why are kids so mean to each other????

my mom works at a mental health facility for children and she was telling me about one little boy who is 8 and constantly picked on and neglected at school.

for ex: kids tell him he's 'allowed' to play whatever ball game they are play but if he touches the ball he gets an automatic penalty .. it is just so mean...

it makes me wonder where kids get this from? they aren't born cruel.. is it the influence of other children? are their parents not good role models and do they teach children to step on others to get what they want??

the future isn't looking good when kids that young can't play with everyone and are already discriminating!!!

I'm not that sure that "they're not born with it". Mammals, and primates in particular, practice ingroup/outgroup dynamics all the time. Language ability just makes it hurt more in humans.

Though yes, parents are probably involved - probably not by role modeling this but by making their children feel insecure and unloved, leading them to validate themselves by hurting others.

And kids have been like this forever. I think there is something to be said for people, schools especially, finally taking it seriously and calling it what it is - harassment and abuse. This "kids will be kids" thing is damaging; this needs to be nipped in the bud or you wind up with a bunch of sociopaths (Enron execs anyone?).

you also have to look at from the victums view also.  why is this kids allowing the others to treat him this way?  did his parents not teach him how to stand up for himself?

I wonder what these kids are going to be like when they grow up. Both the mean kids and the ones they're mean to. 

Kids are mean to each other, because this is how they see their parents act.

Be tolerant and loving around your children and you may teach them otherwise.

it must be the hardest thing to be a parent though. I mean i imagine myself, for example, saying to my boyfriend "you can play but if you touch the ball it's a penalty" and it would just be a joke--id be trying to be funny and we'd both understand. but maybe if a kid was around, he/she would think it was cool to be mean or something?  is that how it works?

i think it could happen like that... it could just be that the stronger personalities all join together and pick on the kids who are not as outgoing and shy which just perpetuates that cycle because once a kid has been bullied for so long he won't feel comfortable or be able to stand up for him/herself.

and with this boy in particular, he didn't even realize that they were excluding him or picking on him... which maybe is a good thing, may it protects him...

but maybe he just accepts this behaviour as reality .. which is very sad.

i think a lot of it comes from the parents.. if parents talked to their children about how they should treat others, and about how people's feelings are hurt when they are bullied then children would learn to empathize with others and potentially not engage in cruel behaviorus

i think also, that a lot of people have the attitude that 'its just part of growing up, everyone is teased'.. and that isn't right... just because alot of children go through it doesn't make it something that they should have to go through

hk - thats not always the case.  Just because a child is mean, doesnt mean the parents are also.   My sister was a mean child... just plain nasty , and she still is to this day.  Almost bitter, but for sure full of some sort of resentment or hatred.

My brother and I were raised in the same household..  we're not like that.  We're generally happy people.    I sometim es think it ma be some sort of chemical embalance with her.  

She's adopted so we dont know her medical history to the fullest extent, but I would have to bet she has some sort of disorder.

However, there are alot of children that learn the behavior at home.  Just like with anything else. 

Laurasump...you're talking about whether kids get sarcasm or not?  I know my 5yr old doesn't get sarcasm yet.  Even the 12 year old next door isn't very well versed in sarcasm...at least not the more complex sarcasm.  So yeah, in my house it is percieved as being literal and then taken as it being OK because Mommy and Daddy do it/say it.  I usually try to clarify though.

Kids are mean though...I think a lot of it is they're learning what's socially acceptable and testing limits with their peers.  They usually test parents/relatives in a different way.  Argh!  ;)  Once kids are older and are still mean (HS for example) then it's just plain old mean.  This is of course my opinion.

Fair enough, stlgirl. My brother, also, has some serious behavioral issues. I just don't have any delusions where he got them (My father and brother are both sociopaths. I think that somehow dad passed it on to him.)

I guess I spoke from my own experience when I said that. But, I do believe you that I may not be wholly correct.

I coach softball, 12-14 yr old girls, and I wonder this myself a lot.  Theres always a cast of characters, the popular triumvirate (why are there always three?) the quiet younger  ones, the goody two shoes, the bully, the cry-er.  Every year its the same thing.  I don't know if its an age dynamic (sometimes the roles switch from year to year as a kid gets older) or the parents.  I'm assuming its a little of both.

I've always written it off as "the teenage years" but hearing about stuff like this starting at 8....its disheartening.  I try to pull the kids involved in the conflict aside and ask them questions like "why did you do that"  or "did she say anything mean DIRECTLY to you?"

I think it also helps to find a kid that is a quiet leader, that everybody likes, who can curb the madness.  There's always a "mean" ringleader.  if you as a parent/adult/coach can get one of the participants (not the leader) to realize that its not fair, and to reach out to the picked-on kid, sometimes it helps, even if only to give that kid a bit of a support system.

You mean people stop being mean when they grow up?   

hk - i think you're right in saying that it is learned also!  I think more of it is learned, than attained in some other way.   

Your brother and your father are this way, but you're not.  Sometimes its just so odd to know where they got this behavior.  It had to start somewhere, ya know? Its all rather interesting when you think about it.

dnrothx - LOL I dont think they do.  Mean people are just MEAN.

Mean people suck. (But nice people swallow. Oh, sorry, is that off-topic? So Sorry.)

I just remember going to little league with my brothers and sitting and watching this awful set of parents who were just.. they weren't supportive, they vocally told their son to go, yelled at him when he did wrong, never praised him.

I felt very sorry for that kid. He'll probably grow up to be just like them.

hk - dont you have to be mean first, to then be nice (and swallow)??    LOL

That kid will either be just like those idiots, OR he'll be very quiet until college, then kill everyone.

hk - If your brother and dad are actually sociopathic personalities, not just cruel, there is research that suggests that the trait can be passed down from parent to child...it's a pretty controvercial subject of course.

What worries me, Sammi.. is the idea that it could skip a generation and end up in MY children. :p

That worries me ALOT, actually.

speaking about watching children's sports games... i was at my 9 year old brothers hockey game last year and it is horrible the things that go on there... parents are yelling at their kids from the stands, talking to other parents about all the things their kids need to work on, no cheering, no encouragement like 'way to go johny'.. just negatives.. makes me wondering that if they talk like that in public, how are these parents treating their kids in the privacy of their own homes

i think a big problem with kid-parent relationships and teaching how to be nice/mean comes from not paying attention, being too busy with their own lives and not critically looking at their own behaviour

so many times in the grocery store and malls i have seen parents screaming at their kids, grabbing them by the arm and just being so mean to them... no wonder these kids do the same thing to their weaker peers at school, they think it's right to be able to dominate and berate other children... it's horrible

sometimes i just want to say to these parents 'why are you treating your child like a piece of garbage???' just to see what they would say.. but it probably wouldn't be a good scene

Why do kids like to gang up on the same kid(s) all the time? Is there something specific about that kid (or those kids) that makes them an easy target?
I wonder which is worse, to have your kid be bullied or have your kid be the bully...

well, I think if your kid is the bully, and they learned the activity from you, then you would be a proud parent that whatever you taught was being enforced...  ???    Who knows.. a good question though.