learning to like sex

okay, I admit I do enjoy it.. in theory.

I have the thoughts/temptations sometimes, but not as obsessive as most seem to. I didn't lose my virginity till I was 18 because I never felt the need to. I am not a very "horny" person in general, and I don't masturbate.

basically I enjoy sex for the anticipation, but then lose the feeling after a couple minutes.

my boyfriend gets frusterated with me because I have never had an orgasm before, and tells me that I am missing out, and that I need to, *ehem*, touch myself more so that I can reach that peak, and enjoy sex more

btw, it's not the bf either, I have been with a few guys and it's always been the same situation..

I dunno.. personally I have better things to do then make time to play with myself, or watch porn or whatever. I don't find it very enjoyable or satisfying, and kinda feel disgusted if I ever do.

so my question is: how do you learn to like sex? is there something wrong with me?

Yup, maybe the trick to liking sex is to be able to like your body first. Thinking negative thoughts about your body is like icewater down the pants, at least for me.

If critical thoughts about your body are playing a role here, it's not just a matter of "turning them off" in order to be able to enjoy sex. As I'm sure you've encountered with your eating behaviors, critical thoughts don't just go away even when you're behaving in a non-ED manner (e.g., eating foods you previously restricted).  The task is probably going to be very similar to the way you've dealt with food: you eat the foods you used to fear EVEN WHEN your mind tells you not to.  With intimacy, that may mean turning your mind to the moment even when your mind tells you you're in an unflattering position or whatever your mind might be saying.  You can't control what your mind says, but you can control where you put your attention.  It requires constant work to turn your mind back to the moment.  Again and again and again. 

You might also find it helpful to find other, non-sexual ways of being intimate with your bf.  Maybe that means just cuddling in front of a movie.  Or holding hands for no reason at all.  Some of those things can also feel hard and unnatural and may represent some easier places to start when it comes to working on intimacy.  Then, slowly, you can begin to explore what kinds of touches feel good...not necessarily which ones bring you to orgasm.  For instance, maybe you like having the underside of your forearm tickled.  Or maybe you like to have your shoulders massaged.  Find ways of being touched that do feel good and work from there.  The practice is in learning how to get in touch with your body's sensations and learning to trust those sensations even when your mind tries to pull you somewhere else.  Intimacy is tough stuff.  There's nothing "wrong" with you for struggling with this.  But changing how you function in intimate situations takes work and won't simply correct itself as you age. 

I think your BF should respect you rather than being frustrated....Guys like that are a pain...Just saying what I Personally think so don't attack me.

And I know what you mean ...not being interested in sex....I kind of fear it sometimes....Sometimes ill have a "Passion" for about 10 minutes but then I just don't feel like it....at all...

One thing you should remember is that something like 80% of women NEVER orgasm...especially not through vaginal penetration only. Try asking your boyfriend to spend extra time getting you in the mood with foreplay and paying close attention to your clitoris. Also, if you focus on the fact that you are finding it enjoyable, you wont. Clear your mind, and just be in the moment, think about how nice it feels to have your boyfriends hands on your body or to be kissing him or what ever. Just don't think about reach an O. If you find something is really not doing it for you, suggest something different. You need to take control of your own sexuality or you will NEVER like sex.

Original Post by carmenxox:

 

I can't just not do it though.. that kinda puts a damper on any relationship i'd ever have

 Fake it... i always do

Original Post by makacos:

Original Post by carmenxox:

 

I can't just not do it though.. that kinda puts a damper on any relationship i'd ever have

 Fake it... i always do

 I didn't mean fake an orgasm... I meant just not have sex. There are very few decent men out there these days that would put up with a girl that doesn't put out.... hate to say it. I usually do stuff to please others.

and fake an orgasm? how could I fake something I have never had before. I wouldn't know what to do; and I'm a TERRIBLE liar as it is haha, he'd know right away.

...

but hey thanks everyone for the comments, I will deffinately be taking some of these into consideration

Please do not fake it.

You can enjoy many aspects of sex without having an orgasm, some women orgasm the first time, most don't.  Just like there's no one eating plan to lose or gain weight, there is no one method to make every women orgasm.  Good sex takes time and attention from both partners.  If you're more comfortable with the lights off and he wants them on, perhaps you can compromise with some candle light.  Enough light so that he gets the visual effect but not so much that you feel too uncomfortable.  There's also a point that you just have to believe the guy that says your beautiful naked despite whatever flaws and imperfections that you consider to be so obvious.  There are truly very few men who see these flaws (if you run into a man who does, run).  Even if you marked each spot in highlighter with post it notes, he wouldn't see the same things you do...he'd probably be wishing it were chocolate or whipped cream so he could lick it off instead.  Damn men are great when you let them be!

You might consider couples counseling or sex therapy to help you overcome this.

well the thing is, like carmen, my bf kept pestering about how i was "missing out" and blah blah blah

so while we had sex i observed the noises he made and the way his body moved (shook) when he orgasmed. I mimic them with a bit more girly 'oh baby's and TA DA! I still havent orgasmed, but he doesnt know that and he' stopped the whole "you're missing out" story...

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy having sex - or rather, making love - i just can't seem to reach THAT point, it always dies out before I can get there, even at my most horny moments

faking it is a really good way to make sure it never gets better.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

faking it is a really good way to make sure it never gets better.

 haha, yeah sorry makacos but that seems like a terrible idea, especially in the long run.

yeah, i wasnt suggesting you fake it... i was just saying i do...

i guess ive put myelf in a bit of pickle now, i cant exactl tell him "oh btw honey, we need to work on our sex life because, well, i've been faking it" ... uh oh...

makacos, i think that's exactly what you should do.  one awkward conversation vs. mediocre sex for the duration of the relationship?  come on!

Faking it is a crime against good sex...he might be a good lover, he might not be, you two might not be sexually compatible, until you stop faking it you'll never know.

BTW, you are missing out!

Original Post by makacos:

yeah, i wasnt suggesting you fake it... i was just saying i do...

i guess ive put myelf in a bit of pickle now, i cant exactl tell him "oh btw honey, we need to work on our sex life because, well, i've been faking it" ... uh oh...

 lol yeah, that is quite the pickle.. good luck!

Original Post by smwhipple:

Faking it is a crime against good sex...he might be a good lover, he might not be, you two might not be sexually compatible, until you stop faking it you'll never know.

BTW, you are missing out!

 yeah, he is a good lover

and im not just saying it because hes my bf ... he's gotten me the closest to orgasm, i've acually come SO close it fustraed me when I just couldn't reach it... that's when i gave up and thoght "its never going to happen" ... mind you he's always checking my response to diffrent things, but i've gotten so used to faking it i don't give him the right cues anymore ... D'Oh!

the reason i started faking it is becase I was SICK AND TIRED of hearing "you're missing out" ... im still missing out, but nobody knows it! (except the thousands of members on CC lol)

one thing that's key for me is to shut down the internal dialogue. all that thinking, "i'm almost there, i'm so close, blah blah blah" really doesn't help.  and especially if you're thinking, "gotta get this done because it's his turn," or--like--"his tongue must be so tired."  yeah - not helpful.

i just focus on the sensations.  gotta be selfish ;)

Original Post by pgeorgian:

one thing that's key for me is to shut down the internal dialogue. all that thinking, "i'm almost there, i'm so close, blah blah blah" really doesn't help.  and especially if you're thinking, "gotta get this done because it's his turn," or--like--"his tongue must be so tired."  yeah - not helpful.

i just focus on the sensations.  gotta be selfish ;)

Definitely a good time to be selfish and just enjoy.  After all, from a physiological stand point it's easier for most of them and from an emotional view, they seem to feel so much more satisified when we are too.

Everyone's body is different. There are some people who love sex and have it daily, several times a day. Then, there are others, who abhor it and have it only to please their partners, and they try and do it as rare as possible.

Our bodies are all different, and this is OK. If you don't enjoy sex as much as the average person, this is OK. Not a problem. Your partner will just have to understand this.

But, if you want to enjoy sex more, than maybe you could take certain measures to see if you would enjoy it. Experimenting in one's sex life in my opinion is essential to developing a vibrant sex life. Maybe masturbating, foreplaying, and other means would be a healthy way for you to experiment around, and maybe you would enjoy sex more afterwords.

But, of course don't feel obligated. Sex is a pleasure, but contrary to our societal implicatory beliefs, it is not something obligatory. You can be normal and not enjoy sex. If you don't want to "sexperiment", then so be it! Oh well!

You should live life to be satisfied and happy. Sex is something many people do to achieve higher happiness. But, it's not the same for everyone. :)

I agree with the being 'selfish' comments. When I first started having sex it was because I wanted it but evenmoreso for him. I wanted him to be happy, I wanted him to be satisfied but later with a different partner I started having sex for purely me (ha selfish I know) & somehow it worked.

I also read somewhere that sex is like 90% in the head & it's true...I've experimented with this lol. One night I'll be completely there, wanting it & 'it' can happen in like 5 mins! But one time I completely tuned out, started thinking about stuff I could/should be doing...what I have to do tomorrow...wondering if anyone's replied to my post yet (hehe) & it totally didn't happen & never would have if I didn't change my thinking. Tune EVERYTHING else out but the pure feeling of it all =)

Keeping things spiced up helps alot with the wanting, the desiring & the anticipation. When I was younger & having sex it was so thrilling because I wasn't supposed to be sexing but now that we've been together for a while & married it sometimes gets boring so we'll take it to different locations, positions, etc ;) Like an example would be dropping the kids off with grandma to go "shopping" & end up on some dark back road in the backseat doing something we "shouldn't" be doing & it makes it more exciting. Pathetic? Maybe but it works for me =)

Do whatever it takes! Show him your "o" face! ;)

well, heres a question for y'all

can u enjoy sex without orgasm?

becuse i really do enjoy making love wit my bf, i look forward to it and i feel very satisfied afterwards

but i've never orgasmed

at least i dont think i have, i've been told i will KNOW when it happens lol... but, i have had OHMYGAWD!! moments between the sheets... and i still enjoy doing it, i just never orgasm...