Kids leaving for college

Hi,

Anyone one else have a recent high school graduate leaving for college soon?  Or been through it before?

My oldest child (a girl) is driving me crazy!  Is this normal?  I heard it may be some weird separation anxiety defense mechanism.   (Let's hate each other so I can feel good about leaving?)

She's not being overtly disrespectful, but there's this underlying tacit look of "I don't need to listen to you anymore", or a dismissiveness towards me.  She's been gone most of the summer - at the beach with cousins and other overnight trips.  She's away for a week with a friend's family, right now.  When she comes home from these trips, I ask her to help around the house and apparently this is "getting on her all summer."

She drives a car I bought, talks on a phone I pay for, gets her insurance from me, and lives in my house and eats my food.  She recently got her laptop for school, paid for by me!  She has earned a full-tuition scholarship, and has a part time job.  She is (was) a good kid.  She has worked hard, so I want to support her with all these perks and help her pay for her room and board at school.  I am glad she's testing her wings and wants to fly.........I just want some R-E-S-P-E-C-T!  UGh.

Oh do I feel your pain.  I have a 23 year old daughter and a 21 year old son.  Both of my children still live at home.  They are attending college that my husband and I pay for.  My daughter has been working at a full-time job for close to a year now.  Huge eye opening experience for her.  My son works a part-time job at the present time.  The economy is not so great right now so we are happy that he has this job, which he has consistently held since the Fall after he graduated high school. 

My husband and I periodically go through these moments where we feel that our children are disrespecting us.  Now my children are GREAT children.  They are not on drugs and they rarely drink.  We have a great relationship with both of them.  My husband and my daughter butt heads every so often, but that's because they are two peas in a pod.  When my husband gets frustrated I tell him this is all part of them growing and leaving the nest.  My sister has 3 children that are just a few years older than mine.  Years back she said to me they are adults.  I said to her - no just because they may be 18 or 21 doesn't mean they are adults.  It only means that's how old they are. 

This is what I say to you about how to handle the situation.  The best way to get respect is of course to give it, but you also have to demand it.  Don't be a doormat.  You are providing for her still.  Set down the grounds rules.  IT'S YOUR HOME AND YOU ARE THE PARENT.  When they move out on their own, truly on their own not relying on you financially, then you can move to the next stage with your child.  Friends.  Until they are self sufficient and financially independent you are the one in charge.  It is very easy to lose sight of that - believe me I know. 

So sit down and make a list for yourself about the rules that you want her to follow.  If you want her to pay a nominal fee for the cell phone or the car, then base that on her part-time wages.  Something reasonable but fair to you.  Tell her the payment is due the first of the month and don't let her get away with giving you the payment late.  These are life lessons - something that she needs to learn on her own.  If she had a loan from the bank for her car - they would expect payment when payment is due and they wouldn't let her get away with non-payment.  They would repossess the vehicle. 

We have our children paying for their cars that we purchased for them.  I tell you all of this because I struggled with these same issues.  When my daughter was goofing off - no job - hanging out with her friends all the time and not making her car payment - my husband grounded the car.  She could leave, but she wasn't driving the car.  She got the message and it didn't take long. 

If you want her to help around the house - give her a list of EXACTLY what she is expected to do.  It not unreasonable for you to ask her to help out.  It is not unreasonable based on all you do for her.  As a matter of fact don't be shy about letting her know all that you do for her.  When you have your discussion with her you will have your list of what you want to happen and what she should be doing to help out.  You are providing for her future. The alternative is called TOUGH LOVE.  You can tell her if she doesn't like these rules she could always find some other place to live.  Sounds harsh, but seriously will she really leave.  I doubt it.

Be strong, be firm, be consistent, and most of all remember that this will not be the only time you have this exact conversation with her.  One last thing.  If she is going away to college - she will be at school without any parental supervision.  She will be staying out and doing things that you probably don't really want to know that she is doing; however, when she comes home for the summer you are the ruler of your domain.  Probably time again for that discussion.

Good luck.

Wow, thank you!  That's awesome stuff.  And, what's funny is: during my daughter's junior year, she was falling apart, not working up to her potential, really blowing it.  And, I did exactly what you said about writing down what I expected of her and I even called it a contract and made her sign it!  ( I forgot!)  You know what happened?  She got a job, got back on honor roll and set herself up for a very successful senior year.  

I feel like I forgot all my parenting skills because she's 18.  She can see I'm in new territory and not sure of myself, and quite frankly... I'm scared.  She is taking full advantage of the situation. (she's a good kid, but a typical teen)

I have always taken the tough love approach, I don't know why it has escaped me with this situation.  Thanks so much for the pep talk.....you're great!

Also, I definitely want to charge that nominal fee for all the wonderful perks she gets around here.  I forgot: people tend to take care of and value things if they have to pay for them. duh. Where has my head been?  I thought "oh, she can't pay for her whole insurance bill",  so I charged her nothing.  She can't work at her current job during the school year because her college is an hour away.  If she doesn't get a job on campus, do you think I should still charge her?  Or wait until next summer when she is working?

Thank you, thank you. Can I add you to my friend list?  How do I do that?  I am new.