How do you know who to trust in this life?
I just got a call from my best friend and I'm disgusted by what she told me. She is 2 months pregnant and has been having some problems with the pregnancy including almost having a miscarriage. She was on bed rest over the weekend and is doing better now, but she just got a call from her doctor and is in complete shock. He told her the issues she is having are due to the fact that she has 2 STD's. Syphillis and a form of Vaginitis which is caused by sexual bacteria passed from her husband. She has been faithful to her husband and the doctor said that she contracted both of these sometime after her 3 year old was born. I am so upset for her!!! I'm outraged. She is such an amazing person and she doesn't deservie this!!! I just don't know what to do or say to her.
And on a selfish note, it makes me wonder how I will ever be able to trust a new guy in my own life. I already have trust issues and I'm starting to think it's just better to be alone with the occasional "fun" on the side.
Do any of you have any suggestions as to her situation? Or how I can be there for her. The last thing I want to do is hate him, but I am so angry at what he did to her. I'm just so pissed OFF!!!!
it doesn't mean he cheated...they could have been from before they were married...they can be dormant...has he admited to an affair???
It's possible that he has no idea. It's also possible that it's from before they met. If they were using condoms for birth control prior to her first child it's possible (probably not too likely), but possible that she simply didn't contract those at that time.
Regardless, you need to give her whatever support she needs which may or may not include being angry at the husband or being civil to the man.
I feel so bad for your friend. I can't imagine a worse time for her to discover that her spouse has been unfaithful.
I don't know who there is to trust in this world. I trust my husband because he has proven himself unwilling to lie to me, even when it would benefit him to do so. I think he has a mental block against lying. It's not always a good thing. He didn't help my self-esteem when I was overweight, for sure. He loves me, but he wasn't going to lie and say he thought I looked hot. He wasn't brutal, but I learned not to ask him "Do I look fat in this?" because I never got the right answer.
If he were to die, I don't know that I would ever date seriously again. The thought of trusting someone else around my girls - now and as they get older - turns my stomach. The consequences of a poor choice on my part could be devastating for them.
Oh my, how very sad. I'm really sorry for your best friend. I can understand your empathy and pain at seeing someone you love so dearly be so hurt. I'd want to kill the man who did that to any of my 3 best friends.
I know what you mean about staying single. I'm lucky enough to have found a man whom I trust, and have been with him for 6 years, but before that I was pretty much convinced (and actually OK with) that I'd be single for the rest of my life, or at least a long, long time (and I was). It IS hard to trust especially when you've been burned before, but sometimes you just have to take the leap and learn to truly listen to your instincts.
As much as it sucks to say it, there may have been times when your friend might have doubted her man, but pushed the doubts away ... maybe? I say this, because in hind-sight I've learned that sometimes the subtle signs are there but we don't see them because we see what we WANT to see. I could be completely wrong about your friend's situation, though, who knows. I wish her the best of luck in this tough situation. All you can really do is be the good friend you are, and be there as much as she needs you.
She asked the doctor about it and he and his nurse both confirmed that niether STD can lay dormant for that long. The doctor said that there would have been complications in her last pregnancy if that was the case. And she hasn't been with anyone in over 5 years, othere than her husband. His ex-wife stopped by their house unexpected about 6 months ago and talked to my friend about how she had been recently diagnosed with Cancer. My friend said that when her husband got home from work she smelled the exes perfume on him, and he didn't seem shocked when she told him about the visit. She also says he isn't upset about what the doctor told HER and doesn't seem surprised at all.
Is she going to be OK? I know Syphilis can eventally lead to permanent brain damage and be fatal if left untreated.
It looks like syphilis is most contagious 4 to 6 weeks from initial infection.
Wow, that's horrible. I don't even know what I would do in that situation.
I'm inherently un-trustful. My husband has never done anything to make him deserve my suspicion, but I'm still hyper paranoid. I have been known to read his e-mail, look at his computer history, and check his cell phone call log. I've never found anything even remotely suspect, although he knows I'm nosey, so he might just clean up any trail.
I'm not sure why I'm so untrustful. His dad cheated on his mom, and they got divorced when he was 6. I think it has a really big impact on him, so I don't think he would do that. Not to mention, I know he absolutely loves me. But still, I'm paranoid, what can I say.
I've been married to my husband for 6 years (on Sunday) and I am learning things about him every other day.
Of course these are bad things....
I truly believe that a person can paint a picture of who they want you to believe they are and be someone completely different...
Over time though you'll be able to pick up on these things more and more...
Sorry you have to go through this... Good luck with your friend, I hope everything works out for her...
Well it's a bit confusing because I'm online now and some sites say Syphilis can lay dormant for years and years, where others say no more than 2 years. What's the deal with that?
sngbrd - maybe the confusion lies in who had it while it lain dormant. It could be possible that the husband picked it up before they were married and he had it and it laid dormant for years. Then something changed between the birth of their first child and this pregnancy and she got it. I think the doctor and nurse were trying to say she wouldn't have had it that long undetected.
Original Post by alle0299:
sngbrd - maybe the confusion lies in who had it while it lain dormant. It could be possible that the husband picked it up before they were married and he had it and it laid dormant for years. Then something changed between the birth of their first child and this pregnancy and she got it. I think the doctor and nurse were trying to say she wouldn't have had it that long undetected.
I guess that's a possibility. I have a feeling he cheated on her, but I just didn't say that to her. The last thing she needs is to have me on the defensive against him. She's so hormonal right now and she's got 7 months to go. At least both issues are cureable. She is getting treatment for the Syphilis now, and has to wait until 4 months along for the other.
Yes it can, but it is treatable. She should be fine. As to how to trust someone. Its hard to know.
But, there are somethings you can do that take the worry and fear out of it. My husband and I follow in the footsteps of my parents. If mom was going to go somewhere, she told daddy. If daddy was going somewhere, he told mom. They knew what time they had to be at work, they knew what time they had to be home, and both called if they were going to be late. But, most importantly, though my parents did things with other couples, they rarely did anything without each other. The exceptions would be my father going fishing with my uncles or grandfathers and my mother going shopping with her mother or sister. But, if that was happening, they knew it was happening. They never had to wonder where the other one was. If you ever needed to get ahold of them they were always where they were suppose to be.
My husband and I are the same way. He calls me at 10 am to say I love you. He calls me at lunch to see how my day is going and talk about his. He calls me at 2:30 to make sure the kids aren't driving me nuts. He calls me at 4:30 to say, Im on my way home or Im working till 6. He calls at 6 to say Im on my way home or working till 8. if he works till 8 he calls at 8 to see if I need him to pick anything up. He will call me two or three times on his drive home, because he likes the sound of my voice. I never have to worry about him lieing to me about working late, because he never hides his paystub. I can see exactly how many hours he worked and I know if that is correct or not.
He doesn't call because he thinks Im cheating. He doesn't call because I think he is cheating. He calls because he likes me and I like him. We do things with each other instead of other people because we like the same things and we like each others company. Thats how you prevent cheating. THats how you know your always being told the truth.
If you have nothing to hide, then there is no reason to hide anything. If you hide nothing, then you never have to worry about not trusting your partner.
If my husband called me 6 or 8 times a day, I'd be tempted to "accidentally" lose my cell phone. I love him, but I don't need to talk to him that much to reassure me that he isn't up to something and vice versa.
To each their own. What works in your relationship would not work in mine.
Original Post by ladykelien:
My husband and I are the same way. He calls me at 10 am to say I love you. He calls me at lunch to see how my day is going and talk about his. He calls me at 2:30 to make sure the kids aren't driving me nuts. He calls me at 4:30 to say, Im on my way home or Im working till 6. He calls at 6 to say Im on my way home or working till 8. if he works till 8 he calls at 8 to see if I need him to pick anything up. He will call me two or three times on his drive home, because he likes the sound of my voice. I never have to worry about him lieing to me about working late, because he never hides his paystub. I can see exactly how many hours he worked and I know if that is correct or not.
He doesn't call because he thinks Im cheating. He doesn't call because I think he is cheating. He calls because he likes me and I like him. We do things with each other instead of other people because we like the same things and we like each others company. Thats how you prevent cheating. THats how you know your always being told the truth.
If you have nothing to hide, then there is no reason to hide anything. If you hide nothing, then you never have to worry about not trusting your partner.
While this sounds great, ladykelien, I think in this world it can be hard to be like you. Her spouse can't call her 10X a day. He is the owner of a lucritive pool/spa company and he is also very hands-on. I think your life may be attainable for the small % of people, but for most, it's just not realiztic. I can only hope to be that lucky someday. At the same time, I think I would go bonkers if my guy wanted to call me that much. A woman needs her space, yo!
Original Post by sngbrdchls77:
At the same time, I think I would go bonkers if my guy wanted to call me that much. A woman needs her space, yo!
I agree. We don't talk at all during the day while we're each at work. Sometimes we'll IM, or MAYBE call every once in a great while if it is important/requires conversation.
I usually give him a heads up when I'm coming home. I generally get home the same time every day, so will call if I leave late. He's not as good about calling, but that's cause he get's so wrapped up in what he's working on, He's on IM all day, so I'll just message him if I need to know if he's going to be home for dinner. I guess we're pretty independent.
Trust can be hard. My ex-husband cheated on me twice (that I know of) during our marriage. Fortunately he didn't bring home any souvenirs for me. After the divorce, I wondered if I should trust anyone again. I decided that I would rather trust and be mistaken than mistrust and be mistaken. I think that love requires trust. It is simply a risk you have to take.
I don't want to sound mean or like I'm putting the blame on her... not my intention.. but aren't yearly physicals and pap smears part of overall health? I know I go get mine every year, despite the fact that I've been in a stable relationship for two years.
As for your question--- just do your absolute best to support your friend through her tough time. That includes supporting her in whatever decision she makes about her husband... its a horrible horrible situation that she's in and she will need you more than ever...
You pap checks only for cervical cancer.
They will not automatically do STD screenings unless you are under the age of 25, expecially not if you are married.
