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Big bear: she outed herself in a public thread and asked for opinions - no one here is being a vulture -  if you can't be honest annonymously, when can you be honest, right?

Being 19 isn't a reason to avoid marriage- being nostalgic about promiscuity, however, is.

judging from the smiley, i think bigbearjoe was just trying to bring some levity into the thread

i'm glad that se is hearing the advice given and considering it for herself

that's how these forums are supposed to work!

Original Post by se1289:

BTW..yes he's 27..yes I'm 20. We both work full time jobs..he has a degree..and I go to school. There is no creepyness about this

So when you started dating he was 25 and you were 18? He was 3 years past when most people finish college and you were barely out of high school?  There's at least a little creepyness in there... 

Original Post by nomoreexcuses:

judging from the smiley, i think bigbearjoe was just trying to bring some levity into the thread

i'm glad that se is hearing the advice given and considering it for herself

that's how these forums are supposed to work!

 :)

Original Post by floggingsully:

Original Post by se1289:

BTW..yes he's 27..yes I'm 20. We both work full time jobs..he has a degree..and I go to school. There is no creepyness about this

So when you started dating he was 25 and you were 18? He was 3 years past when most people finish college and you were barely out of high school?  There's at least a little creepyness in there... 

that is so interesting.

because usually guys will argue that 18 is "legal"

am kind of glad for this thread - the full moon' loose vs lose' thread may well be buried forever :D

am i the only one to notice that no one mentioned the age difference, yet the OP got a little defensive about it?  maybe i'm being overly critical, but this seemed weird to me. 

and yes, 20 and 28 is a fairly large difference.  technically, not illegal, but likely there is a fairly big gap in what you both desire presently in life.

We met at his job when I asked him where something was..we talked for awhlie..i saw him the next night at the bowlin alley...we bowled..we hung out for some months..then decided we wanted to be more. We didnt have sex for 6 months...he's only been with 3 people...4 including me..

no creepyness about it.

I know creepyne

Original Post by starlitocean:

am i the only one to notice that no one mentioned the age difference, yet the OP got a little defensive about it?  maybe i'm being overly critical, but this seemed weird to me. 

and yes, 20 and 28 is a fairly large difference.  technically, not illegal, but likely there is a fairly big gap in what you both desire presently in life.

because i have told people before and some either dont care or some judge so hard...especially on forums. I know how they work

Original Post by nomoreexcuses:

that is so interesting.

because usually guys will argue that 18 is "legal"

 Just because it's legal doesn't mean it isn't creepy.

most of you know my thoughts about significant age gaps (when one partner is young).  i didn't comment because--honestly--i think the guy is kind-of irrelevant to the OP.  for the same reason, i didn't comment on whether or no se should tell him.

agree.

Original Post by floggingsully:

Original Post by nomoreexcuses:

that is so interesting.

because usually guys will argue that 18 is "legal"

 Just because it's legal doesn't mean it isn't creepy.

i was commenting on the novelty of your attribution of creepiness, not whether or not an 8 year difference is creepy when you're in your 20s

I think the reason you (and many people) struggle in relationships and keeping faithful is because you started dating young. When we are younger, we are usually selfish and self-centered (which is normal). We need to be self-centered to gain confidence and knowledge so that when we get older, we can care for other people and put them before ourselves.

But if you date when you are young, you will be likely to carry your bad habits over to future relationships. By the way, I am not some cranky old geezer trying to preach to you--I too am 19, and I'm in my first relationship. I would never think of cheating. Ever.

i feel like cheating, much like many other topics, isn't something that can be easily judged.  people will never know the situation in it's entirety.  however, when it becomes a habit, and a "haven't cheated YET" kind of situation, some personal discovery is definitely in order. 

i didn't date until i was 18.  i'm 23 now. have i cheated?  on one person.  did i put ALOT of thought into why i did that?  yes. 

but please, OP, don't allow yourself to brush it off as "not full blown cheating", because i don't believe that it takes actual sex to be full blown cheating.

edit: and i agree when it comes to the significant other having very little to do with this.  which is why i've also not commented on whether or not she should tell him.

Original Post by muttlover:

I think the reason you (and many people) struggle in relationships and keeping faithful is because you started dating young. When we are younger, we are usually selfish and self-centered (which is normal). We need to be self-centered to gain confidence and knowledge so that when we get older, we can care for other people and put them before ourselves.

But if you date when you are young, you will be likely to carry your bad habits over to future relationships. By the way, I am not some cranky old geezer trying to preach to you--I too am 19, and I'm in my first relationship. I would never think of cheating. Ever.

 I don't think age has much to do with whether or not one is faithful or whether or not one is selfish.

if my bf did that and didn't tell me and then i found out later, it would be over

i am more likely to understand 'the heat of the moment' and making a bad decision and the reasons why such a decision might be made, and getting to the bottom of those

i am less likely to understand intentional dishonesty and keeping secrets afterwards - that says to me not only did i make a mistake, but i'm also a coward and i don't respect you (assuming that we are in fact in a monogamous committed relationship and do have the understanding that we aren't seeing any other people)

Original Post by starlitocean:

but please, OP, don't allow yourself to brush it off as "not full blown cheating", because i don't believe that it takes actual sex to be full blown cheating.

 

Agreed - If my significant other did what you described with someone else, I'd feel very cheated on. And if I did it, I'd feel very guilty. Which in my book counts as cheating.

Original Post by floggingsully:

Original Post by se1289:

BTW..yes he's 27..yes I'm 20. We both work full time jobs..he has a degree..and I go to school. There is no creepyness about this

So when you started dating he was 25 and you were 18? He was 3 years past when most people finish college and you were barely out of high school?  There's at least a little creepyness in there... 

Meh. I met my wife to be when she had just turned 17  and I was 23 at the time. That's almost exactly the same age difference (6.5 years in our case).

I met her in a salsa dance club/bar of all places, found out a few weeks(months?) later (yes my memory sucks) that she was not in fact 21.

Almost 10 years later now and we're expecting our third child and discussing the theme of the new baby's nursery.