Let me preface by saying that I am an educated, 30-year-old mother of 2 who never in a million years thought i would find myself in this position. I was always a chubby kid - not fat, never thin but a little overweight. I got the occassional teasing from my brother and other kids and did feel a twinge of jealousy to see how thin my friends were, but I never felt like it was a burden in my life. I love to eat. Period. My family members are big eaters and food usually is the center of all we do. I never thought twice about it really. When I was hungry I ate - whatever sounded good at the time. Now I am not saying that all the fast food was a good thing, but it was a non-issue in my life. Want to go for a burger... sure... eat, enjoy, move on. Now I know I gained weight after high school and was a little uncomfortable with my size but I still got married, had friends, enjoyed life, etc. I would always think, it would be nice to lose some weight, but never made it a priority. Now for stats, I am 5'3'' and weight about 135 in high school. I reached 145 after getting married (we went out to eat a lot and ate very late). I ate huge portions of everything - always had bread, always had dessert. I have always been fairly active - busy working on my feet, etc - or I certainly would have weighed more given how much I ate everyday. Okay so I had 2 kids, 2 years apart. I got huge both pregnancies and settled to around 153. So, overweight, yes and in need of some weight loss. In the summer of '05 something in me snapped - a very unflattering picture, ill-fitting clothes, laziness, something. I began this crazy journey of portion control, calorie counting and adding exercise. 90 % diet and 10 % excercise in the beginning. the weight started falling off. My first goal was 140 - boom happened so quickly. Looking back I was fairly extreme - several months of 800-1000 calories a day. New goal 130 - bam, 120, 115 - okay this is crazy! I added more food, got educated about whole grains and fruits and veggies and soy "meats", etc. Started really reading lables, switching my diet totally and restricting just about all the "treats". This is the point where my story changes. The obsession started setting in, how many calories in that, I can't eat that, what can I have, I can't eat there, I am so hungry but I can't eat more. 110 - wow, lots of comments everywhere I went - you look great, oh my goodness look at you, you are so thin, etc. Obsession grows - excercise steps in. I got a stepper, an elliptical, started to run, jumping jacks, walking etc. More excercise, more hunger, more food, GUILT, more excercise - viscious cycle. 105lbs - this is crazy - stop - I can't... okay I'll have the cake - oh no, another 30 mins on the stepper, hungry again, count calories, go to bed hungry. No cheating for a month, very stict. 100lbs. My first binge - feels sooo good to eat. Awesome food - cheese, bread, chocolate - MORE, I deserve it - so good - I feel FULL I love this so much. Just one more cookie. I work hard. Chocolate - I forgot how good it tastes in my mouth. Ahhhh. OH MY GOD, what have I done? Oh no, I am so ashamed, how could I loose control? I can't believe I did that. What is wrong with me, what was I thinking? I have to excercise. I wish I could throw up - I tried, can't, that sucks. No more, I will nevre do that again. Back on track. Safe foods every day - exercise regimine - total routine. Things are great. 99 lbs - WOW, unbelievable! Kids are driving me crazy, I have no control over them. Busy, busy. Never see my husband so much to do everyday. Sorry sweetie, mommy has to exercise, maybe later. What do you mean you don't have veggies on the menu, I don't want fried food and fat-laddened pasta, I'll eat later yoiu guys go ahead. It is 3 o'clock I need my snack NOW! No I don't want pizza, sorry buddy I don't eat ice cream. 98lbs - good for me. Really? A grown woman 98 lbs? 3 layers of clothes everyday to stay warm and to hide. You are right. fine - I'll eat - binge, after binge. I gained 2 lbs - way to go, can't even control that. Back to calorie counting, more exercise, avoidance of trigger foods. Whew back down to 98lbs. That was close. Sorry for the internal dialect ramble but that is where I am. I sit here alone with my husband asleep just wanting my company and the old fun me back, my innocent kids having to endure my demons and battle with food and having just ended the worst binge of my life. I am bitchy and irritable most of the time. I have no patience, I have no sex drive. My daughter is getting the wrong ideas about food and self-image. My son just wants to play and I tell him to wait so I can exercise. My husband want to be close and laugh and have fun and I worry about the next meal, when I can sneak in some stepping and how much more I can eat. I know I have a problem. I know I need to gain but eating 5000 calories like I did today has only made me feel disgust and will undoublty cause me to punish myself with restricting and more exercsie tomorrow. The cycle will continue. I want off this ride.........
(If you want people to read this, could you please break it into paragraphs?)
Oh hon, it's time to get to a doctor. If you really want off the ride, it'll make it easier on you, but you have a long road ahead...
Please talk to your husband, your doctor, and anyone who will listen...
Please talk to a doctor. You've said yourself that you want to be a role model for your kids! You can overcome this.
I agree. You need to get some professional help. You need to talk to someone in person. Have you talked to your doctor about gaining weight and how to do it the right way? You don't need to eat 5000 calories a day to gain. Try decreasing the amount of exercise and eating about 500 above maintenance. Eat lots of small meals to prevent binging. But you really should talk to a doctor about all this.
First of all, you're recognizing the problem. That is a good start. I am sure that your family and friends are very ready to come to your help, especially seeing you increasingly more and more obsessed. I feel that with help, support and love you're able to regain healthy balance - something you had before getting married. What happened to you is nothing unusual - it's learning curve. All the best to you!
I have never posted on these boards before, though I do read them regularly, but reading your post was like being in my own head and I felt compelled to write in because I feel your angst. I am 28 and have 2 kids (2 yrs apart), recently lost about 90lbs in the past year. It started innocently enough, but the more weight I lost the more I became consumed with diet (counting calories, fat grams, etc.) and exercise. I am driving myself and my family insane. I can relate with not wanting to pass any of these food issues on to my 4 yr old daughter, who already wants to exercise with me. I dont really know what I want to accomplish with this post, other than to let you know that you arent alone (sometimes that helps me, I know reading yours helped me not feel so "crazy") I am trying to slowly add calories into my diet and I have already started slowing down my exercise to 5 days a week, but it is hard, I am constantly battling myself and telling myself that its okay to eat 100 extra calories today. I will send you some happy thoughts today.
Moke2 I almost feel like Im reading my own story. I dont have any children, but I am married and I feel exactly the same as you. Im trying to understand my problem myself, Im still trying to open up more to my husband about it, then hopefully he will push me to go to the doctor. He knows this is a problem but we try to avoid talking about it. But u and i both need to talk to our family and seek medical help. We've developed this terrible disease thats not just going to go away. Its going to take time and understanding that a doctor can provide. I wish you nothing but the best, and dont feel alone Im right there with ya.
From a RN.....
You do sound well-educated, and if you are, you know that a healthy BMI is 18.5-24.9. At 98# and 5'3", you are considered medically and dangerously underweight with a BMI of 17.4. Not only are you undernourished and underweight, but you are also possibly in danger of sinking into a debilitating and dangerous disease of anorexia nervosa.
I am a nurse, and I can relate to you wanting to control your weight when nothing else in your life seems to be in control. You don't have to binge eat to gain weight back, and you don't have to stop exercising. You can add a 100-200 calories more a day or a week until you get yourself to a healthy weight.
It sounds to me like you need to get off caloriecount.com and get yourself help. Call your doctor before its too late.
Original Post by feanor:
(If you want people to read this, could you please break it into paragraphs?)
Feanor- that was a bit harsh don't you think?
Moke: Sweetheart reading your post was like looking into my own head. I lived for 10 years almost exactly like that...
congratulations on taking this step and writing to us. It's a brave thing to do and you should be proud of yourself.
Please go and see your doctor. You deserve to live. You deserve to enjoy your life. You deserve to treat yourself and to savour and to be pampered. Your body needs you to take care of it so that it can take care of you.
feel free to message me privately if you need support or to talk
b
Ow. What a surreal moment to see my life history written in front of me. The only difference is I am 44 with three young adult children.
I began my anoretic behaviour when I was 8 years old. It continued until 2 years ago. Starvation got the best of me, and I went into binge mode. I purge when I binge, however it disgusts me rather than give me the power I felt when I was anorexic.
I taught 7 aerobic and aquatic classes a day. My muscles are too atrophied for anything that strenuous. Last year alone I was hospitalized three times due to my illness.
Today I am on a waiting list for an inhospital eating disorder clinic. While waiting I see two doctors each week. Sometimes I want desperately to go to the clinic to get some order back into my life; other times I chicken out. My brain still plays the game of, "do I really want to get better? who will I be if I get better". For as long as I can remember my EDs have been me. I have never had to become anything else.
I came to this website with great hopes. Although in an ideal world I would be eating enough calories and three meals a day, the doctors realize that is too much of a push for me to do on my own. I promised I would try to eat one meal a day, every day. Of course, I can rationalize 1 cup of jello light (20cals) as a meal. I have given myself a new rule. I may not eat any less than 500cals per day. I'll admit to panicking when I saw the numbers adding up yesterday (first day), however, I did eat everything. When I have successfully accomplished this goal, I will aim to move up another 100 cals. I figure I have dealt with EDs longer than anything else in my life, I will not stress about "fixing" the EDs overnight. By the way, I have tried - it doesn't work! In the long run, I WILL be healthy.
Thank you for sharing. You expressed yourself well. Although I haven't had a weight loss like yours I can relate to the mind battle. After calling your doc, also call a counselor. I have seen one and it does make a difference. I wish you the best.
Original Post by busybee246:
Original Post by feanor:
(If you want people to read this, could you please break it into paragraphs?)
Feanor- that was a bit harsh don't you think?
Moke: Sweetheart reading your post was like looking into my own head. I lived for 10 years almost exactly like that...
congratulations on taking this step and writing to us. It's a brave thing to do and you should be proud of yourself.
Please go and see your doctor. You deserve to live. You deserve to enjoy your life. You deserve to treat yourself and to savour and to be pampered. Your body needs you to take care of it so that it can take care of you.
feel free to message me privately if you need support or to talk
b
No, but I'm glad some other people have good enough eyes to have been able to help
I think we have the same demon in our heads, because I could have written that post myself. Thanks so much for writing down so clearly what's running through so many of our minds. I think you should check out the ED Support Group thread if you haven't already. There are many of us there trying to help each other (and ourselves) do exactly what you're struggling to start. Best of luck, and we'll all be pushing with you!
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