learning to like sex

okay, I admit I do enjoy it.. in theory.

I have the thoughts/temptations sometimes, but not as obsessive as most seem to. I didn't lose my virginity till I was 18 because I never felt the need to. I am not a very "horny" person in general, and I don't masturbate.

basically I enjoy sex for the anticipation, but then lose the feeling after a couple minutes.

my boyfriend gets frusterated with me because I have never had an orgasm before, and tells me that I am missing out, and that I need to, *ehem*, touch myself more so that I can reach that peak, and enjoy sex more

btw, it's not the bf either, I have been with a few guys and it's always been the same situation..

I dunno.. personally I have better things to do then make time to play with myself, or watch porn or whatever. I don't find it very enjoyable or satisfying, and kinda feel disgusted if I ever do.

so my question is: how do you learn to like sex? is there something wrong with me?

Original Post by makacos:

well, heres a question for y'all

can u enjoy sex without orgasm?

becuse i really do enjoy making love wit my bf, i look forward to it and i feel very satisfied afterwards

but i've never orgasmed

at least i dont think i have, i've been told i will KNOW when it happens lol... but, i have had OHMYGAWD!! moments between the sheets... and i still enjoy doing it, i just never orgasm...

I do believe you can enjoy sex without orgasm. Yes in ways it is better with it, but there was once upon a time where I didn't while I sexed either & it was still VERY satisfying. & just like you there were definitely "omg!!!" moments & it felt great! It wouldn't have ever bothered me if it didn't bother him, he always felt bad & felt like he wasn't "good" enough but he was for SURE! I very much enjoyed it & could have gone the rest of my life without it, accepting that I was just one of those women who didn't orgasm through intercourse & I would have been fine.

That was with the 1st guy I had sex with. I'm with a different partner now (my husband) & I love him but in some ways I did prefer the 1st's sex as opposed to now. So there are pros & cons.

Before with my 1st boyfriend, I was completely wrapped up in being with him, being close to him, the physical intimacy between us was amazing. I loved it.

Now that I do orgasm & do it everytime it's almost all I think about. I don't always think about us being close & intimate I think of the "O" & only the "O" I mean yes....I enjoy being close but the intention of sex is different now, the goal is to orgasm.

So yes I do think you can enjoy sex without orgasm. Most definitely.

Original Post by makacos:

well, heres a question for y'all

can u enjoy sex without orgasm?

Absolutely....in fact, sometimes I prefer it.  Without getting caught up in the building and the explosion, I can concentrate on the closeness, on feeling what he's feeling, on the sensations, on the moment, on my intense love for him....

Yes.  Definitely making love isn't all about the orgasm.  No way.  I love the moments afterwards, especially if I haven't had an orgasm, of feeling seamless with my husband. 

Sometimes I choose to share his orgasm....if I'm not wrapped up in achieving my own, I can really feel his building, his explosion, his joy.  At times it's better than my own, feeling that intense sharing. 

Original Post by makacos:

can u enjoy sex without orgasm?

absolutely.  but would i give it up?  not on your life.

like a lot of things, i guess, you can't miss what you've never had.  i know it wasn't a big priority for me, until i had my first .

makacos, i understand that you're ambivalent about this.  probably afraid to really try, because what if you decide it matters and then it still doesn't happen.  but it's highly unlikely that you're incapable; if you were (and that's rare), you wouldn't enjoy sex as much as you do.

i think you need to come clean with your guy and make it a priority.  believe me, it will be worth it.

You could always try more kinky things in the bedroom P:

Original Post by spirochete:

I got more into sex as I got older. When I was in my 20s it was just something I got drunk and did. Now I'm like "WHERE IS THE PENIS"

Spiro, you just made me laugh out loud in my cubicle, and I can't tell people what I'm laughing about...Awkward.

Anyway, -ahem-. My first sexual encounter with a man, I didn't climax. I didn't the entire relationship until I learned that I HAD to pleasure myself (clitoral stimulation) while I was engaged in the act of intercourse in order to reach orgasm. I just can't....A lot of women are built that way, and there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. My current boyfriend feels 'bad' because he can't make me go on his own, but I've told him to get over it, because no one else is able to either!

Carmen, I think you should work on loving your body, and being okay and even enjoying sexual thoughts and acts...It sounds somewhat like you're in a 'take it or leave it' mode with sex, and you'd be just as happy without it. What you enjoy is your man's attention and affection, rather than the physical stimulation....At least, that's what it sounds like.

Talk to him about this, and make some time for yourself to explore your body. Don't think of it as a chore, don't think of it as disgusting, because it's not either. It's a very connecting experience to get to an orgasm, and you feel things throughout your entire body you've never experienced...

It's also a very connecting thing to do that with a partner, and it will be a boost of his self esteem, and your bond with each other, if you are able to go.

Faking it is 100% NOT RIGHT. It's a lie to your man, and more importantly, a lie to yourself.

Being able to know your body is the first step to good sex. If you have no idea what feels good, how can you teach your partner what to do for you?

Also, I'd like to point out that different positions should be tried, as each position hits different spots inside you (I know certain positions work twice as fast for me as others).

Another point is that sometimes, the mental noise in your head can pull you out of the long ride up to orgasm. I have to have my bf talk to me sometimes or I can't get there because my head is too full. Shutting it all out doesn't work 100% for me, but his talking to me certainly does.

Good luck, and really, try not to 'feel disgusted'. There's nothing wrong, bad, sinful, or disgusting with knowing your own body intimately.

You can enjoy sex without orgasms...think of it like a big naked hug, especially if there's an emotional component involved then I can see why you would still be interested.  Lacking the emotional connection and orgasms I wouldn't bother.  Foreplay certainly has it's moments, otherwise there really wouldn't be a lot of sex.  Orgasms aren't all the same, some have different levels and intensities and duration, it depends on your mood, your partner's mood and everything else on both of your minds...hard to describe to someone who hasn't had one, but it's well worth letting your guy see what he can do for you imo.

naked hugs are better after orgasm - just sayin'. ;)

Women teach themselves how to orgasm with a man for the most part. If you've ever brought yourself to climax, you know it's possible. If not, concentrate on that first. You can both concentrate on that, in fact.

It's a complex mix of fantasy, physical stimulation and degree of trust. Once you achieve it the first time, you figure out what specific combination works for you.

Your man should want you to experience it, so he should want to be patient and attentive. If that's not happening, there are perhaps bigger issues.

And in response to the OP: I wouldn't say there is anything wrong with you, however, I would suggest that if you're worried about it, perhaps exploring your feelings more would be helpful.

It is a bit of a blow to man's ego if he feels unable to bring his partner to orgasm. Same as the blow to a woman's if she feels as if she isn't desirable enough to inspire one in her partner.

Carmen, I don't believe I've orgasm'd either. Yet, forgive me if I'm giving too much info, but I have sex nearly every night. So obviously, I say that you can definately enjoy sex without orgasming.

However, I think your view of sex is that it is something that should just happen and be amazing, like in the movies. But in reality, every person is different. Different people like to be touched in different places, so you have to experiment with different things. If you or your boyfriend does something that does not feel good or turn you on, politely say, "no," or better yet, guide them to a better spot. But if you do something the other likes... well, trust me, you'll know. :)

The problem I have with women who fake it is that they leave behind them tons of men who:

1)  incorrectly think that women "normally" come from two-minute missionary

2) are lazy and lousy in bed

3) look at me weird when I explain how my body works and what we both need to do to get it to "work"

Original Post by kathygator:

naked hugs are better after orgasm - just sayin'. ;)

Your man should want you to experience it, so he should want to be patient and attentive. If that's not happening, there are perhaps bigger issues.

 He DOES... which i what prompted me to fake when a number of trials failed to achieve the big O, but ike i've said before it still feel goooood

oh and also, kathyator, "It is a bit of a blow to man's ego if he feels unable to bring his partner to orgasm. Same as the blow to a woman's if she feels as if she isn't desirable enough to inspire one in her partner" - - another reason why i fake it... the thing is i STILL enjoy it, but my bf has a hard time believing that, because of the ego? ?

and muttlover, i can totally relate to you! everytime my boyfriend stays over i can hardly keep my hands off him! I really really enjoy sex, even without orgasms...

Original Post by trustwomen:

The problem I have with women who fake it is that they leave behind them tons of men who:

1)  incorrectly think that women "normally" come from two-minute missionary

2) are lazy and lousy in bed

3) look at me weird when I explain how my body works and what we both need to do to get it to "work"

 i never said we only do missionary.... and it NEVER goes for 2 minutes...TMI, try 2 hours...!

Tha being said, missionary is my fav position

Just a suggestion, I don't know how adventurous your guy is or how comfortable you are with the idea, but most major cities offer courses/seminars on oral sex (for both men and women). If the problem is technical in nature, that might do the trick.

Local sex shops, LGBT bookstores and the like would have information for things in your area.

If it's not technical in nature, then perhaps having a chat with a sex therapist might not go amiss. A therapist might help reveal issues and offer suggestions that you may not have previously considered.

Hope it all comes together for you ;)

Wow Carmen, I'm so pleased you brought up this topic because I am EXACTLY the same as you - except I'm 29 and married and have still never had an orgasm.

I have just never really been that "into" sex. Yes I have moments of feeling horny but they're few and far between. I've never had any desire to masturbate whatsoever, a few years back I tried it for a bit because I felt like I should but it just felt like such an effort.

I've had several long term boyfriends before my husband and the situation has been the same with all of them.

I guess I just keep waiting to wake up one day and suddenly have a huge sex drive.... I dunno...

Nice to see that I'm not the only one with this problem, now I don't feel so bad.  It's hard.  I did enjoy sex with my first love when I was 18.  I don't really know when I stopped enjoying it so much.  not that I don't like it I do, but when we get into it after about 5 minutes I'm like, when will it be done. LOL 

i guess I like it more in theory as well.  I think it's also that I'm disappointed that I've never had the big O.  I too didn't like the idea of playing with myself.  I have recently decided that something must change.  My boyfriend has  a low sex drive and I think I've wanted it more now for the simple fact that I can't or don't get it like before from my other boyfriends. 

I do have a question for those who have had the O.  I'm not sure if I've had a small one or if it's just coming close to having one.  The area around the clit gets warm, my legs start to tingle, and my vaginal muscles start to contract uncontrollably for like 3-5 seconds.  Some times my legs jerk as well as my breathing getting deep.  Afterwards that area is very sensitive to touch.  So is this the O or am I close?

I don't know, is there any real reason to learn to like it?

Maybe you want to satisfy your boyfriend, but some people just can't get into it all that much. I can't either really. It does make relationships harder (Probably moreso as a woman), but you have to think of what you want as well. And I don't imagine half-hearted sex would be as pleasing for your partner anyway.

Original Post by angelaimes:

I do have a question for those who have had the O.  I'm not sure if I've had a small one or if it's just coming close to having one.  The area around the clit gets warm, my legs start to tingle, and my vaginal muscles start to contract uncontrollably for like 3-5 seconds.  Some times my legs jerk as well as my breathing getting deep.  Afterwards that area is very sensitive to touch.  So is this the O or am I close?

 sounds to me like you are either having a small one or very close. i think orgasms are kinda like snowflakes, every one is different. sometimes they are POWERFUL and sometimes just a little flutter of contractions like you described. for me it can depend on how turned on i am, or how long it's been since i've had one. if i've already had one like five minutes before, the second will be a lot less powerful.  

i'm curious, why don't you like the idea of playing with yourself? sometimes that's the only way to figure out what really works for you. there's nothing wrong with it, it's your body! plus, no one ever has to know what you do behind closed doors. have you ever considered trying a vibrator of some kind? you don't have to worry about embarassment, you can order stuff like that so discreetly online these days.

just makes me sad to think of anyone missing out on the big O haha :p 

Original Post by jules817:

just makes me sad to think of anyone missing out on the big O haha :p 

Same!

Playing with yourself is not sinful, wrong, dirty, or bad in anyway. You are loving your body, providing yourself with a release of strong chemicals that can make you very content, happy, and just generally feel good. What's wrong about that?!

I was not able to 'O' until I learned I must have clitorial stimulation. Only 40% of women can have an 'O' with just penetration alone: the rest of us must have something else going on!