Getting kicked out 18, I'm sick about this. What happens next? (not me)

A neighborhood's kid's mother stopped by my house crying her head off. Apparently her kid has become so evil and disruptive she had to kick him out before he destroyed the entire household. I can't imagine since my kid walks the line. What does an 18 year old who hasn't graduated HS yet do when he gets kicked out? Apparently it's so bad the mom has to change the locks on the house and she came over to basically warn me that he's "desperate" and "dangerous"

I'm seriously ill. I feel so bad for this family. They have lived in the neighborhood since we moved here 9 years ago

Military sometimes turns people around...

UD

Kids don't just spring from the womb fully formed aged 18 and causing trouble.  This mother, plus the rest of the family, plus teachers, plus the police presumably have had 18 years to work on this boy as he's been growing up and somewhere along the line it's failed.   At least she's had the good sense to kick him out.... could be exactly what he needs.   Some young men flourish when they have to get their act together, be more independent and look after themselves.   Some just continue down their personal slippery slope and that's unfortunate but 'life'.

If she's warning you that he's desperate and dangerous, look out for yourself and those close to you rather than wasting too much time feeling sorry for this family.  You're not responsible either for his behaviour or his welfare.  Certainly don't let it make you feel ill.

Original Post by gi-jane:

 This mother, plus the rest of the family, plus teachers, plus the police presumably have had 18 years to work on this boy as he's been growing up and somewhere along the line it's failed.  

True, but I do know "bad" kids who have sprung from otherwise happy families which have raised other "good" kids. Sometimes some people just seemed destined to raise hell despite the best intentions of their families.

I do agree with the second paragraph - I was kicked out at 17 and went through a lot of hell on my own but have eventually turned out, I would like to think, a decent human being.

Seeing the mom thinks he might become more agitated and violent towards others you may want to contact the local police department and ask them to step up patrols in your area.  The family might also consider looking into getting a protective order.  Those are just a few thoughts that come to mind off the top of my head...and by all means do protect yourself.

Original Post by merylwhite1:

 Sometimes some people just seemed destined to raise hell despite the best intentions of their families.

 Which is why I said 'it's failed' - general - rather than blame any specific party.

Original Post by umneydurak:

Military sometimes turns people around...

UD

I agree, but I wonder if it might teach a few more bad tricks to a kid who's already on a poor path. Similar idea to a kid that gets tossed in jail for petty theft and leaves with some new tricks learned from career criminals.

Sad situation, hopefully getting kicked out will be a wakeup call.

The military is not jail.  It is not a reform camp either.  A 20 year career taught me a lot (I was asked to leave the house at 16 - for good reason) and now I have 3 degrees, a great job, and half my pay for the rest of my life.

But the mother asking can't make this kid join - and it's not an alternative to jail nowadays.  I agree with the extra police patrols and being vigilant and NOT HELPING THIS KID IN ANY WAY.  Don't be an enabler.  The kid sounds like he's had at least one too many enablers in his life already.

Sometimes it takes hitting rock-bottom before you can make a turn for the better.

Agree. Military is not for everyone. Doubtful they would take a kid with emotional problems and no diploma.

Nothing for you to do Spiro except pay attention around your neighborhood. I cannot imagine kicking a kid out without an extraordinarily good reason - I hope she figures out how to reach the kid.

I'm thinking that her son may have grown up on the edge; so I'm asking if this person ever went into Therapy and Anger management?  Ever been put on some type of Medication and stuck with a program?  And, what consitutes "evil"?  Or is he just mean and bullying? 

As for the family; if they are seriously "afraid of him" maybe he should be insitutionalized so that he can start a program?  Or; is he the teenager that steals and yells at his family?  Big difference between the two. 

Before he turned 18, he was a teenager; so if there was this type of behaviour; I'm wondering what efforts and measure were taken to help channel his anger.  Or; was it ignored and hoping he would "Grow out of it?"

Original Post by umneydurak:

Military sometimes turns people around...

UD

Hey, yeah that's a great idea. Take a young person with possible anger/agression/violence issues and give them a big gun.

What could possibly go wrong?

Maybe the kid getting kicked out will help him to turn his life around a little bit? If he sees what life is going to be like without the support of his family, he may in a way be forced to clean up a bit in order to earn his way back into the home?

I agree that the family is likely somewhat responsible but like someone else said, I have seen families where a child is raised well and still has major problems with behavior, addiction and so on -- problems that aren't necessarily attributable to the fault of the parents/family who raised the kid. My step-brother was sort of like that. (He eventually died of drug/alcohol overdose when he was 29 years young. The family tried to help him for years but even at the age of 18 there is a fine line between help and enabling.)

What does an 18 year old who hasn't graduated HS yet do when he gets kicked out?

Hmm.  It could be drugs.  He could be getting physically violent with his mother.  My best friend in High School lived next door to a kid who was really bad.  Drugs, violence, brought a gun into the house, stealing and selling the family's posessions......His parents kicked him out after having him arrested, and trying to send him to doctors and counseling didn't work.

I think most average people with a fairly normal teen might have a hard time wondering what would warrant a parent kicking a teen out of their house...but for the families who live it, I can see how the parents might be scared for their lives.

The kid is only "dangerous" because he feels betrayed and heartbroken that his parents gave up on him.

No matter what he's doing, his parents shouldn't have given up on him.  If he has a problem with drugs or stealing or something he could have run-ins with the law for, his parents could've helped him find a program to go to that would help him.

Original Post by katesorad:

The kid is only "dangerous" because he feels betrayed and heartbroken that his parents gave up on him.

No matter what he's doing, his parents shouldn't have given up on him.  If he has a problem with drugs or stealing or something he could have run-ins with the law for, his parents could've helped him find a program to go to that would help him.

 I've worked with and around troubled kids for a decade now.  Trust me when I say there are plenty of times when it's fully appropriate for parents to "give up" on their children.

Original Post by misscherryjane:
Hey, yeah that's a great idea. Take a young person with possible anger/agression/violence issues and give them a big gun.

What could possibly go wrong?

A lot, that is what basic training is for.

UD

Original Post by katesorad:

The kid is only "dangerous" because he feels betrayed and heartbroken that his parents gave up on him.

No matter what he's doing, his parents shouldn't have given up on him.  If he has a problem with drugs or stealing or something he could have run-ins with the law for, his parents could've helped him find a program to go to that would help him.

 Sure......but can they force the kid to go?  Nope.  We aren't talking about rational teens here.  We are talking about the exceptionally bad ones.  They are not like you and I.  And don't kid yourself, kate.  There are some really really bad people out there.  And some of them started off as really really bad teens.

Once a child is 18, you can not easily have them committed to any kind of program or institution. I know this from personal experience. If the kid doesn't pose an immediate risk to themselves or to society, there is almost nothing that can be done.

It is sad and very frightening for the family involved. I'm sure the family is at wits end, which is why they have taken this drastic step. They can not force this child into rehab or counseling or anything.

I definitely agree with the poster that suggested you do nothing to enable the boy. He could become violent with anyone who intervenes.

Evil is a pretty strong word.  Any chance that he has mental problems?  Basically agree with moonikins on this one.  Can't imagine how difficult this is for the family... 

That's a typical response from you, Kate.

 This may the first time his parents have shown any sign of support,imho. The truth is that lots of parents stand back doing nothing. They actually stand down to their children. Or: Stand up for them when they shouldn't.

This may be their way of saying " no " to failure from their son. Some parents click the ignore button until their kids are eighteen years old.  ( They expect their children to magically grow out of attitudes/friends/drugs-partying/stealing/etc . ) Most 18 year olds are far from being independent of their parents.That doesn't mean they shouldn't be capable of handling things themselves though.

It sounds like his parents are trying to teach him a valuable lesson now. He's shown his parents a lack of respect,maturity,and/or accountability for his actions. This isn't a sign his parents have given up on him.

This means his parents are finally standing up to him. This is something they're doing out of love for him. imho. They've decided to stop enabling him to live there without consequences. 

There are consequences when you become an adult. Their should be consequences at any age. Period. Were the parents of this boy negligent towards their child in the past? Probably! Some parents stand up for their children in spite of their behavior. It's counter productive. Yet: They continue to make excuses and accept bs. Some parents actually have to learn to stand up to their children in order to help them mature.

Original Post by enchantingimage:

That's a typical response from you, Kate.

 There is no right or wrong way to feel and observe things.  If my responses are so typical, why does it call for acknowledgement?