I kicked him out today...

I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Every time we fight I normally cry a lot after he leaves to cool off for a bit, but this time I told him to take all his **** with him and just leave. I told him I didn't want to see him.

So here is the story... we have been together for almost 4 and 1/2 years now. After we had been together for 2 and 1/2 years I gave birth to a beautiful little girl ever since then he has been randomly taking off after we have an argument.. lasting anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Each time he came back he would appologize with the most sincerity and we would move on. Seven months ago we had a handsome little boy and things have not gotten any better.

I have lost 43 lbs since our son was born, trying to get back to the way I looked before our kids were born. I reached the weight I was 4 and 1/2 years ago when we first met. I still have more to go to get to my goal, but I have been feeling pretty damn good about myself, but its like he didn't even notice or if he did he just didn't care.

He does absolutely nothing to help me around the house has been laid off from 4 jobs in the last year leaving me in debt because I have had to use my (emergency only) person line of credit to keep food on the table, a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. I would have willingly gone back to work, but he did not want to stay home and take care of the kids by himself. He didn't think he could handle it.

So now on to this past weekend. I made plans to go out for dinner and a movie just us, for Valentine's Day, approximately 3 weeks ago. I had even made sure we had a babysitter. But he apparently had a headache (which he does a lot), he didn't bother trying to take anything for it, just went to bed before the babysitter got there and slept for the night.

Then this morning he wanted to go and visit his friend an hour and a half drive from here, but this friend was planning on coming to our area in the next couple days anyway so I suggested that he wait to hang out with him til he got here because again he is laid off without enough hours for unemployment and we have NO money. But he insisted and this friend of his is still single, no kids and expects my finance to jump everytime he wants him to come visit. And he always does. His friend is always the reason we argue, because he chooses this same friend over his family everytime.

So I told him to just leave already and for the first time since our daughter was born he actually listened to me when I spoke. He packed a bag full of his clothes and left. Like I said at the beginning, I normally cry a lot after we fight and he takes off, practically the entire day or sometimes days. This time was different, I cried for maybe 10 or 15 minutes and that was it.

I have never told him to pack his bags and really meant it before, but I feel like I did mean it this time... even if not for good but at least long enough for him to realize what he would be missing. I don't feel bad about telling him to go, but am just a little confused as to what I really want right now.

I want some advice. Based on what I have said, do you think I have made a good decision telling him to leave? Honestly, I just need someone to talk to because I am feeling so alone right now. I never planned on being a 23 year single mother of two, with no job and practically no friends. I just need a little support right now..

O girl---You did the right thing..............It sounds like you have been taking care of the family the whole time anyways, doesn't look like anything will be different except you don't have an additional child to take care of. Now you just have to think the rest of your plan out...what is your plan? go back to work , if so what skills do you have? Do you need downsize and consider moving in with family or friends? Selling the house...lots of stuff to think about. And if he does want to come back...will you let him? I suggest counseling...so many things to think about and process..................

thanks booster

Thankfully we aren't married, just engaged, and there is no house to sell, luckily I am living in a very affordable duplex. I have already been putting out resumes, but a few more would do me good. I don't think I want him to come back, not unless he can change, because lord knows i have done enough changing for the both of us and it was never good enough. 

I think I would have done the same thing in your place.

I dont think the headaches or wanting to go hang out with the friend sound that bad, but a guy should be willing - if not happy - to watch his kids and help out around the house. "He didnt think he could handle it" is the lamest excuse ever - it basically really means "You do it, youre the woman."

Be strong - you will get through this and someday be so glad you ditched him! He didnt treat you with respect and you will be better off financially when you dont have to support him anymore.

*hugs*

The boys like that dont change-- especially if they dont want to.  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt (and the debt, and the crushed self esteem, and the other crap that goes with  a guy that couldnt care less about you).

Dont let him back in.  If he wants to "prove" he changed-- let him get his own place, pay his own bills, pay support for the kids, help you out with bills.  Get thee down to the family services office and get signed up for wic, tanf, chips (all the acronyms you can think of!) and see if you can get a fafsa done and perhaps at least go to school while finding a job.  you need to get signed up for day care assistance if you dont have family around-- its outrageous, especially for infants.

You can do this.  You took the most important step.  And yeah, you might not keep it up, we all fail-- heck they say it takes an average of 7 times to actually quit smoking (validity of statistic is unverified) ... the "men" in our lives can be just as addicting, if not worse because we have to depend on them for our means of survival.

Thank you so much guys I just needed some reassurance because in the time he and I had been together I lost touch with all my old friends because he always wanted to be with me. And its like once we had kids he was jealous of the time I spent taking care of them, because I had to do it practically all by myself, and had less time to pamper him. If he had spent more time helping me take of the kids there would have been more time for the two of us. This friend of his was where he went to get attention, meanwhile he was forgetting about me and the respect and attention I desired.

I agree, tap into resources if you need to; your family should qualify. And don't be embarrassed, just see it has a short-term solution to help you until you get on your feet.....You made the right decision...and I agree, he needs to prove himself before you allow him to come back into the house...You'll be fine girl.......And get that resume out there, or maybe even go back to school if you need too--there's some great 6 month programs out there for technical colleges....etc...

When I was pregnant with my son I start taking a course for my bookkeeping certificate which I would love to finish the rest of the courses for the program.. if only I could get some funding. I live in Ontario. I need apply for OSAP (student loan), and the different grants they offer at my local college to get my certificate, hell why not get my Accounting degree, eh? What have I got to lose? Nothing. To gain? a future job that pays well!! right?

These kinds of guys are great at keeping us isolated, its a way that they keep control.

There is no shame in  getting help from the "system."  My philosphy: I have paid into the system my whole life and will be paying in for the rest of my life.  The few years I needed a bit of help-- I needed it.  Thats what my taxes are for, to get you and me and all the other women like us back on our feet to take care of our kids the best we can. 

If you need any help navigating through the... emotional crap and the financial crap, feel free to PM.  Like I said-- been there.

Edit: You are in Canada!  All the better, compared to the U.S.  GO FOR IT!

ya, I say now is better than never---go for that accounting degree !

Thank so much! You girls are great! I'm going to go for it. I have always been ashamed when things weren't going good with me and the EX and never really talked to my own mother about it, but I now want to talk to her and tell her that he is OUT OF HERE! Do any of you mind if I add you as my friends?

go ahead, and don't be ashamed I'm sure you mother might have some good advice or a story to tell herself........You need that support, so ask for it ...... And ya you can add us as friends!!

i always need friends lol. 

Thanks for everything girls! I think I am going to call my mom.. a girl always needs her mom right? I know its late but I don't think she will mind.. my dad on the other hand will be grumpy that its late but will understand later..

I think you made the right decision - but I have one piece of advice - sorry if I'm repeating something someone else said, but it is very, very important that you know where this guy is, and get some form of child support from him - even if you think he will be unable to pay at the present, get everything in place, get papers drawn up to say he owes a certain amount every month, because those kids, dear as they are to you, are expensive, and get more so as they get older. I think most cities have Legal Aid that will help out with this because I know lawyers are terribly expensive. Do NOT think you have to do this by yourself.  I am speaking from my ownexperience!!!  Good luck.

thanks katann I will do that!

You have taken a first and very difficult step. I won't lie to you: the next steps will not be easy, but you've done the hardest one. I don't know if there was any mental or physical abuse in your relationship, but I founded a forum for survivors if you are interested.

http://caloriecount.about.com/dometic-violenc e-survivors-care-g956

I am both a survivor of and activist against domestic violence of any kind and have worked with people at different stages of their relationship for nearly 20 years.

There was one good line from the Star Trek movies; when Kirk asked Spock why he kept a picture of Adam's explusion from the Garden of Eden. He said "to remind me that all things come to end". This is tough now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang on in there.

---andrew

don't stop at the bookkeeping certificate, go all the way for the accouting degree.  you'll owe more money when it's done, but the extra effort and debt will be rewarded by a higher salary and more opportunities for advancement, which, of course, means even more money.

(((HUGGS)))
Where are you in Ontario?
I am in Windsor. 

You can get the STEP program from social services.  They will even help you with your OSAP.  They also help with sitting fees or daycare.

I won't lie to you, it will be a challenge to be a single mother, but you can do it. 
As stated above, if you do decide to take him back do it with conditions.  He has to have a job and pay support.  He needs to do jobs around the house and he needs to know that his family comes first before his friends.

You also need to have a support system and your own life.  Get in touch with your old friends or find new ones.  You need this because you never want to lose yourself again. 

If you want to talk, just PM me.  I did the single mother thing since 1993 and I have two great daughters and lots of grandchildren right now.  I am helping out my recently seperated daughter.  She had enough and finally kicked him out for good. 

There was no physical abuse, thankfully, but the way he acted was enough for me to lose my self esteem and i actually thought I couldn't do any better than him, but i now i know i can

Good for you (and the kids)!!!

Another thing that you might want to do (I didn't see it mentioned) is seek some mental help.  It sounds like you went through a lot in those 4 years and have a lot of hurt in you.

Just someone to talk to in a safe environment can really do wonders.