How do you know when love is for real?
After a number of untrusting disastrous relationships over the last 8 years where I was taken for granted, oppressed and cheated on I find myself living with my OH of 16 months (living together for 12 of them).
He’s sweet, daft but kind, generous but flippant, unreliable with times etc but loving. The previous bad relationships were obsessive, me trying to please them all the time despite them not deserving it, this one is different, I know he loves me, so why am I doubting my desire to be with him?
Now that we are talking about the future, engagement being on the cards very soon, ultimately followed by marriage, children, buying houses etc etc………. how do I know if it’s the right thing to do?
It’s been said “when it’s right you just know” so if I don’t know does than mean it’s wrong?
Listen, as a woman who has been thru all you described and far more in my soon to be 37 years and 2 divorces- DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN IF YOU HAVE DOUBTS.
Intuition exists for reasons... if your gut is telling you to think twice, or that infamous "there is always something better out there" - then don't move beyond living together. I swear, if I had a dime for ever relationship I stayed in for years & didn't get married but thought this, (and cheated bc I thought it) just move on when you know for sure you're not committed like he is...
just bc this is the first man that treats you with respect or without the annoying other behaviors you experienced from other men, it doesn't mean he is the only one out there who will treat you well...
Just go slow, breathe, and think about how you want a relationship to be.
Best advice I can give is to marry a 'best friend' - someone you never run out of things to talk about with, have fun with in ANY situation, and can get through arguments/rough spots with - then you have found a great man to marry. I have found obsessive, passionate, whole-hearted love to be a falsity without much substance for long term satisfaction-- meaning, they or you won't last in that situation. If you love someone, you love all of them and not in an obsessive way- you just love and accept who they are, how they are, and can face anything together. Loyalty is not always love; and when one person loves the other more than they love back; i think you run into jealously, control, and ultimately divorce.
Again, breathe, test the waters you have right now for a while more, talk marriage if in the test of time you are more comfortable thinking you could spend the rest of your life living, laughing, crying, yelling, and having fun with this guy; otherwise... slowly move on - he might be hurt, but it's better than spending 10 years frustrated with the thoughts you have now only growing stronger.
good luck!
It’s been said “when it’s right you just know” so if I don’t know does than mean it’s wrong?
I'm sure a lot of people who just knew it was right are divorced. I have to admit, however, that I just knew and have been happily married for a long time.
I credit that to the fact that besides physical attraction and the intangibles, we have a lot of practical things in common. We're the same religion, we're both frugal so money arguments don't really exist, and our ideas about child-rearing are compatible. It doesn't hurt that it's easy to make her laugh.
According to your description (slightly rearranged) he is kind, generous and loving. Everyone wants to live with someone with those characteristics. The question is whether you are the kind of person who could happily live a long time with someone who is also daft, flippant and unreliable.
It just sounds like you've been acquiring learning experience. I'm with iamme, though, don't get married to someone you have serious doubts about someone. As my father told me, rather enigmatically at the time, you know who it is you'll actually want to marry. Although fluffy, I've found that statement to be true (although the simple act of marriage doesn't guarantee enduring happiness -- marriage ain't all bliss and takes a heckuva lot of work).
16 months isn't enough time to really know somebody. But then longer often isn't long enough either if the other person (or you) is holding back their doubts and fears. How many times have you seen someone get married and have their partner change? Men who are a little pushy suddenly become abusive. Women who are a bit spiteful suddenly become really hateful. Sometimes we just don't see it coming. I could give examples, but I bet you can think of a few IRL yourself.
Getting married often requires a leap of faith, and sometimes we're wrong. Open communication about any doubts might help. If you find he can't talk about things, then you'll "just know" it isn't right.
Original Post by clairelaine: How many times have you seen someone get married and have their partner change? Men who are a little pushy suddenly become abusive. Women who are a bit spiteful suddenly become really hateful.
From pushy to abusive and spiteful to hateful are not huge changes. They are more a matter of degree.
The flip side is when someone in a marriage says: "You've changed". It's pretty unfair to say that we're supposed to get married at 25 and never change. I'm not talking about negative changes like abusiveness. For example, a wife who is a stay-at-home mom early in the marriage often gets career aspirations later on. I've heard guys say: She's changed. Well, I would hope so. Marriage is a long time (hopefully) and we do change. If you pick the right mate, you change right along with them, otherwise it's pretty tough.
I know i am young, but what i can tell u may sound stupid and if it does then dont even pay any attention to it.
But what i have to say is this: close your eyes, can u imagine yourself w/o him? (bigger Question) Would you die saving him, knowing that he will live?
See this may sound stupid but this is how i know that i am in love with my boyfriend. I couldnt live w/o him...my life would be so empty. and i wouldnt think twice to save his life
life i said this is in my mind, and may be anly in my mind. If it is disregard it. just thought id throw in my input
Iaamme, you really just expanded the question in my head, my OH is a lovely guy, he is my friend, my best friend…………&hellip ;.? Yeah perhaps, I trust him with everything, I can talk to him about anything, we have fun, we get through any arguments, we hardly ever go to sleep on one, and if we do we both end up waking up in the middle of the night just to hold each other and make up. He loves me not matter what mistakes I make, when I c**k up the dinner experimenting, or burn pasta to saucepans. He will defrost my car for me in the mornings when it’s cold, and make dinner if I get stuck at work. And I do the same for him, I want him to be happy.
But just occasionally – I miss the obsession of previous relationships, the addiction of massive highs, and although I don’t want that kind of man again, I don’t want to feel that I am “settling” just because this is a “nice, normal relationship”.
Do I just sound really odd? :o)
Original Post by sunnybra:But just occasionally – I miss the obsession of previous relationships, the addiction of massive highs, and although I don’t want that kind of man again, I don’t want to feel that I am “settling” just because this is a “nice, normal relationship”.Hmm. Red flags. "I miss the obsession" and "the addiction of massive highs." Careful.
I don't know about everyone, but I've been married 19 years and I knew the first time I ever saw him. Eleven months later we got married. It's been wonderful and at times awful, and we have made it through some hard times, but It's the best it's ever been. Sex and all. He still just does it for me. and evidently as much as he chases me around I do it for him. Hold out for quality. We didn't have any money when we started, but we were friends too, and you have to have that.
No, there has never been any alcohol problems in my family, I’m just an emotional person, I thrive at work on stress and I love excitement.
I also care a lot about my current BF but the spark has gone, I’m getting bored and I don’t know whether to leave before I start to resent it (and him) or whether to accept that this is what happens after a certain period of time and try to improve things.
I recommend a little introspection so you can realize WHY you love the insecurity. Obsession stems from never feeling entirely loved or safe, always wanting to "win" the person over, hence the massive high on those moments that you do. Someone who makes you feel that way in the long term is someone who never actually loves you, no matter what they may say.
Someone who makes you feel safe and confident in their love, on the other hand, doesn't "allow" you that occasional thrill of conquest - they're already yours. This can seem boring to the thrill-seeker. But beware - the person you does give you that high, by definition, isn't yours and never will be no matter how many mini-"conquests" you achieve of them. The only time that the "thrill" of victory is genuine, and positive, is at the beginning of relationships (hence the compulsive novelty-seekers). If it lasts more than a few months, you've picked the wrong partner.
I know whereof I speak here. I was in that kind of relationship before, then I realized that I had some serious daddy issues (unconsciously needing to "win over" a cold parent, by proxy, is one of the most common things driving these sorts of troubled relationships). Since that "click", I've actually learned to enjoy and appreciate healthy relationships. Interestingly, there was only ever that one unhealthy BF, but all the previous ones had seemed "boring" once they loved me. Then I learned why. And my true love (nearly 8 yrs now) would not have lasted if I hadn't learned that lesson. It really IS fulfilling to be with someone who loves you back.
That said, I have no idea if this is the man for you. But I am certain that the man for you WILL be someone who actually loves you, not someone you have to "win over" time and again, obsessively, like a godda*n rollercoaster.
