This is kind of random but...

I need to get it off my chest. I've never really talked about it with anyone. I doubt that it will help any, but maybe by posting this it will save someone else somehow from having to go through the same pain as I have.

In high school, starting sophomore year, I had a friend named Brian. He was a huge geek and pretty much a social pariah. We got along well and he was a really nice guy. He was in love with me, told me so all the time. I got so much hell from my friends just for talking to him, so dating him was out of the question as far as I was concerned. Truthfully I was far too selfish to have any kind of healthy relationship at that point anyway. One time at a school dance he wanted me to dance with him, just once. I wouldn't do it. I was worried my friends would never let me live it down. I always felt one step below them on the food chain (even though none of us were even remotely popular) and they never let me forget it.

Senior year he started dating a 10th grader in my choir class and for a while everything seemed ok. They seemed like a good couple. Then early in the spring I overheard her telling someone she dumped him. A day or two later it was the end of the day and I was at my locker and he came up to me and said hi. A couple of my friends were standing there smirking and rolling their eyes. I acted irritated and said "What do YOU want?" He slunk off and said something about oh nevermind, just wanted to say bye or something like that. I felt kind of bad for snapping at him like that, but felt like I couldn't do anything with my friends standing around.

The next day he wasn't there, not that I noticed as we had no classes together at that point. As I was leaving the building one of my "friends" who had given me the most sh-- about talking to him ran after me and told me that he'd been found dead. He had type 1 diabetes and he had taken too much insulin or something. Though it had been ruled an accident, they were pretty sure he did it purposefully. He had to have known exactly what would happen.

I knew if I talked to anyone about it they'd have told me it wasn't my fault. And sure, I know I didn't put the needle in his arm, and I'm sure that it wasn't only because of me. But I've never been able to forget that maybe if I had jusy been nice to him that day, maybe he'd still be alive. Maybe if I'd been there for him when he was hurting instead of caring so much what my stupid friends thought he wouldn't have taken his own life that night. His best friend pretty much stopped talking to me after that, which confirmed in my mind what I already believed to be true.

And I go through periods of being angry at him for not giving me another chance and for saddling me with this guilt for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wonder if he really meant to do it, or if he was just trying to get someone to notice and help him, only no one did. All the time I wish I could just take it back. Tell him he was one of the only real friends I had, and those people I worried so much about were nothing to me because I was nothing to them. I wish I had told him even once how much I cared about him. That I thought he was smart and funny and kind. But I will never have that chance. I took his friendship for granted and I lost him forever. He went to his grave thinking that I despised him.

It's been more than 10 years. It's just as painful now as it was then.  There will be no closure, no resolution. No happy ending. Sometimes I just want to die too, so that maybe hopefully I can see him again. But I think about how I feel and I couldn't make my friends and family live with that too. So I guess my point is, don't take your true friends for granted. Don't assume they'll still be there for you to apologize to after you say something stupid and hurtful and then feel bad about it. Don't allow other people to dictate who you hang out with, who you talk to, who you're nice to. That's weak. And if you are feeling like nobody cares about you and thinking of killing yourself, think abou the pain you'll be causing those you leave behind. You'll never even get to know just how wrong you were.

Im saying this in the best way possible. I think you should seek some professional help. its not fair for you to live your life in pain. its been a long time and if you dont have the skills to move on then maybe you need to talk to someone who can help you.

I believe that the message you are trying to get across has great meaning and inspiration. If I were you I would probably feel the same way. However it is not ok for you to go on in pain any longer. You deserve to be happy! You were young and you shouldnt blame yourself.