In Laws (Argh!!)

I totally have to let everyone know that my soon to be mother in law is completely insane.

Ever since my fiances father passed away in December there has been no barrier to keep this woman at bay. His father was the key stone of the family, the boys never spoke with her directly and always dealt with Dad, and now I know why. She's nuts.
For a grown woman she acts like a child! I truly believe she is a manic depressive. She won't get help because she will get offended. Throughout his fathers whole illness she was always saying how he is going to die. It broke my heart on the days he was really feeling well that she would tell him "Do you really think you feel better? Please! Keep on telling yourself that" This man was fighting lymphoma and your telling him he's going to die... what a B*TCH!.

She's replacing my fiance with her husband and its driving him crazy. He hates her. He has an older brother that has not ONCE stepped up to the plate and it's basically me & my fiance doing almost everything for her. And God forbid you don't do ONE thing... she flips out. Last night and this morning she was crying to him and then says that "You hate me"... Damn right we hate you.

He wants to put her in a straight jacket and send her off... it's like she's starving for attention and a SLAVE but all it's doing is pushing the boys away from her. 

I know she doesn't care much for me anyways because deep down I believe she's slightly racist as well (I am hispanic from a hard working blue collar family, I am the first to go to college and get an MBA while she is the only child of a white family raised by nannys and nuns and had a free ride for her entire life and makes comments on its sad how people like ME don't have money or go on welfare...FU lady!) 

Sorry I am typing so much but this is getting out of hand and I don't know who to share this with.

Anyone else been in similar situations or need to vent... be my guest =D

It's good you vent here but may I give you a few things to think about.  Tread very lightly and try a little compassion, even if she is a witch (with a "b") .....

Even though your fiance' may "hate" her , there is a lot to family dynamics that take a while to understand, and some things are more felt than explained, so don't think your fiance's feelings for his mother are so simple, cut and dry and totally in line with your own all the time.  Mother/ child issues are complicated and often very dynamic; tinged with guilt and frustration but sometimes, even in the worst of times, there is love.  He is responding to her, isn't he?  Try not to add to his anger and resentment toward her as sometimes that can come back to bite you in the bum.  

Also-remember she is an older woman whose life has, until now, probably revolved around her husband taking care of her and the raising of her kids (even if she did it badly-or at least they think so-I'm guessing you kinda like your fiance'?).  This may be a great time to distract her and take the pressure off her son..she probably could benefit from a lunch out, a friend (you?) or some help finding a hobby or a place to volunteer etc...all of that would be gifts to all involved, especially if it takes the pressure of you and her sons.

I have no patience with racism, but this might be a chance to prove her wrong by becoming even a reluctant ally.  You can't really count on changing her archaic views, but you can try to understand that she must be a sad, undereducated and now very lonely woman who is without the family support we would all need at a time like that.  I'm not saying she "deserves" it, necessarily-just that that is probably what is behind her behavior.  It may be wise for you personally, and very admirable at the same time, to try to help her address some of these voids in her life.  It may pay off and you've lost nothing, except maybe a little bit of your anger.  Again, it's understandable that you are angry and you have my sympathy, but there may be some ways that might make the mater better instead of just hating her.

I agree Post#1 ndmama Or #2.  :)

oops-sorry about that-I meant to edit for typos and erased it all!

OMG!!! You just totally described my life!!!   Except my father-in-law passed away 9 years ago!! And this is still going on.. IT IS A NIGHTMARE!!

She continually tries to put a wedge between me and my husband, and successfully I might add.. We divorced 6 years ago and remarried. 

She IS mentally ill and is certifiable!!!! After he passed away, she went and got on disability with a mental disability.. which pisses me off because she was able to work.. people die, it is sad, you move on...

Like you my husband is 1 of 3 children and the other two are complete losers, they do nothing for her..

She has financial issues, meaning she buys stupid **** and doesn't pay her bills, then calls us and wants money.. and up till about 2 years ago we shelled out money weekly to her. 

We paid her property taxes, and penalties to the tune of $5,000... two different times. Miraculously, every year when we get our tax return she can't pay her house payment and wants money.. Finally, after alot of my bitching my husband put his foot down, and we haven't given her a penny... BUT... taxes are due July 15, lol we will see how that goes. 

She calls us, house phone, cell phone, and work no less than 15 times aday!!! EVERY DAY !!!

Sorry to hi jack your post.... you said we could rant..

I wish I could say it will get better but for me it hasn't.

Oh everything you said I 100% agree with... I just let out (posted) the angry part for now since she's having an episode right now.

Yes, this family has plenty of issues that were never address with their mother since the father was the mediator behind things. I just wish they could get a long.

My family is by NO means perfect but there came a point when I parents just "got it". My family has had drug abuse, affairs, suicide attempts... I mean, heavy stuff but in the end, why would you drive the only people you have away from you. It's beyond me and I frankly think she needs to learn that the gifts of life given to us should by no means be taken for granted.

I have not gotten involved, just been supportive and helped out where I can. I wasn't raised to be disrepectful to elders.

The boys are trying the best they can but slowly they are just running for the hills. The issues go FAR beyond the death of her husband and expecting my fiance to drop everything for her is out of the question.

OMG I'm SO adding you as a friend dispatchn!

I really hope it doesn't not come to this point. It's like you just sit and wait to see what madness she pulls out next?

She is now in the process of reaping what she sewed and she doesn't like it. Miserable people like others to be miserable.

Try not to get sucked into her craziness as much as possible.

I really like the suggestions in post #2. Does your (soon to be) mother in law have any hobbies? Knitting, cooking, sewing, gardening, etc.? Ask your fiance. If she does, ask where they are in the house. Then, the next time you visit her home, compliment her hobbies. Maybe ask her to teach you or do the hobby with her.

She may feel bad about having to rely on you two. Even if she is being ****, she may be hurting underneath. So try to get her to teach you, help you, etc. It will relieve some of her frustrations and build a bond between you both.

How old is she?  Does she have any history of mental illness?  Is she capable of looking after herself, or does she actually need assistance with things like paying her bills and leaving the house?

If she is capable of taking care of herself, then you and your fiance need to decide what your limits are and what you're willing to contribute.  Sometimes it takes a lot of patience to deal with a difficult family member.  If she's not capable of taking care of herself, she may need a professional guardian to take care of her affairs.

Original Post by muttlover:

I really like the suggestions in post #2. Does your (soon to be) mother in law have any hobbies? Knitting, cooking, sewing, gardening, etc.? Ask your fiance. If she does, ask where they are in the house. Then, the next time you visit her home, compliment her hobbies. Maybe ask her to teach you or do the hobby with her.

She may feel bad about having to rely on you two. Even if she is being ****, she may be hurting underneath. So try to get her to teach you, help you, etc. It will relieve some of her frustrations and build a bond between you both.

^ I would attempt to cultivate a healthy relationship with your future MIL.

Original Post by lysistrata:

How old is she?  Does she have any history of mental illness?  Is she capable of looking after herself, or does she actually need assistance with things like paying her bills and leaving the house?

If she is capable of taking care of herself, then you and your fiance need to decide what your limits are and what you're willing to contribute.  Sometimes it takes a lot of patience to deal with a difficult family member.  If she's not capable of taking care of herself, she may need a professional guardian to take care of her affairs.

These are the best suggestions. The other ones are excuses for the MIL and guilt trips to get you to continue being nice to a crazy relative.

Keep in mind that in all likelihood she is not going to change. She will probably get worse as time passes. You need to seriously consider whether you can handle years and years of this kind of behavior before you actually get married. You and your fiancee need to have a serious talk about what he feels, what he's willing to do. You also need to know if he is going to put his mother first.

Keep in mind that the family dynamic there is probably more complicated and muddled than may appear. They may hate her, but the boys probably also love her and/or feel obligated to continue to try to take care of her. It seems that the taking care of part usually gets left with one kid who can't or won't say no. This can ruin a relationship.

Original Post by moonikins:

Original Post by lysistrata:

How old is she?  Does she have any history of mental illness?  Is she capable of looking after herself, or does she actually need assistance with things like paying her bills and leaving the house?

If she is capable of taking care of herself, then you and your fiance need to decide what your limits are and what you're willing to contribute.  Sometimes it takes a lot of patience to deal with a difficult family member.  If she's not capable of taking care of herself, she may need a professional guardian to take care of her affairs.

These are the best suggestions. The other ones are excuses for the MIL and guilt trips to get you to continue being nice to a crazy relative.

Keep in mind that in all likelihood she is not going to change. She will probably get worse as time passes. You need to seriously consider whether you can handle years and years of this kind of behavior before you actually get married. You and your fiancee need to have a serious talk about what he feels, what he's willing to do. You also need to know if he is going to put his mother first.

Keep in mind that the family dynamic there is probably more complicated and muddled than may appear. They may hate her, but the boys probably also love her and/or feel obligated to continue to try to take care of her. It seems that the taking care of part usually gets left with one kid who can't or won't say no. This can ruin a relationship.

 Oh this woman is capable of taking care of herself and her husband and parents left her a lot of money. Her hobbies continue but she complains about everything. She loves gardening but somehow turns it to something miserable and painful.

She is described as "emotional incest" to my fiance. Using guilt, manipulation and denial. He's about ready to move out of the state because of her. And she already brought up the conversation of "me or your fiance" and he refused to give in.

The guilt is the worse thing... I mean, I would do anything to not have my mother cry but then my mom doesn't use it to guilt me to put in a new mailbox in the front of the house or take the pool cover off (she did this yesterday and she got hysterical and he ran over on his way to work, almost getting in late...who does that at 8am??)

What's worse is she makes him feel terrible about himself and tells everyone they know that her sons are useless and don't help her....

Gosh it's so upsetting. If his father was alive, he would never want things this way.  

One of the things that really helped me move on was something I learned in ala-non and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). Actually there are 2 parts:

1. Life is too short to spend time with unpleasant relatives.
2. Guilt is easier to get over and less damaging to your health and your soul than resentment.

The second one is hard for a lot of people to accept. They hate the feelings of guilt. But resentment is the killer. It is truly a killer. It will kill your health and kill your soul and it will definitely kill a relationship.

Resentment builds and builds. If you and your fiance continue to cater to this woman's needs to avoid feeling guilty, resentment will build inside both of you.

I will keep you in my thoughts. I send to you healing white light and energy.

I think at this point you need to put you foot (feet?) down and tell her firmly and calmly that she cannot keep doing x, y and z. If you, your fiance and his brothers go in on it together, like an intervention, she might get the message. be prepared for her to wail that everyone is ganging up on her - she will def. play the victim card when confronted - but tell her in no uncertain terms that her continuing behavior will lead to her being left alone until she can interact with her family in a reasonable way.

My mother has a number of mental illnesses, and when I was in high school she had a total breakdown. She followed me around everywhere "because you're my best friend!" and basically needed me to take care of her. I had anxiety all the time, and began to doubt my own sanity. It was hard, but I cut her out of my life completely for about two years, save the odd phone call. I moved very far away (it was time for me to go to college.) You know what? She found new friends, met a man she married and is now much more together. The shock of losing everything she had - her husband, her children - forced her to stand on her own two feet.

Moving works too, but it's the easy way out. You have to vocalize what you are feeling, and follow through on any threats to cut her out of your lives until she can be civil. It will be easier then letting her destroy your lives and sanity. Good luck :)

I so sympathize with all of you and thought I would add a different perspective to the conversation.  My mom was the pain and after dad died 10 years ago I was the one she called, cried to, life she butted into etc..... No money issues though, but still its all the same.  My brother was no where to be found its was beyond stressful.  One day at my wits end mom and I had a major blow up, it was bad really bad.  A few days later we sat down and talked...really talked.  And all of her antics her phone calls etc came down to the fact that she was scared.  Scared of being alone, scared of life she went from he fathers house to being married, she relied on them for everything and never knew anything else.  A long conversation and a lot of tears later we had an understanding.  She knew I Loved her and would always be there for her when she really needed me but she had to cut out the daily ****.  Which was just her way of making sure I would be there for her.  Life got better. 

My mom passed away 2 years ago and everyday I am thankful that I didn't let our issues destroy our relationship.  She was who she was and just because I didn't always like her, I did always love her. 

So tread lightly and take everything with a grain a salt, we don't always know a persons true reason for their behavior.

Original Post by pamm915:

I so sympathize with all of you and thought I would add a different perspective to the conversation.  My mom was the pain and after dad died 10 years ago I was the one she called, cried to, life she butted into etc..... No money issues though, but still its all the same.  My brother was no where to be found its was beyond stressful.  One day at my wits end mom and I had a major blow up, it was bad really bad.  A few days later we sat down and talked...really talked.  And all of her antics her phone calls etc came down to the fact that she was scared.  Scared of being alone, scared of life she went from he fathers house to being married, she relied on them for everything and never knew anything else.  A long conversation and a lot of tears later we had an understanding.  She knew I Loved her and would always be there for her when she really needed me but she had to cut out the daily ****.  Which was just her way of making sure I would be there for her.  Life got better. 

My mom passed away 2 years ago and everyday I am thankful that I didn't let our issues destroy our relationship.  She was who she was and just because I didn't always like her, I did always love her. 

So tread lightly and take everything with a grain a salt, we don't always know a persons true reason for their behavior.

Touching. I agree, Pamm. My deepest condolences on the loss of your mother.

There are a lot of inlaw threads right now so I copy pasted a portion below from my other responses/posts that also applies here.

It isn't until the death of a parent that some people begin to realize enough is enough.  ( me: for example. )My father used to hold the family together with his fist of iron. Nobody wanted to disappoint him. People behaved well simply because he was the emotional barrier. He refused to let everyone behave beyond a certain level of immaturity. It's honestly a lot of bs drama that amuses some people. I expect disagreements, but not arguments. If we truly have an argument, then we need to take a step back. A disagreement may be about something that doesn't require a consensus to move forward. Then I suggest that we agree to disagree, as in "religion and politics," and not try to convert the other person (my own family/friends usually can follow this philosophy). If we must reach a consensus to move forward (and I'm a negotiator by nature -- no temper tantrums), I'm quite willing to negotiate a compromise. It may be by the flip of a coin, or even by my concession to their wishes, with the condition that we reach parity through later compromises. I think it's important for a people to feel that they're being treated fairly under all circumstances. I will do anything within reason to ensure happy relationships.  (In general and with my siblings/family/inlaws. ) I wouldn't say that is the most important thing in life, but its a big ++.

Emotional intelligence is essential to an adult's ability to act maturely. It's important to prepare your approach/reactions in a rational/logical manner. Relationships evolve/morph into different types with time. Put up an emotional barrier until you can rationalize circumstances change. Your role to other people also changes as we mature/age/change due to circumstances/growth. Even under extreme stress/pressure/frustration we have to act with intelligence... not just emotion. It's human nature for our emotions to get the better of us sometimes. The reason our friends/family/inlaws are so good at pressing our buttons is because they install them. Take the logical approach and remove them as an adult. Don't allow any new ones to ever be installed either...Take a giant step back so you can rebuild your relationships with your future MIL. Build a new healthy one's that's matured with time/understanding. That way you can clean out the closet of bs that's been filled up over the years/months/?/etc. Air it out.... Once you've gotten some fresh air take out all the garbage. Toss out all the old issues/arguments/insults/etc and attempt to start anew. In honesty you may never have the bestest relationship. However: You may surprise yourself and get along well enough ...If you choose to start completely over from square one. If people won't help cultivate the change by setting aside differences/past wrongs... I say: Avoid their drama till they're over it. Be unavailable till they've gotten over it. That's all.That way you can be in their company when they're more agreeable/enjoyable. Even when there is disagreement people should be agreeable. Agree to disagree.



Some people are easier to take in spurts or short intervals. Lol. Sometimes you have to setup guidelines for others to follow too. It may be helpful if he talked to his mother. He could tell his mother the things he would like to volunteer to help her do in advance. Ask her which things she knows she's going to need a man's help with since dad's gone. That way she sorta knows/has an idea what he can/can't help her with in advance. At that time he can sorta put down the limitations on his service/availablity. He can limit the amount he helps her in a nice way. I've been in the position of being name called/hated by inlaws for a while now. I refuse to allowed their hostility to become my own. :)

A person that is willing to change/compromise is more likely to see results,imo. Some people only want results they aren't willing to change/compromise. I'd tell her what she does wrong, but you tell it in a positive way that doesn't hurt her feelings. Tell her that you want to start fresh with her too. That you realize you both contributed to it as adults. A portion of it unknowingly while some is intentional... Some of the bs drama may just be routine between you... Sometimes people just do it by habit because it's something they've been doing for so .... so... long. A lot of it probably has nothing to do with you in all actuality. Hopefully she'll be willing to change/compromise with you. If not:  w/e.  You tried.  Just limit your interaction/focus on her.

That's lovely that you had the chance to rebuild things with your mother before she passed.

Again, everyone is different. If there was an assurance that when the boys talk to her she won't flip out and throw a fit... then I think they would discuss the 30+ years of verbal abuse/neglect and the fact that she cannot act the way she is acting now.

My fiance wants me to be the moderator but I really don't feel it is my place. I seem to be the only person with sense and a good head on my shoulders because I think logically and rationally. (My fiance has dealt with mental health issues and is doing good now since being with me, his brother takes Paxil and his mother, well we already went through that LOL) but that still does not qualify me to be the referee, ya know. Now when we are married and have children and she wants to interfere with OUR family, then I will definately intervene but again, at this point in time, that's not going to happen.

I'm not sure what the right answer is... some people are fine just never talking to their family again... some rather hold on. So there is no one solution and he would rather have her in his life if she acted like a rational human than a spoiled child. At this point, he is done.

Like the saying... you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family

I've been showing my fiance this post... it's helped him a lot and we truly appreciate all the input.