judging eyes

Ok I've been holding this in for too long so mabe if I get it out there it might make more sense to me. Eating meals is hard enough with the "shoulds, have tos and cants" going on in your head, when our having a bad day it can be a nightmare, its all about persevering and learning to disobey the thoughts and eventually to disagree with them completely.

What gets me now is other people, I never had to deal with what they thought of me eating because either i didn't eat or it was in secret i only had to deal with MY self judgement, so now in recovery eating with my boyfriend and sometimes a famil member KILLS me. I'm trying so hard to say I deserve to eat and it will be ok but the better I do at disobeying the "dont eat"s the worse people look at me. Its like they're thinking she shouldn't be eating that or how does she justify that or eew o all the other things i thik about myself. It's like because they know I put so much meaning on not eating I'm a failure if I do.

I've always had the looks from people wondering how much i must eat of *insert food I just happen to be eating at the time* to be so big but its even my dad if I go out in the morning to buy a breakfast scone he either watches me wondering howi can say I have an eating disorder when I eat so much or he cant even look at me.

Does anyone else get this at all from family or friends. I find it so hard to eat with them or even let them know I'm eating but I think secrecy is something that triggers me majorly so I don't know what to do.

You have to keep in mind that even though your thoughts are plagued by judgements of your body and food, your friend's and family member's minds may not be.  The thing is, as you are sitting there struggling with a piece of food, your thoughts probably become a bit obsessive about it.  Then it's easy to assume that other people are also thinking about food, but the truth is, the might not be at all.  Just because someone is looking at you as you eat doesn't mean that they are analyzing how much you should or shouldn't be eating like you do yourself.  You have to be able to force yourself from your own mind and see from other people's perspectives.  Maybe they are admiring the way you've done your hair, or considering that they'd like a scone too.  They probably aren't judging your eating in the way you percieve.  If it really is bothersome to you, which I can tell it is, you could calmly ask them to explain to you what their thoughts are.  They probably aren't about your eating at all!  You have to focus on eating better for yourself, and that's easier to do if you aren't so worried about everyone elses thoughts. Good luck!

ugh, you're right! Thank you:) i know they are sometimes thinking about it but not always and i know i have to value the benefits of what "doing it anyway" will bring me instead of obessing about how uncomfortable and horrible it can be to do.

Really though thank you, its good to hear from people who have no reason to lie and say "its fine" if its not.

And i never considered they could be thinking they'd like whatever i'm having, that could actually be true for maybe one of them:)

Oh my god I know exactly what you mean. One of the reasons I prefer eating on my own is because I feel that people are judging what I am eating and eiether thinking that I am eating too little or how am i eating so much?! and then they assume that i am evidently purging it. it is a no win situation. i am glad there are others out there who feel exactly the same.

I get what you mean, in a way. I feel like I am fat. I know that when people see me eat, they think I shouldn't, that they are judgeing me, especially because I work with all skinny pretty girls, who I know I dont fit in with. I think eating in itself is disgusting, and when I do eat out I cover my mouth while I eat so no one can see. My mum is over weight, I love her to death and she's so pretty, but I feel like that when people see me and her together, that they are thinking "She's going to be big like her mum" , and "Why is she eating that, she'll get fat." Because there is the whole belief that a daughter will grow up to look like the mother.

Yeah totally, no matter who i go out with its a comparison. Either i'm so fat how could they be with me or if the person's bigger than me then  people'll think i will be like that. If i eat its "my god look at her thats disgusting how can she eat like that when shes so big, its revolting" but if i don't eat it's "oh god look at her thinking she can be normal when we all know she's weak and huge and is just going to eat the house down when we're not here, its pathetic".  i think what i'm realising is that its all just food occupying your thoughts, a distraction from whatever's REALLY going on with you. You can't win with ED no matter what you do because its not there to help you win its there to numb and distract you from everything so you never make progress. Ggrrrrrrr

From now on when i start thinking the usual ED thoughts, mind-reading everyone else's judgement im going to try stop and think of what's actually bothering me instead of obsessing endlessly(cause like i said you just can't win so it doesn't stop!) i will try face the real problem.

Like xtwitchiex asid we dont actually KNOW that they're thinking bad things. Its scary and horrible if they are but a lot of the time people are too wrapped up in themselves to notice, they have better things to do and we should too!