming the ED thoughts...it almost seems like an ED in itself to me.  I'm just as obsessed as I was before, but it's with something else—beating ED.

I don't really know what to do about it and I guess I'm going to continue this plan until I get to my goal weight, but I just wanted to voice this.  It still kind of feels like I'm being consumed with food.  Agru or Gibbit, do you have any advice for this?

Original Post by okgo:

 I'm just as obsessed as I was before, but it's with something else—beating ED.

 

 Yeah-the mission can't be "eat whatever" or "don't count" because that will be an ED tool to slowly eat back into his mindset.

It HAS to be "how many ways can I oppose the ED life?"

Every choice and every chance doing exactly the opposite of what ED would have had you do--type of food, amount, timing, and all of it.

I agree - while counting in itself is evidence of disordered eating in most of us, the risk we take by NOT counting and going on intuition alone is too high, because people trying to recover from anorexia in particular, have no sense of hunger or satiety, hence the high percentage of relapse/development of bulimia cases that arise out of anorexia recovery.

Personally, I think counting is neccessary in the *early* recovery stages, but once your weight is healthier and you can afford a bit of leeway I think it's OK to start experimenting with intuitive eating, providing you can trust yourself not to slip back into an ED mindset, and providing that should you lose weight, you acknowledge the need to go back to counting.

Thus concludes the lesson today. ;-)

Right on mashed-

Back in the grips of ED I only ate my safe foods and was stuck in the mindset of "less is better.'  At that time just eating 2000+ calories seemed like a lot, and I remember 3000 feeling massive--because I was still eating mostly "safe" foods and not really eating normal random eats.  A cookie was a savored treat, and any high calorie food was portion controlled.

ONLY after a couple years of counting 3-4000 calories do I realize it is holding me back instead of helping me--because now I"m the idiot careflly measuring stuff and figuring how I"m going to get X for lunch or dinner, when the bottom line is I know what a 3-4000 calorie diet is, and counting only limits that.

This also goes WITH the mission I said in my last post.  I hate what's been stolen from me.  I hate being controlled.  I want to do the opposite of every rule and anything that could be a part of something that has destroyed so much of me.  It is NOT freedom to "eat the diet stuff" or fillup on fruit--I have to be stubborn of doing the OPPOSITE of everything that was a part of that life.

ive only skimmed these posts but i think the most important thing in gaining weight and becoming healthy, is gaining your LIFE back.  yes, the weight IS necessary in order to be healthy and to be ABLE TO LIVE LIFE.  but you need a life to live, a job, hobbies, friends, anything so that its not that youre a weight gainer for life, thats not your job, your love, your joy, its a necessary.  you need something ELSE to focus on.  being a "gainer" only keeps you in the grips of the ED, you need a life OUTSIDE of the weight gain.

It has been interesting to realize how gaining weight and doing a healthy thing can actually fuel the existing eating disorder!

My view is like Agru said - to view gaining as a temporary “job” that you should try your hardest to separate from what you do in your spare time; counting calories or measuring things to make sure you will meet your goal, until you are at a healthy enough weight to " guestimate"

To the OP - it gets easier once you reach a healthier weight and you have more lee way like mashed said - once your weight is healthier you can afford to wing it and trust that you KNOW how to eat enough calories WITHOUT having to measure or check into this site

Lately I have decided that even though I look and feel healthy, I would still like to gain a few lbs just for reassurance, as my BMI is about 18.5

At first I thought too much about it like it was an URGENT mission, and I have come such a long way since I was ill and I did not want my efforts in recovering and gaining to go to waste, but now I realize it is just as much of a mental thing!

I have relaxed and although I will not lose site of my goal to gain a few lbs, I know that it is not IMPERATIVE that I do it IMMEDIATELY; I am at a healthy enough weight for my frame/build to function well enough until I do gain a little, so there is no reason for me to have to count calories every day or plan a weight gain meal plan because I can afford to estimate what I need each day

All of us recovering from ED’S know a LOT about nutrition ! Since recovering from the anorexia I now KNOW how to get enough calories each day without having to refer to a website because I KNOW how many calories is in everything!